- Mitch: You know, um, something strange happened to me this morning...
- Chris Knight: Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
- Mitch: No...
- Chris Knight: Why am I the only one who has that dream?
- Mitch: What are you doing?
- Chris Knight: Self-realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, "... I drank what?"
- [Discussing how Knight didn't come in to the lab]
- Bodie: He said he didn't feel like it. And I said, "You'd better!" And he said, "Or what?" And I said, "Or you're gonna be in trouble." And he said, "Jam it."
- Professor Hathaway: That's a wonderful story, Bodie. I noticed you've stopped stuttering.
- Bodie: I've been giving myself shock treatments.
- Professor Hathaway: Up the voltage.
- [Chris Knight is trying to hit on Susan, a beautiful woman he finds in Professor Hathaway's house]
- Chris Knight: So, if there's anything I can do for you - or, more to the point, *to* you - just let me know.
- Susan: Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?
- Chris Knight: Not right now.
- Susan: A girl's gotta have her standards.
- [She walks out]
- Chris Knight: This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated.
- Chris Knight: Have you ever seen a body like this before in your life?
- David Decker: She happens to be my daughter.
- Chris Knight: Oh. Then I guess you have.
- Kent: You're all a bunch of degenerates.
- Chris Knight: *We* are? What about that time I found you naked with that bowl of Jell-O?
- Kent: You did not.
- Chris Knight: This is true.
- Kent: Look, it was hot and I was hungry, okay?
- Professor Hathaway: When you first started at Pacific Tech you were well on your way to becoming another Einstein and then you know what happened?
- Chris Knight: I got a haircut?
- Dr. Dodd: Why is that toy on your head?
- Chris Knight: Because if I wear it any place else, it chafes.
- Mitch: Did you know there's a guy living in our closet?
- Chris Knight: You've seen him too?
- Mitch: Who is he?
- Chris Knight: Hollyfeld.
- Mitch: Why does he keep going into our closet?
- Chris Knight: Why do you keep going into our closet?
- Mitch: To get my clothes - but that's not why he goes in there.
- Chris Knight: Of course not, he's twice your size - your clothes would never fit him.
- Mitch: Yeah...
- Chris Knight: Think before you ask these questions, Mitch. Twenty points higher than me? Thinks a big guy like that can wear his clothes?
- Chris Knight: Do you mind if I name my first child after you? "Dipshit Knight" has a nice ring to it.
- Lazlo Hollyfeld: Well, how'd you do?
- Chris Knight: How'd I do? I passed! But I failed! Yeah!
- Lazlo Hollyfeld: Well, then I'm happy and sad for you.
- Kent: And I suppose you're in on this too. Did you make this stuff?
- 'Ick' Ikagami: I'm not saying.
- Kent: Well who's gonna clean it up?
- 'Ick' Ikagami: You won't have to. It's gonna go from solid form directly to gas.
- Kent: Whoa! Really? What is it?
- 'Ick' Ikagami: I'm not sayin', but I can tell you it's fairly rare and very unstable.
- Chris Knight: [glances at Kent] Just like you.
- Jordan: I never sleep, I don't know why. I had a roommate and I drove her nuts, I mean really nuts, they had to take her away in an ambulance and everything. But she's okay now, but she had to transfer to an easier school, but I don't know if that had anything to do with being my fault. But listen, if you ever need to talk or you need help studying just let me know, 'cause I'm just a couple doors down from you guys and I never sleep, okay?
- Professor Hathaway: What are you looking at? You're laborers; you should be laboring. That's what you get for not having an education.
- Chris Knight: Look at it this way. Considering the type of people you are and the environment you're in, you have to admit the strong possibility this may be the only chance you ever have in your entire lives... to have sex.
- Chris Knight: Okay Mitch, I'm gonna make it up to you. Let's just pause, put that down. Let's just take a step back. No, I was wrong, I'm sorry, take a step forward. Now, take a step back. Step forward. Back. And then we're cha-cha-ing!
- Mitch: Will you stop it? I'm serious!
- Chris Knight: Okay, I'm serious too!
- Dr. Meredith: A bit of advice...
- Mitch: Oh, uh, thank you...
- Dr. Meredith: Always... no, no... never... forget to check your references.
- Mitch: Uh... ok... thank you. I'd better be going.
- Dr. Meredith: [to his wife] I think the young people enjoy it when I "get down" verbally, don't you?
- [Chris is holding a lab beaker with pink liquid in it]
- Chris Knight: Here Mitch, taste this. Go on, you won't hurt my feelings, just try it. What do you think, too sweet?
- Mitch: What is it?
- Chris Knight: I don't know, I found it in one of the labs.
- [Mitch starts to induce vomiting]
- Chris Knight: Relax, it's just yogurt.
- [Kent opens his dorm room door to find his car inside]
- Chris Knight: Hey Kent... That's your car.
- Mitch: Kent, you know you're not supposed to park that on campus.
- Kent: You've gone too far this time, Knight.
- Chris Knight: [whiny, scared voice] I had help!
- [points to Mitch]
- Kent: You, huh? Well you won't get away with this. Doctor Hathaway's gonna hear all about this. You'll rue the day!
- Chris Knight: "Rue the day?" Who talks like that?
- Chris Knight: You see Mitch, I used to be you. And lately I've been missing me so I asked Dr. Hathaway if I could room with me again and he said sure.
- Chris Knight: Moles and trolls, moles and trolls, work, work, work, work, work. We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all they want to do is study. I'm disgusted. I'm sorry but it's not like me, I'm depressed. There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races, we only had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?
- Chris Knight: Don't eat that!
- Chris' Girl at Party: Why?
- Chris Knight: Don't you know that eating that stuff can give you very large breasts?
- [looks down]
- Chris Knight: Oh, my God! I'm too late!
- Professor Hathaway: What's that smell?
- Chris Knight: [sniffs under armpit] Must be the dog, sir.
- Professor Hathaway: That's popcorn.
- Chris Knight: Yes sir, I know...
- Professor Hathaway: Well, get it away from me! I hate popcorn! I can't stand popcorn!
- Chris Knight: [Chris drops the bag of popcorn on the steps] Good. Now I know what to get you for your birthday.
- Mitch: But if I stay, what should I do?
- Chris Knight: You get even with Kent. It's a moral imperative.
- Chris Knight: Jerry, if you think that by threatening me you can get me to be your slave... Well, that's where you're right. But - and I am only saying this because I care - there are a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market today that are just as tasty as the real thing.
- Professor Hathaway: I'm not kidding, Chris.
- Chris Knight: Neither am I, Jerry.
- Chris Knight: As you know, Mitch and I were working on the cyanide system. Well, earlier today it ate itself. But, these little set-backs are just what we need to take a giant step forward. Right, Kent? Needless to say, I was a little despondent about the melt down, but then, in the midst of my preparations for hari kiri, it came to me. It is possible to synthesize excited bromide in an argon matrix. Yes, it's an excimer frozen in its excited state.
- Bodie: Th... That's impossible.
- Chris Knight: It's a chemical laser but in solid, not gaseous, form. Put simply, in deference to you, Kent, it's like lasing a stick of dynamite. As soon as we apply a field, we couple to a state that is radiatively coupled to the ground state. I figure we can extract at least ten to the twenty-first photons per cubic centimeter which will give one kilojoule per cubic centimeter at 600 nanometers, or, one megajoule per liter.
- Mitch: [as he helps a hallway sledder up from a crash] Are you okay?
- Jordan: [Removing helmet and talking rapidly] No, not emotionally, no I'm not. I'm disappointed, not terribly, but still. It should have gone much further much faster. It's okay, though, I know what the problem is. It's obviously the drag coefficient. I'll just have to redesign the blades. I can do that no problem. I can do that here. But after they're designed I got to cut them and that takes tools and time. Do you know how long this stuff is supposed to last?
- 'Ick' Ikagami: Maybe another half an hour?
- Jordan: Oh that's great, that's good, I can do that no problem. Okay, what's your name?
- Mitch: Mitch.
- Jordan: Oh, thank you for your help, Mitch. Okay I'll see you later.
- Mitch: [as she's leaving] You're welcome!
- Mitch: [to Ick as Jordan rushes back] Who was that?
- 'Ick' Ikagami: That? Oh, that was...
- Jordan: I'm Jordan. I forgot to tell you my name, I'm Jordan. I heard there was going to be someone new this term. Are you it?
- Mitch: Yeah.
- Jordan: Do you have a bed?
- Mitch: Yeah.
- [a surprised look hits Mitch's face as his mind registers the question]
- Jordan: [not missing a beat] Oh. I was going to make you one if you didn't have one, but you have one. Okay, bye.
- Chris Knight: You didn't touch anything, did you?
- Mitch: No.
- Chris Knight: Good. Because all of my filth is arranged in alphabetical order. This, for instance, is under 'H' for "toy."
- Mitch: What is that?
- Chris Knight: It's a penis stretcher. Do you want to try it?
- Mitch: No!
- Chris Knight: I'm kidding. It's yet another in a long series of diversions in an attempt to avoid responsibility.
- Chris Knight: Sir, let me take this moment to compliment you on your fashion sense, particularly your slippers.
- [last lines]
- 'Ick' Ikagami: Do you think it's getting weird around here?
- Chris Knight: Absolutely.
- Jordan: I didn't notice.
- Mitch: I like it.
- Chris Knight: Oh, Kent, that is so unfair! And we were going to make you King of the Winter Carnival.
- Kent: Really?
- Chris Knight: [sarcastic glance]
- Major Carnagle: Where's the laser?
- Professor Hathaway: It's coming.
- Major Carnagle: It's coming? Ha! It's not even breathing hard.
- Darlington Recruiter: You *are* Chris Knight, aren't you?
- Chris Knight: I hope so. I'm wearing his underwear.
- Chris Knight: Hey how's it going, Jerry?
- Professor Hathaway: What do you want, Knight?
- Chris Knight: World peace, but I don't think this is the time to discuss it.
- Professor Hathaway: Get out!
- Chris Knight: There's something that might interest you, Jerry.
- Professor Hathaway: I'm not interested in anything you have to say.
- Susan: [Coming downstairs in just a rumpled man's shirt] Dr. Hathaway...
- Chris Knight: [Surprised to see her] Susan!
- Chris Knight: [Turns back toward Dr. Hathaway who looks guilty] I solved the power problem, Jerry.
- Susan: Jerry?
- Professor Hathaway: [Turns to Susan] Take a cab.
- Chris Knight: So you'll hammer later!
- 'Ick' Ikagami: It worked!
- Mitch: That's neat!
- 'Ick' Ikagami: Now if we can just keep it from exploding!
- Kent: Explo-?
- [rushes into his room]
- Chris Knight: Hey Ick, you were just kidding about exploding, right?
- [starts to notice no one else is there any longer]
- Chris Knight: Ick? It's a joke, right?
- Chris Knight: [while Mitch is packing to leave] If you want to leave, go ahead. But, uh... you're going to miss the fun.
- Mitch: What fun?
- Chris Knight: Ick invented a new virus and we're going to release it in Kent's room.
- Kent: Uh, I'll catch up with you guys. I have to go to the bathroom.
- Chris Knight: Okay, Kent, but I don't think that's going to help your confidence any, do you?
- Chris Knight: Kent puts his name on his license plate.
- Mitch: My mom does the same thing to my underwear.
- Chris Knight: Your mom puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?
- Professor Hathaway: Mitch, there's something you need to know. Compared to you, most people have the IQ of a carrot.
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