- Businessman: [wants refund on unsatisfactory breakfast] It says one hundred percent guaranteed, you moron!
- Brad Hamilton: Mister, if you don't shut up I'm gonna kick one hundred percent of your ass!
- Jeff Spicoli: What Jefferson was saying was, Hey! You know, we left this England place 'cause it was bogus; so if we don't get some cool rules ourselves - pronto - we'll just be bogus too! Get it?
- Brad Hamilton: Why don't you get a job, Spicoli?
- Jeff Spicoli: What for?
- Brad Hamilton: You need money.
- Jeff Spicoli: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.
- Jeff Spicoli: [5:36] No shirt, no shoes...
- Jeff and Stoner Buds: No dice! Ohhhh.
- Brad Hamilton: Right. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
- Jeff Spicoli: He's the full hot orator.
- Stu Nahan: [Spicoli is dreaming that he's won a surfing competition, and he's got two girls in skimpy bikinis hanging on to him] Hello, everybody! I'm Stu Nahan, and I'd like you to meet this young man. His name, Jeff Spicoli. And Jeff, congratulations to you. Things looked kind of rough out there today.
- Jeff Spicoli: Well, I'll tell you, Stu, I did battle some humongous waves! But you know, just like I told the guy on ABC, "Danger is my business!"
- Stu Nahan: You know, a lot of people expected maybe Mark "Cutback" Davis or Bob "Jungle Death" Gerrard would take the honors this year.
- Jeff Spicoli: [laughs incredulously] Those guys are fags!
- Stu Nahan: [oblivious] That's fantastic! Let me ask you a question. When you get out there, do you ever fear for your life?
- Jeff Spicoli: Well, Stu, I'll tell you, surfing's not a sport, it's a way of life, it's no hobby. It's a way of looking at that wave and saying, "Hey, bud, let's party!"
- [focuses on Stu's sport coat]
- Jeff Spicoli: Where'd you get this jacket?
- Stu Nahan: [evasive] I got this from the network. Let me ask you a question. What's next for Jeff Spicoli?
- Jeff Spicoli: Heading over to the Australian and Hawaiian internationals, and then me and Mick are going to wing on over to London and jam with the Stones!
- [to the two girls next to him]
- Jeff Spicoli: And you guys are invited too!
- Mike Damone: I mean don't just walk in. You move across the room. And you don't talk to her. You use your face. You use your body. You use everything. That's what I do. I mean I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond. I mean, something happens.
- Mark Ratner: Well, naturally something happens. I mean, you put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen.
- Mike Damone: That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude.
- Mark Ratner: The attitude?
- Mike Damone: Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.
- [Spicoli has had a pizza delivered to class]
- Mr. Hand: Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?
- Jeff Spicoli: Learning about Cuba, and having some food.
- Mr. Hand: Mr. Spicoli, you're on dangerous ground here. You're causing a major disturbance on my time.
- Jeff Spicoli: I've been thinking about this, Mr. Hand. If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? Certainly, there's nothing wrong with a little feast on our time.
- Mr. Hand: [takes away box of pizza from Spicoli] You're absolutely right, Mr. Spicoli. It is our time. Yours, mine and everyone else's in this room. But it is my class.
- [calls up a couple of students]
- Mr. Hand: Mr. Spicoli has been kind enough to bring us a snack. Be my guest. Help yourselves. Get a good one.
- [the "five-point plan"]
- Mike Damone: All right, now pay attention. First of all, Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl.
- [standing next to a life size cut-out of Deborah Harry in record store]
- Mike Damone: "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now, three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And, five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.
- Brad Hamilton: [after Linda opens the door on him while he is masturbating] Jeez. Doesn't anyone fucking knock any more?
- [after Spicoli wrecks Jefferson's car]
- Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill you and he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill us!
- Jeff Spicoli: Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes!
- Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna shit!
- Jeff Spicoli: Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?
- Jefferson's Brother: First he's gonna shit, then he's gonna kill us!
- Jeff Spicoli: Relax, all right? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.
- [Spicoli, talking on the phone, hits his head with a shoe]
- Jeff Spicoli: [1:14:44] That was my skull! I'm so wasted!
- Jeff Spicoli: Hey, you're ripping my card.
- Mr. Hand: [coolly] Yes.
- Jeff Spicoli: Hey, bud, what's your problem?
- Mr. Hand: No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is.
- Jeff Spicoli: [stunned] You dick!
- [goes off on his way]
- Stacy Hamilton: Linda, I finally figured it out. I don't want sex. Anyone can have sex.
- Linda Barrett: Yeah, Stacy? What do you want?
- Stacy Hamilton: I want a relationship. I want romance.
- Linda Barrett: You want romance? In Ridgemont? We can't even get cable TV here, Stacy, and you want romance!
- Mr. Hand: [handing out graded test]
- [22:51]
- Mr. Hand: C. D. F. F. F. Three weeks we've been talking about the Platt Amendment. What are you people - on dope? A piece of legislation was introduced into Congress by Senator John Platt. It was passed in 1906. This amendment to our Constitution has a profound impact upon all of our...
- [notices Spicoli's seat is empty]
- Mr. Hand: Where is Jeff Spicoli? I saw him earlier today, near the first floor bathrooms. Is he still on campus? Anyone?
- [Desmond raises hand]
- Mr. Hand: Yes, Desmond?
- Desmond: I saw him by the food machines.
- Mr. Hand: How long ago?
- Desmond: Right before class.
- Mr. Hand: Okay. Bring him in.
- [Desmond exits]
- Mr. Hand: What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside your heads? There are some teachers in this school who look the other way at truants. It's a little game that you both play. They pretend they don't see you. You pretend you don't ditch! Now, who pays the price later? *You!*
- [Desmond re-enters; Spicoli follows him. He has a bagel stuffed into his pants; with open shirt, barefoot, holding Vans]
- Jeff Spicoli: Wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here! Hello, Mr. Hand.
- Mr. Hand: What's the reason for your truancy?
- Jeff Spicoli: Just couldn't make it on time.
- Mr. Hand: You mean you couldn't or you wouldn't?
- Jeff Spicoli: It was like a full crowd scene at the food lines.
- Mr. Hand: Food will be eaten on your time. Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you... shamelessly waste my time like this?
- Jeff Spicoli: [long pause, but then with complete truth in his answer] I don't know.
- Mr. Hand: [Mr. Hand goes to blackboard and writes the words "I DON'T KNOW", then underlines them] I like that. "I *don't* know." That's nice.
- Mr. Hand: [imitating] "Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?" "Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know!" That's nice. I really like that! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to leave your words on this board for *all* my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit of course, Mr. Spicoli.
- Jeff Spicoli: All right.
- Linda Barrett: Did you hear that surfer guy pulled a knife on Mr. Hand?
- Stacy Hamilton: No he didn't. He just called him a dick.
- Linda Barrett: People exaggerate so much around here.
- Mr. Vargas: [re the cadavers] They sold their bodies to medicine for money. About $30, I think.
- Dr. Miller: Twenty-five.
- Jeff Spicoli: Righteous bucks!
- [Stacy Hamilton exits the abortion-clinic building, which is across the street from a bowling alley]
- Brad Hamilton: [to Stacy] Since when do you go bowling?
- Pirate King: Hamilton, you're going over there as a representative of Captain Hook Fish and Chips. Part of our image, part of our appeal is that uniform, you know that.
- Brad Hamilton: You really want me to put this stuff back on?
- Pirate King: Yes, I do. Show a little pride.
- Linda Barrett: [after Stacy had sex for the fist time] So tell me, do you like Ron?
- Stacy Hamilton: I like Ron. But it hurts so bad.
- Linda Barrett: Don't worry. Keep doing it, it gets a lot better, I swear.
- Mike Damone: I can see it all now, this is gonna be just like last summer. You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought forty dollars worth of fuckin' film, and you never even talked to her. You don't even own a camera.
- Mark Ratner: Well, what am I supposed to do? Go up to this strange girl in my Biology class and say,"Hello, I'd like you to take your clothes off and jump on me"?
- Mike Damone: I would.
- Mr. Vargas: This gentleman here is named Arthur. Arthur was good enough to die last week of heart failure and we are fortunate enough today to view his body in it's pristine state. Now, here, an incision has been made. The ribs have been sawed off allowing us to remove the breast plate and *really* observe the human organs as they exist in their natural state! Here we have the human lungs. And here is the human heart, which you can see is actually located in the center of your chest.
- [lifts the heart out of the body to show his class]
- Jeff Spicoli: Oh, gnarly!
- Mike Damone: Look at you: member of the honor roll, assistant to the assistant manager of the movie theater. I'm tellin' ya, Rat, if this girl can't smell your qualifications, then who needs her, right?
- Damone: Can you honestly tell me you forgot? Forgot the magnetism of Robin Zander, or the charisma of Rick Nielsen?
- Dennis Taylor: Hamilton, did you threaten this customer or use profanity in any way?
- Brad Hamilton: Well, he started it; he called me a moron, Dennis.
- Dennis Taylor: [firmly] Answer! Did you threaten this customer or use profanity in any way?
- Brad Hamilton: Yes.
- Dennis Taylor: You're fired.
- Brad Hamilton: [Television Version, when Mrs. O'Rourke discussed to Brad about his life, and he fires back at her] You know what Mrs. O'Rourke, you don't know me at all. I broke up with my girlfriend this year, I lost my job at All American Burger and two other places. I wake up, at 5:30 to go to work at Mi-T-Mart. Then, I go to school and, go back to Mi-T-Mart. My grades aren't that bad and, you're telling me the fun is over. Man, I'm still waiting for the fun to start!
- [Mrs. O'Rourke, shakes her head]
- Linda Barrett: Go for it! He's cute. Just take his order. Look him in the eye. If he says anything remotely funny, just laugh like you've never heard anything so funny. And smile!
- Stacy Hamilton: Linda, that girl looks just like Pat Benatar.
- Linda Barrett: I know. Wait, there are three girls here at Ridgemont who have cultivated the Pat Benatar look.
- Stacy Hamilton: Do you think guys find that more attractive?
- Linda Barrett: Oh, Stacy, please. Give me a break! You are so much prettier than them.
- Stacy Hamilton: Yeah, I know. But, I think they'd be better in bed.
- Linda Barrett: What do you mean? Better in bed? Either you do it or you don't.
- Stacy Hamilton: No. There are, like, variables that I might not be good at.
- Linda Barrett: Like what variables?
- Stacy Hamilton: Like, you know, giving blow jobs.
- Mike Damone: It's never too soon, Rat. I mean, a girl decides how far she's gonna let you go in the first five minutes.
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