Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979)
John Cleese: Wise Man #1, Reg, Jewish Official, First Centurion, Deadly Dirk, Arthur
Reg : All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Attendee : Brought peace?
Reg : Oh, peace - shut up!
Reg : There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Dissenter : Uh, well, one.
Reg : Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid.
Pontius Pilate : So, yaw fatha was a Woman? Who was he?
Brian : He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
Pontius Pilate : Weally? What was his name?
Brian : 'Naughtius Maximus'.
[the Centurion laughs]
Pontius Pilate : Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion : Well, no, sir.
Pontius Pilate : Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
Centurion : Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
Pontius Pilate : [guard chuckles] What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus? "
Centurion : Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Pontius Pilate : I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
Pontius Pilate : Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
Brian : Can I go now, sir?
Brian : Aaah! Eh.
Pontius Pilate : Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!
Pontius Pilate : Wight! Take him away!
Centurion : Oh, sir, he - he only...
Pontius Pilate : No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
Centurion : Yes, sir. Come on, you.
[takes the guard away as continues laughing histerically]
Pontius Pilate : I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. - - Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...
[another guard chuckles]
Pontius Pilate : ... Dickus?
Pontius Pilate : What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'...
Pontius Pilate : ... Dickus?
[both guards chuckle]
Pontius Pilate : He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'... Incontinentia Buttocks
Pontius Pilate : [Guards are laughing] Stop! What is all this?
Pontius Pilate : [laughing continues] I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not - Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!
Matthias : Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah".
Jewish Official : You're only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias : Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
Jewish Official : I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" once more...
[Gets hit with a rock]
Jewish Official : Right! Who threw that? Come on, who threw that?
Stoners : She did! She!
[Suddenly speaking as men]
Stoners : Him! Him. Him.
Jewish Official : Was it you?
Stoner : Yes.
Jewish Official : Right...
Stoner : Well you did say "Jehovah".
[Crowd throws rocks at the stoner]
Jewish Official : Stop it! Stop! Stop, will you... stop that!
Jewish Official : Stop it! Now look: no one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle, do you understand? Even - and I want to make this absolutely clear - even if they do say "Jehovah".
[Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death]
Stoners : Gotcha!
Brian : I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
Girl : Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian : What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers : He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian : Now, FUCK OFF!
Arthur : How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
Brian : Oh, just go away! Leave me alone.
Judith : [on Stan's desire to be a mother] Here! I've got an idea: Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb - which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans' - but that he can have the *right* to have babies.
Francis : Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother... sister, sorry.
Reg : What's the *point*?
Francis : What?
Reg : What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies?
Francis : It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Reg : It's symbolic of his struggle against reality.
Pontius Pilate : [Pilate is going to release a prisoner to the crowd] People of Jewusalum,
[Everybody laughs at his speech impairment]
Pontius Pilate : Wome... is your fwiend!
[They laugh more]
Pontius Pilate : To pwove our fwiendship, we will welease one of our wong-doers! Who shall I welease?
Man in crowd : Welease Woger!
[Everybody laughs, and begin to chant, "Welease Woger"]
Pontius Pilate : Vewy well, I shall... Welease... Woger!
Centurion : Uh, we haven't got a "Woger", sir.
Pontius Pilate : Oh, okay. We have no "Woger'!
[They all laugh]
Man in crowd : Well what about "Wodewick" then?
[They laugh and chant "Welease Wodewick!"]
Pontius Pilate : Vewy well! I shall welease... Wodewick!
[the crowd laughs some more]
Centurion : Sir, there's no "Wodewick".
Pontius Pilate : Who is this "Wodewick" you speak of?
Man in crowd : He's a wobber!
Man in crowd : And a wapist!
Girl In Crowd : And a pick-pocket!
[Everybody shakes their heads at her and say no]
Pontius Pilate : He sounds a notowious cwiminal.
Wise Man #1 : Ahem!
Brian's mother : Oh!
[falls over in chair]
Brian's mother : Who are you?
Wise Man #2 : We are three wise men.
Brian's mother : What?
Wise Man #1 : We are three wise men.
Brian's mother : Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.
Centurion : Where is Brian of Nazareth?
Brian : You sanctimonious bastards!
Centurion : I have an order for his release!
Brian : You stupid bastards!
Mr. Cheeky : Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Brian : What?
Mr. Cheeky : Yeah, I - I - I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Centurion : Take him down!
Brian : I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Victim #1 : Eh, I'm Brian!
Mr. Big Nose : I'm Brian!
Victim #2 : Look, I'm Brian!
Brian : I'm Brian!
Victims : I'm Brian!
Gregory : I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
Victims : I'm Brian! I'm Brian!...
Brian : I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Centurion : All right. Take him away and release him.
Mr. Cheeky : No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!
Centurion : You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal?
Matthias : No.
Centurion : Crucifixion!
Matthias : Oh.
Centurion : Nasty, eh?
Matthias : Could be worse.
Centurion : What you mean "Could be worse"?
Matthias : Well, you could be stabbed.
Centurion : Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death.
Matthias : Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.
Centurion : You're weird!
Brian's mother : What star sign is he?
Wise Man #2 : Capricorn.
Brian's mother : Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man #2 : He is the son of God, our Messiah.
Wise Man #1 : King of the Jews.
Brian's mother : And that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man #3 : No, no, that's just him.
Brian's mother : Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
Reg : [arriving at Brian's crucifixion] Hello, Sibling Brian.
Brian : Thank God you've come, Reg.
Reg : Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. "We the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. "
Brian : What?
Reg : "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc. " And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time.
Matthias : [Answering the summons of the door] My legs are old and bent, my ears are grizzled, yes?
Centurion : There's one place we didn't look. Guards!
[the guards troop into the house]
Matthias : ...Nose is knackered.
Centurion : Have you ever seen anyone crucified?
Matthias : Crucifixion's a doddle.
Centurion : ...Don't keep saying that.
Lead Search Guard : [Guards troop out, last guard pauses] Found this spoon, sir.
Centurion : Well done, Sergeant!
Centurion : We'll be back... Oddball...
Reg : From now on you shall be called Brian that is called Brian.
[under the cover of darkness, Brian sneaks up to a statue and starts painting Latin grafitti on the plinth of a statue; he is caught in the act by a centurion who gives him a Latin grammar lesson]
Centurion : What's this, then? "Romanes Eunt Domus"? "People called Romanes, they go the house"?
Brian : It says "Romans, Go Home".
Centurion : No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"? Come on!
Brian : "Romanus".
Centurion : Goes like?
Brian : "Annus"?
Centurion : Vocative plural of "annus" is?
Brian : "Anni"?
Centurion : "Romani".
[the centurion corrects the first line of Brian's grafitti]
Centurion : "Eunt". What is "eunt"?
Brian : "Go".
Centurion : Conjugate the verb "to go".
Brian : "Ire, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt".
Centurion : So "eunt" is?
Brian : Third person plural present indicative. "They go".
Centurion : But "Romans, go home" is an *order*, so you must use the...?
Brian : The imperative!
Centurion : Which is?
Brian : Um, oh, oh, "i".
Centurion : How many Romans?
Brian : Plural. "Ite".
Centurion : "Ite".
[the centurion corrects the second line of Brian's grafitti]
Centurion : "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home". This is motion towards, isn't it, Brian?
Brian : Dative!
[the centurion draws his sword and holds it to Brian's neck]
Brian : No, not dative! Accusative! Accusative! "Domum", sir. "Ad domum".
Centurion : Except that "domus" takes the...
Brian : The locative, sir.
Centurion : Which is?
Brian : "Domum".
Centurion : "Domum".
[the centurion corrects the last line of Brian's grafitti]
Centurion : Understand?
Brian : Yes, sir.
Centurion : Now write it out a hundred times.
Brian : Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
Centurion : Hail Caesar. And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Reg : What Jesus fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem.
Francis : We're gettin' in through the underground heating system here, up through into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
Commando Xerxes : What exactly are the demands?
Reg : We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.
Francis : Why are you always on about women, Stan?
Stan : I want to be one.
Reg : What?
Stan : I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
Reg : What?
Stan : It's my right as a man.
Judith : Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
Stan : I want to have babies.
Reg : You want to have babies?
Stan : It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg : But... you can't have babies!
Stan : Don't you oppress me!
Reg : I'm not oppressing you, Stan! You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
Stan : [starts to cry]
Reg : One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning!
Centurion : Quiet! - silly person.
Centurion : You are fucking nicked, me old beauty!