- [Letitia has been pulled over by a policeman]
- Leticia Van Allen: Don't forget to remind me about the policeman's balls - I mean police show!
- [Myra talks to talent agent Leticia Van Allen]
- Myra Breckinridge: You see, Miss Van Allen, Uncle Buck and I deal in myths, and movie stars are like gods and goddesses. When one fades, another promptly takes its place, because the human race require that the Pantheon always be filled. And you and I must seek out the glittering few that are the new stars, of our race, reborn!
- Leticia Van Allen: How tall are you when you're off your horse, cowboy?
- Young Man at "Interview": Um, six feet, seven inches, ma'am.
- Leticia Van Allen: Well, never mind the six feet, and let's talk about the seven inches.
- Leticia Van Allen: Well, the end of another busy day. I can't wait till I get back to bed. If that don't work I'll try to sleep.
- Myra Breckinridge: I am Myra Breckinridge, whom no man will ever possess. The new woman whose astonishing history started with a surgeon's scalpel, and will end... who-knows-where. Just as Eve was born from Adam's rib, so Myron died to give birth to Myra. Did Myron take his own life, you will ask? Yes, and no, is my answer. Beyond that, my lips are sealed. Let it suffice for me to say that Myron is... with me, and that I am the fulfillment of all his dreams. Who is Myra Breckinridge? What is she? Myra Breckinridge is a dish, and don't you ever forget it, you motherfuckers - as the children say nowadays.
- Myra Breckinridge: You have a lot to learn. All you men have a lot to learn. And I have taken it upon myself to teach you.
- Rusty Godowsky: What do you mean?
- Myra Breckinridge: This is the most important part of your education. The part your teachers fail to instruct you in. It's called balling.
- Rusty Godowsky: I know how to do that!
- Myra Breckinridge: That's what you think. Did you know you have a temperature?
- Rusty Godowsky: No I didn't!
- Myra Breckinridge: Well you do. But no matter. I shall cure what's wrong with you.
- Rusty Godowsky: What are you gonna do?
- Myra Breckinridge: I shall ball you Rusty. It's very simple.
- Myra Breckinridge: Oh, Leticia, they don't call you the queen of the casting couch for nothing.
- Leticia Van Allen: Hm, from what I understand, they're voting me a special Academy Award.
- Myra Breckinridge: An Oscar?
- Leticia Van Allen: No. A golden phallus. And let me tell you, one day we'll have our own stable of studs.
- Myra Breckinridge: A steady stream of sturdy studs!
- Leticia Van Allen: Hm, a boy bank where credit is always good. Sort of a layered day plan.
- Myra Breckinridge: God bless America!
- Leticia Van Allen: God help America!
- [first lines]
- Myron: [sings to himself] A secret place known to none but me. And in my secret place, you can beg and torture me. I wouldn't tell you where to go. 'Cause in my secret place, secret place, a secret you know. Secret place, a secret you know.
- [Surgeon enters to applause]
- Surgeon: You realize, once we cut it off, it won't grow back. I mean, it isn't like hair, or fingernails, or toenails, you know.
- Myron: What do you think I am, some kind of idiot? I know that!
- Surgeon: [shrugs] Eh - how about circumcision? It'd be cheaper.
- Myron: Come on, come on, come on, let's get it over with, Myra's waiting!
- Surgeon: [shrugs] We'll have to blow up your tits with silicone.
- Myron: I thought they used paraffin.
- Surgeon: No, that would make them inflammable. You wouldn't want inflammable tits, now, do you?
- Myron: [sighs, then sings] I got a secret place known to none but me. And in my secret...
- Surgeon: [Indistinct] Cleaver.
- [Clear]
- Surgeon: I mean scalpel.
- Myron: Well, I should think so.
- Surgeon: Well, wish me luck. I've never done one of these before.
- Myron: [sings] You can beg and torture me. I wouldn't care.
- [applause]
- Myra Breckinridge: Those were the days. Spike Jones and his City Slickers, Ina Ray Hutton and Her All-girl Band, and, of course, the Andrews Sisters. Well, there'll never be anyone like them. The decline in our music saddens me - nearly as much as the decline in our films.
- Mary Ann Pringle: I have never heard of any of these people.
- Myra Breckinridge: But, my dear, they were unique. Truly mythic. Why, the Andrews Sisters really did roll out that barrel and no one yet has ever rolled it back.
- Judge Frederic D. Cannon: No nation can long endure the onslaught of godless Communism which permeates the very warp and woof of Southern California. Eternal alertness to what your neighbor is up to is the price of freedom. Miss Breckinridge, keep your eye on him at all times. And remember, the Commies will use every infernal device known to man - to worm their way into our churches and supermarkets. Which is why, only the National Rifle Association stands between a free America and a Communist takeover. With this in mind, we may yet curb the lawlessness and degenerate values as expressed by the Kremlin and upheld by the Supreme Court of the United States.
- Myra Breckinridge: My purpose in coming to Hollywood is the destruction of the American male in all its particulars.
- [Myra and Mary Ann are in bed together]
- Mary Ann Pringle: If only there was some man like you. I'd really fall, I would. But not like this. If only you were a man...
- Buck Loner: What's that?
- Masseuse: Swedish massage.
- [She tries a whip, slapping her hand with it]
- Buck Loner: What do you... do with it.
- Masseuse: I beat you with it.
- [She slaps her hand again]
- Buck Loner: Does it... hurt?
- Masseuse: You bet your ass.
- Buck Loner: Something's wrong here, someplace...
- [talent agent Leticia Van Allen is in her office with a young male client]
- Leticia Van Allen: Well, I don't care about your credits as long as you're oversexed.
- Stud: Oh, that's one of my credits!
- [a curtain goes up behind Leticia, revealing a bed]
- Stud: A bed! I never did see a bed in an office before.
- Leticia Van Allen: Well, you see I, I do a lot of night work sometimes.
- Buck Loner: How's it goin' ladies?
- Bobby Dean Loner: Just great swweeetie.
- Buck Loner: Playin' Canasta?
- Bobby Dean Loner: That's right swweeetie.
- Bobby Dean Loner: How's your poker game going swweeetie?
- Buck Loner: Jus' fine.
- Leticia Van Allen: It doesn't take much, c'mon get your fill of it! Do something just for the thrill of it!
- Myra Breckinridge: [after punching Uncle Buck] That, students, was a classic stage slap delivered so as to give the impression that the subject has been hit very hard in the mouth. It was first developed by Patricia Collinge in The Little Foxes, 1941.
- [Uncle Buck is walking dazed out of the room]
- Myra Breckinridge: Oh. Thank you for the demonstration, Uncle Buck.
- [everyone claps]
- [first title card]
- [script, crawl, before first lines]
- Myron: I must write it all down. Exactly as it happened. While it is fresh in my memory. But my hand trembles. Why? Twice I've dropped the yellow ball point pen. Now I sit at the surgical table making the greatest effort to calm myself, to put it all down not only for its own sake but also for you, Randolph, who never dreamed that anyone could ever act out
- [triple underline]
- Myron: totally
- [end underline]
- Myron: his fantasies and survive... / Myron Breckinridge
- Buck Loner: Howdy Doody. Come right on in, little lady. Take the weight off them pretty little feet, while I finish my last mile back to the old corral. So, you wanna be a star? Mmm. It's a hard road. And I feel I should say, No, siree. But somethin'- somethin' about you tells me I should give you a chance. What do you say? Can you take the heartache and the torture and the heat of them five-kilowatt lamps over at MGM? From where I sit, I'd say you can. I can see your name in lights now. Fact is, you remind me of one of our former successful students, a Miss Gloria Swanson. You've heard the name, I 'm sure.
- Myra Breckinridge: You mean she was one of your students?
- Buck Loner: You bet your sweet ass. The fact is, my students is always sayin', "Uncle Buck, if it weren't for you, we'd still be warmin' that seat back in Schwab's Drugstore."
- Myra Breckinridge: Really? I thought that was where Lana Turner was discovered?
- Buck Loner: Her too. Her too! Well, I'll be goldurned. You really done your homework. Yes, little lady, Lana Turner put her sweet little fanny right where you're sittin' now. Lana, I says, "What say we put you in a sweater and make a movie?" And we did.
- Buck Loner: Myra, Myra, Myra! What a spit-lickin' horny toad I'd be to let you walk out of here without makin' some contribution, like, to the family pork 'n' beans.
- Irving Amadeus: Is this your new masseuse?
- Buck Loner: My niece, Miss Myra Breckinridge, who'll be teaching empathy and posture.
- Irving Amadeus: Delicious!
- Buck Loner: I'm taking into account her recent and most tragic loss.
- Irving Amadeus: What did you lose, dear?
- Buck Loner: Her husband.
- Irving Amadeus: Careless.
- Myra Breckinridge: Well! Did you hear her? Never even heard of the Andrews Sisters. I scarcely dared mention Ella Mae Morse and the Cow-Cow Boogie.
- Myra Breckinridge: Half the world is starving now, and if population continues at the present rate...
- Myron: I know, I know. Famine by 1974. And you can forget about plankton and seaweed, because there's not gonna be enough of that to go around.
- Myra Breckinridge: I make all your fantasies come true, and then all you say is I make everything nasty! Well, I'm doing everything I can!
- Mario: Federico Fellini, the great director, tell me to look you up.
- Leticia Van Allen: Oh, Fellini. Oh, yes. He's my friend. Mmm. Did he say look me up or eat me up?
- Letitia's Secretary: Hmm, hundreds of broads at his feet. Get a test on this guy.
- Letitia's Secretary: A screen test?
- Leticia Van Allen: No. A blood test.
- Charlie Flager Jr.: It's a goddamn disgrace, Buck. A man can't take his family to the movies without seeing some kind of filth.
- Buck Loner: Yeah, yeah, I know. Now, listen, Charlie. You gotta get this bitch off my neck. She's making my life a living hell. Maybe you could plant drugs on her.
- Charlie Flager Jr.: I mean filth, Buck! I saw this picture where people were fornicating. Fornicating!
- Buck Loner: You mean, uh, really doing it?
- Charlie Flager Jr.: God's honest truth, Buck. I've seen it three times!
- Leticia Van Allen: You have all the kinky angles that are in right now. What about studs?
- Myra Breckinridge: Heaven.
- Leticia Van Allen: I mean, have you any that I don't know about?
- Myra Breckinridge: Uh, only one that's really "A" material. I know you'd like him. He's our pride and joy. He's the last stronghold of masculinity in this Disneyland of perversion.
- Leticia Van Allen: It looks like he's got quite a lot going for him.
- Myra Breckinridge: How should a man act?
- Rusty Godowsky: He should ball chicks. That's how.
- Mary Ann Pringle: But only if he loves her.
- Leticia Van Allen: [singing] Baby, here I am I'm a girl on the scene, I can give you what you want, But you better come home with me, I've got some good old lovin', And I've got some more in store, When I get through throwin' it on you, You gotta come back for more, Girls and things will come by the dozen, That ain't nothin' but good store lovin', Good lookin' thing, let me light your candle, 'Cause baby I'm sure hard to handle, Yes I am, mmm...
- Myra Breckinridge: Bend over the table. I want to take your temperature.
- Rusty Godowsky: But not there.
- Myra Breckinridge: Certainly there!
- Myra Breckinridge: Now, let's have a nice girlie evening. I'll tell you how I lost my virginity, if you tell me how you lost yours.
- Mary Ann Pringle: I'm sorry, Myra. I just can't. I wish I could, really.
- Myra Breckinridge: Love isn't always a matter of sex, you know.
- Mary Ann Pringle: Well, I know. And I really do love you as you are. I even like it when you touch me. Up to a point. I don't know. I just can't let myself go. That's the way I am.
- Myron: It's a dangerous thing ambition, ruined Mickey Mouse's whole career. Well now it's no more than eight bars and out Myra honey. You were no more than a Linda Darnell paper doll, a Disney cow that got over the fence and got ambitious. You were great in cinemascope and technicolor, but you can't cut it in black and white.