Tatsuya Mihashi credited as playing...
Phil Moscowitz
- Phil Moscowitz: Saracen pig! Spartan dog! Take this! And this! Roman cow! Russian snake! Spanish fly! Anglo-Saxon Hun!
- Phil Moscowitz: Don't look now, honey. This is the obligatory scene. The director always has to walk through with his wife.
- [a couple walks by in front of the camera]
- Phil Moscowitz: Egomaniac!
- High Macha Of Rashpur: Good afternoon. I am the Grand Exalted High Macha of Raspur, a nonexistent but real-sounding country.
- Phil Moscowitz: Uh-huh.
- High Macha Of Rashpur: Yes. We're on a waiting list. As soon as there's an opening on the map, we're next.
- Suki Yaki: I managed to find a woman's dress but I couldn't find a stitch of underwear.
- Phil Moscowitz: No underwear, huh? I find that very interesting.
- Suki Yaki: Don't excite yourself. I never sleep with a man who owns a dress.
- Phil Moscowitz: Me neither. I feel the same way.
- Woman in control room: You had us worried. What have you been up to?
- Phil Moscowitz: Well, nothing much really to report... by the way, I was almost shot and killed just before the opening credits.
- Suki Yaki: Who arranged my escape?
- Phil Moscowitz: Have you no idea?
- Suki Yaki: I had an idea it was the Mormon Tabernacle Choir... but they have no motive.
- Phil Moscowitz: [while printing the microfilm code] And now I will read you some ancient erotic poetry. "There once was a man from Nantucket..."
- Wing Fat: You fool! You're leading me on.
- Phil Moscowitz: How do I know after I give you the recipe you won't kill me.
- [runs his finger over his throat]
- Wing Fat: Kill you? Come on.
- [opens jacket]
- Wing Fat: Does this look like the body of a killer?
- Phil's Date: [while wrapped in a towel] Name three presidents.
- Phil Moscowitz: Roosevelt, McKinley...
- [Unwraps her towel and looks at her]
- Phil Moscowitz: ...Lincoln?
- Phil Moscowitz: What are we doing here?
- Palace servant: Just shut up and get on your knees. In a moment you will see a beautiful set of teeth.
- High Macha Of Rashpur: It's rough with a new country. Do you realize the entire population is still packed in crates?
- Phil Moscowitz: Good luck. I am sure you'll get your country on the globe.
- High Macha Of Rashpur: Thank you. I'm hoping for something between Spain and Greece. It's really much warmer there.
- High Macha Of Rashpur: [displaying a printed floor plan] This is Shepherd Wong's home.
- Phil Moscowitz: He lives in that piece of paper?
- Phil Moscowitz: That's a very unusual pin you're wearing.
- Suki Yaki: If I remove it, one of my parts falls off.
- Phil Moscowitz: No bullets? Ah, but if all of you in the audience who believe in fairies will clap your hands, then my gun will be magically filled with bullets.
- Phil Moscowitz: Hey, taxi! Kidnap us, please, and step on it!
- Cab Driver: Did you say "kidnap"?
- Phil Moscowitz: Yes, that's right.
- Cab Driver: Alright, but first it's time for a little sightseeing. Coming up on your right is the world-renowned factory where the broken Japanese toys are made.
- Phil Moscowitz: Would you like a drink? Would you like to take another bath? Would you like to see my collection of off-color, Italian hand gestures? Could I interest you in a naked picture of Hugh Hefner?
- Suki Yaki: I never saw anyone who thought of sex so much. You know, you're kinda cute in your own way. I could really fall for you.
- Phil Moscowitz: Meet me in the bedroom in five minutes and bring a cattle prod.