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- Reggie Lampert: Mr. Bartholomew, if you're trying to frighten me... you're doing a first-rate job.
- Reggie Lampert: Is there a Mrs. Cruikshank...?
- Adam Canfield: Yes.
- Reggie Lampert: But you're divorced.
- Adam Canfield: No...
- Reggie Lampert: [Regina's face falls] Oh.
- Adam Canfield: [Brian/Adam gets out his wallet to show her the picture] My mother, she lives in Detroit, you'd like her, she'd like you too.
- Reggie Lampert: You're blocking my view.
- Peter Joshua: Oh, uh, oh, uh, which view would you prefer?
- Reggie Lampert: The one you're blocking.
- Reggie Lampert: Of course, you won't be able to lie on your back for a while but then you can lie from any position, can't you?
- Peter Joshua: Do we know each other?
- Reggie Lampert: Why, do you think we're going to?
- Peter Joshua: I don't know. How would I know?
- Reggie Lampert: Because I already know an awful lot of people, and until one of them dies I couldn't possibly meet anyone else.
- Reggie Lampert: Well, wasn't it Shakespeare who said "when strangers do meet in far off lands they should e'er long see each other again?"
- Peter Joshua: Shakespeare never said that.
- Reggie Lampert: How do you know?
- Peter Joshua: It's terrible. You just made it up.
- Reggie Lampert: Oh well, it sounds right.
- Adam Canfield: Well, what did you expect me to say? That a pretty girl with an outrageous manner means more to an old pro like me than a quarter of a million dollars?
- Reggie Lampert: I don't suppose so.
- Adam Canfield: Well, it's a toss-up, I can tell you that.
- Reggie Lampert: What did you say?
- Adam Canfield: Hasn't it occurred to you that I'm having a tough time keeping my hands off you?
- [Regina is stunned]
- Adam Canfield: Oh, you should see your face.
- Reggie Lampert: What's the matter with it?
- Adam Canfield: It's lovely.
- [Regina drops her knife and fork]
- Adam Canfield: What's the matter now?
- Reggie Lampert: I'm not hungry anymore; isn't it glorious?
- Reggie Lampert: Not until you prove to me that you're really Brian Crookshank.
- Brian Crookshank: All right, one day next week I'll put it on a marriage license. How about that...?
- Reggie Lampert: [interrupting] Quit stalling. I want some identification, now!
- Brian Crookshank: I wouldn't lie on a license. I could go to jail...
- Reggie Lampert: [interrupting] You can't prove it to me, can you? You're still trying to - Marriage license! Did you say marriage license?
- Brian Crookshank: Now don't change the subject, just give me the stamps.
- Reggie Lampert: Oh! Oh, I love you Adam, Alex, Peter, Brian, whatever your name is. Oh, I love you. I hope we have a lot of boys and we can name them all after you.
- Brian Crookshank: Before we start that, may I have the stamps?
- Inspector Grandpierre: Tell me, Mister Dyle. Where were you at 3:30 a.m.?
- Adam Canfield: In my room. Asleep.
- Inspector Grandpierre: And you, Mrs. Lampert?
- Reggie Lampert: I was, too.
- Inspector Grandpierre: In Mister Dyle's room?
- Reggie Lampert: No, in my room.
- Inspector Grandpierre: Obviously you're telling the truth, for why would you invent such a ridiculous story?
- [Gideon is looking at Charles' body in the coffin and begins to sneeze violently]
- Sylvie Gaudel: He must've known Charles pretty well.
- Reggie Lampert: How can you tell?
- Sylvie Gaudel: He's allergic to him.
- Reggie Lampert: [explaining a puppet show] The man and woman are married.
- Peter Joshua: I can see that. They're batting each other over the head.
- Alexander Dyle: What do I have to do to satisfy you? Become the next victim?
- Reggie Lampert: That's a start anyway.
- Reggie Lampert: [looking for the valuable item in Charles' bag] Wait a minute! The tooth powder!
- Adam Canfield: What about it?
- Reggie Lampert: Could you recognize heroin just by the taste of it?
- Adam Canfield: [tasting the tooth powder, then feigning discovery] Heroin! Peppermint-flavored heroin!
- Reggie Lampert: Here it comes, the fatherly talk. You forget I'm already a widow.
- Peter Joshua: Well, so was Juliet, at fifteen.
- Reggie Lampert: I'm not fifteen.
- Peter Joshua: Well, that's your trouble. You're too old for me.
- Reggie Lampert: This is a ludicrous situation. I can think of a dozen men who are just longing to use my shower.
- Peter Joshua: [opening the phone booth to see Regina]
- [Regina screams]
- Peter Joshua: What are you doing in here?
- Reggie Lampert: I'm having a nervous breakdown.
- Peter Joshua: Is there a Mr. Lampert?
- Reggie Lampert: Yes.
- Peter Joshua: Good for you.
- Reggie Lampert: No it isn't, I'm getting a divorce.
- Peter Joshua: Please! Not on my account.
- Reggie Lampert: [pondering] Is there a Mrs. Dyle?
- Alexander Dyle: Yes...
- [Reggie's face drops]
- Alexander Dyle: but we're divorced!
- Reggie Lampert: [Reggie smirks] I thought that was Peter Joshua?
- Alexander Dyle: I am just as difficult to live with as he was.
- Peter Joshua: Why do you think Tex did it?
- Reggie Lampert: Because I really suspect Gideon and it's always the person you don't suspect.
- Peter Joshua: Do women find it feminine to be so illogical, or can't they help it?
- Reggie Lampert: I'm in the book.
- Peter Joshua: Are you?
- Reggie Lampert: Charles is.
- Peter Joshua: Is there only one Charles Lampert?
- Reggie Lampert: Lord I hope so!
- Reggie Lampert: So it's goodbye Alexander Dyle and welcome home Peter Joshua.
- Adam Canfield: [shakes his head] Sorry the name is Adam Canfield.
- Reggie Lampert: Adam Canfield? Wonderful! Do you realize you've had three names in the past two days? I don't even know who I'm talking to any more!
- Adam Canfield: We didn't steal it, there's no law against stealing stolen money.
- Reggie Lampert: Of course there is!
- Adam Canfield: There is?
- Reggie Lampert: Yes!
- Adam Canfield: When did they pass such a silly law?
- Tex Panthollow: She batted them pretty little eyes at you, and you fell for it like an egg from a tall chicken!
- Leopold Gideon: Well, you know I'd tell you if I had it.
- Tex Panthollow: Oh *naturally*, just like I'd tell you if I had it.
- Leopold Gideon: *Naturally*. And that goes for Herman too.
- Tex Panthollow, Leopold Gideon: *Naturally*.
- Tex Panthollow: Oh, poor old Herman. It seems like him and good luck always was strangers. Well, maybe now he'll meet up with his other hand some place.
- Reggie Lampert: I'm sorry.
- Mr. Felix - Stamp Dealer: No, for a few minutes, they were mine. That is enough.
- [the third murder has just been discovered]
- Inspector Grandpierre: Three of them. All in their pyjamas? C'est ridicule! What is it, some new American fad?
- Reggie Lampert: Silvie, I am going to get a divorce.
- Sylvie: From Charles?
- Reggie Lampert: He's the only one husband I have.
- Reggie Lampert: Come in. I've got something that stings like crazy.
- Alexander Dyle: You're the kind of girl who'd have something like that.
- Sylvie: That's no reason to get a divorce! With a rich husband and this year's clothes, you won't find it difficult to make some new friends.
- Reggie Lampert: Look, I admit I came to Paris to escape American Provincial, but that doesn't mean I'm ready for French Traditional.
- Reggie Lampert: Are you really Carson Dyle's brother?
- Alexander Dyle: Would you like to see my passport?
- Reggie Lampert: Passport? What kind of proof is that?
- Alexander Dyle: Well, would you like to see where I was tattooed?
- Reggie Lampert: Yes.
- Alexander Dyle: All right. We'll drive around that way.
- Reggie Lampert: [groans]
- Reggie Lampert: Is there a Mrs. Canfield?
- Adam Canfield: Yes...
- Adam Canfield, Reggie Lampert: [both] But we're divorced.
- Reggie Lampert: Is there a Mrs. Joshua?
- Peter Joshua: Yes, but we are divorced.
- Reggie Lampert: Oh, that wasn't a proposal. I'm just curious.
- [after Dyle sees Herman Scobie hanging from the edge of the building]
- Alexander Dyle: How are you doing?
- Herman Scobie: HOW DO YOU THINK?
- Alexander Dyle: If you get bored, try writing 'Love Thy Neighbor' a hundred times on the side of the building!
- Reggie Lampert: Brian Crookshank. Serves me right if I get stuck with that one.
- Brian Crookshank: Well, who asked you to get stuck with any of them?
- [first lines]
- Jean-Louis Gaudet: [after squirting Reggie in the face with his squirt gun] Oh, la!
- Reggie Lampert: Don't tell me, you didn't know it was loaded. Sylvie! Oh. Can't he do something constructive, like start an avalanche or something?
- [Tearing filter off cigarette]
- Reggie Lampert: I can't stand these things... it's like drinking coffee through a veil.
- Reggie Lampert: Any minute now we could be assassinated. Would you do anything like that?
- Peter Joshua: What, assassinate someone?
- Reggie Lampert: No, swing down from there on a rope to save the woman you love. Like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
- Peter Joshua: [turns and sees Notre Dame] What? Who put that there?
- Inspector Grandpierre: [Offering advice to Reggie and Mr. Dyle, after three murdered people have been found, all wearing pajamas] And if I were you, I wouldn't stay in my pajamas. Good night.
- Reggie Lampert: Why do people have to tell lies?
- Peter Joshua: Usually it's because they want something. They are afraid the truth won't get it for them.
- Peter Joshua: How would you like a spanking?
- Reggie Lampert: How would you like a punch in the nose? Stop treating me like a child.
- Sylvie: I don't understand. Why do you want a divorce?
- Reggie Lampert: Because I don't love him and he doesn't love me.
- Sylvie: That's no reason to get a divorce!
- Reggie Lampert: Alex, how can you tell if anyone's lying or not?
- Alexander Dyle: You can't.
- Reggie Lampert: There must be some way.
- Alexander Dyle: No, no. There's an old riddle about two tribes of Indians. The Whitefeet always tell the truth, and the Blackfeet always lie. So one day you meet an Indian. You say, "Hey, Indian, what are you, a truthful Whitefoot or a lying Blackfoot? He says, "I'm a truthful Whitefoot." But which is he?
- Reggie Lampert: Well, why couldn't you just look at his feet?
- Alexander Dyle: Because he's wearing moccasins.
- Reggie Lampert: Well, then he's a truthful Whitefoot, of course.
- Alexander Dyle: Well, why not a lying Blackfoot?
- Reggie Lampert: Which one are you?
- Alexander Dyle: A truthful Whitefoot.