Don't Knock the Twist (1962)

Lang Jeffries: Ted Haver

Quotes 

• Ted Haver : Want to know something? I was going to propose to you tonight. Now, I don't know whether to propose to you or proposition you.

  Dulcie Corbin : When in doubt, darling, proposition.

• Herbert 'Herb' Walcott : [watching the backside of a girl doing the Twist on the TV]  That's what I like to see, boy. America on the move.

  Ted Haver : Well, if that's America, Chief, I sure don't recognize the coastline.

  Herbert 'Herb' Walcott : Progress, boy, progress! That's what the Twist is. New ideas. New dances. New comedy. New faces. America's always moving forward! A TV network has to do the same.

• Herbert 'Herb' Walcott : Watch the screen, son. You know what you were looking at?

  Ted Haver : Yeah, I got the girl's message okay.

  Herbert 'Herb' Walcott : That's "Twelve O'Clock Dance Time" on NBS. Modern. Up-to-the-minute. Today it was the Spice Island Group. Tomorrow it'll be some other hot Twist outfit.

• Ted Haver : Herb, this Twist is a fad! Look, we're starting a long range program and the fad will be over before we can get our feet wet.

  Herbert 'Herb' Walcott : Fad? Ha-ha. Why, women haven't had so much fun doing things with their hips since they wore bustles.

  Ted Haver : So, we'll get Hinkley/Bruntley to do the Twist in their news broadcast.

• Ted Haver : Don't ever break that Twistin' leg, man, or you're out of business.

  Chubby Checker : I'll go right into bankruptcy, that's for sure.

• Ted Haver : Hey, I tell you what, there's nothing better for the nerves than a couple of hours of Twistin'.

• Ted Haver : What are you trying to do? Win an award for the best undressed woman of the year?

  Dulcie Corbin : Shhh! Darling, Chubby Checkers is going to sing.

  Chubby Checker : [singing]  I love to Twist, Baby, I do, I love to Twist, Ah, baby, with you, Sweet little Miss, Come on, let's Twist, The way they do, Yeah, that's all brand new...

• Ted Haver : You're not going to Twist in that!

  Dulcie Corbin : Of course, I am. I designed this gown especially for Twisting. Now, no inhibitions, darling.

• Vic Dana : Say, that gal of yours sure blew up a storm tonight!

  Ted Haver : Yeah and all the weather reports aren't in yet.

• Dulcie Corbin : That trip to the dressing room was worth $6400.

  Ted Haver : $6400?

  Dulcie Corbin : Eight new gowns, designed especially for Twisting, at 800 apiece. Money, money, money! It's exquisite, darling. All of those fat, juicy little dollar signs. I just love'em!

  Ted Haver : Dulcie, you and money are carrying on the greatest love affair since Napoleon and Josephine.

• Ted Haver : Well, it's bigger than a bread box, that's for sure.

• Ted Haver : I should have known I couldn't make a wife out of a Fast Buck Kid in one easy lesson.

  Dulcie Corbin : We're both Fast Buck Kids! That's one of the big things we've had in common. That's why we've lasted together for so long, Ted. Now, don't get religion on me.

  Ted Haver : Ah, Dulcie, forget it. You know, my mistake was thinking about you as Dulcie - rather than, Dulcie, Incorporated.

  Dulcie Corbin : I tell you what, how about spending the weekend with me at my place at the lake?

• Madge Albright : Go on, get out of here you Peeping Tom!

  Ted Haver : You got it wrong, lady, I'm a Peeping Ted.

• Madge Albright : I'm sorry for calling you a Peeping Tom.

  Ted Haver : Well, that's all right. Besides, the way you look, I'm thinking about becoming one.

• Ted Haver : You know that girl's as good as a pro. Hey, fella, what's the name of that crazy dance they're doing?

  Teenager : Mashed Potatoes, man. Where have you been?

• Ted Haver : Look at that girl, go. And I bet she never had a lesson.

  Ruth Emerson : Just doin' what comes natural.

  Ted Haver : The way she uses her body!

  Dulcie Corbin : Yes! Yes! Ted, you're right!

• Madge Albright : Look, I told you, Mr. Haver, the only reason we put on a show every Saturday night is to raise money for the summer orphanage camp. Dancing isn't our business.

  Ted Haver : How much money do you raise for that orphanage over a summer?

  Madge Albright : Oh, 14--$1500.

  Ted Haver : Suppose I told you that we can give them 10 times that amount of money!

  Madge Albright : 10 times!

  Joe Albright : Holy cow!

• Dulcie Corbin : Salome costume? Salome! Are you talking about that cotton-picking wench that did the dance of the seven veils and walked around with a head on a tray?

  Ted Haver : I am.

  Dulcie Corbin : Well, you can put the tray away. I'm not designing any outfits I can't sell! And the Salome costume went out of style a few thousand years ago.

  Ted Haver : Come on, Dulcie, we built up a big Salome production number for the finale! All we're trying to do is show that Salome did a version of the Twist in those days.