Plot

With a flu epidemic running rife, three new bumbling recruits are assigned to Inspector Mills police station. They manage to totally wreck the operations of the police force and let plenty of criminals get away.

With a flu epidemic running rife, three new bumbling recruits are assigned to Inspector Mills police station. With help from Special Constable Gorse, they manage to totally wreck the operations of the police force and let plenty of criminals get away, even before they arrive at the station. They all have to prove themselves or else they'll be out of a job and Sergeant Wilkins will be transferred. Sub-plots include romances between Wilkins and Moon, Constable and Passworthy.—Graeme Huggan <hia95gh@sheffield.ac.uk>

A flu is decimating the ranks of the patrol at a suburban police detachment in England. As such, temporary replacements are brought in as Constables, the latter four straight out of their police training: bumbling effete Special Constable Timothy Gorse who is elevated to full-time from part-time; Gloria Passworthy, the only female among the five; Charlie Constable, a highly superstitious man who believes everything that happens, good or bad, stems from proverbially being able to read the tea leaves; Stanley Benson, an amateur psychologist who mistakenly believes he has an innate ability to read if people are good or bad i.e. criminal; and Thomas Potter, a socialite playboy. While Passworthy is inherently effective as a police officer, Constable, Benson and Potter, who went through training together and only barely passed, are conversely inept, Constable's problems only exacerbated by being attracted to Passworthy making him unable to focus while he wonders if the stars are in alignment for them to get together. Gorse, Constable, Benson and Potter, individually and as a collective, are the cause of one problem after another, which could be an issue for their superior, Sgt. Frank Wilkins, as the detachment's ineffective head, Inspector Mills, has threatened time and time again to transfer him, he, beyond believing Mills the problem as the blowhard, having reason to want to stay in the form of fellow sergeant, Laura Moon.—Huggo

A local police force is left short-staffed by a flu epidemic. Enter four bungling trainee policemen to fill the gap! Sergeant Wilkins has to try to turn them into real police overnight, but in the meantime criminals can breath a sigh of relief while the innocent had better watch out...—Simon N. McIntosh-Smith <Simon.N.Smith@cs.cf.ac.uk>

A suburban police station is understaffed, due to a flu epidemic (due to which 6 officers have failed to report for duty), and Sergeant Wilkins (Sid James), under pressure to maintain staffing levels, is pleased to hear those three new recruits, straight from training school, are due shortly.

Sergeant Wilkins doesn't get along with his boss Inspector Mills (Eric Barker), who is a lazy bugger, & threatens to transfer Wilkins if he doesn't change things at the station quickly. Mills has already reprimanded Wilkins for the lack of discipline at the station once and the next instance will be the last. Wilkins does not have any respect for Mills. Mills transfers all his work to Wilkins, and then waits for Wilkins to make a mistake. When Wilkins slips up, Mills threatens him with a transfer out. Sergeant Laura Moon is sympathetic to Wilkins. PC Thurston (Cyril Chamberlain) mans the front desk and is in charge of taking down all citizen complaints for further action.

Before even arriving, the three policemen inadvertently assist some bank robbers into their getaway car (a Jaguar Mk2) and are embarrassed when they learn the truth. The new constables are self-proclaimed intellectual and amateur psychologist PC Stanley Benson (Kenneth Williams), former socially well-connected playboy and cad PC Tom Potter (Leslie Phillips) (who likes to say "none hotter") and PC Charlie Constable (Kenneth Connor) who is extremely superstitious. Constable sees bad luck in everything like a cross-eyed man crossing their path. Constable says that cosmic forces rule their lives and should not be trifled with.

Wilkins is horrified to learn that the three recruits only just passed their basic training. Constable says that on the day of the finals, a black cat fell off the roof and Mars was in conjunction with Uranus at the time, and hence there was no chance that they could have done well. Constable looks at the police dog at the station and says that it is a symbol of Pluto, the darkest and the evilest of all planets.

The arrival of WPC Gloria Passworthy (Joan Sims) and Special Constable Timothy Gorse (Charles Hawtrey) (who is a delicate flower) completes the roster. Gorse brings a bouquet of flowers for Wilkins on his first day. Gorse has also brought with him his pet bird in a cage. Meanwhile Passworthy makes an arrest of a woman Mrs May (Joan Hickson) for drunk and disorderly conduct in public who is a frequent visitor to the police station for the same reasons. The woman praises Passworthy for the most professional arrest of her life.

Constable falls in love with Passworthy. Potter is besotted with WPC Harrison (Jill Adams). Since the regular apartments are filled with recovering policemen, the new recruits are given jail cells as accommodation. Potter is dismayed to find that Harrison is down with flu and Passworthy is her replacement.

Out on the beat, the new constables try hard but are less than successful. Benson is given the task to walk the police dog, while Gorse is beaten up by a mother (Irene Handl) missing her child (he was playing nearby). Benson is not able to control the police dog, who gets away from him and makes him run after it.

Benson claims to be able to tell a criminal from an honest person with a glance. Benson claims that all of criminology is a science and by studying human behavior it is but easy to figure out the criminally minded and use that knowledge to prevent crime. But Benson is robbed without his knowledge by a pickpocket.

Benson complains to Mills about being asked to walk the dog and Mills orders that Benson should not be tasked to walk the dog, as they can't afford to get the dog angry.

Then, Benson nearly arrests a plainclothes Detective Sergeant Liddell (Victor Maddern), and Constable believes he's just heard a murder being committed, but it turns out to be a radio play. Potter investigates a report of an intruder but finds a young woman in the bath. Potter proceeds to seduce the young woman Sally Barry (Shirley Eaton), only to be interrupted by Wilkins, who was keep an eye on the beat routes of the new recruits.

Gorse is requested to rescue to cat from a church but ends up ringing the bells of the church tower, triggering an alarm. Benson helps a deaf lady cross the street, only to find that she didn't want to cross it in the first place. The deaf lady ends up assaulting Benson.

Inspector Mills takes stock of the patrol and is outraged to see the stunts that his new recruits have pulled & takes Sergeant Wilkins to task. Charles Constable is assigned to typewriter duty while Timothy Benson goes on FIR duty. Charles finally musters the courage to propose to Passworthy, but she is still oblivious to his strange behavior towards her. Potter is given the task to walk the dog, but he can't control it.

Mills issues instructions that the newbies can't patrol the streets without supervision from a senior officer. Benson & Gorse defy the orders & stake out at a local department store to stop menace of shoplifting. They dress as women and witness a shoplifting. They apprehend the criminal outside the shop, who turns out to be a wealthy socialite, who has an account at the shop. Instead, Benson and Gorse are challenged by the store manager as shoplifters, as they can't prove their story of being policemen.

They have better luck when a wages robbery takes place. Initially the robbers manage to get away from Wilkins & Potter and steal 100,000 pounds. This makes Mills mad, who decides to out everyone on report & promises to dismiss them by 3 PM. Benson and Potter locate the getaway car and all four engage in a confrontation with the thieves, arresting them and recovering the money.

Commended for his efficiency and excellent results, Inspector Mills is promoted to a training position and Wilkins is promoted to replace him. Charlie Constable gets his girl (with a little help from Sgt Laura Moon (Hattie Jacques)) and stops being superstitious.