Some Like It Hot (1959)
Quotes
[last lines]
Jerry: Oh no you don't! Osgood, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.
Osgood: Why not?
Jerry: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural blonde.
Osgood: Doesn't matter.
Jerry: I smoke! I smoke all the time!
Osgood: I don't care.
Jerry: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player.
Osgood: I forgive you.
Jerry: [tragically] I can never have children!
Osgood: We can adopt some.
Jerry: But you don't understand, Osgood! Ohh...
[Jerry finally gives up and pulls off his wig]
Jerry: [normal voice] I'm a man!
Osgood: [shrugs] Well, nobody's perfect!
[Jerry looks on with disbelief as Osgood continues smiling with indifference. Fade out]
[at the booking office, trying to be hired]
Joe: What kind of a band is this, anyway?
Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be under twenty-five.
Jerry: We could pass for that.
Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be blonde.
Jerry: We could dye our hair.
Sig Poliakoff: And you gotta be girls.
Jerry: We could...
Joe: No, we couldn't!
Sugar: [on marrying well] I don't care how rich he is, as long as he has a yacht, his own private railroad car, and his own toothpaste.
Joe: [trying to get Jerry to face reality regarding his engagement to Osgood] Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy.
Jerry: I'm a boy.
Joe: That's the boy.
Jerry: [coming around] I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?
Joe: What engagement present?
Jerry: Osgood gave me a bracelet.
Joe: [takes it and inspects the stones with Beinstock's glasses] Hey, these are real diamonds!
Jerry: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?
Sugar: Real diamonds! They must be worth their weight in gold!
Jerry: Will you look at that! Look how she moves! It's like Jell-O on springs. Must have some sort of built-in motor or something. I tell you, it's a whole different sex!
Joe - 'Josephine': [grabbing Daphne by the collar] Daphne?
Daphne: Well, I never did like the name Geraldine.
Sugar: [pouring bourbon into paper cup] Turn the lights on.
Daphne: No lights, we don't want anyone to know we're having a party.
Sugar: But I might spill some.
Daphne: So spill it! Spills, thrills, laughs, and games. This may even turn out to be a surprise party.
Sugar: What's the surprise?
Daphne: Not yet.
Sugar: When?
Daphne: Better have a drink first.
Sugar: There. That'll put hair on your chest.
Daphne: No fair guessing.
Sig Poliakoff: You're the wrong shape. Goodbye!
Joe: What are you looking for - hunchbacks or something?
Sig Poliakoff: It's not the backs that worry me.
Sugar: [singing] I wanna be loved by you, just you, nobody else but you. I wanna be loved by you alo-o-one. Boop boop e doo.
Mulligan: What happened here?
Little Bonaparte: [referring to Spats and his thugs] There was something in that cake that didn't agree with them.
Mulligan: My compliments to the chef. Nobody leaves this room until I get the recipe.
Little Bonaparte: You wanna make a federal case of it?
Mulligan: [grabs the speaker of Little Bonaparte's hearing aid] Yeah!
Sugar: Story of my life. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
Toothpick Charlie: Look, chief, I better blow 'cause if Columbo sees me, it's gonna be "Goodbye Charlie!"
Mulligan: Goodbye, Charlie.
Osgood: You know, I've always been *fascinated* by show business.
Daphne: Is that so?
Osgood: Yes. As a matter of fact it's cost my family quite a bit of money.
Daphne: Oh, you invest in shows?
Osgood: Showgirls. I've been married seven or eight times.
Daphne: You're not sure?
Osgood: Mama is keeping score.
Spats Colombo: [to coin-flipping wise guy] Where did you pick up that cheap trick?
Joe: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.
Jerry: Well, suppose it doesn't?
Joe: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn!
Jerry: [Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table] Joe...?
Joe: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.
Jerry: Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!
Jerry: [Joe used a "Cary Grant" voice when posing as a millionaire] What are you trying to do to that poor girl, putting on a millionaire act? And, where did you get that phony accent? Nobody "talks loike thet"!
Joe: We won't breathe a word!
Spats Colombo: You won't breathe nothin' - not even air.
Little Bonaparte: [thick Italian accent] Thank you, fellow opera-lovers. It's been ten years since I elected myself president of dis organization... an' if I say so myself, you made duh right choice. Let's look at duh record: In duh lass fissel year we made a hundred an' twelve million dollars before taxes... only we didn't pay no taxes!
Daphne: [after meeting the all-girl band they'll be traveling with] How about that talent, huh? It's like falling into a tub of butter.
Joe: Watch it, Daphne!
Daphne: When I was a kid, Joe, I used to have a dream. I was locked up overnight in a pastry shop, and there was goodies all around. There was jelly rolls, and mocha eclairs, and sponge cake and Boston cream pie...
Joe: Look, Stoop...
Daphne: And cherry tart...
Joe: Stoop, listen to me! No butter, no pastry. We're on a diet!
Osgood: [to the elevator operator] All right, driver, once around the park, slowly, and keep your eyes on the road.
Joe: [referring to Jerry] He has an empty stomach and it's gone to his head.
Spats Colombo: Hello, copper. What brings you to Miami?
Mulligan: Heard you "opera lovers" were having a convention, so I thought I'd better be around in case anybody decided to sing.
Spats Colombo: [when his speakeasy is raided] What's the rap this time?
Mulligan: Embalming people with coffee - 86 proof.
Sugar: Oh Josephine! The most wonderful thing happened!
Joe: What?
Sugar: Guess.
Joe: They repealed prohibition?
Jerry: Oh come now, you can do better than that.
Sugar: I met one of them.
Joe: One of whom?
Sugar: Shell Oil Junior. He's got millions, he's got glasses, he's got a yacht!
Joe: You don't say.
Jerry: He's not only got a yacht, he's got a bicycle!
Joe - 'Josephine': [to Daphne] . What are you afraid of? No-one's asking you to have a baby!
Sugar: [after running back to the room to tell Josephine about the millionaire, Joe's other alter ego, and finding she's not there] Well I'll be back later.
Jerry: Oh no you wait. I have a feeling she'll show up any minute.
Sugar: Believe it or not, Josephine predicted the whole thing.
Jerry: Yeah, this is one for Ripley.
Sugar: Do you suppose she went shopping?
Jerry: Shopping! That's it! Something tells me she's gonna come through that door in a brand new outfit!
Joe: [wipes away Sugar's tears] None of that, Sugar. No guy is worth it.
Sweet Sue: Well, that's all for tonight, folks. This is Sweet Sue reminding all you daddy-Os out there that every girl in my band is a virtuoso, and I intend to keep it that way.
Daphne: [after struggling walking in heels at the train station] Ow!
Joe - 'Josephine': What's the matter now?
Daphne: How do they walk in these things, huh? How do they keep their balance?
Joe - 'Josephine': It must be the way their weight is distributed. Now, come on!
[Sugar's bandmates crowd into Jerry's upper berth to have a party when Jerry wants to put the moves on Sugar]
Jerry: Thirteen girls in a berth is an unlucky number - 12 of you will have to get out!
Jerry: We're up the creek and you want to hock the paddle!
Joe: [to Sugar] The ship is in ship-shape shape.
[Jerry sees Joe impersonating a wealthy yachtsman to flirt with Sugar]
Sugar: [to Joe] This is my friend Daphne, she's a Vassar girl.
Daphne: I'm a what?
Sugar: Or was it Bryn Mawr?
Junior: [firmly to Jerry] I heard a very sad story about a girl that went to Bryn Mawr. She squealed on her roommate... and they found her strangled with her own brassiere!
Daphne: Yes, we've got to be very careful who we choose for a roommate.
Bouncer: [examining a golf bag] What's in here?
Spats' Henchman: My golf clubs. The putter, niblick, number three iron...
Bouncer: [pulling out a Tommy sub-machine gun] What's this?
Spats' Henchman: My mashie!
Mulligan: Alright Spats, services are over, lets go
Spats Colombo: Go where?
Mulligan: A little country club we run for retired bootleggers. I'm puttin your name up for membership
Spats Colombo: I dont join nothin'
Mulligan: Ahh... you'll like it there, I'll get the prison tailor to fit you with a pair of special spats - striped!
Spats Colombo: Big joke!
Jerry: [referring to Osgood] That dirty old man!
Joe: What happened?
Jerry: I just got pinched in the elevator!
Joe: Now you know how the other half lives.
Jerry: [looks in a mirror] Look at that! I'm not even pretty!
Joe: They don't care. Just as long as you're wearing a skirt. It's like waving a red flag in front of a bull.
Jerry: Really? Well, I'm sick of being the flag. I want to be a bull again!
[Jerry and Joe are in the elevator with Spats and his goons]
Spats' Henchman: Excuse me, ain't I had the pleasure of meetin' you two broads before?
Jerry: Oh, no. You must be thinking of two other broads.
[first lines]
Mulligan: All right, Charlie; that the joint?
Toothpick Charlie: Yes, sir.
Mulligan: Who runs it?
Toothpick Charlie: I already told you.
Mulligan: Refresh my memory.
Toothpick Charlie: Spats Columbo.
Mulligan: That's very refreshing; what's the password?
Toothpick Charlie: "I've come to Grandma's funeral." Here's your admission card.
[he gives Mulligan a mourning armband]
Mulligan: Thanks, Charlie.
Toothpick Charlie: Now if you want a ringside table, just tell 'em that you're one of the pallbearers.
Mulligan: OK, Charlie.
Daphne: [after meeting the dipsomaniac Sugar] How about the shape of that liquor cabinet?
Sugar: Don't fight it.
Sugar: It's me, Sugar!
Joe: I feel a funny sensation in my toes. Like someone is barbecuing them over a fire.
Jerry: Come on, what do you say? Let's get out of here right now. Let's blow!
Joe: Blow where?
Jerry: You promised me, Joe! You said that the minute we hit Florida, we were gonna beat it.
Joe: How can we? We're broke.
Jerry: Well, we can find another band to play in. A male band!
Joe: Look stupid, right now Spats Colombo and his chumps are looking for us in every male band in the country!
Jerry: But this is so humiliating!
Joe: So you got pinched in the elevator. So what? Would you rather be picking lead out of your navel?
Jerry: All right, but how long do you think we can keep this up?
Joe: What's the beef? We're sitting pretty. We got room and board. We get paid every week now. Just look outside. Look at the palm trees. Look at the ocean. Look at the flying fish.
Jerry: What are you giving me with the flying fish? I know now why you want to stay here. You're after Sugar!
Joe: Me after Sugar?
Jerry: I saw you two on the bus coming over here talking, giggling, borrowing each others lipstick.
Joe: We just happen to be very good friends.
Jerry: Then I'm your fairy godmother! I'm keeping my eye on you from now on!
Joe: So you got pinched in the elevator, so what? Would you rather be picking lead out of your navel?
Sugar: [on the yacht Junior's pretending he owns] Which is the port and which is the starboard?
Junior: Well that depends. That depends on whether you're coming or going. I mean, *normally*, normally, the aft is on the other side of the stern. But - And that's the bridge, so you can get from one side of the boat to the other.
Daphne: [in the berth, with the lady band members passing food around and a corkscrew's been brought] Girls, keep it down! You'll wake up the neighbours downstairs, now Josephine... WATCH THAT CORKSCREW!
Mulligan: You shave with your spats on?
Spats Colombo: I sleep with my spats on.
Spats Colombo: Oh, too bad, Charlie! You would've had three eights!
[repeated line]
Spats' Henchman: Hey, join us!
Little Bonaparte: I'm lookin' around for somebody to fill my shoes. I've been considerin' several candidates. For instance, there's a certain party from Chicago, South Side Chapter.
[angrily]
Little Bonaparte: Now, some people say he's gotten a little too big for his spats!
[calmly]
Little Bonaparte: But l say he's a man who'll go far.
[angrily]
Little Bonaparte: Some people say he's gone too far!
[calmly]
Little Bonaparte: But l say, you can't keep a good man down. Of course, he's still got a lot to learn. The big noise he made on St Valentine's Day, that wasn't very good for public relations. And lettin' them two witnesses get away. That sure was careless.
Spats Colombo: Don't worry about those two. They're as good as dead. l almost caught up with them today.
Little Bonaparte: You mean you let 'em get away twice? Some people would say that's real sloppy. But l say: to err is human, to forgive divine. And just to show you what l think of you, Spats, the boys told me you was gonna have a birthday. So we baked you a little cake.
Gangster at Convention: [Looking in golf bag and spotting machine gun] What's this?
Spats' Henchman: My mashie!
[repeated line]
Sweet Sue: Bienstock!
Joe: You don't want me, Sugar. I'm a liar and a phony. A saxophone player. One of those no-goodniks you keep running away from.
Sugar: I know, every time.
Joe: Sugar, do yourself a favor. Go back to where the millionaires are, the sweet end of the lollipop, not the Cole slaw in the face, the old socks and the squeezed-out tube of toothpaste.
Sugar: That's right. Pour it on. Talk me out of it.
[She grabs him to kiss him]
Gangster at Convention: [Looking in golf bag and spotting machine gun] What's this?
Spats' Henchman: My mashie!
