[last lines]
Jerry: Oh no you don't! Osgood, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.
Osgood: Why not?
Jerry: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural blonde.
Osgood: Doesn't matter.
Jerry: I smoke! I smoke all the time!
Osgood: I don't care.
Jerry: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player.
Osgood: I forgive you.
Jerry: [tragically] I can never have children!
Osgood: We can adopt some.
Jerry: But you don't understand, Osgood! Ohh...
[Jerry finally gives up and pulls off his wig]
Jerry: [normal voice] I'm a man!
Osgood: [shrugs] Well, nobody's perfect!
[Jerry looks on with disbelief as Osgood continues smiling with indifference. Fade out]
[at the booking office, trying to be hired]
Joe: What kind of a band is this, anyway?
Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be under twenty-five.
Jerry: We could pass for that.
Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be blonde.
Jerry: We could dye our hair.
Sig Poliakoff: And you gotta be girls.
Jerry: We could...
Joe: No, we couldn't!
Joe: [trying to get Jerry to face reality regarding his engagement to Osgood] Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy.
Jerry: I'm a boy.
Joe: That's the boy.
Jerry: [coming around] I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?
Joe: What engagement present?
Jerry: Osgood gave me a bracelet.
Joe: [takes it and inspects the stones with Beinstock's glasses] Hey, these are real diamonds!
Jerry: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?
Sugar: [on marrying well] I don't care how rich he is, as long as he has a yacht, his own private railroad car, and his own toothpaste.
Joe - 'Josephine': [grabbing Daphne by the collar] Daphne?
Daphne: Well, I never did like the name Geraldine.
Sig Poliakoff: You're the wrong shape. Goodbye!
Joe: What are you looking for - hunchbacks or something?
Sig Poliakoff: It's not the backs that worry me.
Sugar: Real diamonds! They must be worth their weight in gold!
Jerry: Will you look at that! Look how she moves! It's like Jell-O on springs. Must have some sort of built-in motor or something. I tell you, it's a whole different sex!
Mulligan: What happened here?
Little Bonaparte: [referring to Spats and his thugs] There was something in that cake that didn't agree with them.
Mulligan: My compliments to the chef. Nobody leaves this room until I get the recipe.
Little Bonaparte: You wanna make a federal case of it?
Mulligan: [grabs the speaker of Little Bonaparte's hearing aid] Yeah!
Sugar: [pouring bourbon into paper cup] Turn the lights on.
Daphne: No lights, we don't want anyone to know we're having a party.
Sugar: But I might spill some.
Daphne: So spill it! Spills, thrills, laughs, and games. This may even turn out to be a surprise party.
Sugar: What's the surprise?
Daphne: Not yet.
Sugar: When?
Daphne: Better have a drink first.
Sugar: There. That'll put hair on your chest.
Daphne: No fair guessing.
Sugar: [singing] I wanna be loved by you, just you, nobody else but you. I wanna be loved by you alo-o-one. Boop boop e doo.
Joe: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.
Jerry: Well, suppose it doesn't?
Joe: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn!
Jerry: [Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table] Joe...?
Joe: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.
Jerry: Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!
Toothpick Charlie: Look, chief, I better blow 'cause if Columbo sees me, it's gonna be "Goodbye Charlie!"
Mulligan: Goodbye, Charlie.
Sugar: Story of my life. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
Jerry: [Joe used a "Cary Grant" voice when posing as a millionaire] What are you trying to do to that poor girl, putting on a millionaire act? And, where did you get that phony accent? Nobody "talks loike thet"!
Joe: We won't breathe a word!
Spats Colombo: You won't breathe nothin' - not even air.
Spats Colombo: [to coin-flipping wise guy] Where did you pick up that cheap trick?
Little Bonaparte: [thick Italian accent] Thank you, fellow opera-lovers. It's been ten years since I elected myself president of dis organization... an' if I say so myself, you made duh right choice. Let's look at duh record: In duh lass fissel year we made a hundred an' twelve million dollars before taxes... only we didn't pay no taxes!
[Jerry sees Joe impersonating a wealthy yachtsman to flirt with Sugar]
Sugar: [to Joe] This is my friend Daphne, she's a Vassar girl.
Daphne: I'm a what?
Sugar: Or was it Bryn Mawr?
Junior: [firmly to Jerry] I heard a very sad story about a girl that went to Bryn Mawr. She squealed on her roommate... and they found her strangled with her own brazier!
Daphne: Yes, we've got to be very careful who we choose for a roommate.
Spats Colombo: [when his speakeasy is raided] What's the rap this time?
Mulligan: Embalming people with coffee - 86 proof.
Osgood: You know, I've always been *fascinated* by show business.
Daphne: Is that so?
Osgood: Yes. As a matter of fact it's cost my family quite a bit of money.
Daphne: Oh, you invest in shows?
Osgood: Showgirls. I've been married seven or eight times.
Daphne: You're not sure?
Osgood: Mama is keeping score.
Sugar: It's me, Sugar!
Daphne: [after meeting the all-girl band they'll be traveling with] How about that talent, huh? It's like falling into a tub of butter.
Joe: Watch it, Daphne!
Daphne: When I was a kid, Joe, I used to have a dream. I was locked up overnight in a pastry shop, and there was goodies all around. There was jelly rolls, and mocha eclairs, and sponge cake and Boston cream pie...
Joe: Look, Stoop...
Daphne: And cherry tart...
Joe: Stoop, listen to me! No butter, no pastry. We're on a diet!
Joe: [to Sugar] The ship is in ship-shape shape.
Sugar: [after running back to the room to tell Josephine about the millionaire, Joe's other alter ego, and finding she's not there] Well I'll be back later.
Jerry: Oh no you wait. I have a feeling she'll show up any minute.
Sugar: Believe it or not, Josephine predicted the whole thing.
Jerry: Yeah, this is one for Ripley.
Sugar: Do you suppose she went shopping?
Jerry: Shopping! That's it! Something tells me she's gonna come through that door in a brand new outfit!
Sugar: Don't fight it.
Daphne: [in the berth, with the lady band members passing food around and a corkscrew's been brought] Girls, keep it down! You'll wake up the neighbours downstairs, now Josephine... WATCH THAT CORKSCREW!
Sugar: Oh Josephine! The most wonderful thing happened!
Joe: What?
Sugar: Guess.
Joe: They repealed prohibition?
Jerry: Oh come now, you can do better than that.
Sugar: I met one of them.
Joe: One of whom?
Sugar: Shell Oil Junior. He's got millions, he's got glasses, he's got a yacht!
Joe: You don't say.
Jerry: He's not only got a yacht, he's got a bicycle!
Jerry: We're up the creek and you want to hock the paddle!
[Jerry and Joe are in the elevator with Spats and his goons]
Spats' Henchman: Excuse me, ain't I had the pleasure of meetin' you two broads before?
Jerry: Oh, no. You must be thinking of two other broads.
Joe - 'Josephine': [to Daphne] . What are you afraid of? No-one's asking you to have a baby!
Bouncer: [examining a golf bag] What's in here?
Spats' Henchman: My golf clubs. The putter, niblick, number three iron...
Bouncer: [pulling out a Tommy sub-machine gun] What's this?
Spats' Henchman: My mashie!
Osgood: [to the elevator operator] All right, driver, once around the park, slowly, and keep your eyes on the road.
Joe: [referring to Jerry] He has an empty stomach and it's gone to his head.
Spats Colombo: Hello, copper. What brings you to Miami?
Mulligan: Heard you "opera lovers" were having a convention, so I thought I'd better be around in case anybody decided to sing.
Joe: I feel a funny sensation in my toes. Like someone is barbecuing them over a fire.
Mulligan: Alright Spats, services are over, lets go
Spats Colombo: Go where?
Mulligan: A little country club we run for retired bootleggers. I'm puttin your name up for membership
Spats Colombo: I dont join nothin'
Mulligan: Ahh... you'll like it there, I'll get the prison tailor to fit you with a pair of special spats - striped!
Spats Colombo: Big joke!
Sweet Sue: Well, that's all for tonight, folks. This is Sweet Sue reminding all you daddy-Os out there that every girl in my band is a virtuoso, and I intend to keep it that way.
Joe: So you got pinched in the elevator, so what? Would you rather be picking lead out of your navel?
Mulligan: You shave with your spats on?
Spats Colombo: I sleep with my spats on.
Sugar: [on the yacht Junior's pretending he owns] Which is the port and which is the starboard?
Junior: Well that depends. That depends on whether you're coming or going. I mean, *normally*, normally, the aft is on the other side of the stern. But - And that's the bridge, so you can get from one side of the boat to the other.
[first lines]
Mulligan: All right, Charlie; that the joint?
Toothpick Charlie: Yes, sir.
Mulligan: Who runs it?
Toothpick Charlie: I already told you.
Mulligan: Refresh my memory.
Toothpick Charlie: Spats Columbo.
Mulligan: That's very refreshing; what's the password?
Toothpick Charlie: "I've come to Grandma's funeral." Here's your admission card.
[he gives Mulligan a mourning armband]
Mulligan: Thanks, Charlie.
Toothpick Charlie: Now if you want a ringside table, just tell 'em that you're one of the pallbearers.
Mulligan: OK, Charlie.
Daphne: [after meeting the dipsomaniac Sugar] How about the shape of that liquor cabinet?
Joe: [wipes away Sugar's tears] None of that, Sugar. No guy is worth it.
Jerry: [referring to Osgood] That dirty old man!
Joe: What happened?
Jerry: I just got pinched in the elevator!
Joe: Now you know how the other half lives.
Jerry: [looks in a mirror] Look at that! I'm not even pretty!
Joe: They don't care. Just as long as you're wearing a skirt. It's like waving a red flag in front of a bull.
Jerry: Really? Well, I'm sick of being the flag. I want to be a bull again!
Jerry: Come on, what do you say? Let's get out of here right now. Let's blow!
Joe: Blow where?
Jerry: You promised me, Joe! You said that the minute we hit Florida, we were gonna beat it.
Joe: How can we? We're broke.
Jerry: Well, we can find another band to play in. A male band!
Joe: Look stupid, right now Spats Colombo and his chumps are looking for us in every male band in the country!
Jerry: But this is so humiliating!
Joe: So you got pinched in the elevator. So what? Would you rather be picking lead out of your navel?
Jerry: All right, but how long do you think we can keep this up?
Joe: What's the beef? We're sitting pretty. We got room and board. We get paid every week now. Just look outside. Look at the palm trees. Look at the ocean. Look at the flying fish.
Jerry: What are you giving me with the flying fish? I know now why you want to stay here. You're after Sugar!
Joe: Me after Sugar?
Jerry: I saw you two on the bus coming over here talking, giggling, borrowing each others lipstick.
Joe: We just happen to be very good friends.
Jerry: Then I'm your fairy godmother! I'm keeping my eye on you from now on!
