- [last lines]
- Jerry: Oh no you don't! Osgood, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.
- Osgood: Why not?
- Jerry: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural blonde.
- Osgood: Doesn't matter.
- Jerry: I smoke! I smoke all the time!
- Osgood: I don't care.
- Jerry: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player.
- Osgood: I forgive you.
- Jerry: [tragically] I can never have children!
- Osgood: We can adopt some.
- Jerry: But you don't understand, Osgood! Ohh...
- [Jerry finally gives up and pulls off his wig]
- Jerry: [normal voice] I'm a man!
- Osgood: [shrugs] Well, nobody's perfect!
- [Jerry looks on with disbelief as Osgood continues smiling with indifference. Fade out]
- [at the booking office, trying to be hired]
- Joe: What kind of a band is this, anyway?
- Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be under twenty-five.
- Jerry: We could pass for that.
- Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be blonde.
- Jerry: We could dye our hair.
- Sig Poliakoff: And you gotta be girls.
- Jerry: We could...
- Joe: No, we couldn't!
- Sugar: [on marrying well] I don't care how rich he is, as long as he has a yacht, his own private railroad car, and his own toothpaste.
- Joe: [trying to get Jerry to face reality regarding his engagement to Osgood] Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy.
- Jerry: I'm a boy.
- Joe: That's the boy.
- Jerry: [coming around] I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?
- Joe: What engagement present?
- Jerry: Osgood gave me a bracelet.
- Joe: [takes it and inspects the stones with Beinstock's glasses] Hey, these are real diamonds!
- Jerry: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?
- Jerry: Will you look at that! Look how she moves! It's like Jell-O on springs. Must have some sort of built-in motor or something. I tell you, it's a whole different sex!
- Joe - 'Josephine': [grabbing Daphne by the collar] Daphne?
- Daphne: Well, I never did like the name Geraldine.
- Sugar: [pouring bourbon into paper cup] Turn the lights on.
- Daphne: No lights, we don't want anyone to know we're having a party.
- Sugar: But I might spill some.
- Daphne: So spill it! Spills, thrills, laughs, and games. This may even turn out to be a surprise party.
- Sugar: What's the surprise?
- Daphne: Not yet.
- Sugar: When?
- Daphne: Better have a drink first.
- Sugar: There. That'll put hair on your chest.
- Daphne: No fair guessing.
- Sig Poliakoff: You're the wrong shape. Goodbye!
- Joe: What are you looking for - hunchbacks or something?
- Sig Poliakoff: It's not the backs that worry me.
- Mulligan: What happened here?
- Little Bonaparte: [referring to Spats and his thugs] There was something in that cake that didn't agree with them.
- Mulligan: My compliments to the chef. Nobody leaves this room until I get the recipe.
- Little Bonaparte: You wanna make a federal case of it?
- Mulligan: [grabs the speaker of Little Bonaparte's hearing aid] Yeah!
- Sugar: [singing] I wanna be loved by you, just you, nobody else but you. I wanna be loved by you alo-o-one. Boop boop e doo.
- Toothpick Charlie: Look, chief, I better blow 'cause if Columbo sees me, it's gonna be "Goodbye Charlie!"
- Mulligan: Goodbye, Charlie.
- Osgood: You know, I've always been *fascinated* by show business.
- Daphne: Is that so?
- Osgood: Yes. As a matter of fact it's cost my family quite a bit of money.
- Daphne: Oh, you invest in shows?
- Osgood: Showgirls. I've been married seven or eight times.
- Daphne: You're not sure?
- Osgood: Mama is keeping score.
- Joe: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.
- Jerry: Well, suppose it doesn't?
- Joe: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn!
- Jerry: [Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table] Joe...?
- Joe: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.
- Jerry: Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!
- Jerry: [Joe used a "Cary Grant" voice when posing as a millionaire] What are you trying to do to that poor girl, putting on a millionaire act? And, where did you get that phony accent? Nobody "talks loike thet"!
- Little Bonaparte: [thick Italian accent] Thank you, fellow opera-lovers. It's been ten years since I elected myself president of dis organization... an' if I say so myself, you made duh right choice. Let's look at duh record: In duh lass fissel year we made a hundred an' twelve million dollars before taxes... only we didn't pay no taxes!
- Daphne: [after meeting the all-girl band they'll be traveling with] How about that talent, huh? It's like falling into a tub of butter.
- Joe: Watch it, Daphne!
- Daphne: When I was a kid, Joe, I used to have a dream. I was locked up overnight in a pastry shop, and there was goodies all around. There was jelly rolls, and mocha eclairs, and sponge cake and Boston cream pie...
- Joe: Look, Stoop...
- Daphne: And cherry tart...
- Joe: Stoop, listen to me! No butter, no pastry. We're on a diet!
- Osgood: [to the elevator operator] All right, driver, once around the park, slowly, and keep your eyes on the road.
- Spats Colombo: Hello, copper. What brings you to Miami?
- Mulligan: Heard you "opera lovers" were having a convention, so I thought I'd better be around in case anybody decided to sing.
- Spats Colombo: [when his speakeasy is raided] What's the rap this time?
- Mulligan: Embalming people with coffee - 86 proof.
- Sugar: Oh Josephine! The most wonderful thing happened!
- Joe: What?
- Sugar: Guess.
- Joe: They repealed prohibition?
- Jerry: Oh come now, you can do better than that.
- Sugar: I met one of them.
- Joe: One of whom?
- Sugar: Shell Oil Junior. He's got millions, he's got glasses, he's got a yacht!
- Joe: You don't say.
- Jerry: He's not only got a yacht, he's got a bicycle!
- Sugar: [after running back to the room to tell Josephine about the millionaire, Joe's other alter ego, and finding she's not there] Well I'll be back later.
- Jerry: Oh no you wait. I have a feeling she'll show up any minute.
- Sugar: Believe it or not, Josephine predicted the whole thing.
- Jerry: Yeah, this is one for Ripley.
- Sugar: Do you suppose she went shopping?
- Jerry: Shopping! That's it! Something tells me she's gonna come through that door in a brand new outfit!
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