- Duchess Anna of Elberfield: You're a very fortunate young lady, Miss Ellis.
- Miss Dorothy Ellis: And a very nervous one. You see, I've never met royalty before. I don't think I'll know how to act. We haven't any royalty in America.
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: Well, I don't want to tell you how to run your country, but that is a mistake. A smart, well-dressed royalty - awfully good for the tourist trade.
- Miss Dorothy Ellis: Well, we're getting along...
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: Oh, well... mmm-hmm... well, of course, if you're satisfied just to be getting along'!
- Miss Dorothy Ellis: Paris is very beautiful, isn't it?
- Alfred Bruger VII: Very.
- Miss Dorothy Ellis: Um, tell me--is it true you've never seen Paris by daylight?
- Alfred Bruger VII: [surprised] Quite true!
- Miss Dorothy Ellis: And, furthermore, is it true you haven't seen daylight for years?
- Alfred Bruger VII: [laughing] Also quite true!
- Miss Dorothy Ellis: Aren't you curious?
- Alfred Bruger VII: Well, I have memories of the sun of my childhood days. 'Tisn't much. I think Edison's doing a better job.
- Prof. Kornish: How long has he been like this?
- Duchess Anna of Elberfield: All day long.
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: Isn't there anything we can do?
- Prof. Kornish: I don't know. In my whole life I've never seen anybody so drunk.
- Duchess Anna of Elberfield: Poor Alfred. He never has any fun. It takes him three days to pass out. Three days to come to.
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: And then, it's always Sunday.
- Prof. Kornish: Sunday. Very bad timing.
- Duchess Anna of Elberfield: He doesn't eat. He doesn't talk. He doesn't go any place.
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: He doesn't go any place!
- Duchess Anna of Elberfield: He just takes a brandy bottle and goes to bed with it.
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: Says he hates to sleep alone.
- Prof. Kornish: That's bad. Very bad, in deed. A young man like that. He'll be a dipsomaniac.
- Prof. Kornish: Count, have you ever done any fox hunting?
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: Oh, what a question. Fox hunting. Glorious sport, isn't it? Why, when I was Chancellor...
- Prof. Kornish: Yes, yes. yes. But, would it be a glorious sport, if the fox pursued you?
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Sam Lee): Didn't I see you coming out of the saloon this afternoon?
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Al Shaw): Well, I had to come out sometime.
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Al Shaw): I don't feel so good. I was bitten by a dog last night.
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Sam Lee): Well, was he mad?
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Al Shaw), Alfred Bruger VII: Well he wasn't exactly pleased.
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Sam Lee): Listen, why are you losing your hair?
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Al Shaw): Worried.
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Sam Lee): Worried? What are you worrying about?
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Al Shaw), Alfred Bruger VII: Losing my hair.
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Sam Lee): Listen, you know how to avoid falling hair, don't you?
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Al Shaw): Sure, step aside.
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Sam Lee): Say old man, I'm losing my hair too. How can I save it?
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Al Shaw): In a cigar box.
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Al Shaw): I've got a splittin' headache. I'm going to see a doctor.
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Sam Lee): Here, here. Come back, here, you. Don't you know that overtime I get a headache, my wife strokes my forehead for about 20 minutes and the pain is all gone! Why don't you try it?
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Al Shaw): Say that's a pretty good idea. What time will your wife be home?
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Sam Lee): Say, by the way, have you traveled much?
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Al Shaw): Have I traveled? I've traveled all over the world.
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Sam Lee): You have? Well, tell me, while you were in Italy, did you touch France?
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Al Shaw): No, but I got two dollars from Mabel.
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Sam Lee): How do you like Turkey?
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Al Shaw), Alfred Bruger VII: With cranberries.
- Miss Dorothy Ellis, Folies Bergère Chorus Girls: [singing] For you, I do everything to be glamorous; For you, we'll never be other than amorous...
- Duchess Anna of Elberfield: What did he say?
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: He wants that girl for supper tonight.
- Duchess Anna of Elberfield: He wants that girl for supper tonight?
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: He wants that girl for supper tonight.
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Sam Lee): Young man, don't you know that every time you go into a saloon, the devil goes with ya!
- Folies Bergère Entertainer (Al Shaw): Well, if he does, he pays for his own drinks.
- Theatre Manager: [Knocks on the dressing room door] Is it all right? Yes?
- Folies Bergère Chorus Girls: No!
- Theatre Manager: No?
- Folies Bergère Chorus Girls: Yes!
- Miss Dorothy Ellis: We haven't any royalty in America.
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: Well, I don't want to tell you how to run your country; but, that is a mistake. A smart, well-dressed royalty - awfully good for the tourist trade.
- Miss Dorothy Ellis: What did the man say when he saw you in my room?
- Alfred Bruger VII: Well, he thought that my pajamas were rather tight.
- Gaston: In honor of you, we will go to the French-American restaurant.
- Miss Dorothy Ellis: Aw, that'll be dandy.
- Miss Dorothy Ellis: Later that night we went to an amusement park. Oh, we had such fun. We rode on the roller coaster twelve times!
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: The roller coaster?
- Miss Dorothy Ellis: Yes.
- Duchess Anna of Elberfield: You realize he's the last of the Brugers?
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: And would be very awkward for a fourteen hundred year old family to come to an end on a roller coaster.
- Duchess Anna of Elberfield: What did you do next?
- Miss Dorothy Ellis: We ate frankfurters.
- Duchess Anna of Elberfield, Count Humbert Evel Bruger: Frankfurters?
- Miss Dorothy Ellis: Three each.
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: Three each?
- Duchess Anna of Elberfield: That's even more dangerous than roller coasters.
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: Oh, it's wicked - wicked.
- Duchess Anna of Elberfield: When do you see him again?
- Miss Dorothy Ellis: Tomorrow afternoon. There's no matinee. So, we're going on a picnic.
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: A picnic? And eat more frankfurters?
- Alfred Bruger VII: Where's the yacht?
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: Oh, the yacht, why it's over there. It's in Deauville.
- Alfred Bruger VII: Is it ready for sail or are they scraping the bottom again?
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: Yes, your majesty.
- Alfred Bruger VII: What?
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: It's ready. Ready for sail, yes.
- Alfred Bruger VII: I don't want that bottom ever scraped again.
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: No, your majesty.
- Miss Dorothy Ellis: Do you really want me to come?
- Alfred Bruger VII: You know I do.
- Miss Dorothy Ellis: Then, I'll come!
- Count Humbert Evel Bruger: Anna and I have talked things over and we've decided you'd make a excellent ex-Queen!