The Passionate Plumber (1932)

Buster Keaton: Elmer E. Tuttle

Photos 

Quotes 

• Tony Lagorce : [meeting for a duel with Elmer]  Anything! Swords. Pistols. I don't care. I'll kill him anyway.

  McCracken : What's the difference? Swords, pi...

  Elmer : Satisfy both sides. Let him have a sword and I'll use a pistol.

• Patricia : What's your favorite game?

  Elmer : Guinea hen, broiled.

  Patricia : Shall we play Baccarat?

• Nina Estrados : And what are you in this place?

  Elmer : Who, me?

  Nina Estrados : Yes, you!

  Elmer : I'm just a jugolo.

  Nina Estrados : What?

  Elmer : I'm a fella that goes around makin' women want other men.

• Patricia : Are you hurt?

  Elmer : I won't know that until I take my clothes off.

• Patricia : You're going to write me a check for 150,000 francs.

  Elmer : Whose name do I sign?

  Patricia : Yours of course!

  Elmer : That won't work, I haven't got a sou to my name.

• Elmer : [posing as a doctor]  There's something wrong with my telescope.

• Patricia : Have you ever been in jail?

  Elmer : Once.

  Patricia : What for?

  Elmer : To see my father.

• McCracken : Got a leak in the bathroom.

  Elmer : [groaning]  Oh bathrooms, ALWAYS bathrooms, I can see them in my sleep.

• Patricia : There's something I want you to do for me today.

  Elmer : What?

  Patricia : Take Fifi for a walk.

  Elmer : Your sister?

  Patricia : Oh, no! Fifi's the dog!

• Elmer : Do you know anything about firearms?

  McCracken : Sure. I was shot three times in the Argonne.

  Elmer : Well, look, I gotta invention. Its my own invention, you see. Its a spot shot pistol. You squeeze the handle and it throws a spot out so you can see where you're shootin' at night.

  McCracken : Gee, that's miraculous. Miraculous!

  Elmer : I'm gonna demonstrate it if I can to General Bouschay and maybe the French Army will adopt it.

  McCracken : Marvelous! Say, it'll be the makin's of ya. It'll be the greatest invention since Einstein discovered them relatives.

• McCracken : Say, I got an invention?

  Elmer : What is it?

  McCracken : Puttin' zippers on bananas!

• McCracken : [to Elmer]  Listen, pal, I know how to handle the female of my species. Dominate 'em! And listen, I got a voice in things around here. I got a voice in things.

  [Albine Enters] 

  McCracken : Honey...

  Albine : Don't you honey me!

  Elmer : You lost your voice.

• McCracken : Glad to meet you boys. Glad to meet you. This is Mr. Elmer Turtle.

  Elmer : Tuttle.

• Elmer : She likes that Tony La...

  McCracken : Lagorce? Say, he's no bargain. That guy has done more chiselin' than Rodin.

  Elmer : Who's Rodin?

  McCracken : The chiseler!

• Elmer : They wouldn't let me in without a full dress suit.

  McCracken : There you are, class distinction! Why you'd think we were a couple of French peasants tillin' the soil. Don't I always stand at attention when they play "The Mayonnaise"?

• Patricia : Would you like to play with me?

  Elmer : Huh?

• Patricia : Now you listen to me, you wrecked my car and you're going to pay for it. Do you understand that?

  Elmer : Oh, I understand that, but, I don't understand how? Maybe I give you back a little at a time - say, two francs a week.

  Patricia : That would take exactly fourteen hundred and forty-three years and I don't care to wait that long.

  Elmer : Well, some weeks I can give you three francs.

• Elmer : Say, if your pipes ever freeze or you need your shower fixed, I'll do it for nothin'. Isn't there something I can do for ya?

  Patricia : Yes, there is! You look like a man who can be depended upon. If you made a promise, you'd go through with it, wouldn't you? Well, now this is what I want you to do for me. I want you to stand between me and Tony Lagorce. I want you to act as my lover.

  Elmer : Oh, I couldn't charge for that!

• Elmer : I'll help ya. But, I don't know exactly what you want me to do?

  Patricia : I'll tell you exactly what I want you to do. I want you to stand between me and Tony Lagorce. If I try to go to him, hold me back. Use force, if necessary.

  Elmer : Oh, I couldn't do that. I might hurt you.

  Patricia : Oh, but you must!

• Patricia : Now, whenever he's around I want you to hold me in your arms, hug me and kiss me.

  Elmer : Kiss you?

  Patricia : Yes!

  Elmer : Well, I'll try. When do I start?

  [knock at the door] 

  Patricia : Right now!

• Patricia : Oh, you beast! You brute! Do you know what you've done? I could choke you!

  Elmer : What's the matter? Didn't I do it good?

  Patricia : Oh! Why did you do those things?

• Tony Lagorce : So, we know the truth! At last!

  Patricia : No. No, Tony, I can explain everything, darling...

  Tony Lagorce : And You! You made a fool of me for the last time with your lies and your running away.

  Patricia : Tony, please!

  Tony Lagorce : And all the time you've been in love with this insect! This cockroach! This turtle!

  Elmer : Tuttle!

• Patricia : Are you going to hang around here the rest of your life in my pajamas?

  Elmer : Yes.

  Patricia : Oh, you little thief! Go and dress!

• Aunt Charlotte : Oh, Doctor, tell me the worst.

  Elmer : It's worse than I expected.

  Aunt Charlotte : What did you expect?

  Elmer : The worst.

• Patricia : When I look at you I don't wonder why Tony tried to get rid of you.

  Patricia , Nina Estrados : He'd belong to me if you would divorce him. If I would divorce him?

  Patricia , Nina Estrados , Elmer : Yes, if you would divorce him!

  Patricia : He told me he was married to you.

  Nina Estrados : And he told me he was married to you.

• Tony Lagorce : I'm afraid I have misjudged you, Scuttle.

  Elmer : Tuttle.

• Elmer : Say, are you married to this Nina Estrados?

  Tony Lagorce : Oh, of course not.

  Elmer : Then you don't love her?

  Tony Lagorce : Who, Nina Estrados? She's just a crazy rattle-crazed Spaniard. The kind of a woman a man finds, fondles, and forgets.

• Elmer : Gee, I wish I could handle women like you do.

  Tony Lagorce : Oh, it's an art - if you will take the word of one who has had many, without becoming tied to any.

• Elmer : Do you like fireworks?

  Tony Lagorce : Do I like what?

  Elmer : Fireworks.

  Tony Lagorce : Fireworks - yes, yes, of course, I like fireworks, very much.

  Elmer : Well, that's good; cause, we're gonna start with a human Roman candle.

  [opens the door and out walks...] 

  Tony Lagorce : Nina!

  Elmer : In the flesh.

• Tony Lagorce : [Tony is strangling Elmer]  Tell me! Tell me about the contract! Tell me!

  Elmer E. Tuttle : I can't.

  Patricia Jardine : You can and you must!

  Elmer E. Tuttle : I can't. He's got his thumb in my windpipe.

• McCracken : That guy's done more chiselin' than Rodin.

  Elmer : Who's Rodin?

  McCracken : The chiseler.

  Elmer : Oh.

• Patricia : [Startled by Elmer behind]  Eek! How'd you get out of that bathroom?

  Elmer : You'd be surprised what a little talcum powder'll do.