Being the captive audience: Worst crap ever filmed I was entrapped into watching.
Overrated garbage that wastes money and talent that could have been used better elsewhere. The kind of crud you get trapped on trans-Pacific flights with and have no choice. Completely abhorrent excess and/or narcissistic fawning at its own genius and/or you're prohibited from disliking it (its like you're drowning kittens).
[Note - some folks have pointed out that I have omitted such yawning pits of self-indulgent nothingness as _Titanic_ and _Avatar_. This is true. I have not seen those, and touch wood, I never will. This list comprises only movies I have been entrapped into seeing. Make your own list glubdammit.]
[Note - some folks have pointed out that I have omitted such yawning pits of self-indulgent nothingness as _Titanic_ and _Avatar_. This is true. I have not seen those, and touch wood, I never will. This list comprises only movies I have been entrapped into seeing. Make your own list glubdammit.]
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- DirectorRoland EmmerichStarsWill SmithBill PullmanJeff GoldblumThe aliens are coming and their goal is to invade and destroy Earth. Fighting superior technology, mankind's best weapon is the will to survive.Link to this film should be added to the definition of "jingoism" in every dictionary. Actually paying 10 bucks for a pay-per-view to see this while bored in a hotel room could have ended up costing $500 from me throwing a beer bottle at the teevee screen. Easily the dumbest, inanest, most nauseating flag waving tripe ever committed to film. This film alone is why Hollywood must be destroyed.
- DirectorAng LeeStarsChow Yun-FatMichelle YeohZiyi ZhangA young Chinese warrior steals a sword from a famed swordsman and then escapes into a world of romantic adventure with a mysterious man in the frontier of the nation.No I don't get it. No you will not guilt me into pretending I get it. Stylised chop-socky gibberish with a big budget and overpaid cinematographers and art directors. This does not stop it being gibberish. My worst in flight movie memory ever. Worse than "The Story of Us". Give me _Phantom Agents_ any time.
- DirectorRob ReinerStarsCary ElwesMandy PatinkinRobin WrightA bedridden boy's grandfather reads him the story of a farmboy-turned-pirate who encounters numerous obstacles, enemies and allies in his quest to be reunited with his true love.See 2, subtract chop-socky. I don't care if it has Andre the Giant. It is crap. It will always be crap. If you like this film, you have no redeeming features and I hate you.
- DirectorJohn LandisStarsJohn BelushiDan AykroydCab CallowayJake Blues rejoins with his brother Elwood after being released from prison, but the duo has just days to reunite their old R&B band and save the Catholic home where the two were raised, outrunning the police as they tear through Chicago.Why did I ever get talked into seeing this? I could have instead spent the rest of my life ignoring it on the $2/weekly hire video shop shelf. My life is ruined. Rocky Horror without camp or class.
- DirectorGeorge LucasStarsEwan McGregorLiam NeesonNatalie PortmanTwo Jedi escape a hostile blockade to find allies and come across a young boy who may bring balance to the Force, but the long dormant Sith resurface to claim their original glory.I sometimes wish there really was a god so I could pray to it and thank it for ensuring George Lucas took absolutely no part in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
- DirectorStanley KubrickStarsKeir DulleaGary LockwoodWilliam SylvesterAfter uncovering a mysterious artifact buried beneath the Lunar surface, a spacecraft is sent to Jupiter to find its origins: a spacecraft manned by two men and the supercomputer HAL 9000.Kubrick, you are wanker. You are not an artist, you are not an auteur. You are a *technician*. Yes your films are technical perfection. They are also mind numbingly boring. Has anyone ever wanted to see a Kubrick film more than once? Sincerely? And not to impress somebody? (Dr. Strangelove is the inexplicable exception).
- DirectorRobert ZemeckisStarsTom HanksRobin WrightGary SiniseThe history of the United States from the 1950s to the '70s unfolds from the perspective of an Alabama man with an IQ of 75, who yearns to be reunited with his childhood sweetheart.Stupidity is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it is America's new god. Celebrate the banality.
- DirectorStephen SommersStarsBrendan FraserRachel WeiszJohn HannahThe mummified body of Imhotep is shipped to a museum in London, where he once again wakes and begins his campaign of rage and terror.Luckily, saw this in a cinema and not an airplane. The first, and only, film I ever walked out on.
- DirectorJoel SchumacherStarsNicolas CageJoaquin PhoenixJames GandolfiniA private investigator is hired to discover if a "snuff film" is authentic or not.Nicolas Cage, the most overrated actor in history, for once is the least annoying aspect. This whole film reeks. So desperately trying to be controversial, yet not having the balls to push any real boundaries. Fail, fail, fail. Simply awful.
- DirectorDominic SenaStarsJohn TravoltaHugh JackmanHalle BerryA covert counter-terrorist unit called Black Cell led by Gabriel Shear wants the money to help finance their war against international terrorism, but it's all locked away. Gabriel brings in convicted hacker Stanley Jobson to help him.This is what finally snapped it for me as far as Hollywood goes. This film is little more than sensory rape. I know it's not the first, nor the last of its kind. But it's the one that snapped it for me. Watching the people leave the cinema afterwards - no conversation, dead, stunned goldfish eyes, just zombies. Why? What is the point in pure gratuitous sensory overload?
- DirectorMel GibsonStarsJim CaviezelMonica BellucciMaia MorgensternDepicts the final twelve hours in the life of Jesus of Nazareth, on the day of his crucifixion in Jerusalem.Easily the most mindless piece of exploitation cinema ever - but the gore is pretty good.
- DirectorChris ColumbusStarsRobin WilliamsSally FieldPierce BrosnanAfter a bitter divorce, an actor disguises himself as a female housekeeper to spend time with his children held in custody by his former wife.Actually, anything with Robin Williams. This is pure morphine to dull the minds of the masses, seeping cuteness and niceness and "aw shucks". If I ever have to see another Robin Williams flick, just kill me now.
- DirectorJim JarmuschStarsWinona RyderGena RowlandsLisanne FalkAn anthology of 5 different cab drivers in 5 American and European cities and their remarkable fares on the same eventful night.Post-modernism has a name, and that name is Jim Jarmusch. This is way too cool for school. Good case study for the "The Emperor's New Clothes" fairy tale. How does everyone just swallow this up, call it art and then ask for more? Sorry Jim, you're not wearing any clothes. You were Youtube before Youtube. That's where you really belong.
- DirectorNeil LaButeStarsNicolas CageEllen BurstynLeelee SobieskiA sheriff investigating the disappearance of a young girl from a small island discovers there's a larger mystery to solve among the island's secretive, neo-pagan community.This is the abomination's abomination. Urinates all over the sublime beauty/creepiness of the original. Adds nothing, castrates itself to not offend anybody, Of course it has Nic Cage. Duh.