Ashburn Waters is an Australian take on the "ultra-low budget slasher movie made by a couple of friends over a weekend" genre. Let's not start pretending that we have high expectations or have set a high bar for a movie like this; we know that at best, the acting is going to be a C+, the effects/costumes are going to be a C-, and if we are lucky, someone on the crew understands how to capture sound. Ashburn Waters is on the better side of movies of this ilk, but that's not saying its good. The acting is mostly kind of okay, but there are some really bad deliveries, but no one here does bad enough to specifically call out; everyone seems to be at least trying. The story is boilerplate and although it's only an hour and twenty minutes, it feels so long. I understand the goal was to create characters that we care about before they start getting sliced, but I really don't; every character is an obvious horror cliche and I found them all annoying. While nothing is particularly good, there is one piece that is bad enough to be noteworthy, the monster/demon. I get that there were budgetary constraints, but I'm not freaking out about a ghillie with light up eyes. They have a good enough camera that I can see things clearly and then they expect to carry a horror movie with somebody looking like a rejected Pokemon cosplay slapping people to death. No. No. No. Just paint some dude's face red and we're already better off. There are exactly two things I expect out of a slasher movie, cool kills and a creepy looking bad guy. Ashburn Waters gives us shots of dead bodies with some blood on their faces and walking seaweed. Every Friday the 13th movie was terrible, every single one, but at lest there was a scary man and we got to see a guy get his head chopped off; we got something out of the movie. I got nothing from Ashburn Waters. The only thing I can compliment it on is that the sound was very good for a movie of this budget. I didn't notice any ADR and although there were a few times where the sound level dropped dramatically enough that I had to turn the volume up just to hear the dialog (not that I could understand everything because every man in this movie has a very thick Australian accent), overall is was well done. Maybe if you really want to support Australian Cinema, check it out, but otherwise I can't say I recommend it at all.
Reviews
10 Reviews
Deeflowered
(2008 Video)
Zero sense
8 October 2020
Deeflowered barely qualifies as a movie; it's about an hour of terrible acting in a series of nonsense scenes that are only tangentially related in that they star the same characters. The "story" makes zero sense and the whole thing feels like something an edgy teenager would make trying to be offensive and cool. All of the locations look like they just found abandoned buildings. Deeflowered is just a blender full of unrelated junk with zero redeeming qualities. I think Deeflowered wants to be something like the Polonia brothers made, but it is certainly not; it's just regular bad.
Baby Blues
(2013)
It's no Child's Play
24 July 2019
All I wanted from Baby Blues is another killer doll movie, whether is be like Chuckie or even Annabelle, but it's not. Baby Blues is about a cursed doll who's power is to curse movies with awful and unnecessary CGI. Seriously, they animate a leaf falling, a guy breaking through a car window, and so many other things that would be much easier and look much better with practical effects. Wouldn't it be so much easier to drop a real leaf instead of animating a terrible looking CGI leaf? This is confusion is the main theme of the movie. Is it supposed to be a comedy? There are objectively stupid and goofy lines and scenes that seem to be attempts at humor shoved between ultra serious ones. The acting is pretty bad, although I guess Raymond Lam is okay, but every character is badly written and motivations make no sense. Characters just kind of do things. Even the characters relationships make no sense. There is a homeless man that lives across the street in a ramshackle shelter, who the male main character calls his uncle, his wife and sister in law seem to have no idea who he is and the male main character certainly doesn't act like that's his uncle. Even the audio is wrong as the dialog often doesn't match the character's mouth movements. Audibly, I can't tell it's ADR, but visually, is clearly doesn't match. The story itself is probably the worst part and everything I've mentioned so far is absolutely terrible. A young couple moves into a new house and the old tenants left behind a single box of random things (just because I guess) and the wife decides to keep a weird looking doll from the box. The trailers and even the back of the Blu-Ray make it seem like the doll is going to run around and kill people like a Good Guy Doll, but instead it kind of just psychically makes bad things happen? Nothing it does is cool or interesting. None of the movie is scary or compelling. Everything is just awful. Could it have been made with the intention of being a "good bad movie"? Sure, maybe, but it isn't; it's just a bad bad movie.
Lady Psycho Killer
(2015)
A mess. A big random mess.
6 July 2019
Lady Psycho Killer is one of the most scatter brained movies I have seen. I realize that it's trying to be both a horror and a comedy, but no one here seems to understand tone or timing. In the Child's Play movies, Chuckie is terrifying and also able to offer some comic relief. Lady Psycho Killer just randomly throws in a couple of "Oh boy, I get nervous around pretty girls" and odd sexual innuendos. I can dig the idea of a female serial killer that gets off on murder, but they do it all wrong. It's never quite certain whether Ella is supposed to be likable or relatable. She's a terrible person who is sexist and hypocritical, but I think that they think we think she's funny or compelling and she isn't. Kate Daly, who plays Ella, is okay sometimes, but whenever it's time for her narration, she does a terrible job. Her actual acting is never full believable, but it's not awful, but when she is only doing a voice over, she over act and feels almost cabaret. Dennis Andres, who plays her love interest, is actually pretty good. They don't give him much to work with, but he is the only character that I actually believe, everyone else is awful. Somehow, they managed to get Malcolm McDowell, a real actor who has been in actual movies, and give him the worst script that he can't possibly salvage. I guess the cinematography was alright and everything was clear, but the story zips around with no sense of pacing and very minimal as far as actual story beats. There are so many stupid little things they get wrong that just prove they weren't putting in 100%. They are at crowded night club and there is only one car in the parking lot? They pull up to a hotel (apparently the local hotel has the best bar) and just park in front of it, blocking the road. There is no Valet, so you can't just park your car there, that's not how it works. There is a lot of stabbing, but the amount of damage a single stab does widely varies, because I guess no one has seen a slasher film before? The main plot line is largely tangential to just watching Ella stab guys and we don't get a real conclusion, not that we had a believable beginning or anything really in the middle. Ella is in Psych 101 in college and the teacher is a punk rock guy so he tells everyone that he's not into all this attendance, grades, and work stuff so he says there is one assignment for the only grade in the class, a presentation and three thousand page report on you doing something "out of the sexual norm". Okay, fine, but what are you doing during class. Ella has readings to do for the class and he appears to be lecturing, but none is this is important to the paper and why is the class full every time we see it if all you have to do is show up one more time to do your presentation and turn in your paper? And how is killing guys for no reason doing something outside of the "sexual norm"? Yeah, she gets her jollies by stabbing men, but it's not related to a "sexual norm" and how can the university condone the assignment in general? Lady Psycho Killer is a complete mess and the best part is that is only lasts 80 minutes: the story sucks, the acting is almost universally bad, and there aren't any cool or even realistic kills. Even the editing is weird with a couple of scenes ending with a freeze frame that fades into the next scene while inappropriate pop music plays (the poorly matched soundtrack is another huge issue). I mean, they hired Ron Jeremy to act and a really rough looking Michael Madsen as a college professor. Lady Psycho Killer feels like something that a group of friends put together over Spring Break, at least partially to get a pretty girl to talk to them.
The Expendables
(2010)
Action filled nonsense, but fun nonsense at least
23 June 2019
The film is best summed up in one exchange, "How are you here?" "I just am." You have to turn your brain off and just watch the explosions and fights, otherwise you spend an hour and a half asking, "Why did the do that? Why are they helping him? What is their relationship, Is that really how that works? Why are they there?" The plot is nonsense and the violence and explosions are too underwhelming to make up for it. The acting ranges from almost good (Couture and Statham) to terrible (Stallone and Giselle Itie). It's the equivalent of a porno; you're really just watching for the action scenes and everything else is just filler. A 15 minute super-cut of the explosions and violence would be easier to watch. The only true highlight is seeing Randy Couture wear stupid hats. Unless you really like one of the main characters (not Rourke or Willis even though they are on all the posters) or explosions and couldn't care less about the story, I can't see how it's worth your time.
Bad Ben
(2016 TV Movie)
A budget Paranormal Activity
23 June 2019
Bad Ben is a standard "Found Footage" film, with the unique element of a home security system and an Iphone being the sources of the footage. While I appreciate taking a new direction, we still end up going down the same, well worn path that 90% of Found Footage films follow. Plot wise, there really isn't anything new and it's pretty predictable. IMDB estimates that this movie cost about $300 to make, and it shows. There is only one actor in the whole film and he isn't that great; nothing he says is believable (which could be the writers fault and not his) and the only emotion he convincingly portrays is anger. His character is unbelievable and his actions are confusing at best. Most of the "action" is bad CG and practical effects. This movie is Paranormal Activity with slightly better acting and one-fiftieth the budget. It's not terrible, but it isn't particularly scary, realistic (for a "ghost movie"), or entertaining. For a movie that probably cost less to make than you spent on the TV you'd watch it on, it's decent. I applaud the intent and effort, but am unimpressed with the execution.
Platoon
(1986)
Realistic war movie with unrealistic warfare
23 June 2019
Platoon is a distressing, dark, and disturbing film, but far too often it pulls its punches. Right out of the gate, Platoon sees our main character, portrayed by Charlie Sheen, starting his tour in the Vietnam War. What follows tries to be a serious, realistic vision of the war and its effects on our soldiers. For the most part, it succeeds. The story itself is the standard Vietnam story with some added dramatic elements and about half of the acting is pretty great (there are a lot of future stars here that I wasn't expecting to see). The other half of the cast ranges from below average to awful, but I'm not expecting an A+ cast in a war movie. My main issue is that even though they do express the atrocities of the Vietnam war and almost all of the characters felt real and I cared about what happened to them (whether I was invested in their survival or praying for their demise) even without contextualizing anything, Oliver Stone really dialed back the realism on the violence. Rarely do gunshots feel real, either the actual shot from the gun or the impact, and the blood effects are pretty terrible. I can understand toning it down if the level of violence was also toned down, but aside from a few events that we hear, but the camera cuts away so that we don't see, Platoon still has a lot of violence and death. No one ever acts like they were hit by a bullet, they just all of a sudden collapse and are covered in blood, there is no reaction to the impact and quite a few of the actors seem to think that a bullet wound causes generalized pain and not location specific. We see a head shot, but beyond a little skyward squirt, the only blood we see is a smear across where the bullet wound should be. I'm not asking for Quentin Tarantino or Eli Roth levels of blood and gore, but if realism is the goal, it should be applied equally, especially if your movie is essentially meant to be anti-war propaganda, you would assume that he'd want to paint a full picture. The story is generic and the effects are bad, but it has heart and there is a level of enjoyment to be had just seeing all these familiar faces showing up looking a lot younger than we're used to (I'd recommend not looking at any cast listings, because finally hitting the credits and saying "I though that was him!" is a blast). One thing that I'm not quite sure about is whether the Vietnamese and Philippine actors were just really bad actors (a good number of them are Vietnamese refugees that just happened to be living the the Philippines when they were shooting) or if it's a cultural thing. There is one woman who has a very convincing performance, but most of them are just blank mannequins that don't convey any emotion and sometimes smile when watching their neighbors die. If it was just the VC, it wouldn't even be noticeable, but when we see individual actors for any prolonged amount of time, it becomes clear that they aren't "real" actors and are just trying their best. Platoon is a solid Vietnam War movie that hits all the emotional notes it tries to, but is missing any real artistic style. Basically, I wanted something more like Full Metal Jacket; unflinching and real, but with cinematography that felt like it belongs to a director's vision.
The Lobster
(2015)
A unique and interesting yet dull film
23 June 2019
I feel like no matter how many time I watch this film, I'm never going to
"get it". I can see the commentary on modern relationships and such, but so much of it just doesn't make sense and I'm not sure it's supposed to. The less you now about The Lobster going in, the better the experience will be, so I'll keep it brief and spoiler free. The biggest things that the movie has going for it is the story, which is insane and for every question it half answers, I have three more. The movie is essentially two distinct parts and while I loved learning about how the world worked in the first half, the second half slowed down and stopped addressing my questions. There is too much that they won't explain and instead try and lead you on to another thing. Beyond the very interesting story, there really isn't much else going on. Every character talks in the same emotionless monotone, which sometimes adds to the very dry humor and other times just gets annoying. "Dry" is a good descriptor of the whole movie. The camera shots are dry and static, the dialog is dry, every character has basically the same dry personality, the score is dry classical music, everything is "dry". I liked the story and occasionally found it mildly funny, but every scene left me wanting more. By the half way point, I was disinterested with the characters and much more intrigued by the world they live in and we learn so little about it. The Lobster is one of those movies that can't possibly find financial success, because it's hard to market to a specific audience. It's listed as a comedy, but it's not really funny, especially for a standard audience. The static monotone acting from everyone got on my nerves and I assume a general audience would find it even more grating. It's a very unique story, but the way it's told puts way too much effort into being "quirky" and "wacky".
The Blackcoat's Daughter
(I) (2015)
A Beautiful Horror Movie That Just Doesn't Do Enough
22 May 2019
The Blackcoat's Daughter came out the same year as The VVitch and I feel like Blackcoat is going for the same "type" of horror. They are both roughly 90 minutes of "slow burn" atmospheric horror that are much more interested in psychological horror than cheap jump scares or gore. They are both beautifully acted and have great set and sound design. Their stories are both enjoyable on the surface level, yet offer deeper layers if you want to go there. The difference is that The VVitch doesn't feel like an hour and a half long movie. It's definitely slow and doesn't give you much to work with, but it feels like they managed to tell a full story that is completely realized and satisfying. I'm amazed that they managed to fit so much in so little time. The VVitch feels like a long movie (in a good way). The Blackcoat's Daughter felt like it was a Cliff's Notes version that rushed through it's running time. My biggest issue is that they go from creepy to crazy way too fast and I never got to really enjoy and savor how unsettling and scary the location was. We shoot from zero to sixty and then just sit on cruise control for the rest of the film. I'm one of those people who feels exhausted just hearing that a movie is over two and a half hours, but I really feel like Blackcoat needs that extra hour to build the tension and flesh out their story. I refuse to spoil anything, so I'm going to be frustratingly vague and hope that if you choose to watch this film, you'll understand what I'm referring to. When Rose goes looking for Kat, the end of that scene is what I'm craving throughout the rest of the movie. I'm not asking for it to not be a "slow burn", but I feel like it's missing events. It leaves far too much on the table. It's a creepy boarding school, nearly abandoned in the dead of winter; I'd gladly spend another hour or so being spooked by barely audible whispers or creaks and shadows in the corner of the screen. I love what I got, but I still feel hungry for much more and not in a good way; I don't to order seconds, I just want my entire steak, not just a big chunk of it. Emma Roberts is a much smaller issue. With all of the great performances, an average one like Emma's sticks out. She's not bad, but she's not great with nuance; she doesn't turn it down when she needs to. The Blackcoat's Daughter is a more sophisticated horror movie than what we usually get, but even though I loved everything it gave me, I didn't get enough.
Splatter Rampage Wrestling
(2003 Video)
The wrestling equivalent of a crappy student film
8 September 2018
Splatter Rampage Wrestling is essentially a "Best Of" the WRC Wrestling Federation. The issue is the WRC is six teenagers "wrestling" in their backyard being filmed by their dad and the two of the referees are tiny children (one who doesn't even bother to physically "count" the pin and just audibly counts to three). The guys all play different characters with names like Orange Sherbet (who wears orange, so I guess that's the whole gimmick), Philbert (who is either a guy who carries a bunny lawn ornament or the lawn ornament is named Philbert and the wrestler is just some guy), and Puppy Lover (they, thankfully didn't explain this one). They "wrestle" on trampolines and wear whatever they could find in pile of clothes that is meant for the Salvation Army (one guy wears the same white pants for two characters and has a large whole in the butt of the pants the entire time). If you are a traditional wrestling fan, this isn't for you. They do a few suplexes, but they clearly have zero training and minimal practice. If you are "Backyard Wrestling" fan, they don't hit the levels of violence and irrational risk you are expecting. There are some chair shots, trash cans, a cheese grater, etc. but the only things that really look gruesome are the terribly executed "wrestling maneuvers" with scary looking bumps (because they clearly watched ECW twice and figured that was all the training they needed) and the barbed-wire. This is a very bad wrestling video, but it has some serious value as a comedy. Some of it is intended, with purposefully bad commentary and characters, but the best parts are unintentional. This was made in some kids bedroom on whatever the 90's equivalent of I-Movie is: the video quality is bad, they consistently use dissolves to transition from scene to scene or splice together camera angles, and commentary and sound effects are clearly added in post-production (chair shots have sound effects pipped in). If you've seen early YouTube skits made by 14 year-old girls, this is essentially that mixed with Jackass. If you don't enjoy bad movies, laughing at how terrible the movie is, or watching Season 3 of NXT (with garbage like Aksana and Maxine) just to hear how little Micheal Cole cares exponentially decline, Splatter Ramage Wrestling is a zero out of ten. If you ever read a review for Wish Upon and felt the primal urge to watch it, there are way worse ways to spend 50 minutes.
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