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Noah (2014)
Noah - ah, no. Avoid - meh cubed.
Annoying, stupid and filled with unnecessary ... everything.
Noah can possibly be enjoyed by those who either love CGI with no requirement for story line, those who enjoy talking out loud criticising appalling movies, or if you are stoned out of your everloving mind.
Anthony Hopkins was enjoyable - but hardly worth enduring this dreck for. He play Methuselah who apparently was an awesome warrior and magician. (What were they thinking?) Russell Crowe speaks in the same monotonous, low voice throughout the entire film. Of course, here Noah is closer to his Gladiator character. Who knew that Noah was highly skilled in hand-to-hand combat, easily over coming all adversaries. I generally like Russell Crowe, but he's atrocious here. In his defense, no one could have been good here, except maybe Jim Carrey if he milked it for laughs. Parody idea? Lots of spurious magic. Why just light a fire when you can throw a magic glowing, unexplained piece of something? Let's chuck in some imaginary fallen angels - the Watchers, so we can have some Transformer style CGI? Ooh, let's have more CGI and show all the animals arriving at the ark. Any more opportunities for CGI? Of course, this is the primary purpose of this nonsense. Let's have explosions and trippy sequences showing the biblical creation scenes and oh, so much more. Have no fear CGI fans - no money was wasted on the plot.
So the plot sucked. The dialogue even more so. Continuity, logic, common sense, rationality are all MIA.
The other actors (even Emma Watson) - spend most of their time shrieking, crying or otherwise getting on your nerves. It is hard to actually judge the actors too harshly for their acting - it would have been impossible to keep this train on the tracks. The train wreck was apparent very early on.
Not that the biblical story of Noah can be taken literally, but to change it into a biblical, sci-fi, action fest defies any rational explanation other than someone thought it would make money.
Actually, I can only recommend this movie to those who love CGI, love laughing at unintended humour and making sarcastic comments to their friends. While being drunk and stoned to an out-of-body-experience level.
4 stars for the CGI and Anthony Hopkins brief efforts.
Upside Down (2012)
Stupid beyond words
This movie might possibly be enjoyed if the sound is off, as the visuals and CG are quite beautiful. There has been a lot of effort expended on the movies appearance. Unfortunately, it's a complete waste.
If you like cynically criticising cinematic stupidity while drinking with friends, this movie will prove very entertaining.
Otherwise, if you are capable of finding IMDb and reading reviews, then it is highly unlikely this movie will not enrage you. The endless amount of loose ends, partial explanations, annoying narration, shallow dialogue, poor acting ... just raises the question of why? Beautiful, but relentlessly stupid.
Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie (2012)
Incredibly stupid, painful & unfunny. Avoid unless masochistic.
Tim & Eric's movie has taught me a valuable lesson. There is a point where you must stop watching a movie and do something, ANYTHING else. Just turn it off and walk away.
Weak acting, stupid plot (which requires but does not invite suspension of belief), first year high school level of dialogue finished off with poor production values.
I can only conclude in this direct-to-download release that the movie industry has some Machiavellian plan to defeat piracy by posting this dreck on the internet. Repeated viewings of movies such as this will lower your IQ to point that operating a computer will not be possible.
Watch anything else, read a book, learn another language, sleep - anything but Tim and Eric's pathetic and pitiful attempt to be funny.
Death at a Funeral (2010)
Inferior in every way to the original
There are many great and funny American films. Death at a funeral (2010) is not one of them.
If you only have time for one film - watch the original British version - it's funny, tightly scripted, well-acted, fresh.
The American retread tried to copy the film, but misses by a mile. The only reason to watch this film is to see how badly they missed. Did they not care? Was it just a grind it out, punch the clock, who gives a sh*t effort.
If you do watch the film - watch the Brit version after - it's still funny and you'll be amazed how actively and egregiously stupid and cringe-worthy this version is.
For shame Hollywood.
Marie Antoinette (2006)
Dull, vapid eye-candy
While not the worst movie ever, as some on IMDb have labeled Marie Antoinette, it is not a good film in any sense.
The film has some positives: beautiful clothes and settings. There is such a series of shots of gourmet cakes that it is almost pornographic. Part of the aim of the film might have been to display the excesses of Marie. The aim MIGHT have been anything - the only certainty is that the director missed.
The movie's major flaw, is lack of a consistency - in message, goals and characters. While marketed towards teenage girls, the film meanders dreadfully. You couldn't care less what happens to the main character. She's beautiful, but that's it. Disconnected scenes, pointless drudgery.
I suppose there are worse teenage girl flicks out there, however, most modern ones are a lot more amusing and honest. This is just another Hollywood example of big budgets with no attention to script or story line.
Watch something else - anything else.
Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood (1996)
Avoid
"Menace" is not funny. It tries hard - too hard. but rarely brings a smile. There is no acting, just mugging. One of the main characters wears a stupid grimace on his face the entire movie. No doubt as the less talented Wayans brothers starred, wrote and produced the film they were entirely blind to their lack of talent.
Menace consists of a series of unfunny, one joke skits. The punchline can be seen a mile off, but you have to wait until it all unfolds. No zippy one-liners or snappy dialogue here. Just one scene after another building up to the joke. The jokes themselves are juvenile. Loc Dog (the one with the perma-grimace) talks to a beautiful woman - but then she has ... bad breath and then she picks her nose and then, wait for it (remember you must always w-a-i-t) she farts! How funny is that? Ten-year old boys may find it funny as they won't have heard the jokes as many times before. Alternatively, if you like watching movies completely drunk or stoned then you will be able to follow along and may even find it amusing. The challenge will be getting drunk enough to reduce your mental state to the level of the movie without passing out.
Merlin's Apprentice (2006)
Avoid
Tere are so many disappointments contained in Merlin's Apprentice. Unfortunately it does not fall into the "so bad it's good category". It's just bad. It's clearly filmed in North America - beautiful pine forests and waterfalls. Looks good, but hardly England. It centers on the search for the Holy Grail - which actually glows. The history background must of involved watching Indiana Jones. The dialogue, plot and acting all poor-mediocre. Would the kids enjoy it? Can't recommend it - not with all the senseless violence thrown in. There are many better options out there for entertainment - staring at your wall would be more rewarding.