rachelstuartwhite Reviews

Sharks of the Corn (2021)

It's no VelociPastor, but close.

[2/10 · 13 July 2023]

I LOVE bad movies. It's why I came to it with a name like Sharks of the Corn and sat with giggly glee at the fake shark going through the corn field in the beginning. What it's lacking though is a poke fun at itself. No humor really. They tried too hard to get the audience soon on with the immediate nudity of chunky girls and slashing with chunky ketchup blood.

The camera work is bad, as it should be, however, I think a middle schooler with a smart phone and social media filters could make it better (as we see on TikTok). For example, they bludgeon a guy, but we miss the hit and see their torso down with a ground shot. Head space isn't considered in any shot either.

I stuck with it because of curiosity of how bad could it get. Was it a waste of time? Maybe. Would I watch it again? Na. Will I talk about it after? Oh yeah!!

Gone Girl (2014)

Laci and Scott Peterson but different!

[9/10 · 3 February 2023]

So it's loosely inspired by the Laci and Scott Peterson crime, but way more insane, as if that story wasn't in it's own right. The husband and wife have a stale marriage, she wants a baby to save it, he has been cheating on her, the media slams him when she goes missing. Then the case takes some sharp turns.

Yes, it's a long movie, but stick it out because it keeps you on your toes trying to guess how the husband will fair during the investigation or how his psychotic wife is gonna pull everything off to get revenge on her cheating husband. Are there some improbable things? Sure. It's entertainment and good entertainment! Give it a go!

Black Widow Murders (2022– )

Yawn

[3/10 · 22 December 2022]

I really don't understand how these crime shows are still made and people watch them thinking they are gonna see something new. The only thing new is the case, but the format is the same. Interviews with those involved, such as family and law enforcement as a narrator explains each segue to the next interview.

If you're a true crime junkie, as most Americans are, you've already seen this before you hit play. If you've seen Snapped, which focuses on women, you've already seen this crap. And let me be clear when I say crap: it's not to discount the families or victims involved. The cases are real, the people are real, it's just the same delivery so it gets lost so that you lose sight of that and that's the tragedy here.

Willow (2022–2023)

Find something else

[1/10 · 21 December 2022]

Yaaaa don't watch this, it's a bunch of highschoolers with American accents in modern language in medieval England!!! The adults have English accents but the teenagers don't? "Now you're laying out my clothes like I'm six years old?" Um...your staff would do that, not mom and whyyyy does your mother have a proper accent for the time and place, but you sound like you're a brat on Disney? OH, because you are.

I just don't get it.

It had potential for a continuation of the original if it weren't for the teens and the accents being odd. Historical fantasy genre disaster. If you're familiar with the original movie and a super fan, you'll get excited to start it, but 6 minutes in, you'll be irritated. If you're a 15 yr old who never knew about the movie in 1988, you probably will resonate with the teenage drama.

The purpose of the accent differences between parents and teens are there probably to remind audiences that there's a generational gap, but that'll be lost upon the target audience of a new generation being introduced to the story of Willow.

I Love You... But I Lied (2015– )

Is this a joke?

[2/10 · 12 November 2022]

I thought this was going to be a true crime with realistic reenactment, but no. This is shot like soooo weird voyeuristic through glass and angles and jittery camera work from Blair witch project, then the cutaway like I'm watching The Office. Acting is so bad, the writing is bad, the story gets so lost that you forget that it's actually based on real stuff. I've never seen anything like this. I'm recommending it to my friends only so we can laugh at it together. Kinda like how my boyfriend and I never miss an episode of Days of Our Lives (started bored during the pandemic) just to watch the cheese and predict it and always say, "how is this on tv?!?!!" So ya, it's like that.

The Silent Twins (2022)

Read The Book

[6/10 · 9 November 2022]

I own/read the book The Silent Twins and is far better for true insight on this incredible story. Read it first, then read the articles, then read their works, then watch this for entertainment. That's really all this movie is. As one review said, it would have better as a documentary, or perhaps in addition to a documentary?

Before you critique this film, please read the book. If you go into this film, you may find it as just some twins taking a pact too far and passive parents allowing it, but the true story is far deeper than all that.

Also, the death of Jennifer is so mysterious and poetic it really is something to wonder whether a person can deliberately choose to die of an inflamed heart without drugs or alcohol to sacrifice herself for the freedom from this bond.

A Lover Betrayed (2017 TV Movie)

No husband would...

[3/10 · 18 October 2022]

The husband sitting there and hearing his wife slept with someone then hugging her and then calling the guy out for a liar then going home and saying I don't believe you (to wife) is true sometimes. However, not typical. Then look at all the blame on the military aspect on a younger male. He "latched onto something and that something was you"..."why don't you go take a bath with a nice glass of wine, no one will hurt you, okay?"...she does just so. This movie hurts men and women. Military men are predators and mentally unwell. Older housewives are victims to mentally ill young men. Husband's of housewife is obtuse because he must work. Let's put all the stereotypes in a movie. Ick.

Hereditary (2018)

This!!!

[9/10 · 4 October 2022]

What a unique looking little girl, well cast! This movie was exactly what I was looking for in a psychological thriller horror genre. It's not something like Saw or other gross horror movies, it's gonna stick in your mind for a while after watching. That's what makes this great! It's been a long time since I've been disturbed like that (disturbed being I'm going about my day and then disturbed while doing life and it intrudes my thoughts).

I am definitely recommending this to so many people for a mind bending (not mind mending, like another review mis-titled), movie that will be on the top of my list for years to come!

You Should Have Left (2020)

An Appraiser's Nightmare

[7/10 · 4 October 2022]

As an appraiser, I'd hate to measure this house. As a person who loves psychological thrillers, I'd enjoy this movie. I don't really understand the bad reviews, unless you were looking for a horror movie. This is a mind bender. Lots of questions unanswered like whyyyy were these people chosen to stay there from another country entirely when there are plenty of souls to keep inbthe UK? What's the point? If it's to freak people out and the townspeople know it, wouldn't the yelp reviews warn you ahead of time? Lol, kidding of course. But also, if the house was built over and over again to destroy souls, these people have already been destroyed with a bad reputation as an accused murderous spouse and a cheating young wife who does scandalous sex scenes on film. I thought they'd explore more on the main character's past and paint him out to be the one that does all the creepy stuff, but no. So why even start off with his back story?? And the adults confiding in this kid on adult topics is ridiculous.

It's worth a watch, it's not perfect, not many movies are. I like Kevin Bacon so I checked it out for him, as I do all his stuff. He was in worse, like They/Them. Want horror: watch that! It's pure crap, but this, this isn't as stinky.

Candyman (1992)

Watched it at 10 yrs old, then at 39.

[6/10 · 4 September 2022]

So my grandmother was really into horror and I had some serious night terrors that cost me a pretty penny in therapy and this was one of them. Picture it: 1992, Monmouth, Maine, when a 9 yr old pulls out a chest of drawers full of vhs at her grandmothers house in search of kids movies. All vhs aligned in alphabetical order and hand written. I see Candyman...I pop it in the player. I can't look into a mirror again. My cousins already scared me with bloody Mary. This made me afraid of medicine cabinets and bees. It's a slasher film I can handle as a B movie today, but I appreciate it so much more for it's investigating into an urban legend. These are the best types of horror movies if you ask me. Part truths come to reality. I don't remember the dog, thankfully. I'd have been puking sick at 10 years old if I saw the decapitated dog. Today, I don't like how they villanized a black man, however that's what urban legends kinda do. The boogeyman has to be someone unlike the "us" and that's what they did with the two women who were janitors who gave limited information. It's a formula: an archaic formula.

In short, I'm still grossed out, still can't say out loud even once, "candyman" and I'll think fondly of gram who allowed me to watch anything and everything a kid shouldn't be watching. RiP Barbara!

The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

Scooby-Doo

[2/10 · 9 November 2021]

It's literally Scooby-Doo characters only instead of a van, it's an RV. Insulting scientist says, "dumb blonde" without any premise, and a lot of other 1960s stereotypes if you pay attention like the hippie insulting an elderly gas station owner who was a veteran in "the war" which clearly is Vietnam yet the hippie eludes to the Civil War. It's just a gross film if you have to pay attention to the main characters. They also mention aqua man, another 60s cartoon reference (ya I know it originated in 1941 but the late 60s and 70s cartoon made it mainstream). I'd rather watch the cartoon Scooby-Doo and be blissfully unaware people actually talked and acted like this.

Hannibal (2013–2015)

If you think it's a 10 or 1, you may be right

[1/10 · 11 October 2020]

The cinematic and symphonic aspects: great. The acting: ya it's there. The plot holes and real life psycholgical field of practice and criminal justice/federal government that privatize (FBI) regulations in this show is real?! No. No. No. No. definitely not there. Then...spoiler alert: they make hannibal in love with Will, but was saving that for a second. But I wasn't mad learning it because hannibal straight up told his psychologist in season 1 he was Will's friend and wanted to be friends that's how romances start. The thing I hate: Will is on the autism spectrum and asbergers syndrome (supposed), so he has incredible empathy (on the show) but lack of reciprocity of feeling if he had this issue mentally (which is what they told us he had from day one?!) Do he's a guy who shouldn't feel, and is socially inept, on a clinical level, unstable, yet incredibly empathetic, able to woo a woman, keeps animals, helps to solve crimes, yet kisses and is in love with a cannibal. Yep, really believable writing.

Dystopia (2019– )

Scientists ruin everything

[2/10 · 7 October 2020]

I'm 4 minutes in and suits with bearded thugs go after one voice of reason. Pushing on in hopes of it getting better...Sounds familiar in 2020 during a pandemic. Horrible acting and writing. And um, 2012 is when we stop having kids but they send people back 5 years too late to fix it? Kinda defeats everything. This could have been so so so much better.

Secret Window (2004)

Watching in 2020 Like...

[5/10 · 23 September 2020]

I was hoping this was a lost gem I'd never noticed before of Depp's but it turns out in 2004 I was just dealing with the real estate market crash and didn't hear about this nonsense and now know why no one was talking about how great this movie was or it was a must see, because it's not. The storyline seems familiar: a writer writes something that comes to real life. How could anyone know?! Yawn. He's looking like a hollywood strung out celeb with blonde wefts who asks people to call his agent, oh wait, he answered the door and literally said that in the first 2 minutes. Someone hire him a better agent because this movie is cliche and predictable. This movie was basically a glorified lifetime movie. Depp must have needed quick cash for drugs or to keep something quiet (as usual) because this movie was scraping the bottom. Perfect dreck for 2020 pandemic crap movie viewing.

Heroes Reborn (2015–2016)

Don't start off with asian/japanese crap

[2/10 · 14 September 2020]

Lost interest in the first episode. You'll see why.

Clifford (1994)

Why.

[5/10 · 3 August 2020]

I get it, a man pretending to be a child is funny because like they don't ever act any other way every single day anyways? I LOVE Martin short. If you have abuse issues, your PTSD will come up. I Hate Clifford. The surrounding actors are why anyone should watch this movie. If you want to realize 80s/90s cinematography, watch this. Grappling with trauma is a thing in this. Ben Savage asked what we all do..."will that happen to me?"

My Daughter Must Live (2014 TV Movie)

Watch Maury

[3/10 · 11 May 2020]

If you want a paternity test plot twist, it's more exciting on Maury. You ARE NOT the father! Thank you for coming. But also, thank you to my live studio audiance!😂😂😂

Pandemic (2016)

I tried.

[2/10 · 21 April 2020]

I had to start and stop and start and stop watching this many many times to get through it. It took 2 months. I'm not kidding. It was like watching a real life Xbox video game and yet it's trying to be a zombie movie without any scientific explainations on what the pandemic actually is and the symptoms. It just makes dead people. So a bunch of suits run around looking for healthy people to save and there's crappy camera work following them. Blair witch project crappy. Cloverfield crappy. It's tough to sit through. If you played call of duty zombies in 2009, you've seen the movie.

A Deadly Dance (2019)

Let's address Antonio...

[3/10 · 7 March 2020]

Look, Antonio is old. I don't know him from anything and I'm 37 years old. I should know him from the 90s but fact is, he turned stripper in 2016 and washed up far before that. His political crap I'm aware of, but had no idea who he was until he cried how his career was in the tubes for supporting Trump (what a backtracking spineless guy Antonio is for using Trump for relevance). Fact is, his career was in the tubes far before that. Now he's working construction. It's not because of political views. It's because of crap like this. I'm sad he's blaming his politics and his beliefs rather than taking a good hard look at his career. Maybe going from Chippendale dancer to a guy who is in this lifetime movie with someone 12 years younger, but Antonio looks 25 years older, plus she is less experienced (and she's looking like his plump kid sister) evens the playing field. It makes sense a male stripper who supports Trump is tanking this movie. It's not him...it's everyone else....as Trump would agree. This movie is crap. But I love lifetime movies and guilty pleasures are what brings us all near and dear in the living room, else we wouldn't have Kardashians or watch the nightly news. So grab the popcorn. This movie is horrible but in a good way. Like you're looking for a movie to hate and say, "omg really?! You've got to be kidding. Ok this is it. I'm quitting lifetime movies." Only...you never do. You don't because you try to find one just as bad or top as bad as this one here.

Radio Silence (2019 TV Movie)

Yawn

[2/10 · 28 December 2019]

The soft night time radio voice in the beginning ought to have told me how boring this would be if I continued. She scolds female callers for being in relationships until one regular says, "ok you're right- I'm done" (not a true quote but basically) and blows herself away on air. They don't leak out she contributed to the suicide because, well media does cover ups (a delay editing out the gunshot) and apparently the family and investigators don't sue when a civil suit is definitely appropriate. So the radio host lives life until a year later when she's plagued with "how do you sleep" being asked of her. Also, she seriously has the nerve to ask her friend if she should not touch stuff so they can dust for prints. She lives unscathed while she provoked the unstable and made a living off it. FYI: if you have an Alexa, she will go off because Alexis is the girl that is killed and also stalking her radio therapist. All around: annoying.

Babysitter's Nightmare (2018 TV Movie)

It's a lifetime movie...not an Oscar award winner

[7/10 · 11 April 2019]

There is a formula, several infact for these movies, but if you watch these enough, you probably know that. It's so bad if you know the medical field in the very least and if you know who personal care/babysitting goes. But it's also bad just with the pizza delivery industry too... everything is bad. Honestly, that's why I watch these and so do you. It's the reason people are into sports. The psychology behind it is that there are rules and when broken we scream at the tv. This is trash bad script and acting. We yell at referees for the same reason...yet we can't help ourselves to watch the next made for tv movie or go to the pub to watch our favorite sports team. This one is so bad it's good, just like all the others you love to hate.

Madea's Family Reunion (2006)

Where to begin...

[1/10 · 16 March 2019]

Iyanla wouldn't even be able to fix these women's lives. This was the most stereotypical piece of garbage I've ever seen. It made my blood pressure rise seeing how that beautiful culture was portrayed so poorly. And beating children into submission with a belt isn't funny. Imagine if Tyler Perry were white and he put this movie out?! There would be hell to pay! Why isn't anyone stopping this guy from putting out seriously offensive material? Yes, families (no matter what color) may have some level of dysfunction or sadly more serious offenses like rape or incest, but stop Perry from pinning it on black culture for entertainment. I've totally lost respect for Maya Angelou for being a part of this movie. And that was the most tacky wedding I've ever seen. Black angels dangling from the ceiling? Really??

Diary of a Mad Black Woman (2005)

Review of a mad woman

[3/10 · 16 March 2019]

Decided to watch all of the Madea movies in order since the funeral one will be the last. This one is infuriating. Anyone else wanna slap Helen? The characters are so polarized. She's a punching bag with the patience of a saint. And ughhhh!!!!, Why did Orlando take her acceptance of the marriage proposal after she walked from him to be together again with her mean nasty husband?? This woman jumps from husband to the next. How about you take some you time, honey. She wouldn't know what to do with herself if she actually found some female companions to support her in times of trouble, rather than jumping to a man. Disgusting. I thought this would be a comedy but it was also a drama and romance, and just a mess. And of course, everyone has a happy ending. The husband gets dumped, the cousin goes to rehab and is clean now, and the waste of space girl gets a second husband and all in perfect timing.

The Case Against Adnan Syed (2019)

Shut it off

[2/10 · 14 March 2019]

I can't give a full review because I didn't make it past 18 minutes. I don't know anything about the podcast and only know about it because I had to research this documentary to be sure I wasn't wimping out with my attention span. Turns out that my span is fine, it's just the documentary that is awful. Please do the real research for this rather than watching a documentary. I'm not eating this on the background information alone, but the cinamatograpghy and that's the worst part of this documentary.

He's Out There (2018)

They aren't kidding about the annoying kids

[5/10 · 9 March 2019]

I'd have just pitched those brats at the killer and let him have them. I watched it purely to see what everyone else was complaining about. They were right! Meanwhile, the film jumped me a few times but I neeeever watch horror/thrillers unless on Lifetime. This one is a step above lifetime but definitely isn't major box office scary. Would I watch it again? Pffft, only if the kids are killed off in the first few minutes.