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Reviews
Mi chao (2018)
Not Indiana Jones
You can feel that it's a Chinese production throughout. I don't know what it is, if it's censorship or some moral code the filmmakers have to adhere to. Whatever it is, it's immediately apparent, and it's not a good thing. It feels sanitised and bland.
Maybe all the money went on the cast, it definitely didn't go on the writing.
The Howling: Reborn (2011)
Flea-bitten mongrel
A below average werewolf film, nothing noteworthy about it. The story is bland, the acting is poor, the script is worse.
It's looks like a film from 30+ years ago, like the actual film reel has deteriorated.
Not worth watching unless you're a die-hard werewolf fan, even then it's meh.
Rupture (2016)
Mind numbing
It's incredibly boring, the film equivalent of a slow puncture. It's deflating, it doesn't go anywhere and it falls flat in the end.
Nothing really happens throughout, nothing is really explained, there doesn't seem to be a story to get to grips with.
I disliked Noomi Rapace before I watched this, I've always found her annoying and off-putting. Based on that, she's perfectly cast in this drivel.
Don't be fooled by the average score, it's very misleading. A large proportion of the higher score reviews are garbled gibberish. Either these nonsense reviews are peanuts paid fakes or the majority of people that enjoyed this film are almost illiterate.
Shingeki no Kyojin (2013)
Spectacular
Anime isn't usually my cup of tea but a friend talked me into watching this.
It's a work of art. A masterpiece.
House of the Witch (2017)
Hard to watch
It got one extra star because some of the special effects aren't terrible.
It's not an enjoyable low budget horror, it's just lazy. The abandoned-decades-ago dilapidated Witch's house looks like a new build in some shots, it's bizarre. The only genuine 'horror' aspect of the film is that I wasted the time forcing myself to sit through it.
The film is predictable and boring. The characters are uninteresting, moronic and frustrating. There's no character development. There's no surprises, no tension, and no real scares. The dialogue is awful and repetitive.
The whinging and screaming was so annoying that I wanted the characters (even the actors) to be killed as soon as possible so I didn't have to listen to them anymore.
There's no good reason to watch this.
2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams (2010)
Torturous viewing
I always watch a film to the end once I have started, this one was tough going though... It's truly painful to watch.
I saw the original about a week before so I thought I'd give it a go, I wasn't expecting much but I wasn't expecting to be put through this cack.
Within 5 minutes you want every single 'good' character to die. Within 10 minutes (and that's being kind) you want the actors to die as well. Within 20 minutes you may just want to die yourself.
The acting is disgusting, not even amusingly bad, it's so bad I wanted to climb into my TV to kill them all myself. The acting is so much better in the majority of 'adult' films, as is the plot, the sound, the effects, I could go on. It wasn't just that a bad actor spoilt a scene (all scenes were spoilt by the fact that they existed in the first place), almost every line throughout is badly delivered.
The very few lines that the average moron could find amusing are rendered limp by a complete lack of 'comedy timing', even the most useless director should have known to re-shoot them with some direction.
The sound quality is the worst I have ever heard. The volume goes up and down randomly, it's just bizarre.
The racist stereotypes and 'jokes' (and I'm sorry to say that I would often laugh at some of these) fell flat without fail. After a while they really grated. Even the first film wore these out pretty early on but this one took it to a new level.
The producer (character) played by Andrea Leon is the worst actress I have seen, she shouldn't be allowed in another film. Ever. She probably shouldn't even be allowed out in public in case she spoke to someone.
A lot of the cast and crew shouldn't be allowed to work on a film again. They shouldn't even be allowed to sell cakes at a fête.
In fact, some of them should be dropped in the middle of the ocean and forgotten, along with all copies of this trash.
I hate this film.
Everyone that was any part of this film should be ashamed of themselves. Their families should be ashamed by association.
There is more to say but this film has already wasted too much of my time.
Small Town Folk (2007)
Urgh, terrible
This is truly awful film, genuinely torturous viewing. A bona fide 1 out of 10 film and that's only because '0' isn't an option. I won't describe the plot again, plenty have done that already and I don't want to think about this film more than I have to.
The comedy aspects aren't remotely funny, there is no tension, no suspense, no excitement, pants cgi, poor production values, I could go on.
It's not even so bad it's good, it's so bad it's painful.
There is nothing redeeming about this film.
I will allow the film 1 out of 10 because the film-makers,on a low budget, at least had a go at it - they failed.
I was the only person that managed to sit through it until the end - the other viewers left my lounge - it didn't even have enough about it for them to watch and ridicule how bad it was!
I am now two hours closer to the end of my life and these film-makers are responsible for that wasted time.
Possibly the worst film I have ever seen and I generally enjoy watching B-Movie junk. How anyone can give this anything other than 2/10 I can't comprehend - I can only assume that they have suffered a traumatic head injury or a lobotomy.