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Sniperkay
Reviews
Sanitarium (2001)
Deserves to be locked away in a padded cell
Sanitarium has shaken my cinematic beliefs. I once thought that Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell was the single worst film ever made. Now, i'm not so sure. What seems like quite a good idea for a plot, soon descends into needlessly complex twists, and just complete craziness. And not in a good way. Filmed in what looks like an old school, and using what looks like a £200 digi-cam, and edited on what looks like I-movie, the quality of the film leaves a lot to be desired. And that's putting it nicely. Presumably the budget didn't stretch to a microphone, as the entire thing seems to be dubbed over, making everyone's voice exactly the same volume, despite their location on screen. If this wasn't amusing enough, a lot of the blood appears to have been bizarrely animated by computer. All of this could be forgiven though, if the acting was any good.
The acting. Oh yes. i'm not sure if the cast consists of friends/family/general bystanders, but it ranks amongst the worst EVER. The acting in my friend's media coursework was far superior. The actors read in monotone, and with little change in pitch or tone, even the expression of the most simple of emotions seems beyond them. Maybe this is due to the voice-overs, but who knows. One highlight is the use of swearing, randomly placed around the script, making it 'gritty' (presumably). Max is the best, 'FFFUCK!' he pulls of with incredible emphasis, yet a monotone voice. Surely an achievement to be proud of.
The casting of the Uri Geller was totally pointless. He adds nothing, can't act, and just his being in the film immediately raises hilarious expectations. Though, much to my disappointment, he fails to bend any spoons or even natter on about how brilliant his mate Michael Jackson is.
This film is disastrous, the clunky, electric keyboard soundtrack compliments the woeful attempts at something serious. If the idea of a fat man dancing around balloons strikes you as scary, than this is for you. If you can believe someone requiring a tiny pocket torch to walk through a perfectly lit hospital corridor, than you'll like this. If you find the site of Uri Geller in a horror film neither amusing or cringingly embarrassing, then you'll get something out of this film. But I for one couldn't, so it's straight into the bin with you Sanitarium!
A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (1990)
I have seen the underworld. it is this film...
*SPOILERS!!!!!!* (but then, who'd care with this!)
I bought this title for a relative as a joke present, keeping the 50p price tag on it. Little did I realize how bad it was, and they insisted, in the most sarcastic fashion, that i should view it too. Oh dear...
The best bit of this film is the opening sequence, loosely tying it in as a sequel to another film which appears to have nothing to do with this one! It offers a couple of inept chuckles, but the fun stops there.
I cannot find a single redeeming feature in this film. There are no campy moments, there aren't even any moments of unintentional laughter, it really is that bad!
There is no excitement, the script is cringingly embarrassing (there are some truly poor attempts too add some mysticism by reading 'The Jabberwocky') And the monsters look awful. The plot is non-existent, and there are huge swathes of the film that involve nothing but people walking across bits of scrub land, with some terrible keyboard music.
This is a terrible film, don't see it. It's not funny, scary, camp, pornographic, exciting, or entertaining in any way, shape or form.