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andrew_clure
Reviews
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)
Why so many Californians in Nottinghamshire??
God this is bad. A weird combination of massive over-acting and non-acting, coupled with a cartoon of The Sheriff of Nottingham.
Could the actors not even be bothered doing an English accent (to be fair some did). Did the makeup and costume department just think "Will Scarlett, living in a forest in the mid-12th century, would have had perfectly coiffed hair, dazzling white teeth and a perfectly clean shave. Every day!" While we're on about Will Scarlet, if there's ever been a more annoying character in film then I don't recall.
It really does just have the look of a film that went from idea, to script, to a finished picture within 3 months.
Constellation (2024)
More guff from Apple
What is it with shows from Apple. They're really terrible. Maybe I'm forgetting some that were OK, but I can't think of them. They seem to just throw in brat-kids, add way too much sentimentality, and then slow down the story so much that what should be 3 episodes manages to fill 8 or 9 (invasion, I'm looking at you specifically on those last two points).
This started out looking decent. Good opening, good effects... All promising. But then the pace slowed right doooowwwwwnnnn. From totally unbelievable ("you've got 90 seconds until all life support and power is lost. Close the hatch".... "No. Wait, I need to go and get my daughter's plastic beads." ??? Really???)..
To just pointless filler (husband and kid in mini-bus/private jet/another mini-bus)... and not forgetting the stereotypical brat-kid that decides to run off in the middle of the Kazakh desert.
Maybe I've jumped the gun and this will get really good. I won't know because I've cancelled my Apple TV subscription...
Fool Me Once (2024)
Corny. Basically the same as all Harlan Coben
They've been a few Harlan Coben productions on Netflix past year or two. Never heard of him before, and must say, certainly these shows anyway, well they're a bit naff.
They all seem to be the same base story, change the character back story a bit, change the scenes.. add a few extra side-stories like missing half-brothers etc, but basically it's the same story... re-told.
This production, like the others on Netflix just follows the same formula. Set in nice parts of Manchester (Didsbury, Altrincham, Hale etc), some of the acting/casting is laughable. Like the character of Joe, he's from a mega rich family that owns a huge pharma company. Went to public school (blah blah Cliche-cliche) yet he's got a scouse accent???? How does that work?
I don't think it's any surprise that this debuts on Netflix in early Jan. I mean everyone's stuck in, skint, tired, horrible weather. So you'll watch anything. And all in all this is ok, in the same way that a McDonalds is an 'OK' lunch when there's no proper food about (but don't expect it to be nutritious and satisfying). As there's nothing else on so worth a watch , just don't be expecting True Detective or Ozark.
Bodies (2023)
A bit of a mess
An ever so slooooooooow build up to.... Well not much... What is it about British sci-fi that it always ends up like an episode of Dr Who? With matching special effects, script and acting... this is really just poor.
From the laughable view of the year 2053 and its tech (digital assistants seem to have gone back to 1996 prototypes with a robotic monotonous voice..., computers beep and blip like those 60s shows always told us they would, London looks like an episode of The Jetsons and the hair styles look like Back To the future part 2 stylists were let loose)... To the lazy link of the timelines through 60s style split screen, to the clumsy attempt to make sure we know they're meeting a BBC-style quota for diversity.
Maybe this could have been OK, but it needed to be no more than 4 episodes. After 2 episodes my wife and I kept watching, but not really paying attention.
And Just Like That... (2021)
Truly awful.
I'm not a fan necessarily of the original (my now wife used to watch it back in the day and I watched it too). I thought SATC was OK, watchable, funny in parts. Basically easy watching, quite entertaining.
But this... My God it's bad. Far too many characters, obviously because they have to fix the criticisms from SATC that it wasn't diverse enough. But to do that they've basically got a huge mess of every demographic EXCEPT genuine WORKING CLASS poor people. Everyone is either rich (very), gay/trans, or black. I like programmes to have diverse characters, but seriously having a show that is FULL of lawyers, writers, Directors, art dealers and famous comedians/actors is not diverse.
Where are the McDonalds workers? The nurses? The bus drivers? You know, the people that really make a great city tick? Instead it's just a homage to the sycophants and glamour worshipers that look down on the real people that make a city great.
On top of that the diverse characters are actually incredibly stereotypical (butch lesbians, camp gay men)..
Add in no story other than "I must get a man/woman".. "I must get a great apartment"... "I must get that new handbag".... It all turns your brain into mush.. which maybe the point I guess...
Wolf (2023)
What even is this meant to be?
Is this a black comedy, serious thriller? I can't tell because the script and acting is so awful.
The plot lines are just so over-engineered. I mean the family are held captive, handcuffed to a wooden table leg, a fridge door and an oven. But apparently this is way too secure for them to get out of. I mean come on... a table leg.
As for the 2 psycho characters, they're just cartoons.
In fact the whole programme is like a cartoon. Complete with maniacal laughing and echoed voices of flashbacks. It's so cliched I can't figure out if it's meant to be some kind of spoof or not. If it is it's just not funny. And if it's meant to be serious then it's even worse.
Do not bother. Utter trash.
So glad my £160 a year is spent on this cr**..
Old (2021)
Watchable, too many holes
Sat down to watch this as nothing else caught our eye. Overall, it's watchable but the dialogue at times, is weirdly laughable and considering the situation they're all in, they're remarkably calm.
There are holes too, big, gaping, mammoth ones. Like the decomposing bodies? If the beach 'only effects living cells', why do the bodies decompose as fast as they do?
And if so many people have been loured to this beach, why has there been no investigation? The suggestion that passports were placed back in peoples houses makes no sense. Flight records, mobile phone records, social media, credit card bills and countless other evidence would point friends, family & authorities to that hotel.
The overall explainer of it being "big bad pharma" is the laziest and clumsiest though. The idea that dozens of scientists would be happy seeing the deaths of innocent people (including children & babies) just to speed up drug development is ludicrous. Never mind that no time would be saved because the regulators wouldn't be made aware of the studies on the beach, so they're practically worthless. There would still need to be randomised, full length trials.
Maybe I'm just looking too seriously. If you completely switch off your brain, then it's fine to lazily watch when you've exhausted all the good stuff on Prime/Netflix etc. Just don't think too hard.
Andor (2022)
Oh dear
Again, this could have been great. Disney taken the cheap option with some awful acting, truly hideous set design (space ships are like an episode of Red Dwarf.. which is a great show but the sets were typical BBC '80s).
The script is bloated, 3 episodes in an other than the first 5 minutes, that was decent, I still don't know what's going on despite so many characters talking to each other. Then, out of nowhere, Stellan Skaarsgard appears and they discuss a box stolen from an imperial naval base. Eh! That would have been an INCREDIBLE first episode.
And I don't know why Disney feel the need to make so much of this Star Wars universe resemble earth either. They've even got flying Northern Rail Pacer trains now too.
Maybe it will get better. But at the moment this seems more like a soap opera than a Star Wars story.
Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022)
Ok. But incredibly villains are just laughable
Not as good as the first, like most sequels. Could have been better. Unfortunately it's just annoying and baffling mostly. Not the plot, that's simple, but baffling as to what happens in the story. The villain is simply annoying, considering he's a few hundred years old seems to be more psychotic than Hitler & Putin combined. You'd have thought he'd be a little wiser.
Like all villains he's evil. But he just seems laughable with his little flying feet and green speedos? Come on! It's just looks weird. Like Peter Pan bouncing across the screen. Add in
spwcial effects from 80s TV and it all ends up being lughable. The backdrops look like old school green screen. Really poor. As for Peter Pan jumping about the screen... come on.
And why would anyone show Pyscho Speedo Peter Pan mercy? The guy wanted to murder 8bn people, yet "it's ok we'll let you carry on and we'll live in peace... so I can feel superior.."
Around the middle of the story, the Wakandan's seem to have a pretty effective weapon in the form of a sonic gun. That killed two of them really easily, yet none of the wakandans take this super effective weapon with them when they go to war. Instead they resort to spears that they know are ineffective. Why? Makes no sense.
So, it's ok. But story just seems to make no sense and not at all logical.
Jurassic World Dominion (2022)
Awful, cheesy... don't bother
Don't think there are any good things to say about this pile of *****.
I loved the first Jurassic park, even the next two were watchable, the 'World' films started quite decent, 2nd OK, if daft. But this is just an excuse to make money. There's no story, it's just like some execs have just said "Hmmm. We could probably quite easily make a few hundred million without any effort... just throw some dinosaurs on screen, crappy special effects and don't worry about story".
The special effects at times are laughable. There's one in the opening sequence, where a dinosaur's is next to a train. Seriously looks like a Dr Who effect from 1985. Really, really bad.
So my advise is watch Jurassic Park, even the first Jurassic world, don't bother with this.
It's embarrassing.
Yellowstone (2018)
Really odd!
Blimey, what on Earth is this even about? It's certainly not ranching or Montana. Seriously, after watching S1 my wife and I just say to each other "still haven't figured out what this is about".
Everyone is so incredibly highly strung, but to an Uber extreme level. Crying because the table isn't full of people, leathering your son because he didn't answer his phone. I mean , come on! They're grown adults but they act like 6 year olds in a playground.
It's ridiculous, so many brooding, incredibly angry, violent people prepared to kick the living s*** out of their own son, brother, neighbour for the slightest minor non-issue. I don't kind shows that have violence, but surely people resort to extreme violence for extreme reasons (or they're psychopaths), so either this is just really poor writing, or they're an awful lot of psychopaths in Montana.
Ive never been to Montana, always wanted to go, seems such a beautiful place (spiritual even), but this just makes it look like it's full of lunatics that haven't evolved.
The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power (2022)
Incredibly slooooow and dull
My God this show is slow. It really does have very few redeeming features. I've given it 5 episodes (that's nearly 6 hours) and hardly ANYTHING has happened. There's been lots, and lots, and lots of slow, tedious dialogue...... and that's about it.
As for Rings of Power. Have we seen any? Have they been whispered? NOT A JOT!
Perhaps the worst thing though is that you don't really care for any of the characters. As for the lead elf character, Galadriel, she's horrible. Why would anyone agree to form an alliance with her? As a high-Elf I'd expect her to be 5 or 6000 years old (so wise, patient and generally learnt how to speak to people), but no. She's a spoilt brat!
The Harfoot side-story is really dull. Almost pointless and yet, it's the best story in the show! That's how bad the rest of the show is.
So, I'm calling it. Not wasting anymore of my life on this rubbish.
Prey (2022)
Decent, if you just let go
I enjoyed this. Take it for what it is. I mean, no Predator movie is ever likely to win an Oscar for best movie, but this is a worthy addition to the franchise. Compared to some of the dross they've put out with the Pedator name, this is up there with the better ones (I'm not saying it's better than the original).
Amber Midthunder is very good in her role, there's not much of the other characters to make too much of a judgement though.
It's not perfect, some of the CGI is a bit 'Saturday evening TV quality'. But it's no big deal. Direction is good too, and some of the wide shots of the northern great plains are stunning.
As ever, some people taking it too seriously with their reviews. Giving it a 1/10 because "it's not believable"..... just think about that for a while. It's a story, set 300 years ago, about an alien using North America as a kind of safari vacation (like those ***** that kill lions in Africa with a crossbow). So believability shouldn't really be part of the scoring matrix.
All in all, it's pretty entertaining and worth watching on a night in, with a few beers and a take out.
The Coming War on China (2016)
Was this funded by the CPC
I couldn't watch more than 20 minutes or so of this tosh. It's Chinese propaganda at its worst. Straight from the off, it paints US and allies = bad... China = good. Why are Netflix showing this cra*? No wonder people are leaving in their millions
No balance, no mention of the obscene treatment of minorities in China. No mention of their imperial aims (belt & road). But because China's imperial aims are less visible, Pilger simply ignores it.
War may be coming and USA could well be accused of imperialism... but that doesn't automatically mean that China are all sunshine & rainbows!
Simply portraying China as an innocent party to American aggression misses the point completely. Just ask the Taiwanese.
The Undeclared War (2022)
People claiming to be techies saying this is realistic are having a laugh
First off, a lot of the acting is awful. The main character just isn't believable and is just wooden. Maybe that's meant to be the point. Who knows.
Many reviews here are saying how technically believable it is (some simply because the character uses w3w).... Seriously??
The idea that a work experience under-grad would be allowed into GCHQ, on day 1, in the middle of one of the biggest cyber attacks in history AND be let loose on the actual malware (sandbox or not), without any induction, without any basic training about safe use of said sandbox. Or even basic security training... come on...
Being technically inaccurate in a drama is hardly new. Medical dramas have had it for years. I can live with it, IF the show is entertaining and has a great script. This is neither.
Eternals (2021)
Poor and terrible lighting
From the off this just seemed cheesy. Half the film I could t even see what was happening on screen because it was so dark. At first I thought it was my TV, checked other films (to make sure but no problems... I've got a top of the range Samsung 4K so not my TV).
Just seemed like and excuse to get other regions invested into the Marvel universe (but without the usual Marvel fun and excitement).
No Time to Die (2021)
Started OK, rapidly downhill
First, it's too long. It started off very promising. Darting around exotic locations, short, sharp action. All good stuff.
But then we get Malik's villain pop up, at first it seems a bit 'meh'. Then he does again, same response, and again. Each time is more forgettable than the last. His presence is merely coincidental and doesn't add anything to the film. Compared to Bardem in Skyfall, Malik's villain is pathetic. There's really no point at all in him being in the film. I don't even know why he wants to kill half the planet, or if that is actually what he wants to do. His evil plan is instantly forgettable. It's a bit Drax-like in his love for plant poison, but at least we knew Drax's motivation in Moonraker.
And I think that is the point, the villain is meant to be coincidental & forgettable. There's no reason for him being there other than as a vehicle to show Bond's love for his wife & kid. Well, great! But that's not a bond film.
As for the ending. Well again, not a Bond film.
Disappointing overall. I was expecting another Skyfall or Casino Royale. Instead it was just marginally better than Quantum.
Cruella (2021)
Enjoyable
While not perfect, it's much better than you'd probably expect. There are odd plot arcs & the stuff you expect to happen (it would make total sense for her to kill the Dalmatian's for hatred, for fur and for the necklace. Especially given what we know becomes of Cruella). But, it's Disney & clearly they were never going to go into such dark territory.
So, you have to leave some expectations behind, accept that, ultimately, it's an attempt to make Cruella an anti-hero as opposed to a villain.
It works though and it's fun. Well worth watching.
Around the World in 80 Days (2021)
Where's the fun?
I read the book in primary school over 35 years ago and all of us would anxiously wait for the next chapter. The excitement, adventure and FUN that the book has in abundance is totally missing from this, horrid, typical modern/day re/working of a classic.
It's fine to introduce more diversity into a classic tale, it's fine to tweak aspects for TV/film, but why remove the base element of FUN? Why does everything on bbc have to be a social commentary?
Fogg is portrayed as almost cowardly. Not the organised, efficient English-gent that Verne wrote. Why would the bbc coward-like 'shell' man embark on such an adventure? Of course he wouldn't, but in this day and age we can't have a white, wealthy middle-class man be anything but cowardly, neurotic and slightly helpless.
Landscapers (2021)
Oh dear!
The high scores given for this trash can only be either friends & family of the writer & director or employed reviewers. This is a mess! 3/4 of the way in to the 1st episode and I haven't got a clue what is happening.
I was so looking forward to this. The talented actors at their disposal should mean an absolute barnstormer of a show. Instead this is utter rubbish. Won't be watching any others. Waste of time.
The Morning Show (2019)
Oh dear. Season 2
No idea what happened here. S1 was decent, not amazing but pretty good. S2 on the other hand, they've completely thrown it all out. Characters have changed personality, plot has gone, the lot. Great characters like Mitch, have turned into 1dimensional jelly.
The whole woke agenda in S2 is so over-blown, it's shouted so loud, so in your face you wonder if there's going to be some amazing twist about it all. It's way over the top, most recently with the line "I'm sick of mediocre white-men". I can't figure out if the show is trying to be clever and has something up it's sleeve or if it really is just trying to be as offensive as possible. Trouble is, it's so un-subtle, so heavy handed I can't see how it can be part of a wider plot.
I just don't know where it's going with any of it. It's all a bit of a mess really.
The Morning Show (2019)
Oh dear. Season 2
No idea what happened here. S1 was decent, not amazing but pretty good. S2 on the other hand, they've completely thrown it all out. Characters have changed personality, plot has gone, the lot. Great characters like Mitch, have turned into 1dimensional jelly.
The whole woke agenda in S2 is so over-blown, it's shouted so loud, so in your face you wonder if there's going to be some amazing twist about it all. It's way over the top, most recently with the line "I'm sick of mediocre white-men". I can't figure out if the show is trying to be clever and has something up it's sleeve or if it really is just trying to be as offensive as possible. Trouble is, it's so un-subtle, so heavy handed I can't see how it can be part of a wider plot.
I just don't know where it's going with any of it. It's all a bit of a mess really.
Invasion (2021)
Slow
Yes, I'm saying it's slow and that's one of the reasons why I'm giving it 4 stars. That doesn't mean I have ADD like many fan boy reviews suggest (not very inclusive of you).
I don't expect a fast paced, action packed Aliens-esque escapade, but come on. I'm 3 hours in and we barely know anything. That's not slow, thats backwards.
The attempt to make this 'global' by throwing in a Syrian family (in the US), an Oklahoma cop, an American soldier and a London school boy (believe it or not Hollywood, other British cities do exist), is pretty lame. Ironically, only the non-English speaking story has any real interest, where I am interested in her story.
Sorry fan boys & girls, 3 hours is enough to have at least built up an affinity for the major characters, so far I'm only bothered about 1 of them. Which is probably just enough to to keep me watching... for now.
Foundation (2021)
So dissapointing
I've not read the books, but was excited for this when I saw the previews.... Oh dear... where do I begin... First of all the acting by some of the younger actors is one dimensional at best. They're not at all believable, Jared Harris is fine, Lee Pace plays the calm despot emperor well too. Unfortunately the younger, less well known, cast are just poor. To the point that it's spoiling it. I just don't believe a word they're saying.
As well as that, it just feels like it's been held back in some way. Like key decisions about direction or script have been made by committee. Which is never good, it doesn't flow well at all.
I've given it a few episodes, might give it a couple more just to see if it redeems itself. I can't see how it can though.
The Nevers (2021)
Oh dear!
What on Earth is this rubbish mishmash trying to be. The effects are from the '80's (the giant girl looks like a Children's BBC interpretation of Alice in Wonderland you can practically see the chroma key shimmer), laughable situations (the opera in the first episode) and what is the car all about?
It's just bizarre, but not in a cool way. It's like a bunch of 10 year olds just watched League of extraordinary Gentlemen, and were asked to write about super hero women in Victorian London.
Doesn't know what way it's turning. Just a mess. The whole thing is just wrong on so many levels.
Costumes are good though.