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Cheerleader Ninjas (2002)
The worst movie in existence would be an understatement...
Imagine back to when you were 11 years old. Now imagine if you were given a $200 camcorder, permission to film in your parent's garage and on their front lawn, the incredible special effects of a kaleidoscope, and a few 'actresses' taken straight off the 'Girls Gone Wild: Too Ugly to Air' video. It's feasible that the end result could be better than this horrible waste of VHS tapes and DVD discs.
Let me precede this by stating that I usually enjoy bad movies. Low budget, horribly written films often entertain me albeit if only by unintentional comedic value. That said, Cheerleader Ninjas is a movie that's not only terrible, it's also not the least bit entertaining or humorous. Not only did I not laugh once, but a good portion of the film was spent of me asking, 'What the hell is going on?' To say there were plot holes would be inferring that there was a plot, and it's obvious there isn't one.
I acknowledge that the movie wasn't meant to be taken serious, but it couldn't even pull that off right. Not one second of this 96 minute torture device was funny, and the 'writers' seemed to know it (you have to use the term 'writer' loosely here, for it insinuates that the movie was written before filmed). To get a minimal amount of the audience to sit through it, they wrote in pointless fantasy scenes in which a random girl takes her top off for whatever reason. Not to mention Kangaroo Jack has been beaten for the number of fart jokes within a movie, for Cheerleader Ninjas has one in *EVERY SINGLE SCENE*.
In conclusion, do not see this movie. Yes it's a bad movie, yes it's a horrific atrocity of a movie, but not the good way. Most bad movies are so bad they in fact become entertaining, but this one failed even in that way. Instead it relies on fart jokes, boobs, and an inane storyline about the internet or something. The hour and a half spent watching Cheerleader Ninjas could better be spent in a number of more enjoyable ways: sleeping, staring into the sun, playing Russian roulette, etc
Do. Not. See. This. Movie.
Kangaroo Jack (2003)
I'm pretty decent at snake...
This is what I learned during having to sit through the hour and some odd minutes torture that is Kangaroo Jack. I had to start playing "snake" on my cell phone to keep from scratching my eyeballs out their sockets while watching this predictable, horrible train wreck. I have to wonder how not only did this movie get made and released, but how it is now the top movie at the box offices. The movie seemed to be a decent family movie until they decided to get racy and up it to a PG rating by showing Estella Warren bathing in the river (with a very nice white T-shirt I might add). So it's not a kid's movie, and definitely not an adult movie... What the hell is it?!
This my friends, is what is wrong with America, or just the movie industry in general today. When a movie as excruciating as Kangaroo Jack is tops at the box office, perhaps only due to having a popular director's name behind it, something is seriously wrong. Of course I went into the movie knowing it would be horrible, but never did I believe I was about to witness the worst atrocity to hit theaters since... Well I honestly cannot remember seeing anything worse. I pray you people, do not pay your hard-earned money to sit through an hour and a half of a corny, scatterbrained plot that was apparently dreamed under the influence of morphine, scribbled onto a IHOP napkin, and handed to Jerry Bruckheimer to slap his name on it to make a few million dollars. If only IMDb had a negative rating system, I'd much rather use that.