Change Your Image
Geshreeyeh
Reviews
Strange Factories (2013)
Pretentious, nonsensical garbage
I'm enthralled by the element of surprise so decided not to research any further information when offered a ticket to this "interactive film and theatre event" (the screening I attended was sandwiched between two brief participatory theatre performances). The experience was more superficial and drawn out than that previous sentence. Arriving in darkness, we were welcomed outside the venue by masked members of the cast. After waiting a few minutes for other audience members to arrive, we were each requested to hand over a possession which would be returned after the event (travel cards, conkers, buttons, pieces of string, etc.). As my friend later pointed out, this was little more than a thinly veiled attempt to prevent audience members from walking out part-way through the torturous monotony that lay ahead. The small crowd of giggling couples was split into two and I was lead through a gate to a courtyard. There, I witnessed some irrelevant balcony dancing and some brief but pointless interaction between two cast members. Soon after, we entered the venue and some of us were offered shots of what resembled (and I imagined tasted like) wallpaper paste. After a bit more hanging around/time wasting we were shown to our seats for a film screening. I was expecting this to last no more than thirty minutes... at a rough guess it lasted almost two hours. From the start, it had "hammy, poorly made student film" stamped all over it. To explain the 'plot' would be a waste of time (but it wasn't confusing as the director had probably hoped it to be) - check the official website for more information. There's dream-like sequences, badly performed sex scenes, pointless nudity and unexplained/irrelevant dialogue. It's a completely unqualified disaster. It progresses slowly (to nowhere) and there's no character development whatsoever. All but one of the female roles are indecipherable from each other... and it's shot digitally (in black and white, of course). This last point would make no difference to me, except the cinematography (if you can call it that) and grading/enhancement of the picture (if there was any) took absolutely no advantage of shooting the film this way. Nothing interesting happens (there's a few shock value pot shots - they all miss) and as an audience member I didn't care about any of the characters, or how the film would end... I just prayed that it would have ended sooner than it did.
I found it sad in many ways - not the film itself, but the comprehension that this project was allowed to get off the ground in the first place. Out of all the cast and crew, why didn't anyone have the balls to confront the director/producer/lead actor (yep, it's one person) and just say "Look, this idea is really poor. I've read the script and your vision is clouded in pointless pretension. It's not dark enough, clever enough, exciting enough and there's no depth to it."? I assume to most involved it must have been a case of the Emperor's New Clothes syndrome. There is literally nothing good about this film. Even much of the acting is sub-standard; particularly that of the director's sister/wife/cousin (not sure which one) - grinning at inappropriate moments. I believe if you have the resources to make a feature film, you make the best film you can. Did the director walk away from the final edit with a sense of contentment? Surely not. Keeping the audience satisfied is essential. Justify all of your decisions - if not to the audience then to yourself. For example, why was there dancing at the end of the film? Why utilise elements of the theatre when they bring nothing (but prolonged disappointment) to the experience?
I love film and I love theatre, but to categorise this 'experience' as either (or both) would be an insult to these art forms. Ignore the IMDb ratings - these are clearly the work of the cast and crew (or their friends) - as will be the probable rebuttal to this review. This is a bad film with bad theatre either side - it's a cultural turd sandwich. It's also a hugely wasted opportunity. That said, the violin tune played by that barmaid from The Glasshouse Stores was great. So, every cloud...
Teen Wolf (1985)
Watchable? Yes. Embarrassing? Definitely.
OK, so I'm an 80s kid and I grew up on stuff like this - I've seen a lot worse, and I've seen a lot better. Watching this over 20 years after it was made is just plain embarrassing. The style, the dialogue, the humour. I know it's not based on a true story (well, as far as I know), but surely at least one person would show a little fear if a player on their basketball team turned into a werewolf mid-game. No scientific interest, no government interest - I suppose they were taking a different angle. Anyway, enough of my boring yapping - watch it, it's only 90 minutes long and if you can survive the embarrassment of the Teenwoolf dance, you can survive anything (except Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid)!
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (2003)
You have a mind of your own...
... so use it! Life is far too short to spend even 30 seconds watching this trash. Who are these idiots to tell me what I should eat, wear and do with my house?! I couldn't give a rat's arse if my t-shirt has a hole in it, or if I mix white wine with red. This poor excuse for a T.V. show really questions just how impressionable the general public are... Who's to say THEY'RE not wrong?! Who's to say that instead of telling people what shoes to put on they should be telling each other what voices NOT to put on. Shallow fools with a pathetic outlook on life. Are ratings all that matter? Axe this garbage - NOW!
Love Actually (2003)
Raises some serious issues...
... about how much cr*p the film-going public will take. Ask any Londoner about how marvelously this film reflects life in the English capital in the run up to Christmas. I think the answer would be pretty synonymous - it doesn't, not remotely. Richard Curtis has once again delivered a sugar-coated tapestry of fairy-tale lives, as perceived through his blinkered view of London. I love London, but I could hardly declare it a city of love. It is cold, unfriendly and often depressing. Not only that, but for most of its inhabitants Christmas is probably one of the most stressful times of the year. I understand that movies often twist reality to provide enjoyable escapism, but 'loveactually' pushes the boat more than a little too far. Rather than humourously deal with the negative elements of the city, he ignores them completely. Instead, as usual, he focuses on his merry band of rich, happy, middle-class toffs. And selecting some of the actors most associated with 'classical' dramas? Well, it does little to suggest that this is a genuine slice of 'Landan' life. The film itself? Well, the above elements can't help but hinder the enjoyment of anyone below the middle classes. That aside, it's the same characters, the same jokes and the same leading man. Gift wrap it with 'Four Weddings' and 'Notting Hill' and you could sell them as a trilogy. Let's hope this is the last installment in the series. I giggled a few times and I was mildly entertained, but essentially this type of nonsense has to come to an end. Recommended viewing for fans of the afore mentioned two films.
The Club (2003)
Watch this? I´d rather cut my p***s off with a rusty blade.
If you´d like to watch three ex-nobodys pretend to run a bar in London, you should still think carefully about watching "The Club". Reality TV hit an all time low when this heap of sh*t was sprayed across out screens. Richard Blackwood (who? exactly!), Dean Gaffney (yep, you´ve never heard of him either) and Samantha Fox (she poses topless and occasionally tries to sing) stand around in a busy club dictating rules to a gang of inept bar staff. These desperate-for-fame youths try anything and everything in a cringeworthy bid to get their five minutes of fame. This proves especially hard when their bosses behave twice a desperately as they do. No plot, no appeal and no point. I suggest you avoid this like the plague, but having said that the odds of it returning to our screens are... well, Richard Blackwood has a better of chance developing a talent. Absolute garbage!
Elf (2003)
...what's you're favourite colour?
It filled me with childlike joy. Perhaps my state of mind was slightly twisted at the time, but I REALLY enjoyed this movie. Having seen 'A Night At The Roxbury' a countless amount of times I was initially a bit disappointed at the the similarity between both of Will's characters. After five minutes I didn't care as I was too busy laughing. It's silly, childish, sweet and above all - funny. The naivety of the central character is perfectly balanced to provide children with plenty to relate to and adults with plenty to laugh about. Despite being 25 I found myself in the former category! As with the majority of Christmas films, it's delivered with a thick coating of candy, but that's what a lot of kids need. Believe in the magic of Christmas, if only for 95 minutes. If you can't do that, just laugh at the brilliant performance delivered by Will Ferrell. Certainly worth watching.