Change Your Image
poohbearski
Reviews
Night Vision (1997)
Darkness makes for better 'Night Vision'
What is night vision? Well according to the star (Williamson) let's see...one package store owner says to him 'it's getting dark outside' to which he replies 'it makes for better.........'night vision.' What in the hell does that mean? In fact what in the hell is this movie trying to say? It has plot holes that you could drive the killer's van through. Not to mention a cop on duty drinking, Robert Forster sleepwalking through this bizarre attempt at cashing in on the serial killer craze, and a killer who videos his murders. That's actually all I remember.
The film took place in Texas, had a few car chases, and a clichéd ending. Perhaps if one watches this film with their eyes closed - it might be good? After all, without being able to see it....it would make for better.....night vision. Did that make sense? Nope. And neither does this film.
Black Christmas (2006)
J.u.n.k.
The original is one of the best early slashers. This version is not only one of the worst remakes but one of the worst films ever made. This film makes 'The Hottie and the Nottie' and 'Jaws:The Revenge' look like Oscar winners.
This film is a piece of garbage. Not scary - not funny - not original - this film has nothing.
To create 'Billy's' backstory and make it so mindless - what were they thinking? They trashed a classic and I was ripped off. This movie is so bad. I cannot even say anymore. Junk.
Go seek out the original, now there's a good film.
The Amityville Horror (2005)
One of the WORST films ever made
Not only one of the worst remakes but one of the worst FILMS ever - hands down. Why you ask?
First off, the screenwriter said he would be more faithful to the novel than the first one. Guess he didn't say WHICH novel. Cuz it sure as hell wasn't The Amityville Horror by Jay Anson.
The film was mindless, unscary dreck. Garbage. That's what it was.
Let's look at the crap that was 'added':
To change the ending and have them escape by boat? Changing Jody from a PIG to a little girl? to change the young babysitter to a lecherous perverted teen? to having George kill the family dog? to having George build coffins? to have the house haunted by some guy who made coffins?
These are only some of the plot points that the screenwriter got from the book. But what book? Like I said, it wasn't Amityville.
The film just plods along, does nothing, and has the characters act like jackasses. This film is soooooooooooooo bad. I was soooooooo angry after seeing it that I wanted my $$$ back.
Anyone who liked this film - please go back and watch the original or better yet - read the novel. Far superior to this piece of s*%$.
The Hills (2006)
The dumbing down of America
So, all of America actually buys this dreck. They think that this is reality. Is it? I've lived in LA and it is NOT.
But when this schlock is made and fed to American teenagers - they believe this.
I cannot fathom how people find this entertaining. It is offensive in the sense that it numbs the brain - I saw 2 mins of this and yes, there are people this shallow, this dumb.
After I saw this I felt compelled to warn America's youth that there is more to watch on TV. Better yet, go outside, kick a ball, play a sport, do something, just stop watching MTV.
The Bad Guy Speaks (2005)
Disrespectful, distasteful, UGH!
Disturbing. Disrepectful. Degrading. And very disgusting towards women. What the hell is this? A how to attack women film? Do you really need to give all those idiots who surf the net looking for porn a how-to with regards to stalking women? I stumbled across this and just felt outrage - outrage that one would make and promote this piece of trash and use it to their advantage.
JUNK.
Thanks for helping our next generation of rapists.
I am not going to comment on the acting, lighting, direction, or anything of the sort. I felt violated by this material and couldn't believe someone actually made this. Try making porn.
Stripteaser II (1997)
Awful and that's being nice....
STRIPTEASER II, what an awful, awful film. Now, I like women, especially nude ones, but this film is not a film. It's naked women stripping with a 'plot' if you call it that - used sparingly.
The story is about a guy looking for his sister on the mean streets of LA. His sister is probably a stripper and she must be found! Why must she be found - that's unsure.
So, let me tell you the ending right now - you see, in the top floor of the strip club is a special room for people willing to pay a lot. When we see it, it is nothing more than some bizarre S&M chamber where people like police chiefs, mayors, and the elite get to torture and have their way with a stripper of their choice. That said, in between 10 mins of stripping we get 1 minute of the lead seeking his sister. He makes friends with a townie who pretty much lives at the club. This 'friend' says he cannot help him but in the end we find out that he knew all along that the guy's sister was killed by one of the elite.
If that guys a friend, who needs enemies? Now I understand if the guy tells him that, you have no movie. But guess what? There's no movie anyway...
Avalanche Express (1979)
Joe Namath is AMAZING as Leroy!!
Where do you start? With Robert Shaw's dubbed voice? The clear as day models used instead of real trains? Joe Namath acting as 'Leroy' as if he's important to the film? or the plot? This film is atrocious in so many ways - maybe it's because the film was cursed? Robson and Shaw both died during the making of this film.
Watch the opening credits - and see a MODEL train, fake snow, models of mountains - oh, it's so bad it makes Ed Wood's films look good! Lee Marvin looks confused, Linda Evans acts like she's passing gas most of the time, and Joe Namath - well, he acts like Joe Namath, not the 'Leroy' he should be playing.
The film's plot just plods along and is inane and boring. The strange 'plot twists' aren't that - they are just ho-hum clichés of espionage thrillers.
What a film, a bad film, a piece of garbage. Why doesn't Warner Bros break out a widescreen 2 disc special edition of this turkey? just to make a profit? I'm sure some Linda Evans fans would buy it.
And oh yeah, the guy who played Reinhardt in 'The Black Hole' is in this as well.
Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
What in the ????
JAWS: THE REVENGE - what can be said? How about all of it's flaws:
--The shark that roars. --Michael Caine goes into the water and gets out....with a dry shirt!?!? --The cheap throwaway dialogue. --A traveling shark. --The bizarre dreams-? nightmares-? dreams within dreams? --No John Williams score... --No mention of Sea World or it's JAWS 3-D relations... --The fakest looking shark of the bunch. --The 2 endings -?
This film is a bonafide mess....AND a true laugh riot. If you are ever in a BAD BAD mood - watch this film - you will laugh your ass off. This film makes you in a great mood and you could make a drinking game out of this one as well. When someone says something that is considered nonsense - DRINK. You'll be drunk within 20 mins!
And let me finish by asking - why does the shark stay up above the water so long at the ending? That's not even scientifically possible. But then again is nothing featured in this UNIVERSAL STUDIOS release.
You read that right - they funded this, approved the script, and released it - were they drunk?