WalterKafka Reviews

The Love Boat: Who Killed Maxwell Thorn? (1987) Season 10, Episode 4

Who Killed The Love Boat?

[16 June 2024]

Well, this is it. We've come to the end. February 27th, 1987. This is the final cruise. What we have here is a murder mystery. Ace plays Agatha Christie, making a fool of himself in the process. It's fine, although we're a long way from the romantic center at the heart of the show. I'm okay with it. Giving finality here, we have a whole bunch of cameos, mostly from people who previously appeared on the show. It's cute. In a separate plot, Sarah reunites with Alan. Her mother tries to keep them apart, reminding her of what Alan did five years before. Also, Alan Thicke is after Connie Stevens. (Who wouldn't be?) Say, what's any of this got to do with Peter Graves? On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this one gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.

Now I have to find something else to watch.

The Love Boat: The Christmas Cruise: Part 1 (1986) Season 10, Episode 2

Last Christmas

[16 June 2024]

We're in serious mode, with no laugh track. It's a Christmas episode. Remember when Mickey Rooney was an angel? Remember when Captain Stubing took pity on a group of wretched orphans? We're a long way from those days. John Byner is a depressed Santa, and all he wants to do is throw himself over the side of the ship. Well, we can't have that. Duvall and her daughter a pair of grifters. The mother takes Isaac for a small fortune. Unfortunately, the daughter falls for Peter Scolari. What happens when he finds out the truth? Meanwhile, Carla has reunited with old flame David. He's dying, so he feels like he can't fall in love with her. A chat with our suicidal Santa may change his mind. Emily is all about the traditions of the crew. She may be overdoing it. You know I prefer the sillier stuff. On Kafka's Love boat Scale, this one gets 2 * out of a possible 4*.

The Love Boat: The Shipshape Cruise (1986) Season 10, Episode 1

Julie. Wait. Julie?

[16 June 2024]

Julie's back! Gopher's gone! Judy's gone! The Mermaids have gone off to the deep parts of the Ocean. Doc is getting married. His new wife is much younger. It turns out that one of his ex-wives is on the cruise. Guess what? She's married a much younger man. How do you think this one's gonna shake out? Meanwhile, a big ol' fat gal is using a fit woman as the front for her fitness theories. Naturally, Isaac falls for the fit gal. In the end, somehow, against all reason, totally impossibly, he falls for the fattie. I don't believe it. Oh yeah, and Emily and Julie have to keep this secret identity hidden from Captain Stubing. Dack Rambo is having a hard time with women. Imagine that. Specifically, he's been with Cathy Lee Crosby for three years. When they split, she goes off with Ace. I think she'll better luck with him. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this one gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: Happily Ever After/Have I Got a Job for You/Mr. Smith Goes to Minikulu (1986) Season 9, Episode 25

Bye Bye (Not Exactly)

[16 June 2024]

The only constant is change. (What the heck does that mean?) There are two things I never ever talk about: love and romance. Well, here we are at last. May 24, 1986. This is the last regular episode. We still have some double-length "movies" to follow. Captain Stubing is marrying Emily. Wedding plans are still in progress. Captain Stubing is in danger of losing it. Gopher receives a tape from Slade Collins, hotel developer. He wants Gopher to be his manager. The Captain and Stubing have a serious talk, but the Captain has his wires crossed. Breathe into the paper bag, Captain. Gopher wants Isaac to go with him, but what if Isaac won't go? Ask Ethel Merman what to do. Robert Redford will not be coming on board the Love Boat. Bye Bye, Mermaids. Bye Bye, Gopher. But this is not the end! On Kafka's Love Boat scale, this one gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: My Stepmother, Myself/Almost Roommates/Cornerback Sneak (1986) Season 9, Episode 24

Your Karate Instructor

[16 June 2024]

'You'll be rooming with Chang, the karate instructor.' Emily is back. She's getting serious with Captain Stubing. Unfortunately, she's not making much of an impression on Vicki. In fact, Vicki is rather jealous of all the time her dad is spending with Emily. (It doesn't help that Emily buys Vicki a sweater that gives her a rash.) Vicki even leaves a latter, saying that she's jumping ship. (Where was Emily in Season 3? I kid.) Vicki sings a touching song for her dad. Must be dusty in here. Meanwhile, Spencer is back. He's brought Vanessa Williams. (This time she's not playing Vanessa Williams.) Spencer is going to do his best to impress Vanessa. Meanwhile, Gopher is hounding him to get serious about his work. This is serious Gopher, and I hate it. Vanessa does deign to wear a swimsuit. Gee thanks, Vanessa. An aging football player is trying to romance a woman who's going to be making the final cut for the team. I don't know anything about football, except that mostly you use your hands. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this one gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: Spain Cruise: The Matadors/Mrs. Jameson Comes Out/Love's Labors Found/Marry Me, Marry Me: Part 2 (1986) Season 9, Episode 23

I Love Bullfighting (Part 2)

[16 June 2024]

I love bullfighting! Kill all the bulls! It turns out that Olivia Brown is, um, with child. That complicates things. Maybe Isaac will give the kid a legitimate name. See, Lorenzo has been at Harvard, and now he wants to write poetry and lounge at the beach with ladies in bikinis. Bull fighting is no life for such a man! Of course, The Joker is having none of these excuses. Pack your bags for Gotham City. Our playboy is romancing Judy and Vicki at the same time. Wacky! Dana is not having anything to do with her murdering mother. Captain Stubing tries to convince her that the guy had it coming. One thing you get a lot on these double-length travel episodes is the staging of scenes in front of impressive scenic vistas, usually up high on mountains. You know I've never traveled internationally, but I've seen it most of it anyway on The Love Boat. Good enough. On Kafka's Love Boat scale, this one gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: Spain Cruise: The Matadors/Mrs. Jameson Comes Out/Love's Labors Found/Marry Me, Marry Me: Part 1 (1986) Season 9, Episode 22

One Last Trip (Part 1)

[16 June 2024]

'There's certainly no one by that name in my cabin.' We're starting in Italy, on our way to Spain. We'll be sailing on the Vista Fjord. Caesar Romero is a famous bull fighter. Of course, Mary Crosby isn't fond of the sport. Boo hoo. She's going to interview him anyway. Lorenzo Lamas thinks she should respect tradition. Adrian Zmed is a ladies man, introduced as he's getting thrown out of a hotel. He tries his luck with Judy. When that doesn't work, he moves in on poor innocent virginal Vicki. It should be a crime. Dana is here with her fiance. She's not sure about him. This Dana is an old friend of Captain Stubing. (The Captain has a lot of friends.) An old woman is Dana's mother. Can they have a happy reunion? Olivia Brown is broke, but Isaac will let her entertain him free of charge. What will he do when she decides to stow away? As always, lots of time is spent on the sights. See you in part two, you heathens.

The Love Boat: The Will/Deja Vu/The Prediction (1986) Season 9, Episode 21

Adios, Hooterville

[10 June 2024]

'Let's just say, I'm not prescribing any time release cold pills.' Eva Gabor is having visions of the end of the world. This is gonna totally wreck property prices in Hooterville. There's still time to turn Arnold the Pig into breakfast bacon. Gopher totally believes her prophecy. John Wayne Jr. Here is planning to get married in Mexico. Then he meets Nancy. There's a twist! The Mermaids are playing shuffleboard (I'll take it.) Garrett Brown runs into Roxie Roxer. Hubby Roland is dead, and Garrett is moving in. He was on Saturday Night Live. Her son is Lenny Kravitz, you know. Vicki wants a car. Will Vicki get a car? You'll have to tune in to find out! Once again, Judy has almost nothing to do. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this one gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: Gothic Romance/Whatever Happened to Crazy Joe Flash?/We'll Meet Again (1986) Season 9, Episode 20

Donna, Morgan, and Ted

[10 June 2024]

'Oh! Who are you? Prince?" Ted Lange directs again. Careful, Ted, you might have a career there. An older couple - divorced and remarried to other people - are here to get back together. Unfortunately, they can't stop thinking about their other obligations. "Crazy" Joe Flash is here. Once again, Captain Stubing shows that he is humorously out of touch. Isaac says he used to play in a band in the 1960s. This is the first I'm hearing about it. Donna Pescow is a big fan of "Crazy" Joe. Joe decides to dress like a square and determine whether she's still interested in him. Morgan Brittany is another famous writer. (We get a lot of famous writers on this show.) She's got eyes for Ace. This leads to a silly fantasy scene. I thought we were done with silly fantasy scenes by this point. I do like Vicki in that bodice heaving gown. The Mermaids, dressed in red, do a number. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this one gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: Second Banana/The Prodigy/What Goes Around Comes Around (1986) Season 9, Episode 19

I like Bananas

[10 June 2024]

'Look at the prime rib. That looks great.' Vicki wants to be a psychologist. Fortunately, there's one on board. Gopher wants to spill his guts to her. Ace is taking romantic advice from her. A couple have brought their chimp with them. He gives Gopher a raspberry. Wacky! Too bad the ape has to go to the zoo. Well, that's where we're all going. A brilliant man wins a cruise. He has a Rick Moranis / Eddie Deezen quality. Patty Davis is after his bones. She's overdressed for the Lido Deck. He's an ace on Omega Race. The Mermaids perform Neutron Dance (again.) If someone stole my brand new Chevrolet, I'd be mighty peeved! I might even be on fire! Remember when the Pointer Sisters were Isaac's backup group? On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this one gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: The Art Lover/Couples/Made for Each Other (1986) Season 9, Episode 18

Ted Lange Putting in Overtime

[10 June 2024]

'You think it's easy having everything?' It's another Ted Lange episode. We're doing something different by beginning in medias res. Three couples are feuding with each other. It's a The Love Boat take on PG rated swinging. Let's go back to the beginning. Meanwhile, Simon Beck has a priceless Aztec mask in his bag, and he wants them to look after it. What could happen to a priceless Aztec mask on a cruise ship? Well, Gopher just might use it to impress a girl. Yes, Fred Willard would love to rub lotion on Caren Kaye. Vicki keeps bungling her voiceover. How long has she been doing this? The flashback structure is different, but this is pretty ordinary. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this one gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: The Second Time Around/Hello, Spencer/Runaway, Go Home (1986) Season 9, Episode 17

Emily Part 2

[10 June 2024]

'Don't bounce until you get to the bumps in the road.' This one's directed by Ted Lange. Ah, Dionne Warwick could really sing. We press forward toward the end here. Emily is back, warming up to Captain Stubing. He might even let her drive the boat. (No one ever asked me to drive the boat.) Michael Winslow never fails to amuse. He swears that he's been hired to perform on the ship. No one on the crew knows anything about it. They'll have to put him to work. The Gatlin Brothers are here. (Okay, there's no way that Isaac listens to the Gatlin Brothers.) The Bros are trying to finish their newest song. Quinn Cummings keeps breaking into their room and bothering them. Maybe they can write a song about her? Captain Stubing is looking forward to Rocky IV. I could tell him some things! On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this one gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: Hello, Emily/The Tour Guide/The Winning Number (1986) Season 9, Episode 16

Emily Part 1

[10 June 2024]

'Your Chinese New Year's Dinner was a Feast!' A pair of lottery winners is taking a cruise. He tips Gopher $50 as he comes on board. Will the money change him? Erin is waiting for her mother-in-law Emily. Emily is a bit of a firecracker. She hands Captain Stubing a giant albacore. Later, the Captain gives her a grand tour. She makes it a point to invite herself to the Captain's Table. That's a crime in some maritime principalities. A tour guide is leading a group of, uh, silver citizens. She's not very good. She's pursued by Barry Van Dyke. He might be a distraction. Gopher is training Ace to be an Assistant Purser. The Mermaids perform 'Neutron Dance.' In the end, Emily says she's taking the next cruise! On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this one gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: Egyptian Cruise: Part 2 (1986) Season 9, Episode 15

Illinois Bones and the Simplest of Looms

[10 June 2024]

'Cleopatra's barge will not sail.' We're a long way from when John Astin held the cruise ship crew hostage on Gilligan's Island in the middle of a hurricane. Come to think of it, we haven't seen Barbie Benton in a while. 'Ed Fu' sounds like a martial art for nerds. We're still in Egypt, but we left the Mermaids at home. Valerie Harper will be playing the part of Mrs Robinson in tonight's program. Will Captain Stubing fall for Edith Bunker? (She wouldn't be my first choice.) Deborah Grant is out of sorts, with our "entertainment journalist" hounding her. 'This isn't Hollywood. It's Egypt.' He's trying to humble her, you know. You've seen this kind of thing before. If you're going to call the Antiquities Department, make sure you've got the real number. Rookie mistake! 'This ankh has caused nothing but trouble!' On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this one gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: Egyptian Cruise: Part 1 (1986) Season 9, Episode 14

Egypt Part 1

[10 June 2024]

'It's probably Egyptian for made in Taiwan.' I do like that we're starting in the middle of the action. As always with these episodes, there's a lot going on. We're in Egypt. We've been here before. It's really instant production value. Judy intends to climb to the top of the Pyramid. I bet she'll meet a handsome man on the way up. (I'm just glad she's getting a subplot.) I should be doing work, but I'm watching The Love Boat. (Work sucks.) Doc buys a golden ankh. You know the ankh is important because it gets its own musical sting. They're sailing down the Nile on the Alexander the Great. Edith Bunker is here. She turns out to be an old friend of the Captain (he has many of them.) A mystery crate gets its own cabin. It turns out to be a mummy. Gopher and Issac investigate the obviously cursed object. It's guarded by a real Boris Karloff type. Deborah Grant, America's #1 movie star, is here. She's starring in a remake of Cleopatra. (I thought Cleopatra was Chinese.) John Astin is her producer. She's feuding with an "entertainment journalist." (Whatever that is.) Ace has agreed to take photos for the movie star. Valerie Harper has come with her husband. They're having communication problems. Judy's stud turns out to be one of her former students.

The Love Boat: Miss Mom/Who's the Champ/Gopher's Delusion (1986) Season 9, Episode 13

Memories of Bruce

[10 June 2024]

'It's payback time! I'm gonna mangle the mangler!' Hulk Hogan! Bruce Jenner! Okay, you've got me already, show. Hulk is playing "himself," whoever that is. Bruce is "Loverboy Bob." Ace is not a fan of pro-wrestling. Gopher wants to enter a 'Mystery Port' promotion. Just so long as the port isn't downtown Detroit. 'Gopher, go to your hole.' That's a good one, Captain. Gopher will do anything to impress the Captain. The Amazing Zimmerman is trying to hypnotize the passengers. He accidentally zonks Gopher. Now Gopher thinks he's the Captain! Wacky! Judy is trying to arrange a romance for her cousin, Gretchen. Will she be interested in a writer of children's books? In another subplot, Starlight is having trouble picking up some dance steps. Will she be fired? This one's not as fun as it should be. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this one gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: Hippies and Yuppies/Frat Wars/Return of the Lambdas (1986) Season 9, Episode 12

Something about Water Pressure

[10 June 2024]

'I remember. The water pressure ripped off your blouse.' I know about Hippies. I've seen Family Ties. One man has grown up. The another is his old Woodstock self. Can the two still be friends? These are important sociological questions. The Lambda Frat is here to raise hell. That young Frat member has a Paul Williams thing going for him. I bet he gets all the chicks. The other guy is totally Bluto. Of course, I'm the weirdo who prefers King Frat to Animal House. Can any of the Frat boys lure one of the Mermaids? The girls do a dance to 'The Heart of Rock and Roll.' The guys interrupt. Is nothing sacred? 'Go to your room, Dickford!' On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this one gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: Picture Me a Spy/Daredevil/Sleeper (1986) Season 9, Episode 11

Scolari and Cox - Together at Last

[27 May 2024]

'Since MTV, nobody watches sports anymore.' It's such a shame that Peter Scolari didn't have the career of Tom Hanks. Here he plays the daredevil "Fearless" Frank Hobbs. He's doing stunt falls to get the attention of an impossibly young Courtney Cox. He even dangles over the side of the ship. Alan Thicke is running for president. (I wouldn't vote for him.) His wife just wants to take it easy on the cruise. Too bad she's a sleepwalker who drops her towel in front of our good doctor. Herb Edelman is a Russian doctor, here with his daughter. Ace hits on her. The Mermaids get a little comedic banter. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this one gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: The Father of the Bride/The Best Man/Members of the Wedding (1986) Season 9, Episode 10

Flagg and Man

[27 May 2024]

'That man's been at sea too long.' It's a wedding cruise. Archie Hahn is an overconfident swinger, immediately hitting on Judy and Vicki. No luck. Robert Mandan is a tycoon of industry. He's also the father of the bride. Fannie Flagg is his wife. His money man needs to talk to him. Is it bad news? Ace reunites with an old flame, Lori. Lori is the bride of this wedding cruise. Lydia Cornell is her divorced sister. Her ex-husband is here to taunt her. Meanwhile, the Best Man is warned by Dad to stay away from her. Denver Pyle is rescued at sea. He's the grandfather of the Groom. The Mermaids are playing the Bachelor Party. They dance to 'I'm so Excited.' Remember the time that the Pointer Sisters sang backup for Isaac? Danny Goldman could be Bud Cort's twin. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this one gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: Roommates/Heartbreaker/Out of the Blue (1985) Season 9, Episode 9

Harvey Drops In

[27 May 2024]

'You take all the fun out of being depressed.' Randy Jackson is a professional golfer. He's here with Christine. He's coming off a heart transplant. Everyone's complaining about Vicki. I've been doing that since Season 3. It turns out that her cabin is flooded. She'll have to bunk with Judy. Harvey Korman parachutes onto the Lido Deck. "I don't see any luggage, sir." Plop. Can he impress Sandy Dennis? She's probably too good an actress for this show. Anyway, that happens every once in a while where talent gets squashed into the Love Boat formula. I'm here for the formula. Average episode. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this one gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: Trouble in Paradise/No More Mister Nice Guy/The Mermaid and the Cop (1985) Season 9, Episode 8

Teri

[27 May 2024]

'Do you think I'm too busty?' Gopher has a nice black uniform. Teri Hatcher comes down the stairs and runs into Richard Hatch. They're a match, but Teri has a secret (Where's she keeping it in that tiny bikini?) Despite being at sea, Vicki still looks ready for the food court. Holy cow! It's Julie McCoy! I wonder if she's sober? She says she's happily married. I don't believe it. Gopher ain't having it either. Will Julie give Gopher a happy ending right there on the Lido deck? Ace is trying out to be the assistant purser, but to get the job he's going to have to fire some people. Can he fire a man who supports orphans? On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: Good Time Girls/Iron Man/Soap War (1985) Season 9, Episode 7

Still More Carol

[27 May 2024]

'It's an advanced workout to Bolero.' Oh boy. Carol Channing is back. What did I do to deserve this? Now she's a soap opera actress. As usual, Betty White joins her. Louis Nye is another soap opera act. Belinda and her athlete husband are here. She's not happy with how much time he's spending on it. Now he's starting to faint. Doc wants to check him out. Three very attractive women are trying to lose their innocence. Shouldn't be difficult. One of the girls, having doubts about the whole thing, strikes it up with Ace. How come fake soap operas are always better than real soap operas? On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: Forties Fantasy (1985) Season 9, Episode 6

Double Agent Charo

[27 May 2024]

'Forty years ago, we wouldn't have been carrying around girls in bikinis.' Why am I watching again? Yeah, I don't know who thought this was a good idea. On the plus side, I do like Charo. Man, she's got some torpedoes. Sorry, I'll restrain myself. I like the incorporation of Gershwin. Captain Stubing thinks Charo is a spy. Joanie from Happy Days is trying to have a honeymoon with the boyfriend from Just One of the Guys. Vicki gets hungry and eats the banana from Charo's hat! Even our guys would rather watch a John Wayne movie. It's a break from the formula (sort of.) I think I prefer the formula. In fact, formulas are underrated. They help to keep us regular. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: The German Cruise: The Villa/The Racer's Edge/Love or Money/The Accident: Part 2 (1985) Season 9, Episode 5

Double Landers Part 2

[27 May 2024]

'It's Marcel! He's alive!' Vicki is not much of a writer. Lisa tells her man he can't race. Defy her, man! Justina is going broke. Will Mel still love her when she's poor? An evil developer is planning to put up condos on Justina's family villa. It's always condos. Ace and Judy get wet. Uh huh. Audrey doesn't realize that Ace is actually rich. 'Don't overdo it,' Coach Harry Morgan says. (He's totally going to overdo it.) There's an exciting subplot 'bout Captain Stubing trying to get his camera working. Will he finally achieve clear video recording? Stay tuned. The Love Boat is able to warp time. Scott somehow has the time to train and enter the bike race, all while the cruise ship is still in port. The Love Boat was making fun of bored, virtue signaling rich people in 1985. I can't hate this. It's got two Landers sisters. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.

The Love Boat: The German Cruise: The Villa/The Racer's Edge/Love or Money/The Accident: Part 1 (1985) Season 9, Episode 4

Landers & Landers (& Landers & Landers) - Part 1

[9 May 2024]

'If I need a conscience, my dear, I'll buy one.' We're starting in the middle of our European jaunt this time. That's different. (Don't change the formula too much, show. I come here for the formula.) We're starting in Germany, heading for the French Riveria. We've got two Landers! It's almost too much of a good thing! Gopher and Ace chat 'em up, but Audrey advises Judy to marry a rich man. (Hey, poor boys need love too.) Judy gets on with Ace, having no idea that he's actually rich. A former championship bike racer is marrying Lisa. His coach, Harry Morgan, is there to witness the wedding. Then he shows up on the cruise! Oh, Harry, you're making Lisa upset. Go away, Harry. Justina is being pursued by a man. Nicole Phillips has her own travel agency. She's giving Vicki a chance to write for her. Captain Stubing bores Judy with his travel videos. Gopher finds a dockworker in a bikini. Well, that works. 'I love Europe,' he says. See you on the other side (if we both make it through the checkpoint.)