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ornatski
Reviews
The Devil's Tomb (2009)
The Actor's Tomb
Unlike most people commenting on this title, I was not disappointed. Not in the slightest. I knew what to expect from a straight-to-DVD feature. The only reason I bothered to watch this was a chance to see Henry Rollins "acting" again. I am a big fan of his spoken word performances, but acting is a whole other story. The man just can't act, and this fact is somehow quite endearing.
Speaking of acting, the rest of the crew isn't that bad. They try very hard to make the most of absurd script and terrible dialogue. Cuba Gooding plays well as usual, Stephanie Jacobsen is also very good, Zack Ward carries out his usual role of an annoying prick perfectly. The rest of the crew did not really impress. Even Ron Perlman can't be considered a star, for he only sporadically appears in the film, and doesn't interact with other actors until the very end.
Overall, the movie is appalling. I'd give it 1 out of 10, but it gets two additional stars for the scene in which Cuba Gooding's character orders his men to gag the priest played by Rollins just to shut him up. Does anyone believe that this scene wasn't written with Rollins in mind?
Elektra (2005)
Worst comic book adaptation since Flash Gordon
First off, when you prepare to watch a movie based on a comic book, what do you expect to see? I'd say some nice special effects, breathtaking action, silly plot and Hollywood stars who are in it for the money (you may think at this point that I hate comic book adaptations, but I actually like them a lot, that's just the way they were meant to be). Let's see how Elektra delivers in these aspects:
Nice special effects: Basically non-existent. I remember only the rotting grass and rusting metal, which was quite cool, but that's about it.
Breathtaking action: There was action, but I don't dare call it breathtaking. Boring would be more appropriate. Jennifer Garner kicks ass with a sleepy expression on her moderately cute face, and the rest of the cast also seem very bored.
Silly plot: Check. But a silly plot is good when it's not bloated. In this case, it is.
Hollywood stars: Well, there's Garner... and err... that dude from ER... and one barely known supermodel. That's it?! Yep, no big names here, move along.
Need I say more?
The X Files: Tunguska (1996)
Nice episode, but full of weird stereotypes
This could be a great "mytharc" episode, but it was ruined for me by some gross misinterpretations of Russia and Russians. I'm sure that American and European folks enjoyed it greatly, but at some points it annoyed me like hell.
Firstly, they couldn't make an episode about Russia without mentioning GULAG. It's as if there's nothing to say about Russia without this word. Frankly I can't remember a single American movie about Russians in which GULAG is not mentioned. Unbelievably annoying!
Then there are Russians on horses. I've been in the country a lot and I've never seen anyone riding a horse. Believe it or not, Russian people in the country have CARS. Basically no one rides horses, we're not barbarians for God's sake! Also, Alex Krychek reveals that he has a Russian heritage. His family name, however, is definitely not Russian. I've never heard of any Russian named Krychek.
On the other hand, it was good to see that most Russians in this episode were actually played by Russian actors, so I didn't have to suffer severe headaches trying to understand what they say in what is supposed to be my native language. Even Nicholas Lea speaks relatively well, that was a very pleasant surprise. Most of the Russian dialogue is grammatically correct, nothing to complain about.
On the whole, I enjoyed watching this episode, though it made me wonder once again - when will they learn to portray my country at least a bit closer to reality? 8 out of 10 for the story, 6 out of 10 overall.
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007)
Overrated beyond belief
First off, when you go to see a movie with Brad Pitt cast to play a Wild West outlaw, you're bound to get suspicious. I mean, Danny De Vito doesn't play Batman, does he? Brad Pitt and Wild West simply do not mix, and there is no plot great enough to conceal this miscasting.
Then there's Casey Affleck, whose acting skills (or lack thereof, which is a tradition in the Affleck family) leave you wishing someone would shoot him as soon as possible. His acting is unbearable, flat and one-sided. That's what he's nominated for Oscar for. Laughable.
Then you get curious as of what genre this flick belongs to. It's definitely no western (with that much blabbering throughout the movie, all traditional western characters would probably shoot themselves in the first 15 minutes), it's no psychological drama (not with a bunch of two-dimensional, stick figure characters), and it only falls into a bad comedy category due to some unfunny jokes that some of the characters utter from time to time.
Did I also mention that it's almost three hours long? Three hours of constant pointless talking, with only a couple of slow horse rides that take the characters to another location where they can continue to rattle their boxes just like all Wild West heroes used to do back then.
Overall, I failed to see anything worthy in this movie. It's beautifully shot, and that's about it.
Smokin' Aces (2006)
Well-shot but very mediocre flick
I've heard a lot of positive reviews from my friends, but boy was I disappointed. The attempt to mix the classic "mafia" movie with a breathtaking action thriller failed miserably. The movie fails to deliver in both aspects.
In the first hour and a half of the movie, the storyline is pretty much non-existent. Lots of different hired killers (half of them incredibly amateurish) are trying to kill one man. Blood, gunshots, murder and very little sense throughout the whole flick. And then, in the last 10 minutes, we are given the whole story behind this mess. Only then I realized who is actually the main character, because it was extremely hard to tell before that. The story itself is ridiculous and unrealistic. I didn't pay to watch this movie, but if I did, I'd surely feel ripped off.
The bottom line is: If you like well-shot senseless violence and don't care about the storyline, you'll enjoy this. But if you like the movies with good scripts, or at least a decent story, or you're a fan of classic mafia movies, don't rent "Smokin' Aces". Save your time and money for some good mafia movie, where characters are capable of at least saying a couple of words before shooting.