leetwanker Reviews

Warning!!! Pedophile Released (2009)

Did perverted children make this stinker?

[1/10 · 20 December 2010]

The review I just read after watching this movie was fairly accurate but I think the reviewer, David, gave credit for the wrong reasons. I don't particularly care if it's someone's first film or their fiftieth. A bad movie is a bad movie. In my opinion this can hardly be called a movie. There's really no discernible storyline. The very little, largely one-sided dialog is strained and strange. Lack of a budget can't account for a bad script. This seems like it was conceived and written in about an hour on a cocktail napkin. It's obviously a sick person who writes a scene where a girl sitting completely naked on the toilet has an argument with her roommate about who's going to kick the naked girl's brother out of the house and then she walks out there buck naked and fights with him without anyone even thinking it's strange that she's standing there fully nude screaming at her brother to get the eff out of the house while there doesn't seem to be any sort of reason she couldn't have taken the time to get dressed first. Just a ridiculous way to get a nude scene into a movie it seemed to me. But hey, if you're looking for a movie with a lot of nude and rape scenes that it's impossible for a normal person to enjoy, then this movie's for you! The only reason I watched it in the first place was because it had an obviously fraudulent high rating on IMDb, and as David said, the only people who would've rated it highly are those directly involved in its creation.

To all those who think this review is poorly written, me included, the movie is much much worse. While I'd like to say I wrote it badly to prove a point, I think I just got brain damage from trying to sit through this nightmare that someone should have taken much more time to write or not have written at all.

If this saves even one person the two hours of their life that I just wasted then this has been my good deed for the day. You're welcome!

Calvin Marshall (2009)

A watchable movie, but not deserving of its rating thus far IMHO.

[2/10 · 1 November 2010]

This is like a "life REALLY sucks" version of Rudy if you swap football for baseball. We were never really showed anything the kid was really good at, I guess it was sports broadcasting if I had to make a guess.

I'm glad that he ended up with the possibility of getting the girl (in the end anyway), but your coach that has thus far been treating you like a beloved mascot all of the sudden moves in on this girl that's 20 years younger and pretty much no chance with, him moving in on our "hero's" girl is just sleazy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type who only enjoys feel-good movies.

I guess my main gripe is that it was just plain boring. I found myself 45 minutes into a movie - wondering why I was watching it. Luckily the bit of romance between Calvin and Tori, that made it just interesting enough for me to finish and write this review, from the perspective of the "average guy" instead of the independent film groupies who rave about this below average flick.

I really hope it was based very tightly on a true story - else whoever the hell wrote this needs to find a new job. I will say however that the acting was pretty decent, but all they can do is follow a poor script.

/end rant - hope this helps and keeps you from wasting an hour and a half of your life. Cheers

Diagnosis: Death (2009)

Skip this one.

[2/10 · 31 December 2009]

There is Cancer, then an experimental drug trial. Then comes the nurse who seems evil. Hallucinations are blamed on the drugs. Two of the patients form kind of a bond to try and figure out what it is that's happening to them.

If this review sounds boring, that's because the movie was. So boring I couldn't even finish watching it. If this review was here before I watched the movie, It would have saved me an hour. So hopefully this will save you that time.

It's a bit silly to me that IMDb won't a low a nice succinct review. In order to express an opinion you have to write up a mini-biography of the movie. I do and do and do for you people, and this is the thanks I get!

Jennifer's Body (2009)

A refreshing bit of originality.

[7/10 · 28 December 2009]

Let me preface this by saying that I'm very critical of movies, the Horror genre in particular. Whether it be bad acting, unrealistic dialog, or just a crap plot, it doesn't take much for me to dislike it, and being that it seems that every other movie that comes out is another horror flick, it takes something special for me to enjoy it.

However with this movie I didn't go in with very high expectations and was very pleasantly surprised. It's a different type of movie, they don't spend all their energy trying to get you to jump out of your seat, they just tell what is a pretty good story save the ending, which was a bit of a stinker. That and I could have done with some nudity, it would've fit rather well in this flick. There's plenty of beauties that can act that don't have a problem stripping down for a well done skin scene, because you just know that Megan Fox is never going to deliver.

So, just as long as you don't go into it with super-high expectations, I think you'll enjoy it.

Justin

The Limits of Control (2009)

Two hours you'll never get back.

[1/10 · 15 November 2009]

I've just sat through this entire movie and I've got no clue what it was even about. I have to admit, it was far too boring for me to devote 100% of my attention, but that's no excuse.

The movie consists mostly of the lead character's adventures of going from supposed criminal to supposed criminal exchanging matchbooks with different things in them. He hardly says a word throughout the whole flick. I think you hear more (or hopefully you don't) from him in the last 10 minutes of the movie than you do the first hour and forty. The rest of the dialogue is just the other characters attempting to have conversations with him that turn out to be almost entirely one-sided.

There was some decent nudity from a large (not to mention very lop-sided} breasted woman who was pretty cute, unfortunately that's the only good thing I can say about it.

Well, I've already devoted far too much time to this movie, I just hope this helps to save a bit of yours. I'd love to know how this movie got an IMDb rating of 6.6!!!! Sonsabitches! Hope your damned legs grow together!

Fire! (2009)

Absolutely Unbelievable!

[1/10 · 14 June 2009]

I'm not much of a reviewer but I watch a lot of movies. I've never seen worse acting or a more unbelievable story than this. This takes "Hokey" to a whole new level. Stay away from this one if you put any value at all on your time. I'm not a big fan of the CSI TV shows but I know the main character, Gary Dourdan from there so I know he at least has the capability to act. In this role it's like every line is strained and what's worse is that everything he says and does is completely, utterly, unrealistic. For instance, if you're outside of a bank that's being robbed and your wife is inside, you're not going to tell some stranger that calls you on someone else's phone that somehow finds it's way into your pocket that your wife is inside the bank and go further to tell him her name. This is just the start, it gets much worse, and it's not limited to him, but I'm not wasting any more of my time on this stinker.

Hope you guys find this useful.