Valmont74 Reviews

Passion (2012)

It's not only bad. It's worse than Joe Eszterhas bad.

[4/10 · 22 August 2013]

What ever happened to Brian De Palma, the great film maker who gave us contemporary classics such as Carrie, Dressed to Kill, Blow Out, Body Double, Scarface, The Untouchables and Carlito's Way?

Did he make a pact with the Devil to gain success in the '70s and '80s, and now he's got to pay the price? Or did he ask his friend Francis Ford Coppola for career advice?

Brian De Palma's career started going south with Snake Eyes and Mission to Mars and was cemented with the all time low Femme Fatale.

Well, that was until the complete mess that is also known as Passion (2012). This film is utter rubbish from start to finish and I felt bad for Noomi Rapace who really tries to do the best with the terrible script she's been handed.

The story, if one can call it such, focuses around two business women. One is sleeping with the other one's boyfriend, the other get back at her by messing with her career-wise etc. I will not go into spoiler territory, but it feels like De Palma loses his way completely in the third act and desperately tries to evoke some of the style he used in the '70s and '80s but he misses his goal completely.

Passion (2012) isn't even "so bad it's good" like the hilarious '90s work of Joe Eszterhas (Showgirls (1995), Jade (1995), Sliver (1993) - in that order), nor remotely charming in it's cluelessness. It's just an all-around stinker.

2 Broke Girls (2011–2017)

Putrid and vomit inducing

[1/10 · 10 November 2011]

This is truly the death of narrative television. An half an hour of completely unfunny sex-related jokes combined with horrid canned laughter.

Every joke is so hopelessly written and the punch line never make you laugh, but hey - the laugh track will do it for you. This is so numbingly boring that you can actually die in front of the television and not notice.

Creator Michael Patrick King should be sent to bed without dinner until he promises never to do something this stupid and vomit inducing again. He should have learned his lesson after the equally unfunny and putrid Sex & The City 2, but apparently not.

There simply isn't anything funny to find in this series, it is utter garbage and suffice to say - I hated it.

The Smurfs (2011)

Everyone involved should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

[1/10 · 2 August 2011]

I know film makers never set out to make an awful movie. In their heart they start the production with the hopes the final product will be a good one. But after seeing this, I wonder what they really had hoped for. Even during pre-production someone, a producer with some ounce of talent, should have hit the breaks on this one. In the end they all must have realised what a huge pile of toxic waste this is.

If you're going to make an animated Smurf movie, then do so and let it be animated in it's own Smurf world. Don't involve real humans, animals, locations etc.

The final product stink and everyone involved should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Beck: Mannen utan ansikte (2001) Season 2, Episode 2

The best and most suspenseful Beck yet!

[7/10 · 13 December 2001]

A gruesome murder where a man has his face sliced off opens the new Beck film, this time directed by Harald Hamrell.

This is the tenth installment in the Beck series and it improves on the previous films in both tension and character. While some of the CGI in "Beck - Hämndens pris (2001)" looked bogus, this one opts more for a classic "whodunnit" based on clever acting and suspense than explosions and gun fights.

Peter Haber and Mikael Persbrandt are both great as Martin Beck and Gunvald Larsson, this time they also get great support from Malin Birgerson, Stina Ekblad, Karin Holmberg and especially Michalis Koutsogiannakis as the jealous husband Tachmed.

Even though some of the scenes might be a bit too gory for the weak of heart, the twists in the script, Hamrell's great direction and the witty and often funny dialogue will keep you watching untill the end. Ingvar Hirdwall as the obnoxious neighbor is superb as ever.

Well recommended. The only disappointment is that it didn't receive a theatrical release. The lack of a commentary track by Hamrell and some of the actors on the DVD is also a missed opportunity.

Beck: Kartellen (2001) Season 2, Episode 3

One of the better ones goes straight to video...

[6/10 · 13 December 2001]

For the eleventh time Martin Beck get to solve another mystery. This time corruption in the resturant business is the main target and the adventure kicks off with a gruesome murder of a resturant owner.

Regulars Peter Haber, Mikael Persbrandt and Malin Birgersson are back and they get great support this time by Rafael Edholm and Basia Frydman among others.

Like the previous "Beck - Mannen utan ansikte (2001)" this one goes more for the drama and tension than action set pieces. The result is actually a quite good mix. Not the best one of the bunch, but one of them. It's a shame it goes straight to video.

Hassel/Förgörarna (2000)

A Swedish attempt at a Jerry Bruckheimer extravaganza!

[6/10 · 2 February 2000]

This is the first movie based upon the TV-series "Hassel" from the 80's and early 90's. A lot has been updated in terms of pace, photography, music and set pieces, but the characters from the original series are still there, and it's good to see most of the main cast back in uniform for this one.

The film starts off when a drug courier is killed and Roland Hassel and his colleagues start to investigate the case. It doesn't take longer than to say "Simpson/Bruckheimer" before a lot of chaos and mayhem erupts.

Lars-Erik Berenett is perfectly cast as Roland Hassel once again and his character is well transformed into this faster moving and more action filled piece compared to the slower TV-police-drama. He gets nice support from actors Regina Lund, Björn Gedda and Thomas Hanzon, the latter playing the bad guy, and making a good job at it.

This IS Hassel for the 90's, erm, the Y2K and the film makers have made a nice looking, explosive sounding film that doesn't cut down too much on the characters and drama between the action scenes.

Director Mikael Hylin makes a nice attempt at creating a Jerry Bruckheimer big budget extravaganza with a limited Swedish budget and no Hans Zimmer. But it works! Mr. Hylin must have felt he had a good one coming up, because he even thanks Jerry Bruckheimer in the end credits. Make sure to stay behind and watch them.

Conquest (1996 Video)

It's way better than Renny Harlin's Cutthroat Island!

[6/10 · 2 July 1999]

This erotic pirate adventure feature some well choreographed sword fights, big scale pirate ships and, well, some really erotic XXX-scenes.

This is a "big budget porno" and you can almost see the money invested, not just in the sex scenes, but in the look and feel of the picture. Director's Brad Armstrong and Greg Steel have certainly gone to extreme length in creating an XXX-rated feature that (with exception from the XXX-scenes) feels like a major studio production and the result is very good indeed. It works both as a porno (which it is, not matter the artistic intentions) and as a pirate film. It blows Renny Harlin's Cutthroat Island away just in the opening credits! (Did I mention, this one has a nice Enigma-esque score too!)

The acting is better than the usual porno standards and leading man Vince Vouyer does his best delivering his lines and still can keep focused at his "main task" in the movie. Leading actress Jenna Jameson might never receive an Academy Award, but she makes up for it just looking sexy and doing what she, erm, does best.

The big treat if you get this on DVD is a very good "making of" with interviews from directors', cast and even some footage of the sword fighting practise and picking of wardrobe. Everyone is relaxed and seem to be enjoying themself (who wouldn't?) and Jenna Jameson is very talkative and funny.

This ain't Braveheart, but see this one if you're in for a great XXX-pirate adventure!

Show Me Love (1998)

A GREAT EXPERIENCE

[8/10 · 13 November 1998]

It was truly a great film to watch. It was more than just watching a movie, it was experiencing a movie. It lingers in your head, heart and gut for days. The last time I felt that was with The Exorcist (!), and this is a love story! The actors are well cast and director/writer Lukas Moodysson has gotten some very real performances from everyone in the cast. I hope he sees all these comments on this page and tells his wonderful cast and crew it was all worth it. Jävligt bra jobbat!