Modern Family (TV Series)

Open House of Horrors (2012)

Julie Bowen: Claire Dunphy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Claire Dunphy : How's your open house?

  Phil Dunphy : Pretty empty, actually. I kind of just took it out on a Harry Potter. Seriously, though, a Gryffindor letting his mom carry his Quidditch broom? How Hufflepuff is that?

  Claire Dunphy : It's pretty lonely here, too. We have been shunned by the whole neighborhood.

  Phil Dunphy : That's ridiculous. All over some mild little gag you pulled?

  Claire Dunphy : It was not mild. There was an investiga...

  Phil Dunphy : Shh! Oh, I-I thought I hear someone. I guess it was just trees tapping against the window. It's pretty creepy over here in this rattly old house.

  [Claire gets an idea] 

  Phil Dunphy : Anyway, I'll probably give it another 30 minutes, then I'll see you at home.

  Claire Dunphy : Okay. Bye.

  [Hangs up and snickers] 

  Alex Dunphy : What are you laughing about?

  Claire Dunphy : Oh, it's just your poor dad, you know. Your poor, dumb dad.

• Phil Dunphy : Okay, Claire, they're gone. You can come out now. Claire? Honey, I'm sorry I said you weren't scary. It's been such a long day. Can we please just go home?

  [the wind whistles and the power goes out] 

  Phil Dunphy : All right. I'm leaving without ya.

  [TV turns on, but there's only static] 

  Phil Dunphy : So... *this* remote you know how to use.

  [Turns the TV off; the phone rings and he drops the remote; slowly goes to answer it] 

  Phil Dunphy : Yes?

  Claire Dunphy : Phil, where are you?

  Phil Dunphy : Claire? Where are you?

  Claire Dunphy : I came over to scare you, but then I heard you showing the house to that couple, so I got out of your way.

  Phil Dunphy : Are... you at home?

  Claire Dunphy : Yeah, I got here ten minutes ago.

  Phil Dunphy : S-so... so you're saying... this call isn't coming from inside the house?

  Claire Dunphy : What are you talking about? Just get home, the kids and I are hungry.

  Alex Dunphy : Yeah, hurry up, Dad!

  Luke Dunphy : We miss you!

  Phil Dunphy : ... miss you too, Buddy...

  [Hangs up the phone; heads to the door but is distracted by a thump upstairs; walks into the bedroom to grab his keys on the bed] 

  Alex Dunphy : [Grabs his foot from under the bed]  Ah!

  Phil Dunphy : Aah! Aah!

  Luke Dunphy : [Jumps out from the closet]  Trick or treat!

  Phil Dunphy : Aaah!

  Claire Dunphy : [Jumps up from the bed]  Aah!

  Phil Dunphy : AAAHHH!

  Phil Dunphy : [Cutaway interviews]  I wasn't really that scared.

  [Claire smirks at him] 

• Claire Dunphy : I know it's lame, but after last year, we promised the neighbors we would keep our decorations more family-friendly.

  Alex Dunphy : We can't even carve a pumpkin?

  Claire Dunphy : The petition was very specific.

  [Cut to interviews] 

  Claire Dunphy : Every Halloween, we have the best house. Last year, I took things to a whole new level. But apparently, it was too scary for some kids. And one adult.

• Claire Dunphy : What do you mean I'm not even scary? I literally almost scared the life out of a man.

  Phil Dunphy : You literally scared a little saliva and a little urine out of him. That happens to me every time I see a monkey wearing people clothes.

  Claire Dunphy : I was plenty scary. I used professional-grade makeup.

  Phil Dunphy : That's the point, Claire. It was overkill. You're the kind of person who can be twice as scary without wearing any makeup.

• Phil Dunphy : I don't care what anyone says, you did not give that man a heart attack.

  Claire Dunphy : Thank you!

  Phil Dunphy : I mean, you're not even scary. Can I grab a little bit of this candy for my open house tonight?

  Claire Dunphy : Oh, yeah, sure, but...

  Phil Dunphy : [Taking a few pieces, then a handful, then emptying the contents into his bag]  It's genius. An open house on Halloween. Millions of bored parents just trying to keep their... kids out of traffic. Now they can get away from that all *and* see a nice house.