The Cabin in the Woods (2011)
Richard Jenkins: Sitterson
Photos
Quotes
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Sitterson : No, they have to make the choice of their own free will. Otherwise, the system doesn't work. It's like ike the Harbinger. It's this creepy old fuck, practically wears a sign, "You will die." Why do we put him there? The system. They have to choose to ignore him, and they have to choose what happens in the cellar. Yeah, we rig the game as much as we need to, but in the end, they don't transgress...
Hadley : They can't be punished.
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Labcoat Girl : Wait. That's not fair. I had zombies, too!
Sitterson : Yes, you did. Yes, you had zombies. But this is "Zombie Redneck Torture Family," see? They're entirely separate species. Like the difference between an elephant and an elephant seal.
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Sitterson : Oh, man. I'm sorry.
Hadley : He had the conch in his hands!
Sitterson : I know. I know. A couple more minutes, who knows what might've happened? Yes.
Hadley : I am never gonna see a merman. Ever.
Sitterson : Dude, be thankful. Those things are terrifying. And the cleanup on them is a nightmare.
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[first lines]
Hadley : It's... hormonal. Yeah, I don't... usually fall back on, you know, it's-it's women's issues, but...
Sitterson : But child-proofed how? Gates and stuff?
Hadley : Dude, she did the drawers. We don't even know if this whole fertility thing's gonna work. She screwed in these little jobbies where you can't even open the drawers.
Sitterson : At all?
Hadley : No. They open, you know, like an inch, then you gotta dig your finger in. I mean, it's a nightmare.
Sitterson : I guess sooner or later...
Hadley : Yeah, well, a *lot* later. She did the *upper* cabinets. Kid'll be 30 before he can reach 'em, assuming, you know, we have a kid.
P.A. Voice : Attention...
[P.A. message continues, indistinct]
Sitterson : It is natural for her to feel protective.
Hadley : Don't even... You have women's issues.
Sitterson : Please. You of all people.
Hadley : Oh, come on. It's a jinx. It- it guarantees that we won't get pregnant. And it takes me about 20 minutes to get a fuckin' beer.
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[the Zombie Redneck Torture Family are attacking the cabin]
Curt : Look. We gotta lock this place down.
Marty : He's right.
Curt : We'll go room by room. Barricade every window and door. We gotta play it safe. No matter what happens, we have to stay together.
Hadley : [Watching the kids from the control room, Hadley slaps his forehead] Fuck!
Sitterson : Calm down. Watch the master work.
[Sitterson pushes buttons on the control panel. A grille opens in a cabin wall and a gas pours through it; Curt enters the room and is affected by the gas at once]
Curt : This isn't right.
Holden : What? What's the matter?
Curt : Th-This isn't right. We should split up. We-We can cover more ground that way.
Holden : [also affected by the gas] Yeah... Yeah. Good idea.
Marty : [in disbelief that they just said something so stupid] Really?
[a zombie's axe crashes through a wall]
Curt : You guys, you guys, get in your rooms.
[Marty has a protesting expression as his friends run to different rooms. Cut to Hadley placidly eating popcorn]
Hadley : Lock 'em in.
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Lin : Guys, guys, Stockholm went south.
Sitterson : Seriously? I thought they were lookin' good.
Hadley : What cracked?
Lin : I haven't seen the footage. Word is just going around.
Hadley : Well, it's never been a stable scenario. Everyone knows you can't trust Swedes.
Lin : That means there's just Japan. Japan and us.
Hadley : Well, it's not the first time that it's come down to that.
Sitterson : Japan has a perfect record.
Hadley : And we're number 2. We try harder.
Lin : But guys, if we fail, then...
Sitterson : Please, we haven't had a glitch since '98.
Hadley : We know what we're doin', Lin. Or we have it written down... somewhere.
Lin : You guys better not be messing around in there.
Sitterson : Ooh, does this mean you're not in the betting pool this year? Big money.
Lin : I mean- I am just saying it's a key scenario.
Hadley : No, I- I hear what you're sayin'.
Hadley : [to Sitterson] In '98 it was Chem. Department's fault, right?
Hadley : [to Lin] Where do you work again? Wait...
Hadley : [drives off] ... it's coming back to me now. It's going to be a long weekend if everyone's that puckered up
[Sitterson sips the edge of his coffee under the lid]
Hadley : So you wanna come over Monday night? I'm gonna pick up some power drills, liberate my cabinets.
[pause]
Hadley : Are you even... listening to me?
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Sitterson : All right, Last chance. It's post time. Dig deep, people. Betting windows are closing.
Hadley : Okay, who's still out?
Sitterson : Uh... well, let's see. We've got Engineering, we got R&D, and we got Electrical.
Hadley : [laughs] Did you see who they picked? They're practically giving their money away.
Sitterson : You should talk, Aquaman.
[laughs]
Hadley : What do you mean?
Sitterson : Ah, nothing.
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[During the celebration, Sitterson approaches the demolition crew, who did not blow up the tunnel when he expected them to]
Sitterson : You knuckleheads! You almost gave me a heart attack with that tunnel.
Demo Guy #2 : Like I said, it wasn't our fault. We didn't get the order.
Sitterson : [laughing] Okay. All right, I'm just giving you a hard time. Come on. Give us a hug.
Demo Guy #2 : [stopping him] Hey.
Demo Guy #1 : No, seriously. That wasn't our fault.
Demo Girl : There was a glitch. Power re-route from upstairs.
Sitterson : [suddenly serious] What do you mean, "upstairs"?
[a red telephone on the wall rings. Sitterson and Hadley look across the room at each other, and at it]
Hadley : Turn the fucking music off.
[the music cuts off and Hadley fearfully walks over to answer the phone. He speaks, with pauses between each line]
Hadley : Hello? That's impossible. Everything was done within the guidelines. The virgin's the only one... No. I- I am not doubting you.
[He turns, wide-eyed, to look at the big screens]
Hadley : Which one?
