House M.D. (TV Series)
Whatever It Takes (2007)
Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. Gregory House : You've gotta get down here. They've got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy's vagina. I told them that chances of invasion are slim to none but...
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Dr. Gregory House : FYI, my malpractice insurance doesn't cover alien autopsies.
Samira Terzi : That's fine. X-files are the next wing over.
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Dr. Gregory House : My friends call me "The Cane" even before I messed up my leg.
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Dr. Eric Foreman : [to House about Brennan] You're just gonna let him go?
Dr. Gregory House : Absolutely. I'm gonna let him get as far away as possible before you call the cops. Guy's a nut job. Who the hell did I leave in charge?
Taub : Foreman.
Dr. Gregory House : There was a reason for that. Next time, listen to him.
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Dr. Gregory House : You idiot.
Dr. Samira Terzi : Who are you calling an idiot?
Dr. Gregory House : Whoever knew that John was stationed in Brazil, not Bolivia.
Dr. Samira Terzi : Brazil?
Dr. Gregory House : [House turns and faces Agent Smith] Well, then, I guess I'm talking to you, idiot.
CIA Agent Smith : It's the same region. It's the same parasites, same diseases...
Dr. Gregory House : But not the same language. In Bolivia, chestnuts are chestnuts. Brazil, on the other hand, has castanhas-do-Pará. Literally, "chestnuts from Pará." Because it would be stupid for people from Brazil to call them Brazil nuts!
CIA Agent Smith : So he ate Brazil nuts. Big deal.
Dr. Gregory House : No, he ate a lot of Brazil nuts which is a big deal, because they contain selenium - which in high doses causes fatigue, vomiting, skin irritation, discharge from the fingernail beds and hair loss. Any of that sounding familiar?
CIA Agent Smith : Can you treat it?
Dr. Gregory House : We've already started. Treatment's chelation, same as for radiation sickness. The only difference is it works a lot better on nut poisoning.
CIA Agent Smith : So what's the problem?
Dr. Samira Terzi : [to Agent Smith] You're an idiot.
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Dr. Gregory House : [to Dr. Terzi] Wanna ditch Dr. Killjoy and hop on the company jet? A little trip down Mexico way? I'm not talking about the country or the plane.
Dr. Samira Terzi : You think acting like an idiot and talking about sex works on girls?
Dr. Gregory House : Well if it didn't, the human race would have died out long ago.
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Dr. Gregory House : You know, I happen to have a position available on my penis. Wait a second, I think I screwed up that joke.
Samira Terzi : You're offering me a job?
Dr. Gregory House : I'd settle for that.
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Samira Terzi : [to House] This is Dr. Sidney Curtis from the Mayo Clinic. He's also agreed to help with the diagnosis.
Dr. Curtis : Dr. House.
Dr. Gregory House : "Curtis on Immunology" Sidney Curtis?
Dr. Curtis : Oh, you've read it?
Dr. Gregory House : Nope, but it is keeping my piano level.
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[refering to the CIA agent]
Dr. Lawrence Kutner : Who's your friend?
Dr. Gregory House : We use the term "life-partner."
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Dr. Jeffrey 'Big Love' Cole : [to House] You're gonna take a case based on the car she drives?
Dr. Gregory House : Nothing says "thanks for saving my life" like a test drive in a car that accelerates faster than a space shuttle.
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Dr. Gregory House : I know how to kill a man with my thumb.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Who doesn't?
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Dr. Gregory House : Horse chestnuts may look like chestnuts, but they taste like a horse's lower-than-chestnuts.
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Dr. Gregory House : Does the "I" in CIA stand for irony?
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Dr. Gregory House : If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved. And they'd better be working their way through college.
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Dr. Jeffrey 'Big Love' Cole : That's your breakfast?
Dr. Gregory House : Technically, it's Wilson's lunch.
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Dr. Eric Foreman : [to House] Where are you?
Dr. Gregory House : I'm on a top-secret mission for the CIA.
Dr. Eric Foreman : [in a deadpan tone of voice] Right.
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Dr. James Wilson : [while talking to House on the phone] Where are you?
Dr. Gregory House : CIA headquarters. How much fludarabine...?
Dr. James Wilson : Either you're sprawled naked on your floor with an empty bottle of Vicodin or collapsed naked in front of your computer with an empty bottle of Viagra. Please tell me which because Chase has another pool going.
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Dr. Gregory House : [to John] How're you feeling?
John : Like crap.
Dr. Gregory House : Yeah, cancer can be that way.
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Dr. Amber Volakis : Twenty-month-old baby, persistent rash, fever...
Dr. Gregory House : [cuts her off] Too much crying.
Taub : Female college student with...
Dr. Gregory House : [cuts him off] Too much drama.
Dr. Eric Foreman : You don't care about the crying or the drama 'cause you won't see the patient. And you'd treat Methuselah if his snot had an interesting color. It means you've already decided which case you wanna take next.
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Dr. Gregory House : Looks a lot better on 24.
[Agent Smith opens a door and House sees Dr. Samira Terzi]
Dr. Gregory House : I take that back!
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Dr. Curtis : [to Dr. Terzi] Where was the patient when he first felt ill?
Dr. Samira Terzi : Sorry, that's classified, but assume there aren't too many places in the world John hasn't been. And, yes, John's a cover name.
Dr. Curtis : And what makes you think it was an attempt on his life?
Dr. Samira Terzi : Sorry, can't tell you that either.
Dr. Curtis : Well, what can you tell us?
Dr. Gregory House : Yeah. Did Oswald really have sex with Marilyn Monroe?