Dr. Gregory House: You've gotta get down here. They've got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy's vagina. I told them that chances of invasion are slim to none but...
Dr. Gregory House: My friends call me "The Cane." Even before I messed up my leg.
Dr. Gregory House: FYI, my malpractice insurance doesn't cover alien autopsies.
Samira Terzi: That's fine. X-files are the next wing over.
Dr. Gregory House: You idiot.
Dr. Samira Terzi: Who are you calling an idiot?
Dr. Gregory House: Whoever knew that John was stationed in Brazil, not Bolivia.
Dr. Samira Terzi: Brazil?
Dr. Gregory House: [House turns and faces Agent Smith] Well, then, I guess, I'm talking to you, idiot.
CIA Agent Smith: It's the same region. It's the same parasite,same diseases.
Dr. Gregory House: But not the same language. In Bolivia, chestnuts are chestnuts.Brazil, on the other hand, has Castanhas-do-Pará, literally, "Chestnuts from Pará."Because it would be stupid for people from Brazil to call them Brazil Nuts.
CIA Agent Smith: So he ate Brazil nuts. Big Deal.
Dr. Gregory House: No, he ate a lot of Brazil Nuts, Which is a big deal, because they contain selenium. Which, in high doses, causes fatigue, vomiting, skin irritation, discharge from the fingernail beds, and hair loss. Any of this sound familiar?
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's it? You're just gonna let him walk.
Dr. Gregory House: Of course, I want him as far away from the hospital, before YOU call the police on this nutbag!... Who did I leave in charge?
Dr. Gregory House: See? There's a *reason* for that. Next time, listen to him.
Dr. Gregory House: You know, I happen to have a position available on my penis. Wait a second, I think I screwed up that joke.
Samira Terzi: You're offering me a job?
Dr. Gregory House: I'll settle for that.
Dr. Gregory House: Horse chestnuts may look like chestnuts, but they taste like a horse's lower-than-chest-nuts.
Samira Terzi: This is Dr. Sidney Curtis from the Mayo Clinic. He's also agreed to help with the diagnosis.
Dr. Curtis: Dr. House.
Dr. Gregory House: "Curtis on Immunology" Sidney Curtis?
Dr. Curtis: Oh, you've read it?
Dr. Gregory House: Nope! But it is keeping my piano level.
Dr. Gregory House: Wanna ditch Dr. Killjoy and hop on the company jet? A little trip down Mexico way? I'm not talking about the country or the plane.
Dr. Gregory House: You think acting like an idiot and talking about sex works on girls?
Dr. Gregory House: Well if it didn't, the human race would have died out long ago.
Dr. Gregory House: If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved. And they'd better be working their way through college.
[refering to the CIA agent]
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Who's your friend?
Dr. Gregory House: We use the term "life-partner."