The Simpsons (TV Series)

King Size Homer (1995)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Arnie Pie, Squeaky-Voiced Teen

Photos 

Quotes 

• Homer Simpson : [at his computer workstation]  "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key?

• [first lines] 

  [Smithers raps on the men's room door at the power plant] 

  Smithers : Come on, Simpson! Open up, we know you're in there!

  [no answer; Smithers motions to two goons, who break the door down; the bathroom is apparently empty, but Smithers looks carefully, and points to a stall] 

  Smithers : Hmm... that one.

  [the goons kick open the stall, revealing Homer standing in the toilet bowl] 

  Homer Simpson : Someone's in here!

  [as the goons drag him out] 

  Homer Simpson : NO! NOOOOOO! AH! NO! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF...! NOOOOO!

  Smithers : Boy, I never saw a man so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics.

• Mr. Burns : [Trying to get a 300-lb. Homer to do sit-ups to lose weight]  One... one... one! Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction!

  Homer Simpson : Woo-hoo!

• [Homer arrives at a movie theater] 

  Homer Simpson : One for "Honk", please.

  Ticket Dealer : Oh. Gee, uh, just a minute. I have to check with the manager.

  Ticket Dealer : [to manager, referring to Homer]  That overweight guy wants to see the movie.

  Manager : I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid our facilities are not equipped to meet your needs.

  Homer Simpson : What are you talking about?

  Manager : What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage couldn't possibly fit in our seats.

  Homer Simpson : I can sit in the aisle.

  Manager : I'm afraid that would violate the fire code.

  Bystander : Hey, Fatty! I've got a movie for ya: A Fridge Too Far!

  [the rapidly-assembling crowd laughs] 

  Homer Simpson : Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity! I just came here tosee Honk If You're Horny in peace.

  Manager : Sir, if you'd just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.

  Homer Simpson : This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes! The overweight individuals in this country are just as smart and talented and hard working as everybody else. And they're going to make their voices heard! All they need is a leader.

• [trying to get out of work] 

  Homer : Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this?

  Carl : He's at home on disability.

  Lenny : Yeah, he got injured on the job and they just sent him home with pay. It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity.

  Homer : Stupidity, eh?

• [after leaving his home workstation to go to the movies, Homer comes back, energized] 

  Homer Simpson : I'll prove to them that I'm not lazy and irresponsible!

  [he looks at the screen, which is beeping urgently, and reads "Core Meltdown Imminent"] 

  Homer Simpson : [scared]  Marge? Lisa?

  [reluctantly] 

  Homer Simpson : Flanders?

• [Homer is walking down the street, hitchhiking with a sign that says "Give me a ride or everybody dies"] 

  Homer Simpson : [a car approaches Homer]  Hey, buddy, you gotta slow your car down and let me in, because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere! Because there could be some poison gas, I... I mean there's really going to be poison gas, and everybody's going to be dead, especially me!

  Homer Simpson : [the driver takes off]  D'oh!

  Homer Simpson : [an ice cream truck approaches Homer]  Hey, buddy, you got to let me in your car...

  Ice Cream Truck Driver : [frightened]  Take anything you want, man! Take it all!

• [an overweight Homer sinks into the mattress after he lies down on the bed] 

  Homer Simpson : Hello honey!

  Marge Simpson : Hi!..umm, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. Did you put on a little weight this week?

  Homer Simpson : I was going to surprise you, but what the heck. Honey, I'm purposely gaining 61 pounds to get on disability.

  Marge Simpson : [shocked]  Have you lost your mind!, have you thought about your health or your appearance?

  Homer Simpson : So that's it?, isn't it Marge!... .looks... .I didn't know you were so shallow.

  Marge Simpson : Oh please, I would love you if you weighed one thousand pounds.

  Homer Simpson : [Interrupting as he shuts the light off]  Beautiful... .good night!

• Homer : [pushing 'Y' on the computer]  Y Y Y Y Y Y Y...

• Homer Simpson : [takes cap out of dryer and puts it on his head]  Mmmmm... I CAN feel three types of softness.

  Lisa Simpson : [from upstairs]  Dad, what are you doing down there?

  Homer Simpson : Washing my fat guy's hat, honey!

• Homer : Hello there, Miss Doesn't-find-me-sexually-attractive-anymore. I just tripled my productivity.

  Marge : Good, good for you.

• Homer Simpson : Hee hee hee. I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas, break, honk. Gas, break, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas.

• [Homer enters the living room and sits at his computer] 

  Homer Simpson : 8:58. First time I've ever been early for work. Except for all those "Daylight Savings" days. Lousy farmers.

  [reading] 

  Homer Simpson : "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key? I see "Esc," "Ctrl," and "Pg Up." There doesn't seem to be any "Any" key! Ooh. All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a tab.

  [presses the "Tab" key and holds his cup up to the computer case. The programming starts] 

  Homer Simpson : Oop! No time for that now! The computer started!

  [reading] 

  Homer Simpson : "Check core temperature? Yes/no." Yes.

  [types "Yes"] 

  Homer Simpson : [reading]  "Core temperature normal." Hmm. Not too shabby.

  [reading] 

  Homer Simpson : "Vent radioactive gas?" N O.

  [types "No"] 

  Homer Simpson : [reading]  "Venting prevents explos-i-on."

  [laughs] 

  Homer Simpson : Whoo.

  [scratches his head] 

  Homer Simpson : This is hard. Where's my tab? Okay, then. Yes.

  [types "Yes"] 

  Homer Simpson : Vent the stupid gas.

• [Homer's computer is flashing the words "explosion imminent"] 

  Homer Simpson : "Explosion imminent?"

  [scrolls back through text, sees gas wasn't vented] 

  Homer Simpson : Oh my God! The plant's gonna explode!

  [at the nuclear power plant, where Lenny and Carl are walking past the rumbling tank] 

  Carl : Hey, that thing's going kaka cuckoo.

  Lenny : Who cares? It's Homer's problem.

  Homer Simpson : Wait, I know:

  [types] 

  Homer Simpson : vent gas.

  [reads screen] 

  Homer Simpson : "Pressure too high?" "Tank must be shut down manually?"

  [to drinking bird] 

  Homer Simpson : Oh, stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge!

  [he briefly yanks it] 

  Homer Simpson : Oh, who am I kidding? This is all my fault!

• Bart Simpson : Hey Dad, you promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside.

  Homer Simpson : Nuts to that I'm going to the movies.

• [Homer is about to leave his house to save the nuclear power plant] 

  Homer Simpson : Fat don't fail me now!

  Homer Simpson : [he hops in his car, but the tires get popped]  D'oh!

  Homer Simpson : [tries to use a skateboard, but it's broken in half]  Oh.

• Salesman at The Vast Waistband : Many of our clients find pants confining, so we offer a range of alternatives for the ample gentleman; ponchos, muumuus, capes, jumpsuits, unisheets, muslin body rolls, academic and judicial robes.

  Homer Simpson : I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with the muumuu.