Lisa Simpson: [Homer receives an award for using his fat body to block a toxic vent] I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.
Bart Simpson: Yeah, and I think it's ironic that for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic gas...
Marge Simpson: Bart!
Ralph Wiggum: [to Lisa] I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
[Homer tries to call the nuclear power plant]
Woman on Phone: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
Jimbo Jones: [about Homer] I hear that guy's ass has its own congressman!
[Homer arrives at a movie theater]
Homer Simpson: One for "Honk", please.
Ticket Dealer: Oh. Gee, uh, just a minute. I have to check with the manager.
Ticket Dealer: [to manager, referring to Homer] That overweight guy wants to see the movie.
Manager: I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid our facilities are not equipped to meet your needs.
Homer Simpson: What are you talking about?
Manager: What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage couldn't possibly fit in our seats.
Homer Simpson: I can sit in the aisle.
Manager: I'm afraid that would violate the fire code.
Bystander: Hey, Fatty! I've got a movie for ya: A Fridge Too Far!
[the rapidly-assembling crowd laughs]
Homer Simpson: Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity! I just came here tosee Honk If You're Horny in peace.
Manager: Sir, if you'd just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.
Homer Simpson: This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes! The overweight individuals in this country are just as smart and talented and hard working as everybody else. And they're going to make their voices heard! All they need is a leader.
Bart Simpson: When I grow up, I'm gonna be a lardo on workman's comp, just like Dad.
[dissolve to Bart's fantasy]
Bart Simpson: I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
Mr. Burns: [Trying to get a 300-lb. Homer to do sit-ups to lose weight] One... one... one! Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction!
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
Mr. Burns: Not now. There's enough time for the frozen pudding wagon later.
Man: [looking at the roof of the ice cream truck after it flipped over] I can't choose without the pictures.
Homer Simpson: [at his computer workstation] "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key?
[Smithers raps on the men's room door at the power plant]
Smithers: Come on, Simpson! Open up, we know you're in there!
[no answer; Smithers motions to two goons, who break the door down; the bathroom is apparently empty, but Smithers looks carefully, and points to a stall]
Smithers: Hmm... that one.
[the goons kick open the stall, revealing Homer standing in the toilet bowl]
Homer Simpson: Someone's in here!
[as the goons drag him out]
Homer Simpson: NO! NOOOOOO! AH! NO! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF...! NOOOOO!
Smithers: Boy, I never saw a man so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, what's the name of this gastropod?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of your chair moisteners from Sector 7-G.
Homer Simpson: [takes cap out of dryer and puts it on his head] Mmmmm... I CAN feel three types of softness.
Lisa Simpson: [from upstairs] Dad, what are you doing down there?
Homer Simpson: Washing my fat guy's hat, honey!
Dr. Nick: Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes.
Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?
[trying to get out of work]
Homer: Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this?
Carl: He's at home on disability.
Lenny: Yeah, he got injured on the job and they just sent him home with pay. It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity.
Homer: Stupidity, eh?
Homer: Hello there, Miss Doesn't-find-me-sexually-attractive-anymore. I just tripled my productivity.
Marge: Good, good for you.
[after leaving his home workstation to go to the movies, Homer comes back, energized]
Homer Simpson: I'll prove to them that I'm not lazy and irresponsible!
[he looks at the screen, which is beeping urgently, and reads "Core Meltdown Imminent"]
Homer Simpson: [scared] Marge? Lisa?
Homer Simpson: Flanders?
[Homer is walking down the street, hitchhiking with a sign that says "Give me a ride or everybody dies"]
Homer Simpson: [a car approaches Homer] Hey, buddy, you gotta slow your car down and let me in, because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere! Because there could be some poison gas, I... I mean there's really going to be poison gas, and everybody's going to be dead, especially me!
Homer Simpson: [the driver takes off] D'oh!
Homer Simpson: [an ice cream truck approaches Homer] Hey, buddy, you got to let me in your car...
Ice Cream Truck Driver: [frightened] Take anything you want, man! Take it all!
Mr. Burns: [leading the employee calisthenics program] Raise your left hock! Aerate! Raise your right hock! Aerate! Let's go! I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts, and less Franklin Roosevelts!
[Homer's computer is flashing the words "explosion imminent"]
Homer Simpson: "Explosion imminent?"
[scrolls back through text, sees gas wasn't vented]
Homer Simpson: Oh my God! The plant's gonna explode!
[at the nuclear power plant, where Lenny and Carl are walking past the rumbling tank]
Carl: Hey, that thing's going kaka cuckoo.
Lenny: Who cares? It's Homer's problem.
Homer Simpson: Wait, I know:
Homer Simpson: vent gas.
Homer Simpson: "Pressure too high?" "Tank must be shut down manually?"
[to drinking bird]
Homer Simpson: Oh, stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge!
[he briefly yanks it]
Homer Simpson: Oh, who am I kidding? This is all my fault!