Red Dwarf (TV Series)

The Last Day (1989)

Chris Barrie: Rimmer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rimmer : [talking about Kryton's final 24 hours]  At least he gets 24 hours notice. All the notice most of us get is "Mind that bus. What bus? Splat!"

• Rimmer : I used to be in the Samaritans.

  Lister : I know. For one morning.

  Rimmer : I couldn't take any more.

  Lister : I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number. He only phoned up for the cricket scores.

• Kryten : [waking up after a night of partying]  Oh, my goodness... Oh... my head. Oh, what happened to me? Damage control report. Oh! Dehydration level, 45%. Recall of previous evening, 2%. Embarrassment factor, 91%! Advised repair schedule; reboot startup disc, offline for 36 hours and replace head. Boy! What a night!

  [others groan and start to wake] 

  Kryten : Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?

  Rimmer : Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic.

  Lister : We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space... can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?

  The Cat : Hey! It's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the police woman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!

• Kryten : Mum. I never had a mum.

  The Cat : It's all right, buddy. It's all part of being drunk. You've been through the happy stage. Now you're going through the melancholy stage.

  Kryten : I wish I had a mum.

  Holly : I never had a mum, neither.

  Rimmer : Well, you can all have mine. Everyone else did.

• Lister : No offense, Rimmer, but that is completely wacko-jacko.

  Rimmer : Everyone's entitled to their beliefs, Lister. I never agreed with my parents' religion, but I wouldn't dream of knocking it.

  Lister : What were they?

  Rimmer : Seventh Day Advent Hop-ists. They believed that every Sunday should be spent hopping. They would hop to church, hop through the service, then hop back home again. I tell you, Sunday lunchtimes were a nightmare - we all had to wear sou'westers and asbestos underpants. You see, they took the Bible literally - Adam and Eve, the snake and the apple, took it word for word. Unfortunately, their version had a misprint. It was all based on 1 Corinthians 13: "Faith, Hop and Charity, and the greatest of these is Hop."

• [everyone is drunk] 

  Lister : What are you saying, Rimmer?

  Rimmer : I'm saying that there is a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister.

  Lister : Hey. I'm pouring me heart out here.

  Rimmer : How many toes have you got?

  Lister : Ten.

  The Cat : Yeah, on both feet.

  Lister : Altogether.

  Kryten : They're not webbed or anything are they?

  Lister : Look, they weren't related, all right?

  [Kryten falls off his chair] 

• [the crew are throwing a farewell party for Kryten] 

  Rimmer : Enough of all this chitter-chatter, let the banquet begin!

  Kryten : But I don't eat.

  Holly : I've knocked up a special mechanoid menu for you.

  [Rimmer hands Kryton a menu] 

  Kryten : There's so much to choose from!

  Rimmer : Sir, may I recommend the Barium Hydrochloride Salad Nicoise followed by the Helium-3 Isotopes de la Maison, and then perhaps a small Radioactive Fruit Salad for pudding.

• Lister : The point is what are we going to do about Kryten?

  Rimmer : What can we do? He's pre-preprogrammed to self-destruct.

  Lister : We can make sure he goes out with a bang, give him one last big smegging night to remember!

  Rimmer : How do we do that? He doesn't like doing anything. His idea of a good time is for us all to go up to the laundry room and fold some sheets.

  [Impersonating Kryten] 

  Rimmer : "Fun? Ah, yes, the employment of time in a profitless and non-practical way."

  Lister : Hey, I don't know much. But what I do know is how to throw a good time.