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"Red Dwarf" The Last Day (TV Episode 1989) Poster

(TV Series)

(1989)

Quotes

Lister: How can you just lie back and accept it?

Kryten: Oh, it's not the end for me, sir, it's just the beginning. I have served my human masters, now I can look forward to my reward in silicon heaven.

Lister: [Stunned pause] Silicon WHAT?

Kryten: Surely you've heard of silicon heaven?

Lister: Has it got anything to do with being stuck opposite Brigitte Nielsen in a packed lift?

Kryten: No, sir. It's the electronic afterlife. It's the gathering place for the souls of all electronic equipment. Robots, toasters, calculators. It's our final resting place.

Lister: I don't mean to say anything out of place here, Kryten, but that is completely whacko Jacko. There is no such thing as 'Silicon Heaven'.

Kryten: Then where do all the calculators go?

Lister: They don't go anywhere. They just die.

Kryten: Surely you believe that God is in all things? Aren't you a pantheist?

Lister: Yeah, but I just don't think it applies to kitchen utensils. I'm not a FRYING pantheist. Machines do not have souls. Computers and calculators do not have an afterlife. You don't get hairdryers with tiny little wings, sitting on clouds and playing harps.

Kryten: But of course you do. For is it not written in the Electronic Bible, "The Iron shall lie down with the Lamp".

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Kryten: My goodness. I do believe I'm drunk. I suddenly feel the need... to strut my funky stuff.

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Kryten: Is this the human quality you call friendship?

Lister: Don't give me any of that Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning.

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[to Hudzen - Kryten's larger, more powerful, scarier replacement]

Lister: He's not leaving. You are.

[pause]

Lister: Did I just say that?

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Rimmer: I used to be in the Samaritans.

Lister: I know. For one morning.

Rimmer: I couldn't take any more.

Lister: I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number. He only phoned up for the cricket scores.

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[everyone is drunk]

Lister: What are you saying, Rimmer?

Rimmer: I'm saying that there is a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister.

Lister: Hey. I'm pouring me heart out here.

Rimmer: How many toes have you got?

Lister: Ten.

The Cat: Yeah, on both feet.

Lister: Altogether.

Kryten: They're not webbed or anything are they?

Lister: Look, they weren't related, all right?

[Kryten falls off his chair]

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Lister: Kryten 2X4B 523P? Is that your full name?

Kryten: Yes, but I don't like the 2X4B. Such a dorky middle name. Then again, I knew an android who's middle name was 2Q4B.

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Kryten: At 0700 hours tomorrow morning my shutdown disk will be activated and all mental and physical operations will cease.

Lister: Then what?

Kryten: I don't know, maybe I'll get a job as disk jockey.

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Kryten: Mum. I never had a mum.

The Cat: It's all right, buddy. It's all part of being drunk. You've been through the happy stage. Now you're going through the melancholy stage.

Kryten: I wish I had a mum.

Holly: I never had a mum, neither.

Rimmer: Well, you can all have mine. Everyone else did.

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Lister: No offense, Rimmer, but that is completely wacko-jacko.

Rimmer: Everyone's entitled to their beliefs, Lister. I never agreed with my parents' religion, but I wouldn't dream of knocking it.

Lister: What were they?

Rimmer: Seventh Day Advent Hop-ists. They believed that every Sunday should be spent hopping. They would hop to church, hop through the service, then hop back home again. I tell you, Sunday lunchtimes were a nightmare - we all had to wear sou'westers and asbestos underpants. You see, they took the Bible literally - Adam and Eve, the snake and the apple, took it word for word. Unfortunately, their version had a misprint. It was all based on 1 Corinthians 13: "Faith, Hop and Charity, and the greatest of these is Hop."

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[the crew are throwing a farewell party for Kryten]

Rimmer: Enough of all this chitter-chatter, let the banquet begin!

Kryten: But I don't eat.

Holly: I've knocked up a special mechanoid menu for you.

[Rimmer hands Kryton a menu]

Kryten: There's so much to choose from!

Rimmer: Sir, may I recommend the Barium Hydrochloride Salad Nicoise followed by the Helium-3 Isotopes de la Maison, and then perhaps a small Radioactive Fruit Salad for pudding.

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Rimmer: [talking about Kryton's final 24 hours] At least he gets 24 hours notice. All the notice most of us get is "Mind that bus. What bus? Splat!"

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Kryten: [waking up after a night of partying] Oh, my goodness... Oh... my head. Oh, what happened to me? Damage control report. Oh! Dehydration level, 45%. Recall of previous evening, 2%. Embarrassment factor, 91%! Advised repair schedule; reboot startup disc, offline for 36 hours and replace head. Boy! What a night!

[others groan and start to wake]

Kryten: Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?

Rimmer: Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic.

Lister: We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space... can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?

The Cat: Hey! It's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the police woman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!

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Kryten: [Kryten has sampled Holly's Android Home Brew] It's got a nice kick to it - sort of a mix of Vimto and Liquid Nitrogen!

Holly: Ere! Have you been looking in my recipe book!

Kryten: Would anyone else like some?

Holly: Oh, no! It's lethal to humans!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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