House M.D. (TV Series)

Occam's Razor (2004)

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House

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Quotes 

• Dr. Gregory House : [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area]  Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Short, sweet, grab a file.

  Dr. Gregory House : This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.

  Dr. Gregory House : [House turns to face Dr. Cuddy]  That is true, isn't it?

  Dr. Gregory House : [He turns back to the crowd]  But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And, no, I do not have a pain management problem. I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?

  [nobody moves] 

  Dr. Gregory House : And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?

  [Everybody raises their hands] 

  Dr. Gregory House : Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.

• Dr. James Wilson : That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.

  Dr. Gregory House : Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.

• Dr. Gregory House : You think it's gonna come out on its own? Are we talking bigger than a breadbasket? 'Cause, actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem: it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff? You're gonna rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops.

  Jerry Morris : How did you...?

  Dr. Gregory House : We've been here for half an hour. You haven't sat down; that tells me its location. You haven't told me what it is; that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdie carved under your arm; that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I figure it's not hemorrhoids. I've been a doctor twenty years, you're not gonna surprise me.

  Jerry Morris : It's an MP3 player.

  [pause] 

  Dr. Gregory House : Is it... is it because of the size, or the shape, or is it the pounding bass line?

• Dr. Gregory House : Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows? Could be anything.

• Dr. Allison Cameron : Men should grow up.

  Dr. Gregory House : Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.

• Dr. Eric Foreman : I think your argument is specious.

  Dr. Gregory House : I think your tie is ugly.

• Dr. Gregory House : It was so perfect. It was beautiful.

  Dr. James Wilson : Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.

  Dr. Gregory House : And triteness kicks us in the nuts!

• Robert Merrell : How can you treat someone without meeting them?

  Dr. Gregory House : It's easy if you don't give a crap about him.