Futurama (TV Series)

Xmas Story (1999)

Billy West: Philip J. Fry, Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth, Dr. Zoidberg, Conan O'Brien's Announcer, Tree Voice

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bender : I'm plenty generous. What about that time I gave blood.

  Fry : Whose blood?

  Bender : Some guy's.

• Santa Claus Robot : You have all been very naughty! Very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you.

  Dr. Zoidberg : A pogo stick!

• Dr. Zoidberg : What's this? A card from my cousin Zoidfarb?

  [reads card] 

  Dr. Zoidberg : Heh, heh. Instead of "Claus," he writes "Claws." Now that's humorous! Today's comedians could learn from this card.

• [singing] 

  Amy Wong : He knows when you are sleeping.

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : He knows when you're on the can.

  Leela : He'll hunt you down and blast your ass / From here to Pakistan.

  Dr. Zoidberg : Oh...

  Hermes Conrad : You better not breathe / You better not move

  Bender : You're better off dead, / I'm tellin' you, dude.

  Fry : Santa Claus is gunning you down!

• Fry : [the Planet Express crew is relaxing at the ski lodge]  It really puts you in the Christmas mood.

  Bender : What-mas?

  Fry : Christmas! You know, X-M-A-S.

  Leela : Oh, you mean *Xmas*! You must be using an archaic pronunciation, like when you say "ask" instead of "axe".

• Fry : This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened.

  Leela : Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out.

• Dr. Zoidberg : You, a bobsledder? This I gotta see.

  Hermes Conrad : Listen, you filthy crab. A thousand years ago there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsledders.

  Fry : Yup, I remember. They came last in the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.

  Hermes Conrad : A true inspiration for the children.

• Leela : Fry's outside? He's in great danger!

  Dr. Zoidberg : Why?

  Leela : I'm telling you why! Because Santa Claus is coming to town!

• [Fry and co. are being terrorized by the robot Santa Claus] 

  Fry : Please let us live. We'll put out milk and cookies for you.

  Robot Santa : You *dare* bribe Santa. I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds.

• Fry : All right, bird. You thought you could match me in a battle of wits, but you have just met your equal.

• Fry : [walks out of the pet store with the parrot he got Leela]  Well I spent every penny I had, but Leela'a going to love you

  [the parrot squawks] 

  Fry : Hey you're quite the talker aren't you?

  [the parrot squawks again] 

  Fry : Shut the hell up!

  [the parrot bites his nose causing him to drop the cage and it gets out of the cage and flies away] 

  Fry : Stupid bird, I know where you live!

  [points at the empty cage] 

• Fry : I feel like a rat. Here I am whining like a pig while all along Leela is as lonely as a frog.

• Fry : Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : [addressing Hermes]  You should be ashamed of yourself, Fry. You'd have to be blind not to notice Leela's a Cyclops.

  Hermes Conrad : Frys over the there, Mon!

  [Points in Fry's direction] 

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Oh!

• Santa Claus Robot : Fry and Leela, you've both been very naughty! I checked my list!

  Fry : Well, check it twice!

  Santa Claus Robot : I perform over fifty mega-checks per second!

• Fry : I am going to get you so many lizards!

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Perhaps some skiing will help us forget the moldy old antics of Conan O'Brien.

  Fry : Yeah!

  Leela : Great idea!

  Dr. Zoidberg : One can only hope.

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : [explaining why palm trees are used as Xmas trees]  Pine trees have been extinct for 800 years, Fry. Gone the way of the poodle and your primitive notions of modesty.

  [disrobes, standing completely naked] 

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Ah. Brisk.

• Fry : [after Santa blows up the parrot he bought for Leela]  Your gift may need some assembly.

• [Fry and Leela are skiing] 

  Fry : Look out! We're heading straight for those trees!

  Leela : Relax. Trees down.

  Automatic Trees : Trees down!

  [the trees lay down and disappear into the snow] 

  Fry : Hey, cool! But what do you say if you want the trees up?

  Automatic Trees : Trees up!

  [a tree flips back up, scooping Fry into the air. As Leela skis on, Fry is jammed crotch-first onto the upraised tree] 

  Fry : [strained voice]  Trees down.

  Automatic Trees : Trees down!