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"Futurama" Xmas Story (TV Episode 1999) Poster

(TV Series)

(1999)

Quotes

Bender: I'm plenty generous. What about that time I gave blood.

Fry: Whose blood?

Bender: Some guy's.

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[at a shelter for homeless robots]

Linda the Newsanchor: Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies. And there'd have to be a lot of them.

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Dr. Zoidberg: What's this? A card from my cousin Zoidfarb?

[reads card]

Dr. Zoidberg: Heh, heh. Instead of "Claus," he writes "Claws." Now that's humorous! Today's comedians could learn from this card.

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[singing]

Amy Wong: He knows when you are sleeping.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: He knows when you're on the can.

Leela: He'll hunt you down and blast your ass / From here to Pakistan.

Dr. Zoidberg: Oh...

Hermes Conrad: You better not breathe / You better not move

Bender: You're better off dead, / I'm tellin' you, dude.

Fry: Santa Claus is gunning you down!

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Santa Claus Robot: You have all been very naughty! Very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you.

Dr. Zoidberg: A pogo stick!

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Bender: Let's face it, comedy is a dead art form. Now tragedy, ha ha ha, that's funny.

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Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened.

Leela: Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out.

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Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [addressing Hermes] You should be ashamed of yourself, Fry. You'd have to be blind not to notice Leela's a Cyclops.

Hermes Conrad: Frys over the there, Mon!

[Points in Fry's direction]

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh!

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Fry: I feel like a rat. Here I am whining like a pig while all along Leela is as lonely as a frog.

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Santa Claus Robot: Your mistletoe is no match for my T.O.W. missile!

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[Bender is snowboarding]

Man: Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding off the trail.

Bender: Lick my frozen metal ass.

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Dr. Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? This I gotta see.

Hermes Conrad: Listen, you filthy crab. A thousand years ago there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsledders.

Fry: Yup, I remember. They came last in the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.

Hermes Conrad: A true inspiration for the children.

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Santa Claus Robot: I'll be back when you least expect it: Next Xmas!

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[Fry and co. are being terrorized by the robot Santa Claus]

Fry: Please let us live. We'll put out milk and cookies for you.

Robot Santa: You *dare* bribe Santa. I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds.

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Conan O'Brien: Listen, I may have lost my freakishly long legs in the war of 2012, but I have one thing you'll never have: A SOUL.

Bender: [Scoffs] Pffft.

Conan O'Brien: And freckles.

Bender: [Cries] WAHHH.

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Santa Claus Robot: Ho ho ho! It's time to get jolly on your naughty asses!

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Santa Claus Robot: Fry and Leela, you've both been very naughty! I checked my list!

Fry: Well, check it twice!

Santa Claus Robot: I perform over fifty mega-checks per second!

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Santa Claus Robot: I'm going to tear off your skin like wrapping paper and deck the halls with your guts!

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Fry: I am going to get you so many lizards!

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Tinny Tim: It's humans. Shall we mug them, robot sir?

Bender: No, wait. I know these guys. They got nothing.

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Leela: Fry's outside? He's in great danger!

Dr. Zoidberg: Why?

Leela: I'm telling you why! Because Santa Claus is coming to town!

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Fry: [the Planet Express crew is relaxing at the ski lodge] It really puts you in the Christmas mood.

Bender: What-mas?

Fry: Christmas! You know, X-M-A-S.

Leela: Oh, you mean *Xmas*! You must be using an archaic pronunciation, like when you say "ask" instead of "axe".

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Fry: Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.

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Leela: Watch out! His belly is shaking like a bowl full of nitroglycerin!

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Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [explaining why palm trees are used as Xmas trees] Pine trees have been extinct for 800 years, Fry. Gone the way of the poodle and your primitive notions of modesty.

[disrobes, standing completely naked]

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Ah. Brisk.

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Fry: [after Santa blows up the parrot he bought for Leela] Your gift may need some assembly.

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[Fry and Leela are skiing]

Fry: Look out! We're heading straight for those trees!

Leela: Relax. Trees down.

Automatic Trees: Trees down!

[the trees lay down and disappear into the snow]

Fry: Hey, cool! But what do you say if you want the trees up?

Automatic Trees: Trees up!

[a tree flips back up, scooping Fry into the air. As Leela skis on, Fry is jammed crotch-first onto the upraised tree]

Fry: [strained voice] Trees down.

Automatic Trees: Trees down!

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Bender: [singing] On the fourth day of Xmas, I stole from that lady/

Homeless Robot #1: Four family photos/

Tinny Tim: Three jars of pennies/

Homeless Robot #2: Two former husbands/

Bender: And a slipper on a shoe tree/

[tosses slipper away]

Bender: Yep.

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Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Perhaps some skiing will help us forget the moldy old antics of Conan O'Brien.

Fry: Yeah!

Leela: Great idea!

Dr. Zoidberg: One can only hope.

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Fry: All right, bird. You thought you could match me in a battle of wits, but you have just met your equal.

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Conan O'Brien: So, people are getting worried about this Y2K problem, huh?

Bender: No, they fixed it 900 years ago.

Conan O'Brien: Just bear with me, sir. Anyway, I'm walking to work this morning...

Bender: I doubt it!

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Santa Claus Robot: Your mistletoe is no match for my *tow* missile.

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Bender: Nothing like a warm fire and a super soaker of fine cognac.

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Bender: Ah, Xmas Eve. Another pointless day where I accomplish nothing.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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