Bender: I'm plenty generous. What about that time I gave blood.
Fry: Whose blood?
Bender: Some guy's.
[at a shelter for homeless robots]
Linda the Newsanchor: Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies. And there'd have to be a lot of them.
Dr. Zoidberg: What's this? A card from my cousin Zoidfarb?
Dr. Zoidberg: Heh, heh. Instead of "Claus," he writes "Claws." Now that's humorous! Today's comedians could learn from this card.
Amy Wong: He knows when you are sleeping.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: He knows when you're on the can.
Leela: He'll hunt you down and blast your ass / From here to Pakistan.
Dr. Zoidberg: Oh...
Hermes Conrad: You better not breathe / You better not move
Bender: You're better off dead, / I'm tellin' you, dude.
Fry: Santa Claus is gunning you down!
Santa Claus Robot: You have all been very naughty! Very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you.
Dr. Zoidberg: A pogo stick!
Bender: Let's face it, comedy is a dead art form. Now tragedy, ha ha ha, that's funny.
Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened.
Leela: Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [addressing Hermes] You should be ashamed of yourself, Fry. You'd have to be blind not to notice Leela's a Cyclops.
Hermes Conrad: Frys over the there, Mon!
[Points in Fry's direction]
Santa Claus Robot: Your mistletoe is no match for my T.O.W. missile!
[Bender is snowboarding]
Man: Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding off the trail.
Bender: Lick my frozen metal ass.
Dr. Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? This I gotta see.
Hermes Conrad: Listen, you filthy crab. A thousand years ago there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsledders.
Fry: Yup, I remember. They came last in the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.
Hermes Conrad: A true inspiration for the children.
Santa Claus Robot: I'll be back when you least expect it: Next Xmas!
[Fry and co. are being terrorized by the robot Santa Claus]
Fry: Please let us live. We'll put out milk and cookies for you.
Robot Santa: You *dare* bribe Santa. I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds.
Conan O'Brien: Listen, I may have lost my freakishly long legs in the war of 2012, but I have one thing you'll never have: A SOUL.
Bender: [Scoffs] Pffft.
Conan O'Brien: And freckles.
Bender: [Cries] WAHHH.
Santa Claus Robot: Ho ho ho! It's time to get jolly on your naughty asses!
Santa Claus Robot: Fry and Leela, you've both been very naughty! I checked my list!
Fry: Well, check it twice!
Santa Claus Robot: I perform over fifty mega-checks per second!
Santa Claus Robot: I'm going to tear off your skin like wrapping paper and deck the halls with your guts!
Tinny Tim: It's humans. Shall we mug them, robot sir?
Bender: No, wait. I know these guys. They got nothing.
Leela: Fry's outside? He's in great danger!
Dr. Zoidberg: Why?
Leela: I'm telling you why! Because Santa Claus is coming to town!
Fry: [the Planet Express crew is relaxing at the ski lodge] It really puts you in the Christmas mood.
Fry: Christmas! You know, X-M-A-S.
Leela: Oh, you mean *Xmas*! You must be using an archaic pronunciation, like when you say "ask" instead of "axe".
Fry: I feel like a rat. Here I am whining like a pig while all along Leela is as lonely as a frog.
Fry: Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.
Leela: Watch out! His belly is shaking like a bowl full of nitroglycerin!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [explaining why palm trees are used as Xmas trees] Pine trees have been extinct for 800 years, Fry. Gone the way of the poodle and your primitive notions of modesty.
[disrobes, standing completely naked]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Ah. Brisk.
Fry: [after Santa blows up the parrot he bought for Leela] Your gift may need some assembly.
Bender: [singing] On the fourth day of Xmas, I stole from that lady/
Homeless Robot #1: Four family photos/
Tinny Tim: Three jars of pennies/
Homeless Robot #2: Two former husbands/
Bender: And a slipper on a shoe tree/
[tosses slipper away]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Perhaps some skiing will help us forget the moldy old antics of Conan O'Brien.
Leela: Great idea!
Dr. Zoidberg: One can only hope.
Fry: All right, bird. You thought you could match me in a battle of wits, but you have just met your equal.
Conan O'Brien: So, people are getting worried about this Y2K problem, huh?
Bender: No, they fixed it 900 years ago.
Conan O'Brien: Just bear with me, sir. Anyway, I'm walking to work this morning...
Bender: I doubt it!
Santa Claus Robot: Your mistletoe is no match for my *tow* missile.
Bender: Nothing like a warm fire and a super soaker of fine cognac.
Bender: Ah, Xmas Eve. Another pointless day where I accomplish nothing.
[Fry and Leela are skiing]
Fry: Look out! We're heading straight for those trees!
Leela: Relax. Trees down.
Automatic Trees: Trees down!
[the trees lay down and disappear into the snow]
Fry: Hey, cool! But what do you say if you want the trees up?
Automatic Trees: Trees up!
[a tree flips back up, scooping Fry into the air. As Leela skis on, Fry is jammed crotch-first onto the upraised tree]
Fry: [strained voice] Trees down.
Automatic Trees: Trees down!