Small Soldiers (1998)

David Cross: Irwin Wayfair

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Quotes 

• Irwin Wayfair : We can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous.

  Larry Benson : How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard, the materials are standard... The mechanicals are standard. Even the... Oh.

  Irwin Wayfair : What's "Oh"?

  Larry Benson : What?

  Irwin Wayfair : You just said "Oh."

  Larry Benson : No, l said "Oh."

  Irwin Wayfair : "Oh" like "Something interesting" or "We're screwed"?

  Larry Benson : No. l mean, hey, whoa, oh... Forget the "Oh". l'll go to legal to start on the countersuit.

  Irwin Wayfair : The chips! That's the "Oh."! These microprocessing chips. What do they do and where did you get them from?

  Larry Benson : They microprocess. And they come from the land of l Saved Your Job.

  Irwin Wayfair : [as Irwin checking the origins of the chips in the computer]  They were designed for the Defense Department. You put munitions chips in toys?

• Gil Mars : [while watching video of the Commando Elite]  hey, wait, wait, wait a minute! Hold on, hold on, wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Can they uh, can they really do that?

  Larry Benson : Do what?

  Gil Mars : The thing where he punches his way out of the box.

  Larry Benson : No.

  Gil Mars : I didn't think so.

  Larry Benson : There's a disclaimer. I mean, legal says we're completely covered.

  Gil Mars : You know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials that show 4x4 trucks parking at the top of Mt. Rushmore and parking on top of Abraham Lincoln's head. OK? I'm sick of shampoo commercials that try to convince women they can look like Claudia Schiffer after one cycle of rinse and repeat. What if these toys actually could talk? What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass? I'm talkin' about toys that are so smart, when kids play with 'em, they play back. Toys in short, gentlemen, that actually do what they do in the commercials.

  Irwin Wayfair : Well that's an interesting idea.

  Gil Mars : Forget about this batteries-not-included crap. We're gonna stick in a lifetime GloboTech lithium cell. Keep these things around forever. That'll piss off the guys at Eveready.

  Larry Benson : Yeah. Hey, how's this for a slogan: The Commando Elite. Anything else is just a toy.

  Gil Mars : Everything else is just a toy.

  Larry Benson : Th-th-That's good too.

  Irwin Wayfair : Uh, sir? Uh, you know, that kind of computing power doesn't really seem feasible right now, and...

  Larry Benson : Irwin. Irwin. We're members of the Globotech family. Surely we can hunt down the technology.

  Gil Mars : We can make missiles that can hunt down one unlucky bastard 7,000 miles away and stick a nuclear warhead right up his ass. I don't think we're gonna have a problem with this, these guys are soldiers right. And what do soldiers need?

  Irwin Wayfair : Hats?

  Larry Benson : Cam-cam- camouflage

  Gil Mars : Ms. Kegel?

  Ms. Kegel : Enemies, sir.

  Gil Mars : Enemies. See,

  [picks up gorgonize cutouts of ocula and insaniac] 

  Gil Mars : These hideous, ugly freaks-- these guys are the enemy. And our guys have to seek 'em out and vaporize 'em.

  Irwin Wayfair : Well, no they're not.. sir? Um, don't you think that's um a bit violent?

  Gil Mars : Exactly. So don't call it violence. Call it action. Kids love action. It sells. Besides, what're you worried about? They're only toys.

• Christy Fimple : Sixteen? Where'd they get sixteen from?

  Irwin Wayfair : Seven Gorgonites and nine people

• Ralph, Clean Room Technician : The chips are a little sensitive to EMP.

  Irwin Wayfair : EMP?

  Ralph, Clean Room Technician : Electomagnetic Pulse. As in the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt that the toy industry has become quite that competitive.

• Gil Mars : Excuse me, did you say "learn"?

  Irwin Wayfair : [stuttering]  Learn, learn... yeah

  Gil Mars : ...Next.

• Larry Benson : Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.

  Irwin Wayfair : l doubt l'll have one in the junk drawer.

  Phil Fimple : Nuclear warhead? What are you talking about?

  Larry Benson : The chips aren't shielded against an EMP. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.

  Irwin Wayfair : That's why the military never used them.

  Stuart Abernathy : What kind of moron would put military technology in toys?

  Irwin Wayfair : [pointing at Larry]  Well that would be Gizmo over here.

• Gil Mars : Now these guys are soldiers, right? And what do soldiers need?

  Irwin Wayfair : Hats?

• [first lines] 

  Irwin Wayfair : He's here! He's early! He's not supposed to be here now. He said... okay, here's the copy of... check.

  Larry Benson : Pretty exciting, huh?

  Irwin Wayfair : I don't know. I think it's kinda sad, I mean you know Heartland Toys has a long tradition of bringing joy to kids, ya know? Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that. He's just gonna care about profits. I think it sucks.

  Larry Benson : Welcome to Earth, Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.

  Irwin Wayfair : Yeah, well the real world sucks.

• Larry Benson : Uh, Mr. Mars, hi. I just wanna assure to you that i... . I take full responsibility for all of this.

  Gil Mars : Yeah, right. Give me that

  [holding severed Major Chip head] 

  Gil Mars : What were we charging for these things?

  Irwin Wayfair : Seventy-nine ninety-five.

  Gil Mars : Tell you what. Add a few zeros to the end of that number and get in touch with our military division. I know some rebels in South America who are gonna find these toys... very entertaining.

• Irwin Wayfair : So, Larry, let me get this straight, you used my password to order surplus military chips that might be dangerous?

  [Air blast's in the room they're in startling Irwin] 

  Larry Benson : Hey, hey, hey, hey! It's okay, it's okay. That's supposed to happen. See? "Clean Room"

  Irwin Wayfair : Right.

  Larry Benson : Clean. Let's just go in. You all right?

  Irwin Wayfair : Yeah, yeah. Mhmm.

  Larry Benson : That's him. That's Ralph. Hi.

  Ralph, Clean Room Technician : Who are you? You don't belong here.

  Larry Benson : I'm Larry Benson. You supplied my division with some microchips.

  Ralph, Clean Room Technician : Oh, yes. Larry Benson. The X 1000. Worked out better than you dreamed, didn't they?

  Larry Benson : Actually there was a little bit of a problem.

  Ralph, Clean Room Technician : Then it's with your software.

  Irwin Wayfair : Uh, I don't think there's a problem with the software, Ralph.

  Ralph, Clean Room Technician : Oh, you don't? The X 1000 is a masterpiece. Imagine a microchip sophisticated enough to control the the guidance systems of ballistic missiles. Imagine it can be used to instantly upgrade any system that it's plugged into. Like a smart drug for machines. Then imagine it can learn.

  Irwin Wayfair : W-what are you talking about? Artificial intelligence?

  Ralph, Clean Room Technician : No. Actual intelligence. It's no wonder those philistines at the Pentagon couldn't appreciate it. One little flaw and they scrap the whole project.

  Irwin Wayfair : Aha!, so there is a flaw in the chips.

  Ralph, Clean Room Technician : Well.. they're a little bit sensitive to E.M.P.

  Irwin Wayfair : E.M.P.? Electromagnetic pulse?

  Ralph, Clean Room Technician : Yeah, you know, the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt even the toy industry has become quite that competitive. They said adequate shielding wasn't cost-effective. Did the Medicis ever tell Michelangelo, ''Sorry Mike, but marble's not really cost effective. Here's a bag of cement'' I think not!

  [sneezes] 

  Irwin Wayfair : Gesundheit.

  Ralph, Clean Room Technician : Thank you.

  Larry Benson : Look, they're really shouldn't be any problem right just 'cause the chips can learn.

  Ralph, Clean Room Technician : Am I not being clear? They can learn within the boundaries of their primary programming. Whatever the core programming, the X 1000 enhances it from within. So if you've got a problem, it's in your software.

• Irwin Wayfair : I can't believe this. This is wrong. This is really wrong. I mean-- you know, this is a-a total perversion of everything I designed these Gorgonites to be.

  Larry Benson : Oh, would you can it Irwin. Come on this is a golden opportunity. If we pull this off, we will have Gil Mars eating out of our hands.

  Ms. Kegel : And by the way, gentlemen, Mr. Mars expects the product to be ready for shipment in three months.

  Larry Benson : Three months?

  Irwin Wayfair : No, no, no, no, no. It takes at least six months. There's product testing, and focus groups...

  Larry Benson : [Interrupting]  Three months is fine. Tell Mr. Mars in three months, everything will be ready.

  Ms. Kegel : All right then. Now, these are your security cards. These will give you unlimited access to all top secret Global-Technology. And these are your individual secret passwords. Please take a moment to memorize them now.

  Irwin Wayfair : [chuckling]  Mines "Gizmo."

  Ms. Kegel : I said secret.

  Irwin Wayfair : Well, but...