Bachelor in Paradise (1961)

Bob Hope: Adam J. Niles

Photos 

Quotes 

• [after entering his house in Paradise] 

  Adam J. Niles : Oh, it's very charming. What do you call this style... early Disneyland?

• [fire department arrives when Niles' washing machine overflows] 

  Fireman : There's no fire?

  Adam J. Niles : Well if I hollered "Soap!" who'd come?

• Adam J. Niles : [after they arrive at the house he's just rented in Paradise]  It would be pink.

  Rosemary Howard : That's not pink. That's "California coral".

  Adam J. Niles : Who thinks up all the names of colors in this country, Tennessee Williams?

• Adam J. Niles : Now, let me see. You'll be my landlady and secretary, and I'll be your tenant and your boss.

  Rosemary Howard : A very involved relationship.

  Adam J. Niles : Yeah. You raise my rent, I'll lower your salary.

  Rosemary Howard : You lower my salary and I'll raise my voice!

• Rosemary Howard : [At a Hawaiian-themed restaurant, watching while the bartender is garnishing an elaborate cocktail]  Is he a bartender or a landscape architect?

  Adam J. Niles : He's an artist! Would you care for a "Scorpion's Kiss"?

  Rosemary Howard : Oh, is that what they call 'em?

  Adam J. Niles : Mm hmm... And this is a "Bikini".

  Rosemary Howard : That's an odd name for a drink: "Bikini".

  Adam J. Niles : That's because there's not much to it, but it hits the right spots.

  Rosemary Howard : [starting to giggle]  Oh. Well, I've had two, and I don't feel a thing.

  Adam J. Niles : Oh, we better get you another one.

  Adam J. Niles : [Calling to the bartender]  Hey, innkeeper, another brace of Bikinis, please.

  Bartender : Sorry, sir, only two to a customer.

  Rosemary Howard : Oh, come on!

  Bartender : Sorry, ma'am. That's a very powerful drink. There's an old Tahitian saying: "Okka noku pama, talla peeno pulla okka".

  Rosemary Howard : Oh... Just what does that old Tahitian mean by that?

  Bartender : Who knows? I'm from San Francisco.

  Adam J. Niles : Loopholes everywhere!

• Adam J. Niles : What do you say we break out of here tonight and let me take you to dinner?

  Rosemary Howard : Thank you, but I have a business appointment.

  Adam J. Niles : Oh... What about tomorrow night? Lonely bachelors should stick together, don't you think?

  Rosemary Howard : Oh, definitely! And if I find one that I think you'd like, I'll let you know, Mr. Adams. Good bye!

• Adam J. Niles : [Narrating the starting lines of his new book into his tape recorder]  "How the Americans Live", Chapter One. The din dawns with the day. Throughout most of the civilized world, the new day is born in a silence so profound, one can imagine he hears the Morning Glory open its petals to greet the rising sun. But hour-conscious, minute-counting time-saving America is blasted from sleep by the explosive screams of the alarm clock radio, which may largely explain the frenetic pace that jangles the nation's nerves throughout the day.

• Adam J. Niles : [hears a schoolbus screech]  Sounds like one of the kids is driving.

• Peter Pickering : Mr Adams is a bachelor?

  Adam J. Niles : Oh, don't worry. It's not catching.

  Peter Pickering : But a bachelor in Paradise... you'll be the only one.

  Adam J. Niles : It should be fun.

• Adam J. Niles : Americans are so accustomed to being told everything, that even at a ballgames, they bring their radios so the announcer can explain what their seeing

• Adam J. Niles : Right now, Herman's probably on a yacht with four beautiful gals. Livin' it up! I hope he's taking notes.

• Rosemary Howard : There are two bedrooms, but only one is furnished.

  Adam J. Niles : One is all a bachelor needs if he works it right.

• Dolores Jynson : I'm - a lonely woman, Jack. So very, *very* lonely.

  Adam J. Niles : Yeah, I'm beginning to see what you mean. Have you ever thought of buying a parakeet? They say tropical fish are fun.

• Adam J. Niles : Now just picture this scene for yourselves, your husband comes home, he walks in the house. He finds candles flickering and the dinner table set for two, soft, romantic music, a bottle of vintage wine chilled to exactly the right temperature, a faint, alluring scent of perfume. The setting is perfect. And then he discovers a woman he's never seen before: beautiful, seductive, exciting. What does he do?

  Camille Quinlaw : I'll kill him!

  Adam J. Niles : No, no. The woman is you!

  Camille Quinlaw : Oh!

  Adam J. Niles : I promise you it'll be an evening you'll always remember. You'll awaken passions you've never known before. I guarantee it'll work.

• Rosemary Howard : Mrs. Brown saw you and Dolores leaving together.

  Adam J. Niles : We could have used her at Pearl Harbor.

• Adam J. Niles : You don't have any of the natural female instinct to deprive a bachelor of his freedom.

• Adam J. Niles : I'm a pussycat.

  Rosemary Howard : From the gossip around here, you're a Tomcat.

• Rosemary Howard : How would you like a full-time secretary?

  Adam J. Niles : What red-blooded American boy wouldn't?

• Rosemary Howard : I'm no longer an employee of Paradise Village Inc.

  Adam J. Niles : You quit!

  Rosemary Howard : I did. I won't work for any man after he fires me.

  Adam J. Niles : Well, I admire your spirit - among other things.

• Rosemary Howard : But most women in Paradise have husbands and children.

  Adam J. Niles : A lot of families get started that way.

• Austin Palfrey : [after Niles testifies in court to his love for Rosemary]  You idiot - you've ruined everything. Now you're just another guy.

  Adam J. Niles : Yeah, and it's about time.

• Peter Pickering : [Along with his sister, Sissy, coming over to meet their new neighbor]  Hi. Who are you?

  Adam J. Niles : I'm Mr. Adams. I'm moving in here.

  Peter Pickering : I'm Peter. I live down there.

  Adam J. Niles : Down where?

  Peter Pickering : I won't tell you. I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

  Sissy 'Mrs. McIntyre' Pickering : Is he a stranger?

  Peter Pickering : [Motioning to his sister, who appears to be about 4 years old]  Sure... This is my sister, Mrs. McIntyre.

  Adam J. Niles : "Mrs." McIntyre? Well, ma'am, how do you do?

  Sissy 'Mrs. McIntyre' Pickering : How do I do what?

  Adam J. Niles : [Making a face]  It's just not my day for women.

• Adam J. Niles : [at supermarket]  Where do you get eggs?

  Floor Man : From chickens!

• Adam J. Niles : Yea, I know that law.. It's called instant poverty. Might as well put me in jail so I can eat.

• Adam J. Niles : I'll need a secretary.

  Austin Palfrey : One ugly secretary.

  Adam J. Niles : One that can type, huh?

• Adam J. Niles : How am I going to live?

  Austin Palfrey : I'll subsidise you. Your rent, and 75 dollars a week.

  Adam J. Niles : 75 dollars? Look, don't go over budget just to save a human life.

  Austin Palfrey : 85, and not a penny more. You can eat oatmeal instead of caviar.

  Adam J. Niles : Yeah, but it tastes terrible with champagne.

• Adam J. Niles : The French women. The mature French woman has elevated the physical act of kissing to artistic level unattained by any other society.

• Austin Palfrey : One more thing, this is America. Not Europe. Our attitude towards our women is different.

  Adam J. Niles : Sex hasn't gone out, has it?

  Austin Palfrey : No, of course not.

  Adam J. Niles : I'd heard it'd been replaced by television.

• Rosemary Howard : If you're so disenchanted with the house Mr. Adams, I'll be happy to tear up the lease.

  Adam J. Niles : Oh, no. Don't do that. It's not a bad little cracker box, at all.

  Rosemary Howard : 100 Million Americans would love to live in this cracker box.

  Adam J. Niles : That would make it crowded, wouldn't?

• Adam J. Niles : During the period from sunup till sundown, the typical American community is completely matriarchal, dominated entirely by females, a no man's land, more foreboding than ancient Scythia, home of the Amazon.

• Dolores Jynson : Can I help you with something else? I mean, I love to do for a man, and Tom doesn't seem that need me that do for him this days.

  Adam J. Niles : Oh!

  Dolores Jynson : Is there something more I can do for you?

• Adam J. Niles : What's the matter? Don't you think I'm worth half a chicken?

  Rosemary Howard : Well, frankly, I haven't thought of you in terms of chickens. In fact, I haven't thought of you, period. Good day.

• Adam J. Niles : Come on! You don't think I'd ask a girl to come up to her own house to see her own etchings.

  Rosemary Howard : Probably, if you thought you could get away with it.

• Dolores Jynson : Tom doesn't find me attractive. He used to, but not anymore.

  Adam J. Niles : That's the trouble with those real-estate men. Once they get you through escrow, they lose interest.

• Adam J. Niles : I'm kind of lonely here myself.

  Dolores Jynson : You are?

  Adam J. Niles : Aha!

  Dolores Jynson : I'm a marvelous cook! I'll make you a breakfast.

  Adam J. Niles : I had breakfast.

  Dolores Jynson : Tomorrow's?

  Adam J. Niles : It'll get cold.

  Dolores Jynson : Well, I'll come over and - heat it up.

• Adam J. Niles : If your mascara runs, you'll discolour your vodka. You better be careful.

• Adam J. Niles : We're conducting a cultural exchange. Daily discussions of life, love, and the pursuit. It seems to have had a bracing effect on the community.

  Rosemary Howard : I understand there's a quite run on girdles lately.

• Adam J. Niles : Well, hello. Come on in, Miss Howard. Or, would you feel safer if I came out?

  Rosemary Howard : Your discussion group will be here soon and there's safety in numbers.

  Adam J. Niles : Not if the numbers are 38-22-34.

• Linda Delavane : Would it be alright if Camille went red, instead of black?

  Adam J. Niles : Well, why red?

  Camille Quinlaw : Well, Leland's crazy about Susan Hayward, and she's a redhead.

  Adam J. Niles : He tells you he is crazy about Susan Howard, that so you won't know how he really feels about Lollobrigida.

• Rosemary Howard : Then there's still a chance that some poor girl may marry you?

  Adam J. Niles : A rich girl will have a better chance.

• Adam J. Niles : You quit?

  Rosemary Howard : I did. I won't work for any man after he fires me.

• Adam J. Niles : It's very attractive. Even the termites seem to like it.

  Rosemary Howard : That's pecky Cypress. It's quite the rage.

• Rosemary Howard : Have you been a bachelor all your life?

  Adam J. Niles : I was engaged once, at the age of seven, but what I thought were the pangs of love turned out to be measles.