I remember reading about this film with its humorous title in the book Monsters in the Movies by John Landis, and I remember the leading actor in it, I was glad when I got the opportunity to watch it. Basically, an occultist, a High Priest (Brendan Donnison) is killed by a motorbike gang with a crossbow during a satanic ritual. In his dying moments, the Satanist curses a motorcycle, filling the petrol tank with his blood, and possessing it with an evil spirit he was summoning. In Birmingham, this motorbike is later bought by biker Nick "Noddy" Oddie (Neil Morrissey) from a Bike Shop Dealer (Terence Budd), he negotiates the high price but lies to his girlfriend Kim (Amanda Noar) about the real amount. Noddy takes it home and fixes the damages with help from Kim and his friend Buzzer (Daniel Peacock). They replace the fuel tank, but Buzzer steals the petrol cap. The following day, Buzzer is found dead after being decapitated. At the scene of the crime, Noddy meets Inspector Cleaver (EastEnders' Michael Elphick) who has pungent garlic breath. That night, Noddy has multiple nightmares about Buzzer. After failing to start the motorbike numerous times during the day, Noddy finally manages to start the bike after it gets dark and goes for a ride. The next day, Noddy and Kim go to a pub. There they encounter the motorbike gang who killed the occultist, and they cause havoc firing the crossbow. Kim is attacked by one of the bikers after declining his advances, and soon a brawl breaks out in the bar between the gang, Kim, and Noddy. During the fight, Noddy is shot by a crossbow bolt. Noddy and Kim get Chinese food. When Kim orders garlic prawns, the bike appears to come to life, it drives off with her. The bike takes her under a bridge, throws her off, and makes advances at her. It only stops when a crucifix around her neck appears, the bike drives back to the pub, where a member of the motorcycle gang attempts to steal it. The bike stabs the leader through the leg with a large metal spike, then launches him. The bike then proceeds to decapitate most of the biker gang, leaving a trail of their heads, with only gang member Roach (Andrew Powell) surviving the attack. Noddy discovers Kim has been taken to hospital. The inspector is there is does not believe her story of the motorbike making advances, but Noddy suspects there is indeed something wrong with the motorbike he bought. Noddy goes to see a Priest (Star Wars' Anthony Daniels), who after initially questioning his story, agrees to accompany him to the garage Noddy keeps the bike. Soon enough, the bike stalls before it can be taken into the sunlight, and the priest's fingers are severed by its brake lever. The priest determines that the bike is possessed and has become a vampire, and decides it needs an exorcism. While recovering in hospital, Kim is given a crucifix and her bed is surrounded by garlic, as it is likely the bike will return for her. The vampire bike telepathically disables the bike Noddy and the priest are riding, so they decide to call a taxi but instead wait for a bus. It is a race against the sun to find the vampire bike before nightfall, when it will be free to roam again. During the exorcism, supernatural events occur around Noddy and the priest. Believing to have successfully vanquished the demon, the priest sprinkles the bike with holy water, which makes the bike angry. It grows spikes and turns a glowing red colour. Noddy steals a police motorcycle and is chased by a police car, while the priest tries to explain the situation to the authorities. Meanwhile, a nurse removes the garlic from around Kim's hospital bed, and soon enough, the vampire bike returns and kills a hospital employee. Kim uses her crucifix to scare the vampire bike away, so it goes after Roach, passing the priest and inspector in the corridor of the hospital. Roach crashes while fleeing, he is killed and his body lands in a coffin. The bike then tries to kill Noddy, but it gets its front wheel stuck in a bridge. Noddy manages to throw the bike into the river. Thinking he is safe, Noddy has a victory cigarette, but behind him, the bike glows red underwater. Noddy sees it and runs away screaming, entering a gymnasium. The bike finds him and starts attacking the gym patrons with its spikes. Noddy bashes the bike, it appears to be dead, and everyone relaxes, until it starts throwing people's limbs in the air. The inspector enters and scares the bike away with his garlicy smell. Noddy is trapped by the bike against a wall, and it attempts to kill him. But Noddy turns on a sun bed, and everyone works together to force the bike into the light, causing it to melt and be destroyed. With the vampire bike defeated, Noddy finally reveals to Kim the price he paid for it, and the priest remarks that they are usually reliable. Back in Noddy's workshop, he accidentally cuts his hand. His blood drips onto the bike's old fuel tank, which springs open. Also starring George Rossi as Chopper, Midge Taylor as First Road Toad, Burt Kwouk as Fu King Owner, and Ed Devereaux as Pub Landlord. Morrissey is likeably sleazy and gives us an insight into his Men Behaving Badly persona a couple of years later, and there is alright support from Elphick as the garlic-breathed detective and Daniels as the helpful priest. It is obviously a ridiculous idea, a motorbike that uses blood as fuel, does not run during daylight and comes to life to kill various people, but it is knowingly silly, and all the mythologies of vampires are incorporated cleverly enough. It is not all that scary, despite some over-the-top violent moments, it is often cheesy, but that is a good thing, and the camp sense of humour, with some deliberately gross gags (a talking piece of poo in the toilet that launches itself into Morrissey's mouth), does make you titter, a relatively fun horror comedy. Worth watching!
Review of I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle
