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choiseburgerz
Reviews
Barbarian (2022)
Tropes Upon Tropes Done in a Bad Way
Every male in this movie is either a creep, a rapist, or a creepy rapist. Every female is a victim, or a monster victim. Complete with a female prisoner escaping captivity, only to have the police tell her to calm down, that there's no murderer in there, that nothing is wrong, rolling eyes at a woman covered in blood. I don't know if this was supposed to be jam packed with modern political tropes upon tropes, but even if that is the case it was not well done. It becomes campy and silly about halfway through and the rest is very predictable. It had my attention at first but suspense was killed.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Part IV (2022)
Call me Sir!
It was pretty awesome seeing Obi-Wan knocking back some blaster bolts again and a few other scenes were also okay. Despite making the Empire's base look orderly and clean, there was not one competent person on guard there. The "call me Sir!" part made zero sense and was a bit cringe. They got inside and walked around avoiding like 2 droids, took back Leia, and literally walked right out, past hundreds of armed men, and not one of them noticed the old man with a beard and a giant trenchcoat.
Reva isn't really threatening somehow, other than being a bit ruthless. I don't see how she would still be trusted after multiple screw-ups. Vader killed more important people for less.
I can't get past the plot armor. I know Leia and Obi-Wan won't be killed so why would a brief kidnapping be suspenseful for the audience? The other reviews are a bit harsh but for understandable reasons. I guess I wasn't expecting so much going in.
The Expanse: Force Projection (2021)
Filler With 1 Fantastic Fight Scene
Halfway through the final season and the 30 minutes of (mostly) filler before a really great fight scene has me a bit worried the rest of season six might flop. Perhaps it's just because season 5 was so drawn out for me that I tend to notice multiple scenes of nothing but unnecessary dialogue in a row before something finally happens, but really most of this episode was filler. There is a lot of conflict that needs to be wrapped up and I'm not sure that can be done in the 120 minutes remaining.
There will always be people to complain when a great season comes to an end though, even if it's purely canonical. Everyone can't be satisfied.
One very important and deeply satisfying thing did happen in this episode. Marco secured his place as a terribly prideful and all around bad leader. His crew are starting to see that he will put them all at risk out of simple narcissism. He would rather die a martyr and hurt Naomi than save his crew and fight again and it was really great seeing Filip stand up to him in front of everyone and not be humiliated. The final battle was also fantastic like they always are on this great show.
Westworld (2016)
No Good Guys, Only Bad Guys Layered In Plot Armor
Watched the first season and enjoyed it well enough. The story was engaging, a few twists and turns that I didn't see coming. But there was definitely more cons than pros.
Every character is extremely unlikeable, for one reason or another, whether it be heartless and violent, naive and weak, or all out just bad acting. The main robot Maeve in particular was very hard to care about. She's insufferably smug and for some reason was written to speak with a lame Americanized British accent to make her sound more intelligent, which didn't work at all for me. She's the main reason I decided not to continue on to season 2.
There are too many plot holes and all out lame interactions as well. Bullets hurt the robots, but not humans, unless it advances the plot. The robots constantly do stuff they actually admit in the show they cannot do, and it's all explained away as "the robots but be having a glitch of some sort...". Need the robots to be smarter or to learn? Simply open the tablet and fill the "intelligence" bar more. By the end of the season they were so similar to humans I didn't even care that they were robots. It simply melted into a story about horrible people enslaving and hurting slightly more helpless horrible people. Of course they instantly understand that they are robots and want to escape by the end as well as knowing how to use modern weapons flawlessly, and nobody runs out of ammunition apart from one time, to advance the plot as usual. Robots only remember things that happened years ago, not things that happened in the previous episode. Literally not one single scene of a robot recalling something that happened even moments prior. This is waved away as "storyline", to advance the plot of course.
The human scientists are even dumber than the robots. They are so easily blackmailed and manipulated I thought my eyes would roll into another dimension at more than a few scenes.
The book was great but this show was just poorly executed. I only really cared about one of the characters future and the rest were just so unlikeable or out of touch I basically just wanted to get the season over with.
Dark (2017)
Possibly The Best Series I've Ever Seen
All around fantastic series about love and time travel. It is quite emotional and extremely thrilling. Well written, fantastic cinematography, and an interesting mostly consistent storyline. If you are educated in chemistry or physics you might see more plot holes than the average audience but I still enjoyed it regardless.
The first season was absolutely perfect. There are twists and turns you won't expect. I found myself going to bed at 5AM more than once because I just had to know what happens next. The timeline is believable, consistent and well written. The characters have a solid arc and are also very well written.
Season 2 was also really great. Things get quite complicated and some plot holes do develop but are easily overlooked. Very emotional season, found myself welling up with tears a few times. Exciting, sad, thrilling and lots of fun. Story starts to become pretty dark but there is always a way to turn things around and reach paradise.
Season three did come across as a bit condeluded at first. It kind of seems like the timeline in the world from the first two seasons ran out of room for more writing and a new "world" was written into the story to keep it going, but it still works. There are more plot holes and we never really get an explanation on how the new time machine was created and how it works. The timelines of the individual characters get so complicated that it seems a bit overdone and a few scenes really made no sense in retrospect, like a persons past self deceiving their future self, when their future self would obviously know what is coming, or their future self not remembering events in their past self all together. But again, the quality of the show still manages to make it work.
The series is called "Dark" for a reason. It is quite depressing and sad many many times and makes it seem like doom is always simply inevitable and you can do nothing to avoid your own corruption and evil. But this is a love story. And there is nothing we won't do for love.
9 out of 10 stars just because there are a few plot holes and after a while it becomes quite frustrating how nobody simply takes five minutes to explain what's happening to important characters so they can know what's happening and what's going to happen.
Extremely thrilling mystery series with tons of great sci-fi and all wrapped around a couple who love each other more than existence it's self.
Santa Inc. (2021)
Out of Touch and Mean Spirited
This is just an animated form of political pandering from two of the least funny so called "comedians" who somehow are still cast in stuff despite never playing an actual role that wasn't written as themselves.
It's nothing but taking jabs at white people, at men, at tradition, with covid virtue signaling mixed in. And all the points they try to make are of stuff that is objectively false. Full of toilet humor done poorly, crude personalities and angry vengeful activism.
The public disliked the pilot so much that HBO actually blocked all comments on the trailer and in case you were wondering, it has nearly 160 thousand dislikes and 3.1 thousand likes.
The only good thing is the animation was done well. Apart from that, this is just propaganda made by two of Hollywoods most mean and bigoted crybullies. So out of touch it's actually embarrassing.
Thunder Force (2021)
No Words.
I was forced to watch this with a girl this evening. I barely made it through alive. This movie has basically no redeeming qualities whatsoever. The story is contrived, simple and still unbelievable. The acting is atrocious and overdone. The stunts appear to be intentionally poorly done and the CGI is subpar.
The two main characters are crude and crass and the only joke you are going to get is about food or falling down or how fat they are and the food made me fart and I fell down! There is literally a scene of one of them eating breakfast for over sixty seconds with no break just to prove a point. They're fat! And rude! Funny isn't it? We got stuck in a lamborghini because we're sooooo fat!
This is Avengers mixed with Paul Blart Mall Cop with about sixty tubs of fat acceptance mayonnaise plopped on top.
This movie serves as an attempt to prove that even insufferably crude morbidly obese women can make awful movies!
Blood Drive (2017)
Substance Free Mindless Bloodporn
Watched the first episode to see if I liked the show. Watched the second just to make sure I gave it a fair chance. Had to stop after that.
This is a show about nothing. Everything is just awful but all the people love it. The violence is so overdone it's meaningless. And it's not even edgy or hard to watch, or even done well for that matter. It's just firehose blood shock to make you feel like you're watching something entertaining when in reality there isn't even a plot or a story line. Just a race and some monopolistic corporation behind it all. And tits and ass. That's it. They did way too much with it and made it boring.
The acting is also terrible. The only good thing about this show would be the props and makeup.
I don't even know what to say beyond that, this was the most boring 2 episodes of any show I've ever seen. And I've seen Midnight Mass.
Voyagers (2021)
Not Great But Enjoyable Sci Fi Thriller
As other rievewers have said, it's basically Lord of the Flies in space. Difference being, the kids stuck on the island had hopes of returning home, the kids on the spacecraft had only a vague sense of duty to humanity which of course comes into question through jealousy and hopelessness.
It shows the way people can succumb to surface level base emotionality, sexual urges, jealousy, lack of self control and groupthink. People doing awful things to avoid being the outcast. Why not just eat 2 months worth of food right now? We can grow more. We aren't even going to see the new home planet anyway, we deserve some pleasures right? We didn't choose to be here!
Inevitably 2 "tribes" emerge, with the antagonist using a fear of an alien onboard to scare the rest of the crew and to be used as a method of witch hunting. The antagonist plays his role well and has the face for it too. He's definitely good at frustrating the audience with his smirks and carelessness.
The physics are wrong, in case you were wondering. They are in a ship with centrifugal artificial gravity, yet float around weightless outside the ship when it SHOULD be like hanging off of the ceiling on all sides except for the nose and engine bell. It's not seen enough to really bother someone who knows better unless you have a pet peeve about physics realism.
All in all it was decent. Not great but watchable. I enjoyed it.
Man Vs. (2015)
Not Found Footage, Also Not Good
This video is described as a found footage horror movie, which is why I gave it a chance in the first place, but it's literally not. Only some of the footage is from the man and his film crew, but the bulk of the film is not.
It's entertaining for a bit, has some mildly interesting obstacles and occurrences, but the creature reveal was far too blatant and very much not scary. It's not mysterious at all, it leaves nothing to the imagination, and on top of that the creatures vocalizations are the same stuff you've seen a million times before, sharp shrieking and that dumb clicking sound. Looks like a Ugandan Predator remake and the CGI is awful.
Almost good enough to be a good bad movie had it not taken it's self so seriously.
The Night House (2020)
Solid Creepy Mystery Thriller
I've been waiting for this movie for several months now and it was well worth the wait. Rebecca Hall is perfect for this role and made the film complete. It's not often enough we get a ghost flick that is original and mysterious and doesn't rely on jumpscares. The creepyness of this film is presented in a way I've never seen before and it's definitely far from on-the-nose, and it worked magnificently.
Some of the "hints" may seem like they're being too blatant and that you can tell what's coming from far away, but I was surprised that this wasn't the case. The overall story or cause for the mystery doesn't seem impossible either.
I really loved this movie. The tangible characters and story are what make it great. And on top of that it's actually scary. Very refreshing to have a high quality ghost film that isn't cheesy or redundant.
Small Engine Repair (2021)
Enough to make a father cry
Outstanding film. Spot on production, captures "Live Free or Die" New Hampshire city life well. The acting was outstanding. It's very well written, very funny at times, with a looming sense of potential heartbreak. The bond of lifelong best friends and family gives it the wholesome soul throughout the film, but when the heartbreak eventually comes it turns to anger and vengeance.
Only problem I had with it was it left me feeling like the right thing was done but lacked the justice I hoped to get for the family. Other than that it was a beautiful and very emotional film.
ATM (2012)
An Awful "Bad Movie"
The bulk of this film is made up of plot holes. There isn't any actual reason for them being trapped. No smart ways to get out. No smart ways for the bad guy to get in. It's just three people standing in an ATM with a scary man outside and all they do is complain.
They could have escaped any time they wanted by simply running away. It gets to the point that they are actually doing nothing to try and survive, like the scene in that Austin Powers movie with the guy who just stands there screaming while a steamroller moves slowly towards him.
It went nowhere slowly and I wanted all the characters to die within a few minutes.
If you enjoy good isolation/thriller/trapped movies, this is not for you.
If you enjoy good "bad movies", this is also not for you.
Old (2021)
Good Idea Destroyed By Bad Acting
Finished watching a few minutes ago, and I gotta say, the idea they had to run with here was a really neat idea. Basically they age 2 years every hour. Wounds heal instantly, medical issues complicate instantly, children grow much much faster than parents. It's clear there are many more ideas to run with that they didn't end up using either. The ending wasn't immediately guessable and ended up making enough sense to work.
The age acceleration make up wasn't done that well, and the wrinkle CGI added to faces didn't blend and looks weird. But the one big big big problem though was the horrendous acting. A few of them played their (poorly written) characters well enough but there was always something off in all their interactions with one another. It seemed forced and unnatural. The acting was just bad. As in, worse than noticeably bad. It seemed like the actors could speak English well enough to communicate but didn't know how to match actions with the words. Especially in the teenaged characters. It was clear the whole time I was watching people try to act, which isn't what I want to see in a movie and is the same reason why I don't like live theater. It just ruined the whole thing for me.
Parallels (2015)
Interesting and Enjoyable But Left Hanging Completely
This is a fantastic sci-fi thriller. It's mostly original, the acting is good, production is incredible, overall really great.
The one BIG BIG problem is it ends promptly with the best parts of the mystery unanswered completely. For whatever reason they took this pilot for a new show and kept it as a standalone movie. I guess it's best it didn't go to waste but this would have been a fantastic show! I'm hearrbroken about it.
I just hope they decide to do more with the story.
Censor (2021)
Rated Highly By People Who Love Rating Movies
I got done watching this film not even 5 minutes ago and I can't remember much about it. It begins with an interesting theme and then goes nowhere. At least half the runtime is flashback/disorientation/dreamlike sequences or emotional face zoom-ins. It went nowhere slowly. I fell for the "high" rating on here when I decided to watch it, but I should have read the reviews first, as the ratings above 5 seem to be coming from regular IMDB film reviewers and people who have that redundant "artsy and imaginative" attitude, like an amateur wine taster failing to realize he was given a glass of $2 per liter boxed wine.
Caveat (2020)
Low expectations from other reviews, but a pleasant surprise!
If you are wondering if you should "waste time" on this because of other reviews saying it's slow and boring, I would suggest you ignore them. I ignored it for several weeks before throwing it on anyway, and I was actually really surprised. It has a similar atmosphere as "lighthouse" and some familiar auras from films like "eraserhead". The effects are real, no CGI, and just a product of quality camerawork and makeup. It's slow, very strange, but it's the only film in years that actually truly scared me. Some scenes are almost unbearably tense and extremely creepy and atmospheric. I really enjoyed this film and I bet you will too if you are willing to give it a shot.
Miss Sloane (2016)
My suspension of disbelief can only go so far
Thanos eliminating half the life in a superhero universe? Sure
120lb Angelina Jolie defeating 18 KJB agents while unarmed? On a good day
A "second amendment warrior" DC lobbyist being this misinformed on gun laws? Absolutely not.
The person who wrote this film has no clue what gun laws actually exist in the US and didn't even bother to google it. Within the first 10 minutes she says "Any psychopath can buy an assault rifle at a gun show or on the internet in less than an hour without a background check or even having to show an ID"
This is absolutely wrong, even in the reddest of the red states, and it ruined the whole rest of the film. Her characters credibility flew right out of the window before 15 minutes had passed. I'm no fan of American politics today, especially gun lobbyists and the NRA, but mustache twirling evil old white men rubbing their filthy rich hands together was a bit too much.
There was a lot of potential here but it was just too preachy to work.
I'm Thinking of Ending Things (2020)
Too Abstract To Get Away With 2+ Hours
I have no idea why this is categorized as "thriller". It's just really weird, really slow, and makes no sense. If you don't enjoy abstract art you will hate this movie, especially if you haven't read the book or understand it's meaning. Hardly any of the movie makes any sense at all. Might as well be picking up random books and reading 1 sentence from each one at a time. Which I guess is the point, but it was just too much. Right when I thought it was finally over, it turns out it was only halfway done and I only watched the second half to be fair to the creator. It came across as way too pretentious and that any negative criticisms of it could be waved off as uncultured or a lack of artistic mindedness.
If you haven't read the book then I suggest skipping this movie. It's just too weird and too boring to get away with. The acting is superb but it was just too much for me. I'm not like everyone else though.
Angel of Mine (2019)
100% SOLID Thriller
Noomi Rapace is just so great. The film will have you empathize, love, fear and hate her through different acts. She has a very sad story and without much hope turns to really creepy lengths to keep sane as she finally loses grasp of reality. The acting is solid all around, the characters feel real, the plot structure is far fetched but possible. The story is beautiful, creepy, sad and extremely thrilling. Expect to feel lots of emotion and possibly even cry.
If you think the drama aspect will ruin the thriller aspect, you are wrong.
Solid film. No complaints. Couldn't even leave for a smoke break it was so exciting.
The Expanse: Hard Vacuum (2021)
This show is supposed to be exciting
This whole season we have had maybe 10 total minutes of James. Not really much else has happened to 2 of the main four characters. The bulk of screentime is average interactions between Naomi with her son or other people always ending in tears. We only need to have that breakthrough once or twice.
I'm about 2 tearful Naomi regret scenes away from my eyes rolling into another dimension. This show seems to be going the same way The 100 went. Way too campy.
Survive the Hollow Shoals (2018)
Average bad Found Footage flick
To start off I was really really excited for the story of the character in this one. He's some guy out trying to make survivalist videos despite having almost no gear with him, no knowledge of the outdoors, and very very little experience. It set the story up for some good fun and many things that could go wrong.
However, when you include ominous music and ambient sounds in a found footage flick, you've sunk yourself to the bottom of the barrel. Any halfway intelligent viewer is going to notice this and it just doesn't work. Apart from that, this movie is nothing special. Jumpscares, walking 1 foot per second through the woods at night with a shaky camera, sitting in a wood shelter, and being lost. That's it. Nothing new or exciting or unique at all. He encounters the ghost/creature way too often and it stops being scary, especially when the acting was so bad and the character severely under reacting to what's happening to him.
All in all just not a good FF horror flick. The jumpscares work but that's about it.
The Shallows (2016)
If anyone deserved to be eaten by a shark.
I actually had to cover my eyes during parts of this movie. It was so cheesy I couldn't stand it. They go through extreme lengths to make you feel like she's just the nicest person there could possibly be and she's the last beautiful soaking wet white woman in a bikini you would ever want to be eaten by a shark. It was layed on so heavy that I wanted her to be eaten by a shark before she even hit the water, but the scene with the sea gull sealed the deal for me. It was a bad movie and not the good kind of bad movie.
A Horrible Way to Die (2010)
Not what I expected at all
Short and quick. The cinematography is actually quite nauseating. It's filmed entirely by hand and zoomed in, often out of focus. That is the only part I disliked. I was expecting a tense thriller, and it was, but there is a twist that I don't think many saw coming. The last 5 minutes will change the way you feel about main characters and it ended up as quite a charming love story all things considered.
The 100: A Sort of Homecoming (2020)
They actually did it
Another filler episode late into the final season and the only important things that are happening is killing off characters because I'm guessing we won't need anyone but Clarke to win the "Last War". If you're going to kill off beloved characters at least have it happen in a meaningful way. And if they are going to try and justify all this with time travel or "everyone is back together again after winning the last war" then I'm gonna have a stroke.
Just bad writing.