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Reviews
Arcadian (2024)
It like watching paint dry
Ok. If you are watching this for horror or scares or gore, then don't bother. It is basically watching Twilight with all that nonsensical teenager romance that so happens to be set in a post- apocalyptic world. Even the story behind the supposed apocalypse is vague and unbelievable. The camera work is shoddy at best. The creature design really uninspired and childish. The acting is so-so, I mean its definately not going to win any Academy awards, but then again why would you want to these days. I suppose it wasn't the worse movie I have ever watched, especially one with Nicholas Cage in it, theres been plenty of bad ones.
I conclude that this is watchable as long as you set your expectations low on the horror and expect the cringey teenage romance bits.
The Creator (2023)
Great potential but...
I was really looking forward to this, I mean who doesn't like a good old robot movie. However this is no Terminator. Despite all the grand special effects, it just falls short , not sure if its the juvenile writing or the many plot holes the story has.
Don't get me wrong the acting actually is not bad, it is really the writing and maybe even the directing/editing that fails this movie.
And if humanity is truly failing and your only job is to destroy the weapon, despite it being in the form of a child, you would probably do it, knowing it is a machine. And to be honest, it would probably be really difficult for anyone with a heart as the child is very adorable and likeable. I guess send the right person for the job, any IDF would do. But I digress.
Go in with low expectations is my advice. Then maybe you might be pleasantly surprised.
Run the Burbs: Morning Phrenzy (2023)
Probably the worst episode so far
Ok i don't know who they hired to write this but seriously it's cringey af. It's almost like they hired some high schoolers to write this episode. All the of the situations are completely unbelievable and not relatable. They are trying way too hard to make it seem like this could happen in real life but seriously this level of dramatics even surpasses the Kardashian level, you know it can't be real.
The worst thing about it all, is the acting. Its just so amateurish. And also there is no chemistry between the characters. They don't feel like a real family. There is no warmth, no believable connection between the characters. And I dont think this is actually even the actors fault as bad as their acting is. The writers have done a terrible job pretty much the entire series in this aspect.
I wanted to like this series so much. But it is definitely no Fresh Off The Boat replacement. It is a mere distraction and good for background noise, if you paid too much attention to it, you will start getting annoyed and lose a few brain cells.
I'm sorry Andrew but this is probably the most mediocre thing you done so far.
Clock (2023)
Its gets increasingly annoying
This had promise. The first 5 minutes gave us that opening and maybe put up our hopes. Because everything else after that just kept going downhill.
Also Whats with movies these days with female lead characters, they are all neurotic and annoying af. What happened to all the strong cool women characters we used to have? These days in order for a woman to be strong is to not have a man but just a sperm donor. Seriously is wrong with this Hollywood narrative.
We need more GI Jane and less crazy b**ch. Why have we lost this?
My advice is not to watch this. Please save yourself the headache and the dry retching.
Hack My Home (2023)
Its cringe
Oh my goodness. This show is so cringe. "Janked" like really? Thats the word they chose to use to describe something or another. I don't know. The cringe is so overwhelming that I could not focus on anything. The presenters are such try hards. And why do they all shout? They never heard of microphones? I could barely get through the first episode without considering throwing up my dinner.
I thoroughly disagree with all the reviews that said this was entertaining. Also if you only just watch the first episode, you can already understand the poor level of designs they call "hacks" and the really dated decor ideas. The build looks cheap and poor quality. And also the cringe editing.
Sorry nothing really redeeming for this show.
Synchronic (2019)
Had promise but falls very short
All those who recommend this movie and talks about awakened consciousness... well i rate you the same as the movie.
This movie had promise. But theres just too may holes in the rules for this world. Like there must be at least some basic rules for the physics of this world but even when the writers attempt to address some of it, it came off extremely simpleton-like.
The character development was a terrible miss. Considering how long this movie went for, you would think we would be able to connect and feel real empathy for the characters. But no, I actually was more invested in the dog Hawking, the only character whose name I remembered. The whole dissertation on the broken and failing marriage was terribly unconvincing; the daughter barely had a few lines in the movie before disappearing so it was really difficult to miss her when she did; the main character was boring and one dimensional; the premise of taking a pill and it turns your pineal gland into a time machine is more comedic than the writers imagined I am sure, if they said it gives you realistic vision it is believable, but it literally turns you into a time machine because you can hold thing and keep the clothes you wearing as you travel to the past and back, I'm barely able to contain my laughter as I write this on my iPhone.
The acting was ok, I think it is probably hard to work with the story and script they were given. But they have to take responsibility and accountability for agreeing to do the film after reading the script. So I guess yeah the acting was not great.
I am seriously wondering how they got funding to make this. I have watched college productions with a better story and much less money.
I can't tell you what to do, but please do not have high expectations then maybe it won't feel like a waste of time. Good luck!
Occupation: Rainfall (2020)
Terrible. Don't bother.
This was terrible. Its like it was written by someone in high school.
The special effects isn't terrible. Though one of those alien drones look suspiciously like a ute in some armour. But all in all it's actually not terrible. It is actually good if it was paired with a good story and likeable characters.
The story. Is. Terrible. Theres a lot of toxic macho bravado posturing. And then the aliens were either horrible aliens trying to take over the world or stupid submissive informants to the humans who will tolerate all and any abuse. It doesn't make sense.
And this movie is long. Its like 2 hours something. Theres a lot of stupid that you have to get through if you want to watch this. And no this is not some elitist comment about the movie like some other ninny was saying. I just don't want to waste my time if the director and writers don't even have the skills to make something thats not insulting to our intelligence.
Consider yourself pre-warned.
Oh and yeah i didn't finish it. It was just too painful.
The Oak Room (2020)
Its slow with little reward
Ok I will make this one quick as this movie has already taken 80+ minutes of my life that I am not getting back.
It is slow. Not slow in the slow burn draw-you- in kinda way, but slow as in boring and dull.
It relies too heavily on "stories" being told by several of the characters in the movie. However the characters in the movies are pretty one dimensional and all exude the same personality traits - angry, entitled, annoying, which makes it difficult to relate and empathise with them. And ultimately makes their stories boring and even whiny.
The mise en en scène is well designed and gives off the appropriate atmospheric vibes. Probably the best thing about the film. The cinematography is also commendable.
The acting was a hit and miss for me. Like I said before the characters being one dimensional makes the characters really unrelated-able. And probably not the actors fault the characters have been written that way. But some of the acting was overdramatic and no convincing. It comes across like a reading and while they all pretty much scream through the script, there is just no substance.
All in all. A pretty reasonable effort. Would I recommend? Maybe not. But if you have nothing better to do. And you set your expectations low, it may be a passable movie to watch. I mean you would probably spend as much time playing on your phone as the movie plays but its great background noise to a tiktok dance video.
Midsommar (2019)
This takes patience. Lots of it. With little gain
I think I am not alone in saying this movie is slow. So slow if it was any slower it might go back in time.
Whats good about it, is the beautifully designed sets and costumes. The acting is decent too. And it does have great cinematography.
What it lacks are likeable characters. All the characters there are annoying and neurotic without any redeeming features. If there was any need for a Texan with guns, it was here at this commune, filled to the brim with weird ass white people. Also all the persons of colour were killed and sacrificed first. I guess that is at least reflective of reality here.
As I sat and watch this movie that ran for a mind numbing 2.5 hours, I kept thinking to myself, please let my patience pay off and one of these annoying characters redeem themselves and do something selfless and heroic, even if they don't succeed at least let them try. But nope.
So yeah if you want to be disappointed and watch a movie with weird ass white people running around naked (at some parts of the movie) and performing weird ass pagan rituals, then look no further.
Kateo (2022)
Motion sickness inducing camerawork
Like most people have mentioned in their reviews, this movie is very similar to watching the cutscenes in a first person shooter game.
It is a wild ride if you are into that genre with some funky shots and kill scenes. It lacks the finesse of John Wick though.
But the camera work while it is pretty funky especially in the opening scene, gets old real quick after that. And seriously i needed to stop the movie several times while I contemplated emptying my dinner into a bucket.
The story is not for anyone who likes logic or sense so keep that in mind. Like this mysterious disease that they are trying to cure. Are they turning in to zombies?
I wouldn't say don't watch this. As it can be fun for some people. But definitely bear in mind the nauseating camera work and the lack of any real character development or story even for its over 2 hour run time. Which I guess are this movie's biggest weakness.
The Korean actors do a good job with the acting. Their Caucasian counterparts though probably only got the roles because they aren't Korean and not due to any acting abilities. As the acting was terrible.
Haunted 3: Spirits (2018)
Well this will be a short review
So the movie started with a sort of disclaimer stating that the film was shot unscripted. The lazy b**tards didn't even bother to write a script or rehearse and prepare for the movie.
So my disclaimer is. I didn't bother watching the movie. Its utter crap. Don't waste your time. I wasted a whole minute of mine and that seemed already too much.
You are welcome.
2067 (2020)
Okay but not okay
So. Its okay if you love melodrama and lots of crying over nothing and soppy try hard back stories that is barely plausible.
The story in general is really lacking. The script is bland and cliched. The actors seem to have grown up in the set of Neighbours and are as terrible actors.
The effects in the movie are basically the only saving grace. Mind you its not perfect but it gives you enough for the sci-fi fan, just enough to distract you from the terrible story, bad acting and cliched dialogue. Granted the 80's tech monitors and green dos commands seem to clash with the holograms and shiny colourful perspex iPad they carry. And why would a life support suit catch on fire!?!?!? They are all made of fire retardant materials. Face palm!
I only watched this because it was under the sci-fi section. But really its a soap opera hiding in a sci-fi set. Watch it when you have nothing else to watch. And Seth. Stop making movies, unless you can be less a drama queen or just stick to writing scripts for Neighbours or Home and Away.
Hellboy (2019)
Fail fail fail
I really love the Hellboy character. From the first inception in the comic books and certainly the first two original movies. But not even the great Ian McShane can save this failed reboot. The Guillermo Del Toro movies were by far superior as movies. Granted this reboot has more blood and gore, the story just lack depth and it is messy af. And the dialogue isn't so much spoken but rather shouted throughout the movie. Its just terrible. The actor who plays Hellboy should be shot. He screams the dialogue the entire movie. Why!? I would say that this should be given a miss and to watch the original movies. They are certainly more enjoyable.
Update 16 May 21- I also noted after going through the reviews, a lot of the 10/10 reviews are done by bots or people who made the film because they are literally copy and pasted from different accounts. Come on guys, do you have to sink that low to get the ratings up??
Night of Something Strange (2016)
This is the most fun you will have in a movie
I usually distrust reviews with a perfect score but I had to give this one a perfect 10. It was just so much fun.
I was grossed out, I laughed till I was rolling on the ground, as did my friends. Oh certainly best watched with some mates.
And the other reviewers who start off explaining how they love horror movies but just not this one are ridiculously wrong. How can anyone who love horrors not love this obvious love letter to the horror genre. With a-bit of tongue in cheek humour thrown in for good measure.
I won't spoil the movie. My advice. Go watch it. Like whats the worse that can happen? You can always give it the 10 minute rule. If it ain't good then turn it off and move on. But trust me you will keep going.
I am hoping there is going to be a sequel. Pretty please may I have some more?
Now to re watch this.
Relic (2020)
Boring
It starts off with a promising eerie atmospheric mood which ultimately leads no where. Like the movie was about 1 hour 29 mins long and literally nothing happens until the last 10 minutes and even then nothing really happens.
I. Was. So. Bored.
I kept waiting for the scary horrific ending. But all i got was a terribly boring one.
If you want to watch slow eerie movies The Witch or It Follows were much better movies. This one was a big miss for me.
I really wanted to like this. The trailer also looked promising. Oh well. Next!!!
Comforting Skin (2011)
Don't watch unless you are a masochist
The story is bleh. The acting not terrible. If you are into women with personality disorders who constantly feel sorry for themselves while making excuses about how the world treated them unfairly. Then you are in for a treat.
But I warn you. It would be an act of masochism.
The soundtrack is probably by far the worst thing. Its literally painful. Discordant shrill piercing noise describes the track, calling it a soundtrack would suggest that it had some form of melody. Its worse than chalkboards and screeching horny cats.
Well. You been warned.
Costume Quest (2019)
Good laughs but
This series reminds me so much of Gravity Falls. And that is all in a positive way. Good animation reminiscent of Nickelodeon cartoons from the 90's.
I would love this so much more of it wasn't for some of the annoying characters. Main characters no less. Wren one of the lead characters is unbearable. She is entitled loud self centred and generally unpleasant. She has all the makings of an antisocial personality disorder. Its awful. My entire experience has been ruined by her. And i really wanted to like this as much as I liked Gravity Falls. Please if anyone who writes for the show reads this... please change her attitude. Its not the makings of a strong character. Its just annoying and well it makes me hate her. And makes my experience with the show a negative one.
Gong fu guan lan (2008)
Shaolin Soccer's sibling that should have been aborted
This movie is terrible. Cringy acting. Nonsensical story with no depth any sort. It tries to piggy back on the success of Shaolin Soccer using Kung Fu in sports but falls so short. The comedy is forced and really ridiculous. I mean like super duper ridiculous. To the point where its just cringy as opposed to funny. Then the drama and back story. Omg. I can't even. If you want to watch something mindless with a little bit of fun for the younger members of the family then do so. But if you have better things to do with the two hours or so then leave it. My advice is to leave it. Leave it well and truly alone.
Without Name (2016)
Don't waste your time
The movie is slow. Slow and without any purpose or direction which means you won't even get a satisfactory end if you do decide to torturously watch it till the end. Actually thats the horror there. Sitting through the entire movie. Only watch if you have run out of anything to do with your life.
Mirrors (2008)
Wtf did i just watch!?
Ok. If you are looking for horror, suspense, good acting and a good storyline. Or at least one of those element, don't waste your time. I struggle to find something good to say about this movie. What was worse? The acting? The script? The directing? The demonising of mental illness based on absolutely nil facts? Everything. Everything was just bad. And that Paula Patton is by far the worst actor in this movie. Its shockingly bad. If I could have reached into the screen to slap her I would. She makes everything about her. Ughhhh its just annoying.
But my biggest gripe. Despite all the terrible acting, terrible storyline and the cringy dialogue. The worst thing that kept playing in my mind is how the hell do two public servants (one who has supposed stopped working for some time) afford those cars and that house and a maid????
Nuff said bub.
Next Gen (2018)
Entitled selfish major cluster personality B lead spoils thjs
First off. The good. Robots are pretty awesome. Some silly robots like the noodle bots and the toothbrush bot but generally they are cool. Especially the main robot. They are well incorporated into a futuristic background that doesn't seem too far off.
However. The major let down is the highly unlikeable lead. She is a terrible character with nothing but rottenness in her personality. She is a bully, and unkind. And she justifies that because "oh her father left when she was younger". So it is just acceptable that she acts up, hurts others, blames all her misfortunes on everyone else, play guilt mind games. She never learns from her mistakes instead takes it out on everyone else around her. She is not even a little self aware nor does she accepts any responsibility for her own actions. She does not have any redeemable quality. As you watch the movie, instead of making you feel sympathetic to her and engage in her adventure, I find that I am filled with so much hate for her that I actually want to see her fail. I want her to be punished, and that does not make a good story if it makes the viewers hate the lead and want to see her fail! I find myself rooting for the villian and that almost never happens!
If the story was just about the robot it would have been 10 stars.