gnewell-2 Reviews

Alaskan Killer Bigfoot (2021– )

Wacky and entertaining docu-drama

[7/10 · 29 December 2022]

It's interesting to consider what may be the real reason why the Alaskan natives would return to Portlock. It's doubtful that they are coming back to establish a community, but more likely they are happy to be making money as paid actors in a show. I've heard it said that the show must be real, as they are all using their real names... or so we are led to believe. Just because the names are real, doesn't necessarily mean the show is "real". Now I wouldn't say this show is quite as cheesy as Mountain Monsters, but it does have its entertainment value.

Perhaps the reason Naantinaq won't show itself is the bad acting, terrible narration, and the horrible (and unnecessary) dramatic background music. And like most shows of this type, the so-called "professionals" get into the woods and suddenly act like rank amateurs. They make a concerted effort to make as much noise as possible (like rustling branches and loud talking). Then they start waving lit flashlights all around, and even when they say they see something, apparently the camera person doesn't think to turn his/her camera around to try to see the event until it's too late, if they try at all. Perhaps the camera people are well trained to not disclose the fakery on film.

It would be nice to see a real documentary on Bigfoot/Sasquatch/Naantinaq, and I'm not referring to Expedition Bigfoot either. That show also falls into the category of "docu-drama". Discovery Channel, History Channel, and the Travel Channel have all decided to compete for the Lowball Cheese Award, but give them their due; people continue to watch and it looks like the trend will continue.

Infinitum: Subject Unknown (2021)

Good premise; waste of iPhone battery

[3/10 · 16 April 2021]

And the cameo by Sir Ian McKellen doesn't help. Why is it that every sci-fi movie has to include characters that look like they're intelligent, but can't seem to find two brain cells to rub together to spark even the tiniest bit of common sense? I had to give up on things about 10-15 minutes into this train wreck of a sci-fi film.

Here's where the spoilers start: Women wakes up and finds herself tied up in a chair. She doesn't know who she is or why she's there. During her first attempt to escape, she manages to get her feet free and her hands in front of her body. She pounds on the glass to try to get attention from outside, but doesn't hit too hard, apparently for fear of injuring her hands on potentially broken glass. She puts the chair back so she can sit down but never thinks to try to break the window with the chair. Second attempt to escape: she remembers bits and pieces from the first attempt, as she gets her feet free again. This time she finds the stairwell to go down. She takes the time to move a mirror out of the way, but again, doesn't even think to break the glass on it so she can use a piece of it to cut through the fabric binding her hands together. Third attempt was just a rehash of attempt #2 by reusing the footage. The repeat of her taking steps down ended up with her not on the lower floor, but apparently about 6 floors down. At this point, I refused to watch any further.

Meatballs (1979)

Admit it, true fans!

[18 July 2017]

You've sung the North Star CIT counselors song: -----------------------------------------------

-- We are the C-I-T's, so pity us.

-- The kids are brats, the food is hideous!

-- We're gonna smoke and drink and fool around; we're nookie bound.

-- We're North Star C-I-T's !!

Area Q. (2011)

Reply to Full Madness: Here's the translation of the speech that starts at 1:13:32

[8/10 · 6 July 2017]

Entries with (*) asterisks around them are notes to set the scene.

* A few seconds before the speech, William sees Joao and rushes towards him. He is knocked back by a force field, and is transported to the beach scene. After the beach scene, he is transported back to Joao, who brings him inside the force field. That is when Joao's speech begins. *

Joao: You came here seeking answers. I'm giving you those answers.

William: Was that a dream?

Joao: It was a vision of a possible future.

William: Why were they scared?

Joao: Because people will become so cruel, they will hunt children ... as if they were stray dogs.

William: Why?

Joao: No water ... or food. The devastation caused by mankind will substantially reduce the population. There will be complete disorder. Children will be enslaved to maintain productivity. It will be survival of the fittest.

William: No, no, I don't think it will ever get to that point; humans won't ... won't become that desperate and insensitive.

Joao: You are already too insensitive. Thousands of children die every day, from hunger or lack of shelter. Mankind is heading towards a global collapse, and we have to intervene.

William: And why my son?

Joao: Your son is one among many. This city is one of many.

William: You're invading ... it's an invasion, that's what it is. You're taking people and you're studying them to make sure our species are compatible ... you're using my Peter as a guinea pig.

Joao: Peter has rejuvenated in recent years. He is ready; waiting for his time to return.

William: What the hell does that mean?

Joao: People who were preselected are being prepared. They are receiving information and important knowledge. The process would be faster ... if so many pregnancies were not interrupted.

William: So what's their mission?

Joao: Reversing the direction in which mankind is heading.

William: And how are these people supposed to do that?

Joao: They will lead the world, with a new vision ... new ideas, and even new technologies ... that will change how your societies and its leaders interact with each other. This means that the world will have a large number of people ... with an extraordinary intellectual capacity ... spreading and practicing kindness ... charity and honesty. But they will be the world's last hope. Imagine a world with thousands of people like Gandhi, Chico Xavier, Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King. To change the world does not take much ... only willpower.

William: Well, if you don't believe in this, then why are you trying to help us?

Joao: This planet's natural resources are vital to maintain the harmony of the universe.

* William hears a noise behind him, and turns to see a vision of his son at the park, on the day he was abducted. *

William: What is this?

* William sees his son on the swing and sees him being "abducted" by a bright light *

William: Oh! This is cruel. Why would you do this to me?

Joao: You are here for a reason. Coincidences do not exist. They will return to lead the people, and change their future for the better. Someone must be there ... to help them reach their potential. Peter will need your guidance when he returns.

William: Where?

Joao: 8 degrees, 29 minutes, 4 seconds North ... 13 degrees, 14 minutes, 3.8 seconds West.

William: Coordinates.

Joao: Memorize them.

William: 8 degrees, 29 minutes, 4 seconds North ... 13 degrees, 14 minutes, 3.8 seconds West.

Joao: Be there in 2011.

William: 2011.

Joao: It's when you start your mission.

William: Ah ... that's too long to wait.

Joao: Time is only a matter of perception.

* Joao then touches William on the chest, imparting the "birthmark". Joao then disappears in a flash of light. *

CREDITS:

Original Translation and subtitles: pepe2982

English Translation: nastero using Google Translate and Gedit.

English translation updated and edited, including removal of subtitles for English text: gnewell-2 using NotePad 01/01/2014

** Email me at gen81465-yahoo.com (replacing the - with @), and I can get you the (.srt) file, which is the complete subtitle text. I corrected and updated it back in 2014, for more accurate English translation. Note that I included William's responses, even though they are already in English. I did this for the continuity of following along with the movie. If you use a video player like VLC, you can choose the option: Video - Subtitles Track - Open file... and point it to the (.srt) file, and watch the entire movie with subtitles. Enjoy! **

Project U.F.O. (1978–1979)

You can find the episodes here

[2 May 2017]

This has always been one of my favorite shows; and I loved the Jack Webb "just the facts" style. I remember sitting at home, watching this with my father, although I'm not sure why, as he didn't believe in UFO's or aliens. For several years I've searched for DVD's, or even VHS tapes of the episodes but to no avail. Not too long ago, I found this website, and lo and behold, here they were; all the episodes, in order. Enjoy them! (http://www.veoh.com/TV/collection/project-ufo)

Alaska Monsters (2014– )

I smell an Emmy! Or is that just another Bigfoot?

[7/10 · 8 January 2015]

I've only seen a couple episodes of this show, but I must say I find it both entertaining, and annoying. Here are some observations that might help you to decide if this is a show for you and your loved ones.

* The show kind of reminds me of a video of a really bad train wreck; you know it's going to be gruesome, ugly, and painful, but somehow, you just feel compelled to watch it all the way through, and then try to find another video of it (from a different angle).

* After the very first episode, I realized that the WWE has quite a nice retirement plan; and the Moondogs are alive and doing well.

* "Face" needs to tone down the voice a little; or else get a hearing aid. And with a name like "Face", he must think he's part of The A-Team. Dirk Benedict, if this is what you have to look forward to in your elder years: be afraid, be VERY afraid.

* Somewhere out there, in the deep, dark recesses of the Alaska wilderness, there is a Bigfoot. And somewhere in the deep, dark recesses of Hollywood, someone saw a need to give this bunch of guys a lot of money to make fools of themselves while doing what they do. Apparently, I'm in the wrong business; or at least waiting around in the wrong "deep, dark recess".

* After reading the review that likened the show to something out of Benny Hill, I thought of the following: Compile all of the "chase" scenes, cut out the volume, and dub in a looping track of the Benny Hill closing theme. If you don't pee yourself from laughing, there's a real problem with your sense of humor ... or your bladder ... or both.

* I truly believe this group of men will someday *actually* find a Bigfoot; and Bigfoot will leave not a trace of them behind, save a few white hairs from Face's beard, and a big pile of Crusty's innards.

Oh well, enjoy the show for what it is: entertainment. And be thankful for what it isn't: reality.

Alien Origin (2012 Video)

Alien Origin review

[4/10 · 11 August 2012]

Without reading much from the other reviews, I can sum up the movie like this: Blair Witch meets Predator. I am thankful, however, that the producers decided to artificially steady the video, as I would have truly been nauseated by the rapid camera movements. As for the overall plot and production: I've seen better; I've seen worse. Some things in the movie were not very believable; such as all the military guys in full camouflage jungle gear, while the "adventure editor" shows up looking like she's posing for an ad in an LL Bean catalog. I almost mistook her for Laura Dern's character in Jurassic Park; she was dressed almost identically in sleeveless tee shirt, colorful over shirt, tight jeans or shorts, and hiking boots. While she definitely added to the "scenery", if the intent of the group was to conceal their presence in the jungle, she shouldn't be wearing bright yellow. It also didn't help that the commando leader didn't seem like much of a leader; always asking the men "OK? We agree, OK?" He also didn't know much about silent signals either; I was constantly confused by the "I see you" signal. He shouldn't have needed to point out to his men that they should be looking ahead of them, instead of at him. Lastly, the alien skull was definitely a fake; nothing more than a hardened clay model. I was hoping for something better, but I guess the budget didn't allow for it. One bright side to this movie; like others have said, "At least the scenery of Belize was beautiful."