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Reviews
Project Shadowchaser II (1994)
Insane movie
Some offbeat movies answer some important questions. For another example look at Dead Alive which answers the question of what would happen if Clive Barker teamed up with the Three Stooges to make a movie?
Project Shadowchaser II is such a movie. What would happen if you mixed scripts from Die Hard, The Terminator and a kung fu movie in a blender at high speed?
Sure it doesn't make sense. It's not supposed to. Sure it doesn't have anything really to do with the first film. It's not supposed to.
Sure it's got no big stars. It doesn't need to.
Look for this at the Walmart bargain bin sometime in the future.
Thanksgiving (2023)
Uneven But Fine Slasher
This actually would have fit in nicely during the 80's direct to video rental era. The comedy isn't super funny. The plot is not really believable, including killings breaking the laws of physics. But if realism is what you wanted, why are you watching it. Some horror-comedies do it better. Still, the gore is satisfying though not the complete point like, say, Hostel.
The major holidays are saturated with slasher movies, so why should Thanksgiving be any different?
There are lots of red herrings and a who-dun-it atmosphere, which gives the audience a chance to play junior detective. If you're really paying attention instead of just letting the experience wash over you it's not ridiculously hard. What was really easy is some foreshadowing on a plot point of dispensing with the killer is really thrown in your face. So good luck Scooby Dooing.
Venomous (2001)
It's definitely a Fred Olen Ray movie
All these years later this looks like the kind of movie that would be shown on Joe Bob Briggs Drive-In Theater. Leave your expectations low and just go with it.
Here a true master of low budget gave us:
1). Oh no! The kid is teaching for a snake! Oh, it's a kitten.
2). Endless phone conversations. No need to have all the cast show up.
3). A dire warning - rednecks have bazookas in their car trunk.
4). Flirting between the exes culminating in, "Oh, I can't have this conversation with you again!"
I truly point these things out that show this is a bad in a good way kind of movie. Nowhere does Fred ever let it look like it should be taken too seriously.
Orphan (2009)
Creepy Thriller Ruined By a Bad Ending
I put this in the "watch once for a good thrill, but never would I buy it" category.
Our orphan heroine has some problems getting along with people. Incredibly unadoptable, yet the unsuspecting family has no idea of the trouble they are getting themselves into.
The family, fortunately for we the viewer, are terrible people. So it's built up to a cheering for the killer moment. We are amply rewarded.
However, in the producers quest to have the possibility for a franchise with multiple appearances of our psychotic orphan killer, they create an ending not grounded in reality. Namely, she walks casually through a raging fire with no effect from the smoke inhalation or bursting into flames like a person would actually suffer from.
This was, of course, shadowed by the subtitle, "First Kill". I'm so disillusioned I may not partake of a sequel if it does happen, but probably will if the price is right.
John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023)
Typical Wickness
After a drop off in story quality a bit with parts 2 and 3, John Wick is doing what he does best - building up a huge body count.
A totally coherent plot is not necessary for these. However it is nice to see a modicum of effort involved. Our story here will not win any awards, but it's just a series of flimsy excuses to have endless fight scenes play out. Lots of ammunition is expended, lots of people are kicked, thrown around and punched. And if you enjoy seeing people meeting an unfortunate encounter with a vehicle (moving or stationary), you will not be disappointed.
All the John Wick films have a 1990's era Homg Kong action movie vibe. Other than maybe the first, this one captures that feel the best of the bunch.
The Black Phone (2021)
Horror Movie Survival Training
Liberties needed to be taken with the source material. The Joe Hill short story this is based on is only about 30 pages in length. However, there's no doubt that key elements only come from that source. Namely the protagonist, Finney, Ethan Hawke as The Grabber, and the eponymous black phone.
The Grabber has been abducting, torturing and killing children for some time when Finney becomes the grabbed. Finney comes to realize that the phone is a supernatural link to the dead predecessors.
In a marvelous departure from the book, it seems that as each murdered child gives Finney their take on how to escape, he ends up in a worse position than before taking the advice. What he doesn't realize at first is that each ghostly messenger is providing a single piece of the puzzle, a puzzle that Finney puts all together to win his freedom and end the Grabber's reign of terror.
A downside - additional screen time is added to a psychic sister red herring sub plot that doesn't add a whole lot.
Overall a solid story and well worth the time.
Shark Side of the Moon (2022)
Every Once In Awhile...
You hear the title of a movie and you just say to yourself: I bet the restless spirit of Ed Wood is out there somewhere. Possessing a filmmaker, and making him churn out a movie that has absolutely no scientific basis matching reality.
One might think it was an homage to Sharknado movies, but it appears to be played straight up without the campy, self-aware charm of those movies. It's hard to take seriously when everybody including hybrid sharks are traipsing about the moon without helmets. The moon is apparently a five minute flight away from the Earth. And sharks speak Russian, because of course they do.
None of this is meant to indicate that it's not entertaining. It's just that it's only entertaining for the so bad that it's good crowd. And the ending is open enough that a sequel isn't out of the question!!
Cold Ground (2017)
The Blair Wolf Project
It's not necessarily fair to call it a werewolf movie except:
1). Our intrepid band of idiots that are being stalked by an unknown creature wonders if it might be a werewolf. Or yeti, or Sasquatch.
2). The four pack of bargain basement budget movies I purchased at Walmart calls this a collection of werewolf movies.
3). A chance to make a Blairwolf pun is something I can't pass up.
There's no doubt that somebody was influenced by Blair Witch for this. It just screams, "Wouldn't it be call if there was a vicious mostly unseen monster stalking campers that wasn't a witch, but something else? Let's make a movie!!!" Love or hate found footage movies, this will never change your mind because it follows the exact same formula. Except the viral marketing campaign. Maybe throw in one bonus point (plus or minus) for the French aspect where at times we have English subtitles during spoken French and then switching back to English.
Fastball (2016)
For Lovers of the Game and Science
I thoroughly enjoyed this mix of anecdotes and science talk of speed, reaction times and the apparently blundered upon perfect distance from the pitcher's mound to the plate. It's remarkable that a human being can literally train themselves to react in less time than you can blink. And of course the fastball will remain king since even the best batters have to just take a best guess when one of the famous fire ballers involved here is/was on the mound.
I find most of the amusing anecdotes are from past players, which are largely unlisted in the credits here. It would have been very easy to include them in the cast credits as archived footage.
Do be prepared for them to touch on the old myth of the rising fastball. It doesn't. It's just a batter's perceived optical illusion that occurs since a 100mph fastball doesn't have time to drop as much. To put it a different way, if a ball could actually rise beyond the force of gravity, this defying the laws of physics, a machine would have been made to make a weapon out of it long ago.
Chupacabra vs. the Alamo (2013)
Niche Filler
The world does need the occasionally bad movie that embraces the badness to mix things up. Now the question is, was the badness intentional or not? Ultimately it does not matter as the result is the same.
It's not cool to use a real gun in a movie when a wooden prop gun will suffice. So for starters the wooden prop here is an aging Erik Estrada playing a law enforcer with a CHP on his shoulder. Once you get to the confrontation (and the lead up drive to it) where he delivers the line about "this Grandpa beating you up like a piñata", you will have a good idea if you want to bother watching anything further.
The motorcycle, although clearly switching to a real actor which may or may not be Estrada, at the end of the ride is clearly a superimposed image over a moving scenery matte background. And then while pumping the punk for information he threatens him with taking him for a ride downtown to interrogate him at the station. On his motorcycle.
If you howl in laughter like me at this you will not totally waste your time with this movie. I hope that doesn't spoil too much for those that want to take a chance. This type of thing has been done better, and it's been done worse.