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Zombie Apocalypse (2011)
First 10 minutes of the movie
- Zombies take over the world. Good start.
- Plane crashes into Big Ben. Why do they hate that clock so much in apocalypse movies?
- Governments purposely blow out all communications. Apparently the zombies were coordinating on Facebook, or hiring Ubers or something. Clever beasts. That'll show them.
- Governments blow up roads too, probably due to zombie biker gangs. God, I hope they don't learn to walk.
- Six months later: "Why did we we leave the cabin? Oh man, I'm starving. Let's look for food in this CAR REPAIR SHOP. What a ripoff, there's no food in the TOOL KIT."
-Make a lot of noise hammering on a 1950's candy machine like the apes at the start of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Oops, zombies attracted.
- Double barrelled shotgun has infinite shots. But not infinite enough.
- Big damned heroes teleport in, swinging large blunt objects.
- Someone dies. Someone cries over the body. It zombifies. People act surprised. It's been SIX MONTHS already and they still don't know the basics.
- Pause the movie, write a review.
Real Magick (2022)
If you can finish this, you have magical powers already
Sixty minutes of gibbering pseudoscience, narrated erratically by someone on "magick" mushrooms trying to suppress his hiccups.
The central premise, as far as I could understand, is that we always had magical powers to change the universe, and science has proven it. Here's the first question a scientist would ask: prove it. Give us one tiny incantation that can change the universe in any kind of way that can be measured and replicated.
Bonus points: the rich and powerful know how to manipulate these powers, because of course they do. They couldn't possibly be rich and powerful because all of society is built to keep them there. If these secret societies have all this wisdom, why do they waste it on material wealth? And if they're obsessed with the material, why do they still get sick, age, and die?
Nope. Sixty minutes of sparkly computer effects and synthesizer noises. NOTE: 10 stars if you're on on mushrooms and trying to cure your hiccups.
Charlotte Wakes (2017)
I don't care what the music is trying to tell me...
Halfway into the movie, and I still don't care what the jump scare music is trying to tell me. Toasters popping, cats running across the screen, seeing yourself in a mirror, and bottles of wine are not scary, even if you add an annoying, screeching soundtrack and a jumpy camera.
So far, the first supernatural thing I've seen is a weird dream, which looks like it's real, then she wakes up and gets scared at something else, which, it turns out, was also a dream.
I suppose the premise of the movie of the scariest part: a college girl has to go 3 days without proper cell reception. That's the real nightmare.
Bienvenidos a Edén (2022)
Hardbodies in Paradise
A bunch of beautiful 20 somethings are kidnapped to a desert island, force fed alcohol and brainwashed into a cult. So, basically based on the Fyre Festival.
X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019)
I feel so bad
Specifically, I feel bad for the 14 year old who should be getting royalties for his fan-fiction.
Ghost Town Gold (2012)
Painfully fake
Pretty sure if they stopped by the local gas station to take a leak, they'd find Buffalo Bill's rifle hanging on the bathroom stall wall and a pair of original Levis signed by Billy the Kid under the sink.
Everywhere they go, rare and valuable treasures just pour out. It's almost as though they've been placed there waiting for the pickers to find them.
Because that's exactly how the show has been set up.
On Pointe (2018)
A compelling tragedy, Dickensian in scope, Shakespearean in performance
A beautiful, talented, spectacularly smart young woman has dedicated her life to dance. Everyone envies her. Her dance instructor may or may not have a candle-lit shrine to her in the back of his studio. She drives a brand new Lexus despite the fact that she isn't out of high school. She is perfection incarnate.
She has no friends, because who would want to be friends with a beautiful, talented, spectacularly smart young woman with a hot car. Her most vicious enemy is her psychotically spiteful mother, who is mysteriously only five years older than she is.
But then, tragedy! Life comes crashing down around her after she gets a couple of B's on her math. Yes, B's. Suddenly she is forced to give up dance forever, ostensibly because they have no money (the Lexus must be a lease) but mostly because her mother literally hates her. Then her dad announces he wants a divorce, and no one can be surprised why.
Luckily her math tutor is the same age as she is, hunky, and plays a soulful guitar. That's as far as I got before this epic tale of a privileged white girl crashing into the depths of slightly less privilege made me run from the room weeping at the injustice of this cold, uncaring universe.
The Titan (2018)
Mixed messages, bad science, lame characters
The world is collapsing: nuclear warfare, global catastrophes, famine, disease, cats and dogs living in sin...
But enough of that. Let's pan to a gated hyper-luxury resort town where all the scientists drive sparkly new gas guzzlers, drink wine and tequila, barbecue daily, eat fresh veggies, and everyone has a swimming pool in their backyard. Too late for recycling, let's party!
The only people who can save the universe are a bunch of alpha-type soldier-survivalists who mock the only scientist who signed up for the mission. Their mission: to get massive DNA upgrades so they can fly to a place that's even worse than Earth and live there, which should somehow make everything better. Also they have wives and kids, which is somehow important until the end of the movie, when it's not.
As for the plot...have you watched The Fly? This is The Fly. Except the ending, which is the start of Prometheus.
Designated Survivor (2016)
Pretty sure it made me bleed internally..!
Okay, let's get this out of the way: I am a Canadian. I have no political affiliation when it comes to American politics. If I were forced to, I would probably qualify myself as more left than right.
But man, I never thought I'd find myself agreeing with all of the angry reviewers who qualify this as liberal propaganda. It is. This show is blatant, manipulative, and contrived. It lacks the Machiavellian nuance of House of Cards, and hasn't a speck of the intensity of 24. It's just minute after minute being mugged by Hollywood sensibilities.
Watching this show was so painful that I only got through two episodes before finding blood in my urine, so I had to turn it off. Luckily, I don't have to sit through any more because the plot is so obvious, it might as well be laid out in the opening credits.
The only reason I gave the show two stars is that Kiefer Sutherland is also a Canadian.