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Reviews
1962 Halloween Massacre (2023)
Wow, this was awful
And even though I watched it for free on a streaming service, I want my money back. I made it exactly 54 minutes in before I decided that whatever payoff I might be slowly trundling my way towards, it wasn't going to be worth it. When I was younger I would have endured it through to the end just so I could say that I came out the other side, but alas for the people involved with the creation of this mess, I couldn't do it. If you are the sort of person who reads reviews prior to watching movies, give this movie a big skip. If you are someone who helped make it, I hope you eventually develop the talent to create something successful.
My biggest grief is that none of those people looked or acted like they were from 1962. A few lines of era-appropriate dialogue couldn't sell it. There were more things I didn't like, but it's not worth the time to write them down. I essentially interrupted my schedule to, I guess, ward off the unwary. There are plenty of other horror movies out there, watch one of them instead.
The Hunted (2013)
So, so boring.
The slow pace, the uninteresting characters-- I feel like I wasted my time with this. One of the things that really wrecked my suspension of disbelief was the proper diction of the characters. Huntin' folks don't talk like that, period. Nothing in this built up tension, I just wanted it to throw out a few more bread crumbs along the way. Maybe my expectations going in were too high. Maybe I just wanted to see a film set in West Virginia that I could recommend. This is not it. I mean, it's not a crime against humanity or anything, but it's proof that if you're going to do a "lost hope in the woods in the dark" movie, you really need to bring something new to the table.
Velma (2023)
Just bad.
Tried and tried to think of something positive to say, anything at all.
The writing is bad, the voice talent isn't very good (disappointing considering some of the names involved), the animation is lacklustre, it's a misguided attempt to use an iconic intellectual property. IMDB requires 600 characters and I really don't see the point of slathering more shade onto this negligible body of hot garbage. I mean, I'm sure you're heard how bad this is by now, go ahead and give it a look if you feel like it deserves a fair shake. Everyone's entitled to his, her, or their own opinion. My opinion is that it's terrible. I bet that will be your opinion also.
Somebody, make this go away forever.
Yuck.
The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)
Bad.
This movie is so bad, the Cliff's Notes explaining just how bad it is would be an inch thick. Don't go see it, don't rent the DVD. When the commercial for it defiles your TV, change the channel quickly or risk permanent damage to your mind and the minds of your friends and families. Yuck. Watch the TV series if you must. I watched it when I was much younger and admit that nostalgia was the key to my being tricked into catching the new one. 1. Burt Reynolds was once A-list Hollywood talent. Look into his backlist. 2. Willie Nelson is a legend in the American music scene. Look into his music, even if you don't like country-- I don't enjoy the genre, but I like his stuff. 3. Jessica Simpson is an attractive young woman. 4. In my opinion, Seann William Scott has been funny in other movies. 5. Johnny Knoxville is that Jackass guy, right?
May the unquiet spirit of Waylon Jennings forgive them all.