katharineshowalter Reviews

Bad Boys: Ride or Die (2024)

Welcome to Consequences?

[1/10 · 5 June 2024]

Now let me tell you a tale 'bout Fresh Prince's reign, Been around too long, gotta slap him out the game.

How he keep gettin' roles? I don't understand, I ain't watchin' his movies, ain't part of the plan.

Rich and famous, yeah, they dodge every sting, At the Oscars, actin' rude, man, that's just the thing.

Disrespectful, violent, a civility diss Should've been slapped outta Hollywood, not on the wrist.

Slapped away, slapped away, outta the scene, No room for bad behavior, that's what I mean.

No more worshippin' folks actin' so unchill, Time for real consequences, that's how we build.

But I guess if you're a Scientologist, got connections tight, You can slide through anything, secrets outta sight.

But nah, ain't buyin' it, ain't playin' that game, Fresh Prince should've been slapped, put out to shame.

So let's rise up, demand better, that's what we do, No more excuses for folks actin' so rude.

Slap 'em outta here, make the message clear, "Bad" behavior ain't welcome, that's how we steer.

American Fiction (2023)

Razorblade Satire

[10/10 · 15 May 2024]

AMERICAN FICTION is not just an indictment of trauma peddlers from Sapphire to Sean Cosby but also a poignant family drama.

Intellectual, upper-class author Thelonious "Monk" Ellison (Jeffrey Wright) writes books that don't sell well. What does sell very well is racism and trauma porn - to white audiences. As his agent tells him: "White people think they want the truth, but they don't. They want to feel absolved."

The movie really brings home this idea in scenes with white intellectuals and studio execs fawning over Ellison's faux ghetto manuscript. The over-the-top pandering work affirms their vision of the harsh lives that African Americans lives but also allows them to feel better about themselves for supporting the book.

Cord Jefferson sharpens this satire of the publishing world from Percival Everett's novel but also improves on the book by focusing more on the family dynamics. In elegant scenes that really represent, Ellison struggles to get along with and cohere his African-American upper-class mom and estranged siblings.

A great movie, uncomfortable at times, but well worth watching.

Mother of the Bride (2024)

Oh, Brooke

[1/10 · 14 May 2024]

In twilight's glow, a muse so fair does shine, Brooke Shields, thy beauty like a dawn's embrace, Each glance, a verse in love's eternal line, In thy grace, all hearts find their hallowed place.

Thy talent, like a symphony, doth soar, A master's touch upon life's canvas rare, From PRETTY BABY to ENDLESS LOVE and more, In each role, a soulful depth you bear.

Amidst the glitz of runways you have graced, And silver screens where brilliance found its way, Each step, each frame, a masterpiece embraced, In memories, your magic holds its sway.

Yet, now, in MOTHER OF THE BRIDE, we find, Talent such as yours, in cliches. Confined.

Late Night with the Devil (2023)

Well, Anything's Better than Jimmy Fallon

[2/10 · 14 May 2024]

LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL is a clever idea (Captain Howdy guests on THE TONIGHT SHOW), but it lacks soul and depth, and so, beyond some scary imagery, is never really frightening or even very interesting.

We meet TV celeb Jack Delroy and, quickly we're told he's sold his soul to the devil or demon or whatever. So you figure we'll be waiting for the other hoof to drop - but then we learn minutes later that his wife died of cancer, so, bamf, there it is. What else is left to his arc? And when he seems surprised about this revelation later, it makes little sense. Does anyone expect a deal with a demon to go off without a hitch?

It might have made more sense if we'd gotten to know Delroy beyond his TV persona, but we never do. The premise that we're watching a talk show already removes the characters from us because as characters they're all performing. There are little moments of "recovered footage," but they don't quite mesh together with the rest of the movie, which clumsily tries to be a documentary and/or a found footage movie.

The most intense moment here is the appearance of the demon on live TV (not a spoiler since it's in the trailer), but the build up to it is awkward, and everything afterward feels anticlimactic. So, we get that visually shocking sequence, but we don't feel the gravity of any of it.

Frankly, it seems all celebs sell their souls for fame, so what's really horrifying here? The setup is ripe for humor, satire, and social commentary, and it's a pity that the script lacks any of that.

David Dastmalchian is fine here, showing some range, but it's Ingrid Torelli who is the most compelling, playing a more self-aware Regan MacNeil, hungry less for priest's souls than for her 15 minutes.

True Detective (2014– )

Prestige Copaganda

[2/10 · 24 February 2024]

A parade of movie stars slum on TV in this anthology of tales of dirty cops.

In series one, Matthew McConaughey (SURFER, DUDE) and Woody Harrelson (CHEERS) play vicious, brutal misogynists who are supposed to be redeemed because they're after pedophiles. Some cosmic horror is suggested for pretentious window dressing. Consciously directed but sags deeply in the middle.

In the much worse series two, Colin Farrell (or is that Johnny Depp?) and Rachel McAdams and her mole, the cops get even more corrupt. The result is repetitive, predictable, boring, and vulgar. Vince Vaughn plays Vince Vaughn. Just a slog of a series.

Series three improves slightly via an invested performance by Mahershala Ali. Stephen Dorff (DORF ON GOLF) is in this, too. Here the cops are killers again. Endangered children are used as a plot device, again. Again, supernatural elements (ghosts, sigh) are used to decorate the plate. But overall the meal is not worth the calories.

At this point you have to wonder what the point of the series is? That all cops are bad, but the people they're after are worse, so we should let our law enforcers be maverick vigilantes? Is it that the state of the world -- our government, our criminal justice system, our entire society -- is so corrupt that we should just sit back and enjoy it? Or is that men are toxically bad -- but wait...

In a bid for innovation, series four introduces two woman cops, Clarice Starling and her partner (discount Queen Latifah), but they're just as corrupt as their predecessors. Already having a mutual history of vigilante justice, they join forces to solve a crime of vigilante justice. Allusions to series one and JOHN CARPENTER'S THE THING ham-fistedly occur. The quality of music, which was not bad before, drops significantly. Again, supernatural elements (ghosts, sigh) and perhaps some local goddess nonsense, which does more to Other the native Alaskans as mystical people tied to the spirits. Are we not tired of this stereotype yet?

TL;DR Cops break laws, execute people without trials, but we're supposed to like them because they're pretty celebrities.

Monarch: Legacy of Monsters (2023– )

Avoid All Monsters

[1/10 · 30 January 2024]

As noted by many, Kurt Russell and his son Wyatt are the only standouts here, bringing gravitas and professional-level acting to their scenes. Everyone else is abysmal. This is one of the worst TV shows I've seen in a long time.

Frankly, the premise is lame from the start. As in the (pretty dull) movies, the monsters have almost no personalities, so there's no drama that can be gleaned there. In order to give them personalities you'd have to anthropomorphize them, give them big eyes, do physical humor, as in the '70s Godzilla movies, but then you're writing for kids. This show wants to be for teens and adults. So the monsters get majorly sidelined, and the drama is shifted to a gaggle of humans. Sadly, the producers have given us boring, annoying, and poorly acted humans. Again, the aforementioned Russells are fine, but everyone else seems like a producer's nephew or some intern who strolled by the set and got handed a script.

On top of that, it's a show about giant monsters played super straight. No humor whatsoever. What drama there is is just teen soap opera antics with everyone constantly asking how other people feel. Scenes just drag. Episodes drag. You keep hoping for some kaiju to come along and squish them.

The plot involves conspiracies and secrets. Yawn. The writing is dreadful, cliche, flat. You feel bad for Kurt and Wyatt having to recite such garbage. But it's nice to think that of dad and son enjoying being on the same set and kibbitzing by the catering.

AKA Mr. Chow (2023)

Pretentiousness Personified

[3/10 · 7 January 2024]

This documentary parallels the Mr. Chow restaurant chain - a lot of flash, but ultimately unfulfilling and not a little bit oily.

While there are fascinating aspects to Michael Chow's biography (immigration, racism, colonialism, totalitarianism, oppression, AIDS), these remain mostly unexplored. This documentary functions for the most part as a hagiographic informercial for a purposefully zany millionaire. Why have we been getting so many of these sleek, superficial bios of corporate figures and stories of corporations lately? Looking at you, FERRARI. And that ridiculous BLACKBERRY movie. Have we run out of heroes to believe in? Or has the dream of moving up in class been so thoroughly shot through that it no longer holds any narrative truth?

Chow's story contains aspects of struggle, but never financial ones. And his personal ones are glossed over rather abruptly. We find him in his 80s, hair dyed, in a tailored suit, married to a much younger woman (oh, there's got to be some messy gossip there, but we never hear it), in his vast studio filled with his pretty, but self-indulgent art, where he can afford to hire staff to bring him paint and hammers. It all feels very artificial, and there isn't a whiff of critique.

The documentary suggests that Chow's character is performative and therefore he is unknowable. Yeah, sure, whatever. But they didn't worry about making him likable.

A Million Miles Away (2023)

A Million Miles from Memorable

[1/10 · 18 October 2023]

So, uh, Michael Pena's family's working in the field, right? And he's, like, this big-time math nerd that is getting all treated like a janitor for a throwaway gag.

And he's, like, dating this chick Marisa I think her name was, and she tells him, Hey, you belong up in space. And here comes the weird part. Michael Pena says: Yo, man. Spaceships look a lot like corn husks peeled back. Let's show that a lot. Like, a lot a lot.

Of course NASA comes to him 'cause he's been applying every year since he was five. Of course they ask him: Pena, with your mind so bright, won't you guide our rocket tonight? And he's like, Yeah, dog. I gotta go up and see my boy, Xenu.

And then, super legit, he gets into space and helps save Matt Damon.

I Am Groot (2022– )

I *AM* Groot

[10/10 · 8 September 2023]

Kudos to Kirsten Lepore. I AM GROOT is the best, most consistently entertaining MCU product in years. It's certainly the best of Phase 4 or whatever phase the studio behemoth is in, and it's the certainly the best work of Vin Diesel's career and probably his easiest payday. Future trivia pub schlubs will say, "Did you know the guy who voiced Groot did some action movies as an actor?"

As a character, Groot is a perfect archetypal imp, the wide-eyed not-so-innocent who leaves chaos and lots of leaves in his wake. He is as charming here as he is the GOTG movies, and the show does what a Disney+ shows should do - let us spend more time getting to a know a character we loved from the films. These storylines are funny, endearing, and quirky edging on edgy. The episodes look beautiful and are well paced.

Maybe all of the MCU's next phase should take place in five-minute bursts?

Ahsoka (2023– )

Ah . . . No Hope

[1/10 · 24 August 2023]

Well, score another one for our future robot overlords. The droids here are the most interesting characters, and the script definitely feels like it was written by AI. All the "humans" come off as flat and dull, except for Ray Stevenson. Oh, but the silly dialogue they make him recite.

Meanwhile, Rosario Dawson looks bored out of her mind and very much like she'd rather be doing something else. Mary Elizabeth Winstead is completely wasted, standing around, nodding, and reciting mostly unnecessary exposition in monotone. Seriously, were the directors instructed to direct like George Lucas? There are many other characters who are so similar in personality it's hard to tell them apart. Whoever plays the sandwich-needing Jedi/Mandolorian/punk girl (shades of Super Skrull!) is straight out of the CW School of Acting. It's cringe whenever she's in a scene. There's a few others, but who cares?

And there are light sabers everywhere, and Baylon is bemoaning the lack of Jedis? There seems to be an epidemic of them. And what's up with people going into hiding and then leaving elaborate maps behind for people to find them? That has to be the stupidest, laziest MacGuffin in history!

One point of trivia: Ahsoka is NOT a former Jedi Knight. She never made it that far in her training. Did Marketing not talk to Continuity again? It's part of what used to make her interesting.

Hot Ones (2015– )

Rates High on Scoville Points

[9/10 · 2 August 2023]

HOT ONES is a simple yet perfect idea for a show: celebrity guests ingest increasingly hot food while an amiable and well prepared host asks them thought-provoking questions.

Watching the stars sweating, dribbling (from nose and mouth), getting red lipped and red faced is part of the charm here. Although some handle it with a lot less charm or consideration than others. Skip the Kevin Hart, Joe Budden, DJ Khaled, Shaq, Taraji B. Henson, Post Malone, and Charlie Day episodes, unless you want to witness how privilege and fame makes one unkind, entitled, and clueless.

Unlike the rancid pap of morning, midday, and late night chat shows, where every appearance is cynically and dully commercial, with HOT ONES you get the sense that you've learned something about the person being interviewed.

This is not just because they are disarmed by their physical discomfort, but also because great interviewer and genuinely funny host Sean Evans asks excellent, not-throwaway questions.

One more plus: This show is fully aware of what it is and never tries to be more than that.

Secret Invasion (2023)

Invasively Dull and Stupid

[1/10 · 29 July 2023]

Oh, what an absolute fail. From the first episode, in which well-liked characters are brought in then brushed away -- and killed -- nonchalantly, blandly, without any sense of impact, it is clear that the writing and direction for this series would be sub-par.

Watching week by week, I realized this was the worst performance I had ever seen by Samuel Jackson. Usually, he is reliably watchable and interesting in everything he does. But here he looks tired and bored, and many scenes come off as rehearsals with bland of off-key line deliveries. He's got a Skrull wife in this, but that plot line never adds up to anything.

Ben Mendelsohn returns as the dull Skrull leader Talos, dully delivering his lines in an inexplicable Australian accent. (Honestly, he does seem bored the whole time.) Why don't all the other Skrulls have Aussie accents when they're in Skrull form?

Kingsley Ben-Adir plays Gravik, and he's got a British accent. And that's about all I remember about him. AGENTS OF SHIELD was a mediocre show but it had better villains that this.

Oh, look it's Olivia Colman being all Olivia Colman. Isn't she interesting? What, as a psychopathic killer working for the government? We're supposed to like her?

Oh here's Don Cheadle, finally getting more than three lines to react with. But nothing is done with the fact that he's been lying to everyone for years. Does he not have a family or friends or coworkers? We never really get the consequences of his/her being a Skrull, so who cares?

Oh here, comes Emilia Clarke as G'iah, a bland character who only registers as "Wasn't she on that horrible THRONES show?" She stares a lot here. And then she gets all the superpowers in the world to become Super Mary Sue. Absolutely no drama, interest, or emotion to her arc. At least make her a poor speller!

Strangest of all is Samuel Adewunmi as Beto, whose arc for several episodes seems to be building toward something important -- is he a spy? Is he Fury's son? Oh no, he disapproves of Gravik's methods -- and one scene later he's dead. And no one ever speaks of him again.

Why am I even bothering to watch these shows? With the exception of HAWKEYE, MCU's Disney+ shows are very, very poorly done, and their movies have dive-bombed in quality ever since ENDGAME. Either Feige doesn't care anymore or he's just a figurehead and the money guys have taken over product completely.

Frankly, crap like this, which sounds like it was written by a machine, makes the writers' strike ironic. (Tween fans on Reddit come up with much better plot ideas and twists.) Too much C Suite types are giving notes in the MCU. If this is the kind of crap you want to produce, might as well let a machine do it at this point.

Stan Lee (2023)

Middling Marvel Memories!

[2/10 · 21 June 2023]

A glossy cover without substance inside. You know how when your grandpa tells stories that as he gets older the stories get retconned so he sounds more and more like a hero? Stan Lee has been doing this since the '70s. Stuff that just happened by chance or that Ditko or Kirby came up with, Lee says came to him after some inspiration or consideration. Sure, Stan. Anyone who has seen him speak at a con knows he was all hot air and self-hagiography. Lee became a salesman in the '70s, and frankly he had to, to stay in the biz. And it was through his ruthless salemanship that comic books became as influential as they became to you and me. Did he screw over Kirby and Ditko? Most certainly. Roy Thomas is the one who says the smartest thing in this doc-that Kirby and Ditko and Lee were able to do what they did only because they worked together. But for the most part that of nuance is missing from this CBS Sunday Morning-style puff piece. The story of Lee and Marvel needs to be told alongside the story of the commercialization/corporate takeover and cheapening of the value of comic book heroes. That's the crossover event I want to see.

Star Trek: Picard (2020–2023)

There Are Better Fan Films

[1/10 · 29 May 2023]

Beam this into space and fire all your photon torpedoes at it. This series continues the mistake of confusing the milquetoast Jean-Luc from the TV series with the Kirkified Picard of the TNG movies, forgetting what made him different, if never very interesting.

Season 1 jettisons much of what was foretold in the TNG series (marriage with Dr. Crusher, the Amish beard) and introduces a game, but feeble Picard, then surrounds him with boring characters. Which, to be fair, is the status quo. There is some blather about the corrupt Federation that goes nowhere and the first series ends with the idiotic decision to turn him into an android. So I skipped season 2 and read about it on Wikipedia. Trite nonsense.

But season 3 was, according to many viewers, supposed to be a huge improvement. Alas, the producers (including Hollywood's least talented hack Akiva Goldsman) did not make it so. Picard sleepwalks through his scenes like a great grandpa brought to the reunion party and told where to stand for pictures.

Characters from the TNG series are sprinkled back in, reminding us again after 30 years of their utter lack of charisma. Frakes is as wooden as ever, and his conflicts with Picard here fly in the face of everything we've been told about his boring character in the movies. Dr. Crusher has distractingly become one of the Son'a. And Worf was still played better by Christopher Judge in STARGATE SG1. Still, they're all better than the new sidekicks of the first two series, none of whom are worth noting or remembering. Unfortunately, for season 3 they kept Raffaela, who, even with the sound off during her scenes, still seems like she's desperate for an Emmy. Seven of Nine also returns, to glower once more.

In a straight rip-off of a WOK plot point, Picard and Crusher had a son. Thank the Force for 25th century obstetrics. Although plastic surgery has not improved. And who knew that accents were genetic? (There's a handwave explanation for this, but it's dumb.) Out of character, she hid from Picard and her TNG fam for years (to shack up with an grandmother's boytoy??). Apparently Jack Crusher got recessive Borg genes from his dad and also his tendency to overact but not alas his hairline.

Amanda Plummer hams it up as a villain, in one of series of many, many, many cheap and unearned callbacks to TOS. I mean, there is one in every scene, a piece of dialogue, a camera angle, a snatch of music - it's gratuitous and desperate. There's fan service and then there's exploitation of fan memories, which PICARD is.

The sluggish pacing and the flat dialogue give the whole thing a sense of pantomime, as if the troupe if getting together for a charity video.

Frankly, the only notable part of TNG - the Borg - have been beaten to death and there was no compelling reason to revisit the series except $$$. But please, please, please don't give us STAR TREK: KIRK. If anything we needed a CAPTAIN SULU.

Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023)

A Giant Waste

[3/10 · 22 May 2023]

The Ant Man movies have been distinguished by light plots, generic villains (even for the MCU), and odd riffs that, while not always very funny, were welcome in their weirdness. But with this movie, aside from an slapdash attempt to include M. O. D. O. K., all of that weirdness is gone. More than any other MCU film so far, this feels like just a Disney movie.

The writing here is awful, just uninspired and flat. The direction feels off, and scenes have the feel of a sketch or a spoof.

Looking tired and emanating little of his usual energy, Paul Rudd plods through the film, given little to work with, no arc, no agency. Evangeline Lilly is lovely but has also no agency. A late romantic declaration comes from nowhere and falls flat, since there was no moment to contrast it against. (Also, by the way, if she's really working to use Pym particles to benefit the world, MCU Earth will be a utopia soon. Just as with vibranium, if all the comic book tech truly existed at large, the MCU's verisimilitude would go out the window.)

Michael Douglas probably had a ball showing his grandkids around the set. Michelle Pfeiffer is the exposition queen, once the contrivance of her withholding info runs out, and she's super-spry for a 60-something. She gets more action scenes than Hope, who should have been a bigger part of the MCU by this point. A real shame. And then there's Cassie, whose name I remember only because Scott Lang says it 75 times. She isn't particularly interesting or funny or charismatic. She's just generic movie teen. But it seems she'll be the one you'll be seeing more of in future MCU fodder, if you want to see them at all anymore. (I've found myself skipping them more and more often.)

Jonathan Majors is the only one taking things seriously and bringing weight to his scenes. But his character's motivations are murky and he is never threatening enough. At no point does it feel like anyone is in any real danger. Oh, and once again there are side characters who, it is painfully obvious, exist only to check boxes. Which I guess is nice but does the movie no favors.

The Diplomat (II) (2023– )

Felicity Goes Abroad

[6/10 · 16 May 2023]

Felicity is all grown up and now an U. S. ambassador to the U. K., although she really has a higher purpose, which seems to be having to decide between her husband, a former fancy pants ambassador (Ben Covington) and the UK Foreign Secretary (Noel Crane). Actually, while preposterous, this is a slick, entertaining show, maybe because of its preposterousness. There are elements of satire here that would be great if expanded upon. Meanwhile, Russell and Sewell are great fun to watch. She has a gallant crew of diverse sidekicks, including an uptight man (Carter Heywood?) who is uptight and is in a contrived relationship with a walking bad haircut (Samara?), and then there is Skippy from FAMILY TIES. It's all very soapy, but at least not every one talks the same way. Plus, Rory Kinnear reprises his role as the PM from BLACK MIRROR.

The Mother (2023)

The JLo Ultimomum

[1/10 · 12 May 2023]

Maybe because Jennifer Garner got to do it with PEPPERMINT, JLo needed and demanded her own action femme JOHN WICK, so one of her lackeys caught LONG KISS GOODNIGHT one night on cable and had a script for her in the morning, which she immediately approved without reading. What do the words matter anyway? As long as JLo gets a hospital room sad scene and then gets to punch information out of someone, it's a green light. Another lackey is sent out to find the most handsome B- and C- list actors available.

You know the drill. Assassin goes AWOL. In this case, it's not because of a secret mission gone wrong, but because she got preggers. She goes under witness protection (?) and dumps the offspring off with middle class people. Years later, long enough for the child actor to still be cute but not quite teen obnoxious, JLo kidnaps the kid and attempts to bond with her while killing lots and lots of people with impunity, much like a NYPD cop.

You've seen it all before, maybe not as contrived, but done better (see: LONG KISS GOODNIGHT). Put this on only if you need to background voices while doing a jigsaw puzzle or relining your cabinets.

Perry Mason (2020–2023)

The Verdict

[5/10 · 26 April 2023]

A slickly done, beautifully filmed, gritty reimagining of the ESG character. It's very watchable, but equally frustrating.

While the producers claim Perry Mason was always noir, the truth is he was hard boiled and never this dark and morally gay -- gray, sorry! Matthew Rhys's portrayal is good (although his bright, big chompers are a distraction). He's stuck in the middle of an origin story, so we have to see how much of a schmuck he is before he becomes . . . Less of a schmuck, I guess, with modern storytelling. The episodes are much more enjoyable when he's on his game, being clever, solving things, confronting witnesses. You know, Perry Mason stuff. Often, it's a slog to see him drink to excess and insult people. Realistic, yes. Fun, not so much.

I get it. Every other lawyer show in the world has cloned Mason's courtroom theatrics, so this has to do something new or it risks becoming MATLOCK: THE EARLY YEARS. But the excavation of his character isn't always nuanced or enjoyable. Love the clothes though.

I do appreciate the deconstruction of the mainstream male hero archetype, although here you can see the seams and sometimes it's quite clunky. Characters are given thin or uninteresting arcs but still get long scenes that add nothing except checkboxes. "Did we spend enough time with the Latinx family?" "Give them two more lines and then cut back to Della." Sure enough, whenever Paul Drake talks to his wife or Della Street talks to Hamilton Burger, it's a good time for a bathroom break because the stuff of their conversations is always the same. Equal time and representation is clearly a principle of the show, but it can be tough to pull off and still have the narrative and drama work, as when Perry and his (not sidekicks, not cohorts, but equals!!) all show up to confront the lawyer who orchestrated the murder in the last episode of Season 2. The trio crowd the scene and everyone gets a bit of dialogue like it's a sitcom. It feels unrealistic and forced.

Also, the producers clearly want to have strong LGBTQ characters, so we spend a lot of time on Della's love life, which, frankly, isn't very compelling. In Season 2, there is a hint that it might be relevant but that seems to just be a beard, I mean, unsatisfactory red herring. In a mystery show, why spend so, so much time with Della's wisecracking lover unless the lover were somehow involved in the mystery? But, spoilers, she's not at all, and so it's just feels insubstantial. Expectations subverted, I guess, but snooze. And while the show wants to herald these characters, it also seems to fetishize Della's lesbianism, lingering on sex scenes and the female form, so much so that it feels a little exploitative.

Rennervations (2023– )

White Saviors on the Road to Heck

[1/10 · 17 April 2023]

Jeremy Renner is okay. He's a likeable, bland, nice guy. That's his brand. And perhaps, if he is indeed the one who came up with the idea for this show, he had good intentions. Bur we know where that leads. RENNERVATIONS turns out to be just another variation of DIFF'RENT STROKES centered on the rich white male do-gooder instead of the kids. Each episode is an ADHD collection of graphics (LOTS of graphics), meh jokes, goofiness from an obnoxious partner who does what exactly?, and fake drama about the rebuild. Then the producers decide to focus on the trauma of each of the workers instead of any of the people who are supposed be needing these dramatic-but-impractical gifts that Hawkeye bestows on them. "Just take what we give you and don't complain!" Then, perhaps realizing how things might look, they shoe-horn in Guests of Color-Vanessa Hudgens, Anthony Mackie, Sebastián Yatra, also all bland and nice-to give the proceedings an air of inclusion. It was awful about Renner's accident, and I'm glad he seems to be recovering, but Disney marketing jumped on it, must've loved that this PR opp fell right into their laps, and it had to have helped the initial ratings a bit.

Screen Rant Pitch Meetings (2017– )

Pitch Perfect -- How Has No One Used This Already?

[10/10 · 7 February 2023]

We have gotten to a place in filmdom where the parody surpasses the original (attempts at) art. Ryan George is some kind of genius, the way he precisely examines then dissects modern Hollywood content, striking at the (empty, greedy) heart of where all the C Suite garbage originates. It's a brilliant concept -- because the pitch meeting is where all the pablum we are spoonfed is churned into pandering, low-brow, illogical mush. You would think he's shooting his acting career in the foot with this kind of brutally honest evisceration, but, no, Disney or Netflix or Paramount will seek him out for their soulless productions once he gets popular enough. They're parasites, and his show exposes that, not that they care. Honestly, I look more forward to George's pitches than to most actual movies or TV series. He's so much more consistently and intellectually entertaining.

The Menu (2022)

A Selection of Low Hanging Fruit

[2/10 · 6 January 2023]

A half-baked serving of good ideas poorly prepared. Anya Taylor-Joy reheats the same character she's been plating for years now, a huge-eyed hypercompetent, hyperfashionable, omniscient Mary Sue. We never feel she is in danger at any point. There is some weak sauce attempt to give her a Clarice Starling flavor, but it goes nowhere, as do some interesting ideas about the destruction of art. Intriguing questions are raised and left to dissipate in the air, so the whole thing lacks depth and in the end flattens like a frightened souffle. Frankly, when you're presented with a piece of art that skewers the rich but features millionaire performers in a slick package (although the explosion at the end is pretty sad SyFy-level CGI), send it back. The courses veer from attempts at horror to attempts at satire, but we are never frightened nor enlightened. The whole thing passes through you like the thin gruel of an overlong SNL sketch.

Who Killed Santa? A Murderville Murder Mystery (2022 TV Special)

Not Claus for Celebration

[2/10 · 22 December 2022]

Ho ho oof, but such potential with Jason Bateman. There are some good belly laughs there at the start when it's just him with Arnett. And then after 20 minutes Maya Randolph is thrown in the mix, and maybe they thought that would be funny, having her play catch up. But the improv Force is not with her and it just kiboshes any momentum to the show. Her blue language doesn't help either. Then inexplicably, minutes before the end, they throw in a very non-game Pete Davidson, who stands there like a glue-eating child waiting for his SNL cue card. He's awful in everything. Listen, producers, you gotta give some attention to the mystery element to give this show balance, and certainly you have to if the ad-lib stuff is so lame. Like the MURDERVILLE series, this must be lots of yuks for the millionaire participants. They get a paycheck for what looks like a couple hours of work before breaking for sushi. All we get is pain. Stick with the British original.

Warrior Nun (2020–2022)

Holy Cliched Nunsense!

[1/10 · 20 December 2022]

This isn't a show, it's a collection of tropes strung together and worried over by producers with an unyielding faith in cliches. It doesn't amaze me to read heavenly reviews of it since 90% of people posting anywhere on the Internet are marketing interns. Well done you for doing your cynical, pandering job so well.

Speaking of cynical, pandering jobs, WARRIOR NUN is a hellish snorefest. The storylines you've seen before and you can see right now by jumping to just about every other show on (except for police procedurals, which are their own repetitive circle of hell). The acting is lackluster as well, blandly attractive people saying bland things blandly. Every plot and line of dialogue seems copied and pasted from some other infernal trash. Or, more likely, it was written by an AI fed every BUFFY THE VAMPIRE script, losing all wit or sense of agency in the process. Pray they cancel this soon.

Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)

Dances with Smurfs, Part Deux

[1/10 · 14 December 2022]

Beyond the bubblegum exterior, a powerful sentiment drives much of AVATAR 2's action. As Papa Smurf (Sam Worthington, who might be phoning it in; you can't tell because: CGI but also: Sam Worthington) muses from the start, Neytir's identity is rooted in how others perceive her, and she's never been given the opportunity to tell us who she is. Thus, Neytiri sets out to make a name for herself amid a sea of patriarchal social mores that dismiss her perspective.

Along the way, Neytiri's quest teams her with a band of quirky companions, from Cliff Curtis's burly Tonowari, CCH Pounder's of course wise Mo'at, and Sigourney Weaver's American teen except for size Kiri. Even the vocal talents of Kate Winslet -- who sounds as if she'd rather be filming TITANIC 2 than cashing a check, here -- make an appearance in the role of, I think, Smurf Willow, but nothing can lift a drab sense of defeat bubbling under the gloss of Pandora's neon-plastered paint job.

No matter how old-fashioned and doggedly colonial its inclinations are, it's still wrapped in a ridiculous package hand-delivered by cyan humanoids. Absurdity isn't always the mark of simplicity, however. Ambitious films like INSIDE OUT and THE MUPPET MOVIE (Gonzo!) prove sharp wit and blue characters don't have to be mutually exclusive. AVATAR 2 buckles under the pressure of the bar set by far superior titles that have come before it, skimping on narrative nuance in favor of a showy fireworks display that's bound to distract nondiscerning cheese eaters on a lazy Sunday afternoon, but might leave anyone with a brain blue in the face.

She-Hulk: Attorney at Law (2022)

Lady in Green

[2/10 · 5 December 2022]

Too often the CGI here is uncanny valley, a lot more than it should be for a product from one of the most obscenely rich corporations on the planet. Maybe they don't care. Maybe they know we'll watch anything once, and that's enough to pay for another yacht for everyone on the board. Still, Tatiana Maslany is excellent in this show, selling the character, bringing the charm, and trying very hard to make the humor work. Unfortunately, that last bit is what holds this superhero sitcom back from being a smash: the writing and the direction. The jokes fall flat too often and the director does little to help sell them. The supporting cast is universally blah. Wong is fine, but a little Wong goes a long way. I'll admit Madisynn was hilarious, but also annoying spot on. We don't need to see her again. It's She-Hulk's show, but the cameos do help, giving the show some depth (via its MCU connection) when too often it feels like empty fluff. There's an attempt to add tension via an ongoing background plot, but it's too attenuated to have impact. And that meta finale? It's been done before and much better.