Krusader_Donkey Reviews

Beauty and the Beast (I) (2017)

DHKR: Beauty and the Beast (2017)

[5/10 · 23 March 2017]

TL;DR version: This is probably going to be one of my most conflicted reviews I've ever written. On the one hand, I get to talk trash about another live action remake from Disney. On the other hand, it also has a lot of things going for it that I could even consider it to be a huge improvement to the disaster that was Cinderella (2015). Please keep in mind this is also after some time of recollecting the film and comparisons to the 1991 animated version, so take this review with a grain of salt.

With that in mind, let's get on with it.

This movie does not exactly do the original justice by any stretch of the word. Many parts of it unfortunately felt as if it was more of a hollow shell of what it could've potentially been, and that's probably the worst thing going for it. Well, there a three parts to why it does not stand to the original, and one of which might not affect your viewing pleasure, or displeasure.

One major problem was mostly in regards of how it tries to lengthen the story and how it also somehow drains it of what made it so good in the first place. It's pretty much a word for word, copy-pasted version of the animated movie, just with extra bits and songs added in to lengthen it's runtime. In many cases, it didn't really work out, and it gave me some flashbacks of Cinderella (2015). Songs that were added in this case were executed poorly to the point where it felt as if they were added in mere days before release. There was, however, a good use of added time where it did seem to work in a shocking emotional gut punch, but it's small compared to the unfortunately lacking remainder of the story it leads to.

Another problem, which was actually a variable, was the use of 3D. Seeing this in an IMAX theatre, 3D glasses and all with everything going on, it is enough to make you nauseas. Whether it was the scene involving a snowball(which, spoiler alert, was the only reason it was probably released for 3D, no joke), or just how most of the film was just moving all over the place in speed, that might make give you a small migraine at best, and close to getting you sick Worst Case Scenario. this is only with the 3D version, so if you were to go to the movie, I would probably recommend seeing it in 2D.

The third and probably the worst problem going for it was the look of it. It's a beautiful looking movie, don't get me wrong, but it's still chuck full of some of the worst looking, uncanny kinds of CGI I had seen. It tries to make these figures as realistic as possible and have them look somewhat human as well. In some cases, it looks OK, like with Lumierre, and maybe Cogsworth. In others, it was downright scary to the point where i wouldn't recommend this to young children.(Chip STILL creeps me the heck out!) Outside of CGI, the Beast's look was pretty underwhelming as well. Rather than a menacing monster, it looks more like a guy in a furry body suit. It's impressive, and props to the designers for making him look as real as he could, but all I see is more of a thin, brown version of Asgore Dreemurr from Undertale rather than the Beast as most would probably recognize.

It's sad. At first, I really thought this was going to be a good film, which it still can be at many times. Characters are pretty much the same from the original, and it dosen't bastardize Belle like the other Live Action movie did so with Cinderella, and it actually made her a bit more dynamic here. Gaston is still the braggart, womanizing hunter, if a little toned down, and the Beast is also still the kind of broken-hearted monster that learns to love. All of it is still there. However, when stacked up to the original, I honestly can't see any real contest. It has good moments, and it has terrible ones, but overall it's more of a sad, underwhelming film that had great potential.

C-Ranking, 2.5/5 Stars.

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children (2016)

DHKR: Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children

[9/10 · 2 October 2016]

The best way to describe this movie is a strange combination with childish creativity and whimsy mixed in with a healthy dose of dark, adult, and even scary moments. Obviously, this being a Tim Burton film, that's to be expected. Although, it does has moments where it actually is quite brilliant and breaks through the mold that the previous, more uninspired recent films done by the same director. Alice Through the Looking Glass, while not really a terrible film, fits that category. It had creative ideas in it, but it barely utilized them to the fullest potential.

Miss Peregrine's HPC, however, is everything that Through the Looking Glass had going for it, expanded more in depth, and had a much better story holding it together. The children all have their weird powers and oddities, most of which have been seen from the trailer, but others show a great deal creativity. One child can project his dreams in a prophetic style and broadcast them like a movie projector. Another, not exactly seen from the trailer, had the ability to use hearts and make puppets out of otherwise nonliving beings. The twins, heavily advertised in the trailer but kept as secret as possible, quite possibly have the scariest looking powers you will see.

Another shining greatness in the movie are the villains, a group of Hollowghasts and evil Peculiars lead by Mr. Barron(played by none other than the great Sam Jackson). Originally, they were a group of scientists that wanted to gain immortality by extracting the energy from certain Peculiars, but instead they ended up as the disturbing, invisible Hollows(Which look kind of like Slenderman, but have long tentacles in their mouths). Some Hollows actually regained humanity by devouring the eyes of the Peculiar children.

If there's a single fault in the movie, it would have to be the main character. Asa Butterfield is just annoying in this one. His character has no real problem, honestly, I just disliked his voice in this one. It was that strange mix between adolescence and maturity that was grating to hear, and clashed with the many British accents that makes it seem like he doesn't belong. However, seeing that he's supposedly from a different time and country in the story, so I guess I can't really complain. besides, its one tiny fault in an otherwise great movie.

Go out and watch it if you're a fan of Tim Burton or just like dark children's movies in general.

Don't Breathe (2016)

DHKR: Don't Breathe

[7/10 · 22 September 2016]

Don't Breathe is actually a really unique kind of horror movie that delivers what it advertises, and then some. Even if some of the extra stuff is kinda...out there for most viewers.

No Spoilers here, just recovered from a bad head cold, and I'm just getting back to writing reviews on here. All you need to know is the movie works well as a scary movie, much like last year's The Witch. And for those who have not seen that particular film, The Witch was a scary movie that was more aligned on the darker themes rather than the terrifying being itself. It felt less like a modern scary movie, and more like a very dark drama that just so happened to be about a witch.

Don't Breathe is pretty much like that; a very dark movie with themes of revenge, that just so happens to have a presence that's scary. In this movie's case, a psychopathic, blind Gulf War veteran simply known as "The Blind Man".

The plot is pretty simple for most horror fare. Three teenagers who expertly rob the houses in their dying neighborhood learn of the Blind Man's fortune, about 30,000 USDs, and presume to break in at night, believing it to be easy. However, they soon find out that this supposedly "easy" target is anything but, and one of the kids gets shot and killed off by the Blind Man. Soon, the movie turns into a game of cat and mice, as the remaining two thieves have to find the money and get out, before getting killed themselves by the psychotic war vet.

The movie goes out of its way to be as dark and original as it can with it's premise, and it well succeeds in that regard. The victim characters are set up as punish rogues with good hearts(at least two of the three are), which at least make them more sympathetic than the usual kind of idiots. The Blind Man is also set up as a sympathetic villain from the start, but that gets turned up on it's head after an actually well kept twist that I dare not spoil to those interested. The claustrophobic feel of each scene, combined with the super-senses that the villain has makes for some extremely tense moments that will leave you in a cold sweat.

I wish I could continue on, but I can't without spoiling some good twists. Go and watch the movie, and experience the horror yourselves.

Cinderella (I) (2015)

DHKR: Cinderella Re-Review

[1/10 · 21 September 2016]

Before I begin, I must give the movie's biggest message, that of "Having Courage and Being Kind", a word of apology. Having a courage and being kind, even in the face of the great hardship, is a good message, especially to those who have fallen on harsh times. Being someone who went through a parental divorce and having a hardening heart have jaded things for me personally, making it hard to have such courage or even being kind. Also, I feel as if I need to redo this review because my original one did not really delve deep into the film itself but rather became a personal soap box of my un-backed opinion.

However, even with all that said, Cinderella (2015) is still a very bad movie, and I think my burning hatred at the message was misguided. I don't hate the message at all. I just explained how it was actually a good one.

I hate the message because the movie does not even follow it to heart.

Yes, Cinderella is guilty of being exactly what many people perceive her to be; Feeble, Weak, and Passive. Sure, she says the message like it's gospel, but she strangely doesn't practice what she preached throughout the movie. Everything she does that should be like how any person with half a brain could understand seem to be dumbed down to an almost infantile way. Cinderella, who should be at least frustrated with each break down her, instead acts like a woman in an abusive relationship. She just smiles and just lets it all happen like it's supposed to happen.

The movie seems to confuse "Having Courage" and "Being Kind" with simply "Being Passive and Have Good Luck".

Being kind is not the same as being passive, in fact it's the complete opposite. Just as having courage is clearly not the same as having luck. Kindness is sometimes hurtful to one, but it's for the better in the end. Instead, Cinderella here has no such feeling, no rationale. Instead of being courageous, she clearly hides all her emotion and never actually rises up by her own merit, but rather only through the magic of luck. As well as sickeningly sweet and clearly "chick-flick" clichés that makes The Proposal look like a romantic classic

Obviously, it's not of the same quality as the 1950's Animated Classic, which was actually a pretty good film dealing with such themes better, if only bogged down with that classic Disney schlock(and those annoying bloody rats kinda ruin it for me, too). However, at least Cinderella there was actually more complex and someone you sympathized with. Here, the remake beats you over the head, not just with the message, but with how it makes you forced to sympathize with a flat, clichéd character played by a remarkably uninspired performance by Lily James.

By contrast, in what the movie actually got right here, the evil Stepmother is actually where most of my sympathy went. While that does break some of the dark characteristics from the 50's version, I think it makes for more character development, if only very briefly in the beginning and in the very end. However, the movie ruins that too, by having her pretty much axed off in the end along with the duke because....well, because it needed that sickeningly sweet ending for a happily ever after.

I still hate this movie, even if I believe that the message was a lot better than I thought. However, with how they portray Cinderella, along with a very super-saturated design choice that tries way too hard to be whimsical, the 2015 remake does not even pass the original Disney classic. Heck, I'm willing to bet that a Cinderella movie that has little to do with Cinderella would be better than this. When you make the evil Stepmother more sympathetic than the main character of your story, then you really screwed up as a movie.

Deadpool (2016)

Short Cuts: "Deadpool"

[9/10 · 19 February 2016]

Short Version: Deadpool is a fun little gift to the fans, a strong comedy on its own, and just an all around blast to those who love things reminiscent of a live action cartoon. If you want to see something like this, even if you aren't a big fan of Deadpool or his humor, you'll still be quite satisfied.

I don't really want to make this a full on "Review", since doing so would spoil chunks of the movie. However, I will say that the movie is a very abnormal enigma. It's pretty much a live action cartoon with gracious violence, and yet also plays with other genres(Usually taking huge shifts in tone, like at the Weapon X building. You'll know when you see it)

I wouldn't recommend taking your young children to see this, because the adult stuff in here is reeeeaaaaly out there. However it does shift to a long cut of scenes involving such explicit content. However, if you want to see a comic book movie with a lot more of an edge, then I couldn't find a better film that came out as of late.

The Revenant (I) (2015)

DHKR: The Revenant

[9/10 · 19 January 2016]

Leonardo DiCaprio WILL do whatever it takes to win an Oscar. He'll get mauled by a grizzly bear, get buried alive, limp and crawl his way out of being buried, gut and sleep inside a horse a la Empire Strikes Back, and even do hand to hand combat with Mad Max himself. Guys, give the man his Oscar, or else he'll probably crucify himself with hot steel bars and barbed wires, before getting stabbed in the side with a harpoon by the Antichrist in the bowels of hell (or Indiana in June) to the irritating sounds of Pentatonix!

Not to any disservice to The Revenant itself, as it is a really damn good movie, and I really want to give special mention to the makeup department. Every gash, cut, scrape, splatter of blood, and wounds seeping with puss look terrifyingly realistic. You see the freshest of cuts slowly heal up and look as if they're getting infected. Combine this with how great DiCaprio's acting is in this, and you get a scarier feel of tension then in any horror film of recent memory. You see him slowly transform into a survivalist savage who's in constant pain. You never see Leonardo DiCaprio, but rather Hugh Glass, the character he plays.

Another mention goes to the director, Alejandro González Iñárritu, for how well he shows us such breathtaking and beautiful views of the frozen points of Canada to visually tell a story. Many points that lack dialogue are well done, especially when combined with DiCaprio's physical acting ability and the musical composition. It's a real match made in heaven

The Story, however, is the weakest part of the film. "The Revenant" is loosely based off the Michael Punke novel of the same name. I never read it, but I'm sure there were many deviations from it, as this is solely a survival film that has some generic revenge plot against a racist villain jumbled in, almost like a delicious bacon and chicken sandwich with melted Hagen Daz on top. It just feels forced and out of place, and it really dumbs down Tom Hardy's character to just another Clayton from Tarzan, only now he has a son that's that annoying ginger from "We're The Millers" and "The Maze Runner"

It doesn't really matter, since the visuals, acting, and composition save the film from being a mess. It's an easy recommendation for those who love a good survival film, and to everyone else should at least give it a look. It's a really good one.

Fantastic Four (2015)

DHKR: Fantastic Four(2015)- "None Should Have to Endure Such Pain"

[1/10 · 15 August 2015]

I thought I knew bad movies. I thought I had been through such a hell before, and things could go up. I thought, in my mind, there was no possible way to top such films in a way of badness. I thought things could only go up from here, and that Hollywood was starting to care for the license of their products, putting time and effort within their movies.

That all changed after Fantastic Four.

I feel violated. I do feel like I'm violated as a person, a critic, and a fan of the Fantastic Four. NOTHING about this film is at all redeemable! NOTHING! And I swear, if one of these idiots try and defend this film and say it's a better movie then the original two FF Movies, I'M GONNA BLOODY SCREAM!

The film, for some reason, wanted to go and take the DC route and make the film all dark and gritty and mature. However, the execution that is seen here makes all of the truly 'Dark' and 'Mature' moments seem more generically and laughably childish. The Fantastic Four, whoever you look at it, can't all be 100% dark and gritty. It's what gave the comic and, to some extent, the original FF movie from 2005 it's charm.

The characters within the film are now complete bastardizations of every other incarnation, with a huge lack of chemistry. Johnny and Sue Storm from the 2005 film, while not really that engaging, was at the very least believable, and no, not for the obvious reason seen here. The film wants us to believe that these two are dynamic brother and sister, and it dose not work. Johnny couldn't be any less charming unless they just end up making him a big villain. Instead of being a reckless, but good-hearted, the 2015 Johnny is now just reckless and stubborn. Oh, and you can tell he almost turns into a bad guy, because he supports the Militry and we all know that the Militry is always evil.

Sue, by contrast to her 2005 counterpart, has devolved exponentially from a sort of love interest that had some good qualities to her into just another boring love interest that seems even MORE irritating here than before. Every scene she's in just sucks the life out of the audience, like she's just bored to be in this movie. She even takes the fun out of music, saying it's just a way to find out all the blooming patterns and....oh for hell's sake it's bloody music! Enjoy the bloody music like a bloody human being!

Ben Grimm at the very least starts off as one of the lesser bastardized characters. That is until after the Four get their powers, where he then becomes a complete CGI monstrosity with rocks all over his body. Then he becomes the Militry's brutish muscle, and once again if movie teaches you anything it's that Militry is bad and irredeemable in everything. It's almost as if both Ben Grimm, the quirky and smart Junkyard Jew, and The Thing, the big rock covered brute are two completely different characters now. Unlike the 2005 version, love it or hate it, where the character is constant, if one could call it that.

If there is one part of the film I feel really divided over, it's on Doctor Doom. Now, Victor Von Doom wasn't represented to his full extent in the 2005 version. However, at the very least he LOOKED and ACTED like Doctor Doom! Here, he's a chubby, video game playing Left Winger against the Militry and Government instead of the all powerful, definitive symbol of Fascism and the powers of evil like he was in the comics. However, it is pretty refreshing to see a Left Wing villain, so I'll give the film that. And he even has a lot of cool scenes devoted to him, showing off all that power he has, and by GOD is this great potential for a recurring villain!

That is until they kill him off five minutes later.

Yeah, I'm not kidding about that, they LITERALLY kill off Doctor Doom, no less then five minutes after he becomes Doctor Doom. Not only that, but it was done in the most clichéd way possible, with having the four simply combine their unique powers to stop the villain. They axed off one of Marvel's most powerful, most cunning, and most diabolical super villain in the most disrespectful, and most novice way possible.

I can't believe I hate a movie like this...well, THIS much. I think the only other movie I hated just as much was Alexander and The Needlessly Long Title. But now, I think that crown has been taken by this horrible excuse for a comic book movie. I hate this film. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it! Hate it! I hate that anyone can be dumb enough to find salvageable things and nicer things to say about it. And guess what, the idiots behind this film still want sequels, spin offs even! From THIS! You just axed off one of the Four's well known recurring menace and you want to milk this sickly cow!? I don't usually like cursing on film reviews to an extreme but...F-yay Fantastic Four 2015!

The Final Result for this film is an E-RANKING! AN E! A ONE-HALF STAR!

This has got to be, compared to the 2005 film and Rise of The Silver Surfer, the WORST Fantastic Four movie I've had the displeasure of seeing! Don't you even THINK about wasting your money on this, Don't you DARE give 20th Century Fox and Josh Trank your hard earned money! Cause if you do, then more CRAP like this can come out both their asses and onto our favorite superhero team!

Pitch Perfect 2 (2015)

DHKR: Pitch Perfect 2- "A Great Film to Those Who Love Music and Who Hate Pentatonix"

[8/10 · 1 June 2015]

Pitch Perfect, the first film, was hashed by critics but slowly grew a cult following. For most, it's a big "Don't Judge a Book by it's Cover" film, and many people find a soft spot in their heart to enjoy it.

So, with that in mind, I entered Pitch Perfect 2 with that mindset. It's a sequel to a cult classic, so I secretly knew it wouldn't hold up to the original. However, in a twist of fate, the sequel itself manages to have that star power and imagination that made the original what it was, and also gives itself it's own kind of uniqueness.

Story wise, Pitch Perfect 2 is pretty much the Iron Man 2 of the Pitch Perfect Series, in that it's story is a little less tangible and riddled with subplots a plenty, many of which actually are pretty funny and dramatic in their own ways, even managing to pull off a successful romance subplot. No prizes for those who guessed it was about Fat Amy.

What really gives this film and the one before it a lot of its spontaneity was by the A Capella moments where each singer has to emote and build a beat only by using their vocal chords, and since this is Generation Y it has to be modern "Pop" songs. For those terrified if the film would just be a two and a half hour Pentatonix album, you can rejoice in hearing that the songs and ways they are sung are not only good, but also memorable in execution. Especially in the fact that the music actually SOUNDS like music and not a bunch of beat boxing cry babies whining out lyrical-like moans as if each of the singers just stubbed their toes after they came out of a screening of an American Sniper/Lone Survivor Double Feature Matinée.

Comedy, Music, and Drama go hand in hand in a Trinity in the storytelling, and it was a smart move in having the music to be a heavy part of the film. However, I would have seen a slight bit of development from our protagonists other than just "Legacy", Beca, and I guess Fat Amy. However, what little character Fat Amy has always felt just right in my opinion. The rest of the cast are just as flat and stereotypical as they were in Pitch Perfect, the worst being Ester Dean's Cynthia, but perhaps that's just me being too damn Hoosier about that kind of thing.

The film trips up a bit when the Bella's all go to what I can assume is "Bella Boot Camp". It's long, unfunny, and serves only for each character to try and tie up any kind of loose ends. A full Eighth of the film takes place here, and while that doesn't sound long, in a movie like this, it eats a good chunk of screen time that could be enjoyed on the singing. The only funny part in that whole scene was with a bear trap for obvious reasons.

The two best parts in the film involve both an A Capella music battle that has the Green Bay Packers, seriously, and the final A Capella competition in Copenhagen. Both involve Das Sound Machine, the obligatory all German villains who couldn't look anymore evil unless they were wearing Stahlhelms and driving around Panzers on the stage before singing. Well, both prove to be formidable by their stage presence and vocal superiority. Most of the songs by DSM are big. They sound big, and they make it look big as well. Granted, both couldn't be more stereotypically evil, but they do have a likability to those with an ear for that kind of thing.

The film ends on a positive note, and we reprise the song "Flashlight", which actually is more beautiful than it sounds. Well, kinda. OK not really. But it's still a good ending, nonetheless. If you haven't seen it yet, go give it a look.

4-Stars- A-Ranking

Grown Ups (I) (2010)

DHKR: Grown Ups- "A Harmless Summer Bro-Film"

[6/10 · 27 May 2015]

Grown Ups isn't good. It's actually quite awful in critical terms. It's only saving grace is it's cast of actors, but even their potential is squandered at Sandler's obviously juvenile sense of humor, which mostly relies on the whole "Hey! Look at this, isn't it wacky and silly?" notion. It's story is nonexistent, much like Seinfeld, only going through simple settings and ideas for a clunky-linked sequence.

As you guessed, this is a Happy Maddison film, makers of a surprise hit (www.imdb.com/title/tt1114740/reviews-208) but mostly are infamous for their juvenile- humor movies that are meant only for the lowest common denominator. Don't ever expect anything from these guys, cause I'm aware of how little they care. They, in turn, should realize how little I care.

If I'm able to tip my hat to the production company for anything, it would be that HMP knows who it's general audience is, and knows them in spades,which isn't particularly a bad thing. Before, I stated that Sandler's modern filmography, when under this production company's name, can be enjoyed as films you watch with friends over the summer. And Grown Ups, silly as it is, is exactly the definitive film for that description.

Grown Ups has it's moments, but it's always pushed to the side so Kevin James can earn a ladder on a board game of Chutes and Ladders or if David Spade can take another groin-shot by Rob Schneider. It's dumb, it's full of plot holes and subplots that go nowhere, and it really is just an excuse for Sandler take a vacation at the Lake and still get him and his buddies paid.

But, for all my griping, I feel a weird creeping nostalgia of my own summer vacations when watching this. I felt myself actually smile, laughing even. Take a moment to think about all the dumb things you did with your friends over that time. The time you first time you went on a massive water slide at a water park and went so fast that you almost broke a toe. The time you won 4 games of Scene-It in a row and your buddy threatened to punch you in the face if he found out you cheated. The time you first did something so profoundly stupid, resulting in any injury imaginable, but you just laughed and laughed because you were under some kind of influence. It's very cartoonish, sure, but don't you remember having any close calls like that?

That's what makes Grown Ups work as a Summer Bro-Film. It makes tons of money from teenagers that laugh at Sandler's bag of tricks, but it also makes one connect to one's personal past from the summers you spent AS a teenager, acting like a bunch of jackasses after watching TV. It's still bad, as a film, but for those who can look pass that, I think you can enjoy it.

3 and a half Stars- C-Ranking

Tomorrowland (2015)

DHKR: Tomorrowland- "A Hollow, Idealist Film with Zero Ideas"

[5/10 · 27 May 2015]

Tomorrowland was ALMOST great. It has a director with a great track record, it has a great cast of actors like George Clooney and Hugh Laurie, and the CGI presentation is the definitive proof that it can work well enough to craft creatively made sets and worlds. It's message is nearly perfect for today's youth, preaching on using your brain to promote creativity as well as practicality, without having to bastardize anything to a pompous extreme.

So why does this film feel...less than what it should be like? Like it feels restrained or held back?

Perhaps because underneath the pretty candy coating of A-Listers, CGI, and a great filming director, the core of the film feels rather lacking in terms of story, both in inherent build and in execution. Tomorrowland feels burdened by it's supposed moral and idealism, that it ends up conflicting with the bigger message, if there even is one that is.

The film starts off with an argument between our lead and George Clooney, playing the role of Frank Walker. It's a futile attempt at comedy, and it doesn't go anywhere. Think of this as a giveaway that you just threw away a couple extra dollars than you should've. Even the most of the introduction, while visually breathtaking, is nothing more than just padding before the story begins to go in motion.

When we do finally meet Walker, a mere 35 minutes into the film, then finally does a story come to life. We see that the world is destroying itself due to modern indulgences. People who chase the rabbit simply complain on how Earth is going straight to hell, but no one is at all trying to come up with a solution. Cynics like Walker accept the evils of the world, and seclude themselves away into their homes, keeping their creativity to themselves. Other cynics wish to use their creativity to help themselves when the actual apocalypse comes, like Governor David Nix(played by the massively talented Hugh Laurie), who continues to rule Tomorrowland as a de facto tyrant and keeps a steady supply of android henchmen coming from inside and out of the future.

The film presents the world to be horribly cynical, outnumbering them so much that it seems that only our lead Cassie and the rogue AI "Athena" seem to be the only optimist and idealist, which in the world I live in ain't the bloody case. What was once a message that could be generally given to all is now narrowed into a certain group mostly composed of teen liberals who rebel against the "man" and government.

Weirdly, Nix's own plans on preventing the apocalypse with a special observatory that knows exactly when any disaster event will occur is actually quite understandable. Why risk trying to fix something that's set in stone? He can see when everything horrible is about to happen, and it can urge everyone to prepare to endure and embrace the apocalypse. And he's evil because...he's cynical?

Also, for a movie claiming "creativity", the film's storyline was actually very much generic and predictable. I actually could tell exactly what would happen, when it would, and how it would. Does the heroine magically change the mind of the cynical Walker? Check. Do they but heads with Nix while he tries to show her the apocalypse? Check. Forced romantic subplot? It does, and kinda awkwardly when it's between Walker and Athena, not only slightly pedophilloic, but cyberphilloic as well. Constantly, the story feels like it's going to put a new spin on the story, but then goes back to the normal generic story part, like Brad Bird is afraid to make that leap into creativity.

Long story short, Athena dies to destroy the supposed Doomsday Machine, Nix is crushed by it after uttering the funniest line in the film, and soon everything is all better in the end. More pins are made, and are all exclusively given to Liberal Youths. Yup. Only the most creative can't be of any other side of the spectrum, it's all exclusively to the super happy lefty-wingies. That idea that anyone can be creative? Have original ideas to help everyone? Does that still apply?

NOPE! If your a blooming cynic, you'll just hold us back! You're no better than Governor Nix, and we all know that creative politicians trying to protect the creative people are nothing but despicable tyrants! Yeah, that's the moral of the story!

Tomorrowland might be a hollow film, but it at least looks very breathtaking, and almost every A-Lister actors is phenomenal. Brad Bird is still a great director, still worthy of being "The Director of The Incredibles", as this film shouldn't go on his track record and ruin his validity as a director. However, the film is anchored down by a generic story, lead actors that sound loud and annoyingly preachy with a moral that feels nonexistent, and confusing the viewer by preaching that all should come together but then only painting one side as good and the other as bad. If you want a breathtaking, gorgeous film, then go ahead. Just try not to think about the story too much.

3-Stars, C-Ranking

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

DHKR: Mad Max: Fury Road- "Oh What a Day! What a Lovely, Lovely Day!"

[10/10 · 18 May 2015]

The Post-Apocalyptic genre is a very bleak, but somewhat uplifting critique on our future. The idea that the world would be wiped out through a thermonuclear bombing, an act of desperation causing the destruction of a country, or even the Rapture of Biblical Lore has been hammered into our minds for years, becoming as popular as a view of our future as much as the shiny utopian model from The Jetsons is.

Personally, I'm a big fan of this genre. A world where scavenging and common necessities become vital for your survival has a great deal of potential for survival based horror, adventure, revenge stories, even stories that just expand in the setting alone. Just remember, when you think Darkhorse Knight(DHK), you think Post-Apocalyptic stories.

That being stated and brought out of the way, I'm about to review one of the best films to embody this genre, and the best summer film of 2015 as of now. Mad Max: Fury Road, and Oh, What a Lovely Day it is to be a cinemaphille!

The film starts off with Max, our cynical protagonist played by Tom Hardy(Dark Knight Rises' Bane) standing on a crag along with his car while a narration gives us a brief statement about both the Oil Wars and the Water Wars. After a brief car chase with a tribe of Raiders, Max is captured and shackled, being assigned as a "blood bag" for Nux(Nicholas Hoult).

Soon, we get a good look of Immortan Joe, the anarcho-fascist ruler of the many tribes. A crippled man wearing life-support and covered in armor adorned with the many biker medals one assumes after a life of conflict, Joe is immortalized as a god among mortals. He controls the water and the food, and therefore he controls the Wastes. Despite many wounds and blisters covered, Joe proves that he's the chief and king for a reason, by leading charges with his Lieutenant, Rictus Erectus on a monstrous war machine made up of vintage muscle cars from the 50s.

During a supposed run to Gas City, Imperator Furiosa, another Lieutenant, sneaks Joe's prized "breeding women" away to a sanctuary that may or may not exist in the desert. After being double crossed, Joe sends a war party lead by himself to chase down the rogue Imperator. Nux, hearing this, finds this a great way to prove himself worthy of Valhalla, so he may die a heroes death and be born again. Since he needs blood to make his journey, Max is forced to join him.

However, the mission is compromised by a sandstorm. The heavily pregnant breeding women is killed after Joe runs her over with said war machine, to which he grieves so much that his iron jaw opens. Later, a Raider medic finds out the child that died in the womb was "perfect", as in free of any known defect. Fueling the flames of his vendetta.

The rest of the film is within the confines of a war rig, a tanker. Resources like Gas to fuel the truck and water to help cool off the engine are becoming needed by the mile in order to reach the sanctuary. At the same time, they both need to stay fast and conserve reserves, and it's impossible to do both without fail.

The film soon also doesn't have any subplots. The entire running time is about getting to sanctuary. The only thing close to a subplot we have is Nux trying to deal with a crisis of faith, while at the same time prove that he's worthy of Valhalla, if it doesn't exist. Even the closest thing to romance in the film is with Nux, but it's only implied and never shown again due to his demise at the very end, sacrificing himself to further the mission

Fury Road is a success as a summer blockbuster can get,and it runs to the end and goes beyond, reaching for the stars in a giant bloody war machine. It is also a continuous piece of the trend regarding Post-Apocalyptic story telling. Don't miss out on a great film!

Also, there's a Raider with a Fire-Spewing Guitar. How much better can you get!?

5-Stars- S-Ranking

Galavant (2015–2016)

DHKR: Galavant- "A Dark Comedy with Depth...and Singing"

[8/10 · 8 May 2015]

I had about zero expectations for a show that at least looked aesthetically pleasing at best and heavily clichéd at worst. From what I was seeing, I thought what I was going to have an awful time, and pitch this show along the lines of other bad films

However, after 10 episodes in, I found out what this really was. Galavant is a very dark comedy under the musical guise of, well, a musical. Throughout the beginning, we see the usual fairy tale story that we know from an early childhood, that being of a dashing, handsome knight rescuing his beloved from the generic evil king, all through song mind you. It makes one feel that they are reliving the old stories read to you at an infantile age. Galavant stops the wedding taking place and confesses his love for her.

And she rejects him for the King. And then Galavant slowly sinks into a great deal of depression and alcoholism, losing his physique, his kindness, and everything that the code of chivalry and Courtly Love were meant to stand for. It's a drastic shift in tone from it's romantic,musically inclined introduction. And I then realized the darker undertones throughout the series, tucked into the walls and painted as a cheery, happy story meant for the whole family.

There are the obvious jokes, poking fun at modern fantasy. There's a plethora of dark skinned characters in a place that feels like Medieval England despite that not really being the case(in fact, the Princess of Valencia, who is Indian in the show, pokes fun at this in an episode, herself.), The King, Richard, trying to learn comedy despite only knowing how a tyrant thinks, and, I kid you not, an entire city that looks as if it were built by Walt Disney himself that worships the squire as a heroic knight of Judaism. Yes, It goes that far.

However, after re-watching more of the episodes, I started to see the darker truth

King Richard, whom I said before was learning comedy, was only learning such a trait just so he can finally get his Queen, Madalena, to accept him as her husband. Under a playful guise that the time spent with the Jester was actually due to jokes is revealed earlier to be more about the queen's promiscuity rather than her love for the Jester's jokes. Nudge nudge wink wink. Another scene deals with two castle-dwelling peasants plotting to murder all the royalty and rule the world as equals, giving us spiteful communist undertones. Frehiet I guess, comrade, peasants of the world unite. All in song, too, WHILE they plot out the murders.

The characters all start off as their clichéd archetypes, before slowly gaining depth and actual character. Galavant breaks from his delusional quest to "rescue" Madalena, who has now turned into an evil queen, and slowly realizes the futility of his quest. Unfortunately, it's far too late for him to go back now, forcing him to spend, until the next season at lest, the remainder of his time upon a ship, getting farther and farther away from the one land he had just now realized he found the wrong damsel.

In a similar change of fate, King Richard, the one character who in of himself was a walking cliché of a man-child tyrant, slowly inverts into a surprisingly well fleshed-out character. He starts off as being this laughably incompetent, almost puppy-dog like despot and slowly is revealed to be a sad, broken, inferior royal, who's almost autistic when it comes to both communicating with the people he tries to keep happy under his oppression and with his (rather forced) wife, in which it's revealed he's very much a virgin, obviously showing more of a childish persona. Not childish as in youth, beauty, and innocent, but childish as in ignorance and inferiority. Hell, the songs he sings most of the time reflect it; i.e. Giving off cartoony ways of murdering the hero and spouting genocide and sexual innuendo, him and the hero childishly singing about going on a "secret mission" so loud that people in Scotland could probably hear them, and quite literally giving the most heartbreaking rendition of a tune that was sung to him as a child(which is arguably the most depressing song in the show, as well as my personal favorite)

Course, all of this comes far later in the show, but I still see a lot of potential of a real story that can come out of this. And yes, there are moments of corniness and juvenile humor that makes one feel embarrassed to laugh at. However, most of those are very much satirical , and it focuses a little more on both the narrative and the music, the latter being hit or miss. I already brought up "Goodnight, My Friend", the heartbreaking song, as my all time favorite. The rest are just...alright. I admitably didn't exactly like "Comedy Gold", "Lords of The Sea" and "Hey, We're the Monks!" as much as I would've wanted to, and Madalena's songs was just irritating on the ears.

Other than that, Galavant is a surprise hit. It's got the marks of a satire and a musical, but deep inside it's wraps is an engaging, dark comedy with lots of depth....and some singing by many people devoted to what's given to them. While many of the songs are sparatic, some underwhelming, and some actually not that good compared to others. Both Joshua Sasse(Galavant) and Timothy Omundson(King Richard) prove to have the pipes for whatever it is they're singing about, whether it be silly or serious. I would be honestly be crushed if such potential was wasted due to both bad timing and a wonky episode format(two full 30 minutes episodes every Sunday evening isn't exactly how you rack viewers, ABC.). Give the show a watch, and you'll be surprised.

Final Result: 4 Stars- A-Ranking

Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)

DHKR: Paul Blart: Mall Cop(2009)- "My Guilty Pleasure is Die Hard Junior"

[7/10 · 27 April 2015]

Every man has their guiltiest pleasure, and their is no shame in that. People like those indulge in films that, while admitably not great or even good movies, are fun to watch and unwind to. Films that seem more inclined to be viewed with a bunch of friends over a few cans of whatever soft drink you prefer and a big bowl of chips or popcorn, versus being viewed at high-class events with high-class officials at an Art-house Theatre.

While I do see a lot of flaws in plenty of summer blockbusters, I believe no film company better describes this phenomenon like Happy Maddison. This is Adam Sandler's personal film production company that cranks out high-grossing, yet critically reviled comedies meant almost exclusively for the "Bro" Culture. Just for the record, almost EVERY Happy Maddison film is reviled, and some of the people do know this for a fact. However, equally as many people can't help but have a soft spot for Sandler and his awful films.

And I'm man enough to say I'm one of them. Because my personal favorite Happy Maddison film is perhaps my biggest guilty pleasure. But for a good reason I'm going to get into.

Paul Blart is, in essence, Kevin James playing the role of a kid-friendly version of John McClane. The film could just be called "Die Hard Junior" and you could never tell the difference. And that's not necessarily a bad thing to have in a movie meant for the former reason stated above. Sometimes a film about a horse is just about a horse and a film about a good-hearted security guard is just about a good-hearted security guard. In the grand scheme of things, it's actually one of the better Happy Maddison films because of it.

But enough about my rambling, what's the story? Well, it's about Paul Blart. He's a Security Guard, or a "Mall Cop" if we're going by the politically incorrect title. He's an overweight police academy expelee with hyperglycemia, and he's well integrated into his job, as little action as he gets. He rides on a Segway and keeps West Orange Mall safe from the usual petty thieves and jaywalkers(or some little stuff like that).

One night, a small gang of TPTs(Teen-Punk Terrorists for your new acronymic lexicon) begin to bust into the mall after closing while our titular character is jamming out on what I can assume is an arcade version of Guitar Hero. The Punks are revealed to be led by Veck Simms, a security guard trainee that plans on robbing every store in mall in order to splurge that cash into...something. I'll be honest, I'm not entirely sure what Veck's plot was all about, even after 2 viewings of the film. All I know is it had something to do with the Cayman Islands.

After taking out each TPT(which are named after Santa's reindeer because guilty pleasure why blooming not.), Paul finds the captives and tries to rescue them. Quite unsuccessfully, too. Before escaping to his private jet aeroplane, Blart finally helps arrest Veck along with Commander James Kent.

And this is a spoiler to anyone who wants to see this....still here? OK.

It turns out the reason SWAT was trying as eager as it was to take out Veck's crew was because Commander Kent wanted to "stop" the TPTs so that he himself could download all that money to the same aeroplane so he could do...something. I don't know why. It's just free money, I guess both guys just wanted to burn the mall a la Mafia style before having a party at the Cayman Islands, Christ if I know.

Kent is soon arrested by the police chief, as is Veck and his crew. Paul Blart takes the John McCane route and just stays a lowly security guard, he gets the girl in the end. Yadda Yadda hootinnanny.

For a Happy Madison film, Blart could've been better, but honestly, it could've been far worse. Far. Far. Far Worse. It's a summer Bro Film, and it's above average. All I can say, you can do better, but you can do worse.

Final Result: 2 and a Half Stars- C Ranking

Run All Night (2015)

DHKR: Run All Night- "And Keep your Dirty Feelings, Deep Inside"

[8/10 · 26 March 2015]

Obligatory Spoiler Warning: do not read on if you want to enjoy one of the best movies of 2015 --

Run All Night is exactly what you think it is just from the trailer alone. It's about a fugitive, stern man(Liam Neeson) and his hot blooded, vaguely New Age son(Joel Kinnaman) on the run from a corrupt, sociopathic mob boss Shawn Maguire(Ed Harris), who has both a powerful criminal syndicate and basically has the police in his pocket. I was personally making a checklist on the pad of paper I brought in the theater with of all the clichés I saw in the first half, reminded of that disgustingly bitter aftertaste of the last, very underwhelming Neeson film Tak3n. And when I saw the obligatory Russian criminal(the movie refers to him as Albanian, but anyone who's seen a modern action movie knows that the accent and tattoos screams "Motha Russia", so I'm referring to him as such) having a chit-chat with Shawn, that bitterly spiced taste returned. Shawn's son, Danny(Boyd Holbrook) tried to make a friendly trade agreement with the Russian syndicate and the Irish Mob, to which Shawn obviously shuns off, mostly to keep up with modern business practices and ease out of the criminal scene. Danny leads Samir to a deal, which soon leads the son of the protagonist, Mike, as a chauffeur that leads our stock Eastern European character to soon lead us to the rising action.

Then the Russian got shot. Axed off quickly, very quickly, no cinematic over-the-topness. Just "BOOM-dead." Kind of death ripped from Tim O'Brian. I was shocked at this scene, since this was a very prominent trope in most modern action movies like the abomination that was Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit and the aforementioned Tak3n.

Soon, the film evolves with it's clichéd narrative, turning into a very dark, brutal, and almost depressing insight about revenge and morality. Danny breaks into Mike's apartment to kill him, only to be shot in the neck by Jimmy, the protagonist. What was his other choice? If "The Grave Robber" didn't shoot, Danny would've killed Mike, ruining the life of his family. But, through this decision, he starts a downhill descent, now being hunt down by an axis of evil, headed by the Police, The Irish Mob, and a trained assassin-for- hire(Common) hellbent on killing Jimmy, in his words, "For Free".

There are many moments of shock in this. Few are based in cheap jumpscares, like one scene where a Pitbull emerges from a pile of junk and startles Mike. However, more of it is based on suspense. A scene where a few Mob Hit men came in to hunt for Mike's family, which is done almost entirely silently, only letting the heavy footsteps of boots and the quick clicking of a loaded, cocked pistol. It makes you feel uneasy throughout the scene.

The overall tone of the film is, surprisingly, very depressing and somber as Neeson movies go. The first person Jimmy kills, Danny, leaves him questioning what he did. Then you see Shawn Maguire breaking the bad news with his wife, before we see a faded out fight, as the camera zooms out and shows us a ridiculous amount of pictures of the happy Maguire family, along with a young, innocent and happy Danny. In this kind of film, your almost praying that Jimmy doesn't kill anyone else throughout the entire film, but you know he has to of else the bad guys win.

The film is very much like an obscure video game, Spec Ops: The Line, which also had a very depressing and somber overtone. In that game, you had to fight off against rogue US Soldiers, many of which were your ex-brothers in arms whom turned out to be just as vicious if not more so than the IS Threat. I draw the comparison to the game mainly because of one scene in the film, where Jimmy enters the bar owned by the Mob and kills everyone inside in an effort to hunt for Shawn. Many of these men were trained Hit men, many in which Jimmy fought with during his work there, giving us a weird scene of "Dust to Dust" and a gut wrenching feeling of sorrow.

Run All Night makes you think on how it will end by its cliché skeleton. Danny's wife is pregnant with a son, and one would expect that near the end, Grampa Jimmy would meet with a little grandson named Jimmy as well. However, in the woods, Neeson gets shot by Price, and is slowly dying. He stopped him by a single shotgun shell, before finally dying, unable to give the police a list of all the people he had killed while in the mob. Jimmy paid for his violent ways, his sins now cleansed by his blood. In killing "Price" he paid the ultimate price. The final moments of the film have Mike returning to his Chauffeur job, leaving the room and the camera zooms in on a picture from his childhood with Jimmy before fading to black

Run All Night is a rare example of an action drama that both beats the heart fast and slow. It keeps your sense of adrenaline up as well as makes you feel broken inside at the same time. As it stands, this is one of the best films of 2015. It's a good one, fellas.

Final Results: 4 Stars(B-Ranking)