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blackkangel
Reviews
The Secret Village (2013)
Can I please have my 90 mins back??
OK, where to begin?
I will begin by saying that the overall premise of this movie, The Secret Village, may have had some promise but all in all really failed to deliver any positive impact. Rather, it only succeeded in leaving me with a frustratingly disappointed taste in my mouth. In short, I have found myself longing for a refund - not financially, but for the 90 odd minutes I spent in a catatonic coma as a result of watching this 'movie'. Put it this way, this movie made me really want to submit my first ever review, in a bid to save others.
I'm no stranger to horror/suspense flicks, and I'm often not even bothered by the BAD ones. But this bad movie really bothered me. It was hard to tell if the acting was bad, or if it was a reflection of the poor editing. It seemed like there were long and unnecessary pauses between every exchange in dialogue, which automatically created a sense of awkward uneasiness. The breaks in conversation and the scene changes were so long and drawn out - which essentially describes the entire movie. Ali Faulkner was OK, I wouldn't say bad. I have never seen her before, but she kind of reminded me of a young Brooke Shields. Jonathan Bennett was OK too. They weren't the worst actors in the movie, but far from stand-outs.
As I mentioned earlier, the premise of the movie was interesting, but poorly executed. This could have been a good movie - if it was directed differently. I don't know about this whole 'non-linear' nonsense. It wasn't artistic, nor was it successful in adding anything other than confusion and convolution. There were chops and changes that were absolutely unnecessary, and the film even started with a scene that literally had NOTHING to do with the movie. That in itself should serve as a red flag for anyone reading this who is considering watching it. The audio editing was atrocious, with some parts out of sync and the soundtrack and sound effects were too loud and comical at best. I have to say, I literally laughed at some of the sudden 'horror' sequences. The make-up and costuming made me feel like I was watching a period comedy. Honestly, I found myself wondering if the costume department only had enough of a budget to hire from a fancy dress company.
The movie had a handful of essential characters, and about 5 times as many absolutely unnecessary and often laughable ones. Spoiler alert: the people in cloaks walking and creeping around in ABSOLUTE SLOW MOTION have nothing to do with anything. Why are they hiding behind trees, and walking around so slowly? Are they crippled? Oh and there's the green faced absolutely hilarious witch with a hilarious Einstein wig who appears twice. Who is that? Why are the two sinister guys chasing the main character so inept at catching her? Why are they so weak every time they almost catch her? Why does a significantly smaller woman keep slipping out of their macho grasp. FYI none of these questions are answered. I'm not even going to venture into discussing the ending, which I spotted a mile away, as early as the main character started discussing the epidemic in the village. Talk about wrapping up a movie in a nice little bow!
Now, I know that there are some positive reviews here on IMDb, but judging from the fact that the handful of these positive reviews make the same statements - 'non-linear', 'good to watch in October', 'great acting (yeaaaaaah...ok)' - it really makes one wonder WHO is writing these positive reviews and whose interests they are representing or defending.
The tag-line for this movie mentions 'mass hysteria'. Don't be fooled. There is zero hysteria to be found. This movie honestly made me wonder who on God's green Earth finances these box office duds. Someone should pay these guys to stop making movies. I want 90 minutes of my life back.