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Laff Mobb's Laff Tracks (2018)
Garbage
Unfunny nobodies do stand-up "comedy", and we get to see the "jokes" acted out.
You might remember (but probably not) a TV show on Comedy Central in the early 00's called "Shorties Watchin' Shorties". It was the same thing, only animated, with some cartoon babies talking to each other between comedians. It didn't last, and for good reason. If a comic's act is any good, it's already funny, and we don't need to see it acted out. It could be watchable, but completely unnecessary. If the act isn't funny, it's not going to become funny by seeing it acted out.
The problem with any show that just has select bits from different comedians, is it's usually a mixed bag. You have to watch several comedians you don't like, and then when a good one comes along, you want to see the rest of their act, not change to a new one. But Laff Mobb's Laff Tracks has a bigger problem. None of the comedians are funny. At all. At least Shorties Watchin' Shorties had some decent comedians. The people on this show don't even tell actual jokes, they're just pointless stories that have no punchlines. It can actually get pretty embarrassing to watch.
Don't trust the sudden influx of positive reviews that all happened to pop up within a couple days of each other, all from users who have never written another review. I haven't written many myself, but I felt the need to offset any false impressions people may get from these obviously fake reviews.
Death Dancers (1993)
Worst movie I have ever seen.
First of all, I never originally intended on getting this movie. I was ordering Tales from the Crapper on the Troma website and they had an offer where you could choose between 5 DVDs to receive free with your order of TFTC. I actually requested that they send me Dr. Hackenstein, but I guess it was out of stock or something because they sent me this instead. I didn't really care because it was free and I didn't really even want to see Dr. Hackenstein anyway, it just looked like the least worst of my possible selections.
Now I know some of you are probably skeptical about my "worst movie ever" claim. You probably think I just don't see that many B-movies. But believe me, I have seen some crap in my day. And no matter how much I hate a movie, I always try to tough it out to the end. And I have always been successful. That is, of course, until I saw Death Dancers. And this is coming from a guy who made it all the way through Croaked: Frog Monster from Hell.
This first time I tried to watch Death Dancers, I didn't even make it two minutes in. I didn't want to, but I just had to turn it off. The next day I realized how foolish it was of me to give up on it after only two minutes. Sure, it was the worst two minutes of a movie I've ever watched, but it could get better. Maybe. So I decided to give it another go, this time making it eight whole torturous minutes in. Wow. I could not believe how horrible of a movie this was. I have always prided myself on the ability to sit through some of the worst movies on the planet, but it looked like this movie had me beat. But about a month later I decided that I would watch it and that no matter how horrible it was I would not turn it off. I was determined. This time I made it about 20 some odd minutes in and I gave up. I threw it in my closet and just decided to accept defeat.
About a year later I was still not too happy with the fact that I owned a movie that I was unable to watch all the way through. But one day I came up with a plan. I would watch the whole thing over a period of a few days. The movie had six chapters so I decided that would be fine. I would watch one chapter a day for six days. And well, the whole movie was just as bad as the first 20 minutes led me to believe. It was sort of like a soft core porno disguised as a horror film, but it felt more like a soap opera with worse acting. And the plot, well I don't really remember the plot. Something about an evil porn director or some other such nonsense. I was sort of trying not to pay attention. But anyway, I guess what I'm really trying to say with this review is DO NOT WATCH DEATH DANCERS!
Surf Nazis Must Die (1987)
How did they manage to make this movie suck?
When I first heard about this movie, I thought it would be the greatest movie ever made. First of all, it's called Surf Nazis Must Die. Second of all, it's about an old fat black lady seeking revenge against a gang called the surf Nazis who killed her son. Third of all, it was released by Troma. It seems nearly impossible for somebody to screw this movie up, but they did. It was just one big boring scene after another and Momma Washington didn't do too much fighting with the surf Nazis. Somebody with talent needs to remake this would be tromasterpiece. This would be the end of my review but I need at least 10 lines. I don't understand why they think you can only describe a movie in 10 or more lines. And I have seen reviews that have been far less the 10 lines. How did they do that?