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Reviews
The Zombie Diaries (2006)
Truly awful film.
Once again, much like reviews for 'The Signal', I am completely baffled by the rave reviews this film has received. Please don't make the same mistake I did and be drawn in by the eye-catching (and very misleading) cover art. None of it takes place at any point in the film.
80 minute film with 'Zombies' in title features what must be all of 10 minutes screen time of zombies altogether. The rest is just mindless driving / running / and pointless, awkward dialogue.
I'm a huge zombie movie fan - but I never thought I would despise a film so much as to go out of my way to urge people NOT to watch it. 'The Zombie Diaries' proved me wrong. It is dreadful.
The film focuses on a few different groups of idiots who are scattered around the British countryside just as some kind of 'unexplained virus' hits all major cities. All groups appear to have absolutely no common sense.
This first becomes apparent when the first group of 'survivors' encounter a zombie in a farmhouse they were supposed to be staying in. Rather than fight off one zombie in a relatively secure house, they run blindly into a dark forest where they encounter even more undead.
Then, in complete darkness, in the middle of a forest where they've encountered zombies, they decide to stop and make a fire. This kind of clown-shoe logic ripples through the rest of the film.
We cut to a completely different group of survivors looking for supplies in an abandoned town. This and many more overlong scenes involving this group has absolutely no relevance to the rest of the film.
The Zombie Diaries is basically made up of scenes that defy common sense in order to try and drum up tension. Cue countless shots of people walking round darkened corridors, barns, stairways, woods etc with only the camera light guiding the way. The first time this is done it is quite suspenseful by the 5th time it happens, all suspense is lost and you are simply left watching a tactless idiot take 10 minutes to walk down a hallway and open a door.
Cut to yet another completely different group of survivors.
They've secured a farmhouse and guns, yet there are countless scenes where, in pitch darkness, everyone simply stands on the field outside the house blindly firing at zombies ambling towards them. Once they drag this out for another fifteen minutes or so, a noise is heard from inside a darkened barn (surprise, surprise), cue yet another dragged-out 'let's investigate with just the camera light to guide us' scene.
The final chapter tries to make a statement about us being the real monsters, not the zombies by then I'd grown so bored that I applauded the deaths of the remaining survivors and cursed the gods that this moment had not arrived sooner.
The Signal (2007)
Potentially brilliant, disappointingly average.
I'm confused by the amount of positive reviews this film has got. Did we all watch the same film?
I was excited to see 'The Signal' as it contained one of the most face-punchingly brilliant plots I'd ever read about: Busy city, New Years Eve, 'Signal' transmitted through electrical devices sends anyone who hears/sees it batsh*t insane.
Can you imagine streets full of maniacs belting the nuts off each other? Fire everywhere? Ransacked buildings and overturned cars? Chaos reigns! If you think that sounds like a decent film, you'd be right. It's called 'Dawn of the Dead.'.
Unfortunately, due to either budget constraints or the god-awful decision to have the film in three 'transmissions' by three different writers (who appear to have completely conflicting ideas on what direction the film was taking) 'The Signal' soon becomes an absolute mess.
An unhappily married woman (Mya) is convinced to leave her husband and run away with her simple-faced lover, Ben. They plan to meet at the train station at midnight.
The 'Signal' is transmitted all over the city just as Mya sets off home to collect her things. When she gets home to her husband, Lewis, he shows signs he has been affected by the signal, most noticeably by beating his friend to death. Mya escapes and the story then turns to Ben, who, realising that everyone appears to have gone a bit cuckoo, goes after her.
It is here that everything starts to go wrong with this film. Each writer appears to have a different idea of what 'The Crazy' is, leading to a confusing, unfunny second act which becomes boring after a few minutes. The third act is even worse as it rushes to tie up the obvious loose ends.
Some films are mindless, some films try to make a statement this film attempts both and fails miserably. Its only saving grace is the overused Joy Division track which is played in each 'transmission'. There are no likable characters, and a majority of the dialogue seems clunky and misguided. 'Change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.' Yes, and until you master your fear, fear will be your master, He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions, etc.
The thing that annoys me most about this film is the potential that it had. Like Communism, it looked fantastic on paper. By removing the other 2 contributing writers/directors from this film, it would have made it 3 times better.
Worth renting, definitely not worth buying.